Chapter 325: Two birds, one orbital laser.
Crossing the forest we came upon a barrow with a range of low, perfectly smooth hills, each with a single oak tree at the top, arranged in perfectly straight rows.
The Chankly Bore. A good strategic point for a campaign. Lots of flanking positions. Great high ground advantage. Plenty of fauna to hunt for food.
At the edge of the forest where the Bore met the treeline, lay an massive army camp streching into the horizon with little fortifications built onto the low hills, connected by floating bridges.
Soldiers milled about, drilling, working chores, patrolling, etc. when someone spotted us.
"Intruders!"
He raised an alarm.
"Oh relax!" I calmed the soldier, "We're only here to talk. We even came unarmed."
If I wanted to, I could decimate them all instantly with my divine power.
I'm thinking....turning their esophageal tract into snakes.
Ha! That'd be fun to see!
Or maybe I could switch their brains with their nutsacks and watch them drop like flies.
But if I did that, it would only prove my power and once I'm not here anymore, they'll probably dethrone him immediately. No, I need to make sure they never so much as think of rebelling in my reign.
And for that, the Lorian army will serve as a valuable example.
"You're here to talk?" A man in a white furcoat walked out of the camp with a small retinue as the soldiers surrounded us.
King Idri of Loria, our neighbour to the north. It was a cold and unforgiving land with scant few resources. A black man ruling a frigid nordic country. Truly, I must praise the showrunners' mastery of geography and demographics.
"What a shame then, that you did not bring your army with you."
"Your majesty!" Tick gulped thickly as he leaned in to whisper in my ear, "Now would be a good time to use your secret weapon."
"Relax." I waved him off.
I faced the dark skinned man and crossed my arms.
"You see, I didn't bring my army, because I don't need an army to deal with the likes of you."
King Idri raised an eyebrow.
"Are you asking for a duel?"
"Yes, actually. One-on-one, man to man. No need for our soldiers to die. Unless you're a coward?" I taunted.
His face flashed with cold rage.
"You will regret those words." He turned to his guards, "Give him a sword."
"No need." I stopped the guards, "For him, I don't need a sword. I could beat him with one hand behind my back."
"You either have a death wish." He looked genuinely confused as ge rationalized my actions, "Or you are a master magician. But either way, it doesn't matter. You cannot cast in a sacred duel. It is tradition. Something you Earth children might not be familiar with."
"Wait but then...."
Didn't Eliot use a magic sword in his duel against Idri?
"Do magic swords count?"
"No. Enchantments are permitted." He said.
Ah. So that's why.
"Alright. No magic either." I raised my hands, conceding.
"Do you truly not want a sword? A spear perhaps?" He insisted, "I do not wish to fight an unarmed man. It is not honorable."
"As I said, no need."
"If you insist. So be it. Here are my demands." He turned to Eliot, "When I win-"
"If." I pointed out.
Idri scoffed.
"If I win..." He continued in a condescending tone, "...I want a 50-50 split of the wellspring between Loria and Fillory."
"Very well." I agreed, holding back an evil grin, "But what if I win?"
Idri looked at me and laughed.
Oh he's so dead.
"IF you win....hah....that is...you are a funny man. That's not how this works."
"No? Well, it's only fair if I get something for risking my life too." I played innocent.
"Fine. What do you want if you win, King...?"
"Jay. Jay Walker." I introduced myself and saw Idri's son snort with laughter.
Prince Ess. Yes, that's his name.
As for why he was laughing....
Ah right, he was raised and educated on Earth, wasn't he?
His mom was from Connecticut I think? He probably knows what jaywalking is.
That makes things easier.
"And if I win, I want Loria to disband as a nation and submit it's land and people under fillorian rule." I added.
At that his face hardened and he looked at me as if I was an idiot.
"You ask too much." He spat.
"A barren, frigid wasteland for half of the Wellspring's supply? Seems like great deal for you."
