Chapter 3: Acceptance
From all the people in the world, I met you.
I hold your hand in bliss as I confess my thoughts to you. Years of friendship turned into admiration. The admiration I felt turned out to be love all along. Staying by my side through the toughest time. There at my lowest and highest, you accepted me. No matter how much I try to push back. You never left me.
"I love you." I say as I watch you bashfully smile back. I smiled to myself as I silently watched you. I never imagined it myself, if I were to ask myself ten years from the past and ask if they think I'll be dating someone now. They'll probably say no.
Ten years ago before I met you, I was different. I hated myself as a child. I blamed the world for everything. I wanted happiness and didn't have it. I loathed myself more than anyone else in the world. I couldn't imagine myself growing old nor even passing highschool. Everyday was like a ticking bomb, as I silently wait when the bomb will explode and all my rationality disappears.
I wait for the bomb to explode everyday. No need to make friends, I'll be forgotten anyways. No need to remember the names, I would be gone anyways. Gone like dust that drifts in the air, barely seen and barely noticed. You know it's there, but don't pay it any attention as you go on your day.
Before I met you, I created a space in my mind that kept me going. Where I could be a different me and lived a different life. Things I never had and couldn't have were there. Friends, family, happiness and even money. This safe space I made for myself kept me going. The friends I made, the fake memories and even the fake arguments.
I lived a life I always dreamed of. I lived a life that nobody else could see.
I finally had a reason to live…
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But now I'm stuck.
I'm stuck in the world of reality and fiction I made. On which I prefer fiction and lived more there. Where I had people worrying about me. People who saw me as something I could never be. A role model or even an older sibling figure. I had actual hobbies and fun. The joy I dreamt for so long has arrived.
Until I couldn't anymore.
My fiction of illusions had turned into hallucinations that became delusions that ate my sense of reality.
I can't figure out what is real or not anymore.
What am I doing?
What was the purpose of this in the first place?
My brain couldn't see the line between memories and imagination at this point. My imaginative fiction had turned into memories that never existed. My friends that had always been by my side were never there. The comfort and happiness I felt were all just myself. The warm hugs, the joyous laughter and chaotic mess we were nothing but fiction.
Self pity came as the self realisation sank in. I am pathetic.
I just wanted someone to be with me, but couldn't.
I couldn't reach out. I halt myself before I make any mistake. I decided to lock myself in, before I even had the chance to open the door and look outside. I'm not waiting for anyone to come. Not everyone has the chance so I won't look for mine. What is the point of searching for something unsure especially if it can just hurt you more?
Broken is how I saw myself and how the world saw me. Giving up on myself, made people give up on me too. Why fix something that is beyond repair? I sat there silently. Watching the walls I built, before anyone could come in. I stood up on the rooftop and watched the ground.
I finally saw something in a different perspective. I looked up and stared at my surroundings that have always been in front of me. I wanted to reach the sky.
So I did.
I jumped.
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And you caught me.
You reached out to me.
Despite me giving up on myself a long time ago.
You didn't.
You held my hand and held on tightly. As we reach clear grounds far from the edge you hugged me. Paralyzed, I just stood there, I don't know how to feel nor to react. I stood there like an idiot as I wondered what happened.
Words that next came out your mouth might've triggered something. Something inside of me that was never there.
"You did well today."
Tears came out like a waterfall. My voice that has never been heard as I always kept silent can be heard throughout the rooftop with my scream. A stranger I never met before decided to hug me in the most assuring way possible. At last the chance I never took in the first place, decided to come to me instead.
Meeting you changed my life. You talked to me that day and made me realise things I never could. Despite me pushing you away you stood beside me. In my episodes of breakdowns, you were there beside me. Whenever I start going back to the fantasy I made, you were there to bring me back to reality.
Time with you passed by quickly. The time bomb I used to have has now disappeared as I had you beside me. You accepted me without any hesitation. I was broken, but you saw me as damaged. You fixed my young and immature self and made me see life in a different way. With you I grew into a person that could accept myself. You waited for me, for me to accept and love myself before I learned how to love you.
I cannot express how much I love you. The way you hide your face as you get embarrassed. The way you smile on the little things. The way we just look at each other and understand each other completely. The way the two of us would sit on a couch with silence, no words were needed to be used as there was no awkward air. The passion and devotion I felt for you.
I've seen myself change. I used to wake up everyday with emptiness. Now with excitement as I wait for you to call. I open my eyes just to think of you. My eyes that used to be dull and colorless were now full of life as it glitters thinking of you.
For the first time in my life, I have never felt the amount of love you have decided to give me.
Our relationship formed through my pain. We went through a lot to be here. You did your best to fix my damaged self, as I placed an effort to fix it too.
Time passes as we turn into adults. Our love from highschool that even withstand college has turned us into different persons. For the first time I learned to be selfish and said, "I want to be with you forever."
You agreed as you held my hand tightly.
You treated me well and loved me well.
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Until you couldn't.
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Friends for two years and lovers for ten years.
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The days, months and years we counted together have now stopped. The day I decided to stay home, while you drove home alone. Was also the day you disappeared.
It was also the first time I realised how fragile life truly is. Someone you love who was beside you yesterday, could not be breathing tomorrow.
My mind had forgotten how it was like to live without you. I gave all myself to you, I don't know how I could live on without you. The forever we promised is now gone. What am I supposed to do if you're not beside me?
Do I follow you? Or keep on living? But if I keep on living, what would it be for?
I am on my knees begging, "Please tell me you are still alive."
Denying can't change the truth. She sat there as she begged for her loved one to breathe again. I watched her on her knees powerless as she continued to blame herself. She blamed herself for something she couldn't do anything about. She thought of taking her life once, but she couldn't. As the promise she made with her lover she couldn't break, the promise to live happily.
She returned onto who she was before she met her lover. She lost herself between the lines of reality and fantasy. To the lover, she loved the most, was still alive for her. She went back to the room that she had locked herself in before and drowned herself in unforgettable memories that her lover had given her.
The names of the lover would never be forgotten, as the story that came along with them. With the peers they had met throughout their life, they share their story to remember the beauty that had blossomed from their love.
Weekly Power Status
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