¹ I just wanted to be seen.
All I wanted was to be heard.
I just wanted attention.
All I wanted was understanding.
You never really saw me.
All you ever heard was you.
You wanted the wrong attention.
You never wanted to understand.
I was your friend.
I was supposedly your girlfriend.
I was manipulated.
I was supposedly a person.
You were never my friend.
You supposedly were my boyfriend.
You were the manipulator.
You supposedly cared.
I was never an object.
I cared too much.
I was never consenting.
I was only a child.
You only saw a toy.
You pretended to care.
You did what you wanted.
You were only a child.
I was always hurting.
I never liked it.
I trusted you.
I obeyed you.
You were always mocking.
You loved it.
You broke me down.
You commanded me.
It was only a game.
You traumatized me.
You dehumanized me.
It was never a game.
I hate you.
I loathe you.
You stole my faith.
You haunt me.
² I've grown, changed. I always blamed myself. I should've said no, should've asked for help, should've ignored you.
The problem was never me. I was never the problem, it was YOU! You shouldn't have touched me, shouldn't have harassed me. Invalidating my concerns as me being a cry baby or a bitch. You're a victim just as me, however there is no excuse to treat women as objects. Dehumanizing and defileing me because you watched some porn and got ideas. We were children, you were like eight. How could you have known any of this. I was around eleven and I hadn't known anything about it.
Sex. I knew the word but not how it was done. I knew it was how babies were created but I didn't know the processes. I was too young to do the processes luckily you didn't seem to either. You touched your privates with mine but luckily you never entered me. You touched me and tempted me but I was always too afraid. You mocked me for it and it pierced deep in me. You talked about how you had sex with other girls before me. Hard to believe now that I'm older but being naive I semi believed it back then. When we were in high school you got a girlfriend and seeing the way you treated her, made me sick. You made her uncomfortable and you disrespected her. She was always over at your house and when we rode the bus ALL you'd talk about was the way you fucked her the time. While your parents were in the house and so was your little sister. It made me sick to my stomach. I should've told her mother who was the Spanish teacher. I never did because I saw the way she seemed to coddle you. I was convinced she wouldn't believe me and now I will never know.
I know after a lot of soul searching that it's not my fault.
IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT!! I'M NOT TO BLAME. I DID NOTHING WRONG BECAUSE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS DOING. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ADULT BEHAVIOR AND SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN EXPECTED TO! JUST BECAUSE HE WAS YOUNGER DOESN'T EXCUSE HIS BEHAVIOR.
I WAS THE VICTIM. IT AIN'T MY FAULT. NEVER WAS NEVER WILL BE!