Idri shook his head.
"No matter. I agree. You will lose, either way. Let us fight."
I smiled.
"Yes, let's."
The soldiers stepped back leading us into an open field.
We got into position, and he raised his blade at me.
"Ready?"
"Bitch, I was born ready." I said ,making a finger gun at him.
"Then let us begin."
He took a step forward, blade arrayed at my neck and I just jerked the finger gun.
"Bang."
The orbital laser dropped down, slammed into....through him, vaporizing him instantly as it sundered the lush field, turning it into a smouldering wasteland of lava and ash, a plume of black smoke rising into the sky, like a funeral pyre for the king.
The soldiers and Ess looked at the smoking crater where Idri stood seconds ago and then at the sky, gulping thickly.
I could see the fear in their eyes mixed with an indignation born of unfairness.
"There. I win." I turned to the Lorian camp, "Go on now. Bend the knee."
"You cheated!" Ess cried out, stomping up to me.
"You used magic! It is against the trad-"
"No I did not." I cut him off, "I did not use magic." I announced to the camp, "I used science. Tell me Ess, you're Earth educated, I hear. You must have seen Star Wars while you were in college. Do you know what an orbital laser cannon in?" I asked.
His eyes went wide as he realized.
"You have an orbital laser cannon....in orbit?" He asked, "Over Fillory?"
"Yup. And I don't suppose Loria has any means of mutually assured destruction? Nukes perhaps? No?" I leaned into him, and whispered, "Then you better give up peacefully, unless you want Loria to turn into another Hiroshima and Nagasaki."
He looked at me with sheer terror in his eyes and I relished every moment
Hehehehahahhahahah!
I smiled wide, staring into his eyes.
"So?" I spoke up a little louder.
"I-it wasn't magic." He fell to his knees, shaking, "The n-nation of Loria s-surrenders to Fillory."
"What?!" A general in the crowd stepped forward, shouting, "You traitorous little shit! He cheated! He broke the traditions! He is a heretic! The nation of Loria will never bow to his tyranny!"
He rallied the soldiers as cheering broke out in the camp.
I just rolled my eyes as another beam descended from the skies, and another plume of black smoke rose up into the sky.
That shut them up instantly.
"Does anyone else want to return home in an urn?" My voice echoed across the field as I scanned the lines, making eye contact with every soldier I could.
One by one, the levy dropped their spears, threw down their helmets and bent the knee.
"No? Good." I nodded, turning to face my own court.
"As for you." I teleported behind the two guards, putting my arms around their shoulders, startling them.
"Y-your majesty." They greeted.
"What was your name again? Gaylord? Bayleaf?"
He clearly didn't get the insults.
Shame.
"I think your majesty has me confused for someone-" he began to cover his ass but I stopped him.
"Bayler! Yes. Now I remember." I patted his shoulder and watched his eyes go cold.
I remembered him from the show.
He was Fen's old boyfriend, the one she was fantasizing about when we first arrived at the blacksmith's shop.
He was also an officer in the FU Fighters and one of the main proponents of the civil war.
The moment they realized their cover was blown, he and his friend pulled out a dagger, trying to stab me. To no avail.
I caught their dagger with my bare hands and my mesh sliced them to pieces, the little metal chunks tinkling as they fell to the floor.
"Now, now. No need to throw a hissy fit just because you got caught. Try better disguises next time." I chuckled, my chokehold on their necks growing tighter.
Eliot stepped forward.
"Jay, what is this-"
"We will never surrender. We will keep fighting till a fillorian sits on the throne!" Bayler shouted.
"Oh you will, will you?" I asked, pulling up holoscreens, "Because your fellow comrades certainly don't think so." The screens dispalyed Yue and Offee raiding the rebel army's headquarters in the Darkling Woods, killing all the officers in a brutal massacre.
A benefit of global surveillance. I knew about them from the moment they assembled their forces.
"My wives. Gorgeous, aren't they?"
