Chapter 36: At the park
The next day, I entered the cafeteria, looking for that woman, but she is unusually not here. I directed to the counter to get my meal, still mindful of my surroundings.
Who knows if someone would suddenly stab me in my back?
Carrying my tray, I proceeded to the table where I can see anyone move. Now I know why Deither positions himself with this kind of distance. Aside from he is safe from disturbance, he can also watch the movements of people easily.
But me being away from disturbance is short-lived because I have the disturbing ones associated with me.
I am yet to place the spoon in my mouth when the two joined me on the table. I continued placing it in, disregarding them.
"Hi gorgeous!" Vien greeted me with a radiant smile, skimming at my bored face.
I moved my lips up at her, and she smiled more at my bland reaction.
I really couldn't get how she can find happiness even with these nonsense and petty things about me.
My eyes involuntarily flew on the man beside her who is unusually quiet and grim. I stared at him longer than usual but he is looking anywhere but my eyes.
I threw a piece of meat from my plate to his, but as soon as it landed there, he quickly switched his plate to Vien's plate, who isn't aware of the exchange of plates because she keeps smiling at the people around us. She then returned her eyes at me, winked, before she grabbed Rex's spoon to feed herself up.
Whatever now.
We are in the middle of eating when a group of guys neared our table. I didn't make an effort to look up and familiarize their faces because why should I?
Without permission and without finishing his food, Rex stood up and walked out of the table to join them. I tore my sight at his silent departure and strange mood.
I prolonged the food in my mouth, analyzing his actions.
He is acting childish.
And he can't possibly be angry at me because of last night's encounter with Remus. I continued eating until Vien opened her mouth to speak up.
"He is not angry with you. Disappointed? Yes," she confirmed even when no one is even asking.
"Is that so?" I said to counter her. " I am not asking for it,"
"I do not need your asking to share my thoughts. I have all the right to use my mouth when I desired to," she said, obviously irritated at me.
I stared at her, challenging her to counter me again. Her eyes returned to her plate, and I thought she is done talking but she continued.
"He is just disappointed because you make us worry about you."
I ignored her statement. I placed another spoonful of food in my mouth again.
Worrying for me huh? I told them not to get involved with me.
"Yesterday, after seeing that note, he immediately moved alone to find you, but because I am a good friend, unlike you who couldn't even reply a single dot on our texts... I insisted to go with him to look for a bad friend of ours."
I didn't even know they texted me. I didn't check my phone after that text message about a certain announcement Remus has to make.
I continued eating, seemingly dismissing her speech although I am watching her, out of herself. She is just continuously circling her fork on her plate. She shrugged and her eyes traveled somewhere more.
"We tried to knock at your door but no one is answering. We asked the people here if they have seen you, they told us they've never noticed you after last night. We drove for hours to look for you anywhere and then came back here, and saw you with cuts and blood staining your body and clothes. And you couldn't even make a single "Hi I am alive" speech." I sensed an obvious dismay in her voice.
"You just continued walking with that jerk like you did not see us,"
She finally stopped and glanced at me. She placed her fork down the plate. I made a swift look on my plate, pretending that I didn't just watch her.
"Like before, you keep invalidating our efforts and emotions. You know… that's no fun," she breathed when she realized what I am doing. "See? You are not even listening to me."
Waiting for her to go when she placed both of her palms on the table to stand up, I held my spoon tight. She is also leaving.
"Bye," she waved at me with a forlorn look before walking out.
Putting down my spoon on the plate, I looked up to stop my eyes from watering. Alerted that someone might read me, I walked out of the table too. The afternoon weather is fine to go for a drive.
-
I watched how the leaves of the trees around me move gently with the wind. I am now at the park which is hours away from the center. I sighed heavily looking at the gauze and band-aids on my body. Aside from those, I am feeling a heavy sensation in my chest and I am alone to deal all of these again.
Am I unconsciously invalidating them? Am I doing everything wrong?
I just want to secure myself, from anything, from anyone.
Am I too insensitive now? Is my decision to exist alone in my world, a bad decision?
I don't know...
Right at those thoughts, my phone lighted for a text.
The machine gun man texted me. German is here.
Without thinking and checking his message, I dialed his number and he immediately picked up on the first ring.
"Hello," I heard him speak from the other line.
I kept my mouth shut because I feel like breaking down just by hearing his voice on the phone.
Am I this deprived? How long have I been lonely? I shouldn't cry just because someone answered my call.
"Hello," he repeated again.
I cleared my throat and inhaled heavily to force myself to not cry. The painful feeling in my chest is building a lump in my throat that even a simple hello is already difficult to utter.
"Hello," I greeted, and I do not know how I managed to deliver it casually.
I mercilessly kicked a green pebble in front of me and bowed down to hear more from him. To feel more of him even when I cannot literally be with him.
"Good afternoon miss," he acknowledgingly greet me and I couldn't get why I wanna cry hard even with that simple greeting of his.
What's the matter with this freaking heart? I couldn't even utter a response because of this nonsense clenching on my chest.
"Are you doing fine there?"
That serves as a trigger in my tears and they immediately flow out of my eyes. I did my best to stop myself from sobbing but I couldn't stop it so I placed my phone away from me so he cannot hear me cry about something nonsense again.
