Chapter 2: Chapter 2

Then I began to see the humor of my predicament, and even chuckled a little. I told myself sternly that it had been my own fault, though in my defense I argued that providence at least had something to do with it—in the form of that Perfect Ass, whose image, even now returned to tantalize.

“Damn you!” I reached down and squeezed my offending organ in a gesture of admonition—only to find that I was even now sporting a chubby. I chuckled, and sighed as the image of the Perfect Ass floated again into my mind’s eye.

Still, I told myself, and was surprised that I believed it, the journey wasn’t a total loss, whatever else happens now. For I have had a glimpse, albeit momentary, of the World’s Perfect Ass.

I thought about this, and laughed out loud. You slut!

Then I began to search for other, better words to describe my evident fixation: incorrigible, degenerate—those were good, but not quite spot on. Prurient?Too clinical. Then—wait a minute—the perfect word began to come to me. It hovered in the periphery of my mind, and then—concupiscence!Yes, perfect! It meant strong sexual desire. But it was perfect because of its archaic sound. I had loved the word ever since encountering it in a class on Elizabethan poetry. What was it? Spenser, yes—Spenser’s Faerie Queene. I laughed again at the vague sense of appropriateness.

I had finished my cigarette now, and hesitated before lighting another. Then lightning flashed again and I saw the tree trunk that was embedded in the left side of my car, just in front of the door. I shuddered. If it had been two feet further back I probably would have been seriously hurt. The sight of that tree brought me back to my predicament. I decided it was time to call for help. I searched my jacket pockets but couldn’t find my cell phone. When I tried to turn on the overhead light, I discovered it wasn’t working. That’s when I noticed then that the headlights weren’t on either. Something in the crash must have damaged the electrical circuits. I turned the key. There was no response from the engine. I was in a dead car stuck on the side of a hill in the middle of nowhere. And still the rain slashed down and the lightning flashed.

It was indeed a dark and stormy night.

I relieved my frustration by pounding the steering wheel. Damn, damn, damn!

After this I began to feel around me in the car for the cell phone. But, after a concerted effort, I found nothing. My search wasn’t helped by the fact that the car was tilted at about forty-five degrees, so that my shoulder was pressed against the door and “horizontal” was a term that no longer applied to any surface of my car’s interior.

So I gave up and lit another cigarette. As I smoked I began to realize that I would have to do something. A further search of the car interior did not recommend itself in the current darkness. I could wait until morning, maybe have a nap, but I was uncomfortable in my current position. So I decided to get out and “seek help,” whatever that implied. The point, I think, was that car was beginning to feel like a coffin, and I wanted to get out, even if that meant getting soaking wet.

So, after I’d finished my cigarette, I pulled on the handle and opened the door. Unfortunately, I hadn’t taken into account the car’s angle of tilt. The car door flew open, or, rather down, and I followed it, losing my hold and flying headlong into space.

I landed face-first in a heavy and viscous mud, and lay there, winded and slightly stunned. Gradually, I became aware that I was sliding slowly down the slope, along with the mud.

I was still recovering my wits when my shoulder came up against a tree trunk and my downward motion stopped. I wrapped my arm around the tree and lay there for a while. Finally, using this source of stability, I struggled to my feet—not easy since my shoes had no purchase in the mud.

When I finally achieved verticality and stood there, hugging the tree, I looked around in the darkness. At one point I thought I caught a glimpse of a light—warm and rectangular, partially obscured by the trees. But when I shifted my position to get a better view my feet slipped and I fell. And, when I had recovered, lightning flashed, several flashes in a row, which dazzled my eyes. After that I decided it would be better to head toward the light, and since it was downhill, this would not be a problem.

So I let go of the tree and half-slid, half stumbled to where I remembered the next tree to be. My outstretched hands caught this, and I swung around it, hugging the trunk to stop my downward motion before setting off again. In this way I gradually descended the slope. Fortunately, as I went the going got easier. The land became less muddy, and the slope diminished, so that finally I was able to stand securely on grassy horizontal ground.

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