"Monst-" The man beside Bayler uttered halfway when his head flew off.
"What were you saying again?" I brought an ear close, "Nothing? Must've been the wind."
I turned back to Bayler.
"Now where was I again... Ah yes. Your comrades. They've already surrendered. Your leadership is well... Let's just say, they died with their heads held high." I chuckled as the holoscreens displayed the entire army leadership's heads on giant stone spikes.
"There is no more rebellion." I announced.
"Cowards. We don't need them. We will kep fighting even if we have to do it one man at a time! You will never sleep safe.
I sighed.
"Seriously? You do realize it's Ember's fault we are rulers. It is his decree that only children of Earth shall rule Fillory. He is your real enemy."
"Then we will keep killing children of Earth until Ember rescinds his decree!" Bayler replied.
I raised an eyebrow.
"So you will kill innocent people but you don't have the balls to face your true enemy. Got it."
"Your majesty, might I suggest a swift execution for this traitor. We have plenty of-"
"Tick. Shut up." I ordered, and he meekly sealed his lips, stepping back.
"You know what, let me make a little prediction." I let him stand back on his feet, "By the end of this conversation, you will kneel down and lick my boots of your own accord."
"I will never kneel. I will never yiel-"
The holoscreens changed to show a quiet little village in the countryside.
"Your home village. Nice little slice of heaven." I pointed at the screen, "And look at that. Your elderly mother, fetching water from a well. At this age, she shouldn't have to fetch heavy pails of water herself. You should be there with her. I mean just look at the dilapidated well. Look at that moss growing around it."
A small drone force hovered above her, arming their laser cannons.
"And you know how the elderly are. So weak. Frail. Prone to little slips."
"You wouldn't.... " He growled.
A drone fired a shot at her feet, barely missing her.
She turned to look at the charred tile by her feet, feeling the heat and stumbled.
But at the last moment she garbbed the well rails with an unsteady hand, barely avoiding a nasty fall.
"Tsk tsk tsk!" I wagged a finger, "How lucky. But ask yourself Bayler. Will she always be so lucky?"
"You....." He ground his teeth, steeling his resolve. "She is old. She has lived her life. If she has to...." He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence.
I could see him falter.
Now for the finishing blow.
The holoscreens shifted again and this time it showed a young boy playing by the creek.
"And look at your little brother. Playing in the creek. Adorable isn't he?" I paused for effect, "But you know how banditry rises in wartime. The woods are just infested with them. Thieves, bandits, rapists, wild animals. All just aching for a juicy little target like your brother.
And if they get to him....." I shook my head, showing the rebel camp again, bodies in the water, "Just another corpse floating down the river. Now that would truly be a shame, wouldn't it?"
Bayler fell to his knees, tears in his eyes, finally broken.
"None of that needs to happen, Bayler. Under my protection, you could all be safe from.... Unfortunate accidents. And all you need to do... Well, you know what you need to do, don't you?"
He looked up at me, seething hatred in his eyes as he bowed down, tongue out going for my boots.... When I pulled back, and kicked him hard in the jaw, breaking it.
"I'm not ruining my boots with your spit."
I went to kick him again but Eliot grabbed me.
"Jay! That's enough!"
I looked at him and then back at Bayler.
"He literally just tried to kill me, El."
"And he failed. Let it go."
"If I let him go, El, he will perpetuate a civil war that will kill thousands. So tell me El, do you want their blood on your hands?"
Eliot pursed his lips and frowned.
"Jay...."
"I promised you didn't I? Trust me a little, El." I whispered, "I won't kill him. He's Fen's childhood friend. That's the whole reason I havent killed him already."
"Alright. But don't go too far."
Eliot looked me in the eyes, sighed and nodded.
I turned back to Bayler on the ground and squatted down to his level.
He was concusses, bleeding and in a daze as I grabbed him by the collar and brought him face to face with me.