I am doing fine there. I am day by day growing my skills like how I wanted, so I do not have any idea why these emotions are getting to me now.
I shallowed the lumped in my throat and dig my nails on the wooden bench I am in. Why am I letting those two affect me this way?
And why am I crying alone again? When will it ever stop? When will heaven, take away these lonely cries of mine?
I blew air hardly to stop myself from pretending.
I am not fine. I am not fine here.
I wanna go home. Please take me home.
I want to say that to him but I know I shouldn't.
I can't. He'll be worried again.
"Of course," I breathed and looked up to focus my attention on counting the leaves that are shedding me from the harsh sun.
New tears flow out of my eyes again because I feel pathetic lying to him and to myself. I exhaled when I didn't receive a response from him. Is he weighing my words again?
Not contented with his silence, I closed my eyes tightly to ask him a question I knew he can best answer.
"Am I…" I paused to compose a better question. "Am I an invalid person? Is it wrong to invalidate some persons' feelings to shield myself?"
He did not answer. I continued when I only heard him sigh as a response.
"Is it wrong?" I questioned again, turning my back to those kids whose eyes are now fixed at me.
Why am I even crying in the park? I look ridiculous.
And why are they even looking at me anyway? Why can't they just play?
"You are not doing fine there." he affirmed, understanding me despite my lies.
"It is never bad to guard your heart,"
"But be sure to not overdo it or you might suffocate yourself, " he said and I closed my eyes at that.
"And the people who wanted good for you" he continued.
"You know very well what was scraped from me-"
"And you are failing to see what was left and offered to you," he cutted my reason.
I bowed down and glared at those stupid stones on my feet. I proceeded to kick another one in front of me again.
I let my tears dry up. Calming myself as I listen to German and the dog get busy in the background. My crying has stopped now, but I am still left with my hurting chest.
Is he big already? Like bigger than the last time I saw him? He seemed to grow fast when he is still living with me.
"My money is still on my cabinet," I offered again to help with that dog's needs.
"I have lots of it on my cabinets too," he boastfully declared.
I can't believe he just bragged his money at me! This old man is a boastful one! Don't tell me he is still up about considering my future so he is not taking my money?
"You are boastful," I remarked.
"And so are you," he said back and I rolled my eyes at that.
I had a glimpse of a keen young boy who is long staring at me. I smirked mockingly at him.
Shoo.
"Bye," I bid to end the call.
"Always take good care of yourself. Call me if you need me." he bid back.
I breathed at his not faltering line.
Take care of yourself too. Always. Live the way you wanted to be.
"Why will I need you? I am an independent woman," I said, dismissing my obvious dependence on him.
He laughed heartily at that. "Of course, you will always say that,"
An overwhelming feeling rush at me because of his genuine acceptance and understanding of me. He has been doing that for years. He's been spending his whole life understanding me.
That's why I won't have a second thought if one day I need to sacrifice my life for him, for he is a great man and he deserve life more than me.
"Bye," I bid again.
"Bye,"
And I am always the one to end the call.
I already placed my phone back in my pocket but the kid is still looking at me.
Do I look friendly? Do I like someone who is fond of kids? Because I am not.
I waited for him to walk away. But I felt like my eyes will be all white waiting for that to happen. Out of nowhere, an idea crossed my mind upon looking at his innocent face.
"Hey you, do you know how to write?" I asked him.
"Me?" he pointed his finger at himself.
I made a bored expression at the redundancy. And I couldn't even roll my eyes because his parents are watching me from the far table.
"No, me" I still sarcastically uttered.
They can see my expression but they cannot hear me anyway.
The boy walked towards me and I am caught off guard when he sat just beside me, his body close to mine. I problematically sighed at his action.
I wanted to throw him up right now. Can I do that? No.
Stressed at his presence, I messed my hair up before looking back at his curious eyes.
"Can you write for me?" I asked again.
"I can! I am a big man." he proudly said so I looked up and down at him, judging.
He is already this proud at his age, what more if he grows up? Out of my will, I stood up and squatted down to patiently instruct him of what he needed to write. He listened to me carefully. His penmanship is very neat and fine. I kept the paper with his handwritings in my pocket.
As soon as he is done writing, all he kept doing is stare at me. Won't he go away?
Should I shoo him?
Or say boo?
Is that effective?
I cleared my throat to abstain him from doing it. "You can go back-,"
"Can we take a picture?" he suddenly asked and I widened my eyes disapprovingly on him at that.
"What?" I spatted a bit loud.
"A picture," he repeated and he moved to fix his hair as if I already agreed.
My eyes roamed on the place, looking for a possible excuse to not, but I only grimaced when I found none. I can't just walk out and pretend to know someone. Because obviously, I do not love involving myself with people, moreso with strangers.
He excitedly opened his front camera and smiled widely at it. I force a fake smile and I look sick doing it. He clicked and clicked and I am now starting to be more troubled when I noticed those kids who are staring at me earlier ran towards us too.
"George, include us too!" a young girl said and I am left really stunned by it.
They crowded me, and all I can do is freeze in my position and stretch my lips for a constipated smile when someone told me how pretty I look like and how she wanted to be as beautiful as me.
Oh, can someone tell me how to deal with kids because aside from alcohol, I am again reminded how I also suck on this?
Help.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone