Chapter 8: Self-Sabotage
I woke up feeling an arm wrapped around me. I am only covered with thick comforted with a naked body underneath. I love his warmth but this is how far things could go. I just want to close my eyes and be at peace but nothing in my system will agree. So, I carefully lifted Kein's arm but it didn't even take two seconds when he tighten his hold.
"You're leaving?" His voice was a low whisper, tinged with a mix of longing and resignation.
I nodded silently, my own voice barely above a whisper. "Yeah."
His hold on me loosened, his fingers slipping away reluctantly.
"That's it? You'll leave as if nothing happened?" His words were calm, but there was a hint of taunting in his tone, his eyes searching mine for a reaction.
I sat up slowly, pulling the sheet up to cover my body, though he had already seen every inch of me.
"Am I supposed to make a fuss about it when I agreed to do it?" I asked indifferently, my voice betraying the conflict raging within me.
"Come on, Kanalaa. Can't we have a moment, even just for a little while?" His plea was soft, almost pleading.
Guilt crept in with his words, tugging at my heartstrings despite my best efforts to remain detached.
"Come on, too, Kein. We're hooked up with each other because of our terms. Because we like the same things, same kind of relationship. You know I don't want romance," I explained, my voice tinged with resignation.
"I didn't know you were this cruel," he murmured, his words heavy with disappointment.
I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness that lingered in the air, knowing that despite our connection, we were ultimately bound by the terms we had agreed upon. At least that's my ultimate agreement to myself. And since I've come to terms with that, nothing and no one could ever change my mind.
The words that left his mouth were like guilt that crept in my system. But, I can't be too soft. The last time I was, she left us.
"Now, I am cruel?" I retorted, my voice laced with disbelief and frustration. "We both agreed to no strings attached, Kein. If only I knew you'd react like this, I shouldn't have let things happen last night."
Tension hung heavy in the air as I spoke, my gestures mirroring the conflict within me, hands clenched into fists at my sides, surpressing whatever is building inside of me.
"You know that things have changed. You know I like you," he pleaded, his words tinged with desperation. "So, why are you acting surprised right now? Is it so bad that I want to do the right things for you? Why are you repulsing it?"
His words stung, causing a sharp pang in my chest as I struggled to find a response. "Why?" I repeated, my voice trembling with emotion. "Because we both agreed to things, Kein. If things will go like this, let's stop seeing each other and consider this the last time. The next time, you're just our company's client and nothing more."
Despite the chaos raging in my mind, I managed to muster the strength to speak, though each word felt like a dagger in my heart. With a heavy sigh, I reached for my robe, feeling exposed and vulnerable. Slipping it on, I made my way to the bathroom to gather my clothes.
After changing, I turned to leave, but before stepping out, I spared a glance at him. "And right, stop acting like you know what's right for me," I uttered, my voice laced with bitterness.
His expression shifted from unreadable to dark, his features contorted with anger and hurt. "That's why you're being treated shittily because you're always settling for less," he spat back, his words like venom.
"And you are one of those less. Keep that in your mind," I shot back, my voice trembling with suppressed emotion.
Before a tear could escape from my eyes, I turned on my heel and closed the door behind me. His words echoed in my mind like a thousand knives, piercing through my whole existence. As tears blurred my vision, I stumbled out of the room, the weight of his words heavy on my heart.
Can I even blame him for his words when he is right? Why did I even bother hurt him when he only stated facts? To spite me. To lose interest in me. To leave me and prove myself that I was right. That at the end of the day, people leave. And, they can't stick.
At this point, I know, I am fully aware how shitty I was. This is a self-sabotage yet feeds my delusions to validate my actions and decisions.
As soon as I stepped into the lift, the weight of my sorrow crushed me. I collapsed onto the floor, my arms wrapped tightly around my knees, tears streaming down my cheeks uncontrollably. Each sob felt like a dagger piercing my heart, leaving me gasping for breath as if drowning in an ocean of pain. The lift came to a halt, and though someone entered, their presence felt insignificant. I made no effort to compose myself, too consumed by despair to even lift my head. Every fiber of my being ached with hopelessness, leaving me feeling utterly lost and defeated.
I got home and there's no single soul. Realizing that, my sob got louder and louder and louder until it sounded like a wail.
All I wanted in life is to live comfortably with a whole family. I never asked for a grand live. I have only wanted stability. But why do we have to be a broken family? It not only ruined my family relationship but every relationship I've had and potentially will have. Ultimately, it ruined me.
I despise my inability to break free from this cycle of misery, knowing full well that I alone hold the power to uplift myself, as no one else will come forward to aid me.
...
As Kanalaa's sobs gradually subsided, exhaustion washed over her like a heavy wave, dragging her deeper into the abyss of despair. With each ragged breath, she felt the weight of her sorrow pressing down on her, suffocating her with its intensity. Unable to find solace in the darkness of her thoughts, she closed her eyes, allowing the darkness to envelop her in its embrace.
As sleep claimed her, Kanalaa's tears continued to fall, silent rivers of grief cascading down her cheeks. Even in the depths of unconsciousness, her pain remained ever-present, haunting her dreams with its relentless grip. Each tear that escaped her closed eyelids was a testament to the turmoil raging within her, a silent cry for release from the agony that threatened to consume her whole.
Kanalaa lay curled up on the floor, her body trembling with the aftershocks of her emotional breakdown. The sound of her shallow breaths echoed off the walls, a haunting melody of despair that filled the air with its melancholy refrain. And as the tears continued to fall, she drifted further into the depths of sleep, seeking refuge from the storm that raged within her soul.
As the dim light of consciousness slowly penetrated the darkness of Kanalaa's slumber, she stirred, her body heavy with the weight of exhaustion. Blinking away the remnants of sleep, she found herself lying on the cold floor of their home, her surroundings still shrouded in shadows.
With a groan, Kanalaa pushed herself into a sitting position, rubbing her eyes in an attempt to banish the remnants of sleep from her mind. As she glanced around, the memories of her breakdown flooded back, sending a fresh wave of anguish crashing over her.
Feeling utterly drained, Kanalaa struggled to her feet, her limbs heavy with fatigue. Every movement felt like an uphill battle, as if she were wading through thick molasses.
As Kanalaa returned to her room, the heaviness of her heart seemed to weigh her down even more. She knew that she needed to take care of herself, to wash away the lingering traces of sorrow that clung to her skin like a second skin.
Stepping into the bathroom, Kanalaa turned on the warm water, allowing it to cascade over her weary body like a gentle rain. With each drop that fell, she felt a sense of release, as if the water were washing away not only the physical grime but also the emotional weight that had settled deep within her soul.
As she stood beneath the soothing spray, Kanalaa allowed herself to drift, her thoughts wandering to the trauma that had brought her to this point. It was a familiar battle, one that she had fought time and time again, each time emerging a little stronger, a little more resilient.
But today, the weight of her pain felt heavier than ever before, threatening to engulf her in its suffocating embrace. Yet, even in the midst of her despair, Kanalaa refused to surrender to the darkness. She knew that she had to keep fighting, to hold onto the flicker of hope that burned within her heart, no matter how dim it may seem.
After her shower, Kanalaa wrapped herself in a soft towel and made her way to the kitchen. The simple act of preparing a comfort drink and some food felt like a small victory, a reminder that she was still capable of finding solace in the midst of her pain.
As she sipped her drink and nibbled on her food, Kanalaa allowed herself to sink into the warmth of the moment, savoring the fleeting sense of peace that washed over her. It was a small respite from the storm that raged within her, but it was enough to give her the strength to keep moving forward, one step at a time.
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