"I will only say this once so listen close, Bayler. Here's what will happen." I healed him just enough to make him cognizant before continuing, "My friend here, High King Eliot has asked that I let you live. And since he is a friend, for him, I will. But when you get home, I want you to remember this..."
I swioed my hand in the air as holoscreens popped up by the dozens in the air, switching between channels constantly.
"I have eyes and ears everywhere. From the highest mountain to the lowest cave. Every bird, every leaf and insect is under my watch. If you so much as breathe a rebellious breath, I will come down upon you and your little village like thunder, and give you a little taste of fire and brimstone. A hell of your own creation.
And trust me, by the time I'm done with you, you will wish you had died today, right here." I oatted his cheeks, "So be a good lapdog and just live out your life in peace, got it?"
Bayler nodded, utterly defeated in mind, body and spirit. He didn't even think of putting up any resistance.
"Good. Now get out of here." I stood back up, pulling him back to his feet.
"Well handled your majesty." Tick came up to me, bkeating in his usual vassalating tone, "It was most magnanimous of your highness to spare his life. I would still like to suggest that you send him to the gallows, if only for the public image."
"You'd like that, wouldn't you, Tick?" I asked, grabbing his hand in a crushing grip.
"Your majesty-"
"I wonder, Tick.... Who do you think those rebels would have put on the throne if they had succeeded in killing us all? Huh? What do you think?"
"Your majesty, I-"
I pinched his pinky finger and pulled, tearing it out as he screamed in pain falling to his feet.
"The next time you try to commit a coup, Tick? Look at your pinky and remember. Remember this." I scanned the rest of the court, "Remember the price of rebellion. Because the next time, I will not be as merciful. Am I understood?"
No one answered, shocked into silence.
"AM I UNDERSTOOD?" I repeated and this time everyone began to nod and give they agreements.
"Good. Now help High King Eliot deal with aftermath of the war. And make sure this never happens again."
I walked back to Eliot and put an arm around his shoulder.
"See. I ended the war with minimal casualties. As promised."
"That was brutal, Jay." He looked disturbed.
"It was efficient. Or did you prefer the alternative? Full blown world war?"
He let out a breath and slumped in my arms.
"I'm not judging your methods Jay, just....why does it have to be like this?"
I shrugged.
"It's a medieval world. What did you expect?"
"I don't know... Rainbows, cute talking animals, an adventure... Not...not this. Not getting stuck in this world of monsters and warmongers." He confided.
"Oh! That reminds me.... " I apported a piece of paper to my hand and gave it to him.
"What is this?" He gave it a look over.
"A way for you to leave Fillory." I replied with a grin as I watched his eyes light up.
Eliot could create a golem of himself and then use it as a medium to live his life on Earth, since it would function as a second body for him, allowing him to feel everything he does in his normal body.
It was a method Margo discovered in the show after a psycho ex of hers she met in Encanto Oculto, and had unprotected ritual sex with, made a golem of her to have sex with and failed to contain her chi in it correctly. Once her chi began to leak, her magic went haywire and that's how they found out about the Margolem.
But this time, since she rushed back from Encanto Oculto early to visit Eliot after the Beast's stabbing incident, she probably didn't meet him. And if she doesn't meet him, the Margolem is never made and without it she doesn't get the idea for this spell that I gave to Eliot just now.
So I decided, might as well do it myself.
No, not having sex with her ex; the Margolem spell.
Eliot pulled me into a hug.
"You're the best friend I have ever had." He squealed.
"Be a little quieter. Don't want Margo to hear you, now do you?"
He realized and corrected himself.
"Best male friend."
"I'll settle for second best." I patted his back with a chuckle.
"Now I need to go and deal with the whole uh... situation. You can take care of the rest right?"
"Yeah. Go, or else your wives will kill me for keeping you this long." He laughed.
"You laugh but they might literally do it." I smiled, and waved him goodbye, teleporting away, back to the palace.
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