Chapter 2: Chapter 1- Friend?
I wake up to the sun veiling my eyes from the comfort and solitude of sleep, of nothingness. As I stir in an attempt to wake up, my personal maid Anna finishes opening the curtains and comes to my side. She is a 15 year old, brunette with freckles splattered like constellations across her innocent face.
"My lady, did you sleep well? Would you like to wash your face and come down for breakfast? The Duke, Dutchess and young master are going to be in the dining room soon."
She speaks quickly as though she is afraid of forgetting something. Her shaky figure reminds me too much of myself, my fear of public speaking or speaking in general. Though she lacks the stutter that ever so often pushes through my lips. I contemplate whether it is worth me going downstairs. Although I have been me for all of this time, I was practically an NPC, abiding by the algorithm of the game. But now, with my previous memories, I can feel that I am both no longer me and more me than I have ever been. I decide that keeping up a farce to maintain my character image is too much energy after having such an eventful day just the day prior.
"I am not feeling well today. As you may know, I fell quite hard yesterday and I might have hit my head. I haven't felt quite right since yesterday. If possible ... I would rather stay in my room for a few days to recuperate. Would you be so kind as to bring breakfast up to my room?"
I could both sense and see how puzzled Anna felt, both at me speaking kindly to her and at me asking for something rather than ordering it. Now that I remember my previous memories, I cannot continue to act the same way as I previously had. If I finally have free will, should I not act accordingly rather than continue along the predestined route of the game, which is my inevitable doom? I would rather not force myself to be mean to Anna or anyone for that matter, doing so would only lead to me sinking in guilt. One life full of guilt was enough, I don't quite intend to do the same again. After a few moments Anna breaks out of her dazed state and responds.
"Of course, I will let the Duke know and bring your food up while you wash your face. Will you be needing to see a doctor?"
"That would be great, could you call the doctor to come visit me when he has time?"
"Of course, then ... I'll be on my way."
The entire conversation was borderline awkward with Anna constantly walking on egg shells. Maybe she will eventually warm up to me as I do the same to her, I think as I see her figure retreating behind my closing bedroom door.
I lay back down for a second to gather my thoughts. Perhaps I could live differently from my previous life, perhaps I could even prevent my downfall from occuring, perhaps this is a sick and twisted way of giving me another chance at happiness. I'm grateful for the fact that I slightly injured my leg when I fell, thanks to that I can take some time to myself without having to face others. With everything that has happened, life is feeling too fast paced for my liking. I would rather sit and think and think and think until no more thoughts were left to threaten me. Maybe this time, things will be different. I can only hope that I will finally be able to rid myself of this guilt and do something, anything to prove my existence. Something to prove that this essential rebirth is not a curse, but a blessing.
With that I had found the motivation to get out of bed and wash up. It was a strange sensation, looking in the mirror and seeing someone I had once seen in a screen, and yet was ever so familiar with. I touch the mirror and feel the cold hard surface touching me back, as if to remind me that this is in fact reality. I scrub face until my skin is red from sensitivity, as though I can wash away all negative feelings, as though I can wash away the sins. But all the pain gives me is a sense of relief, like I have become clean for the first time. Once I finish, I decide the best thing for me to do would be to write down the routes and plots in order to some how remove myself from any of this, and if that is not possible, to save my own life. I am lucky that although this world may use English as a language for the aristrocrats. They do not use X language. How thankful I am that I wanted to get in touch with my ethnicity in my past life and taught myself how to read and write in X language. With that, I could be certain that whatever I wrote would not be understood by anyone but myself. I bring a pen and diary to my bed and lay back down, waiting for breakfast.
Anna walks in quietly with my food in hand and sets it on the table by the window. I don't quite feel like eating so I'm grateful it's a light breakfast. I get up to make my way to the seat directly in front of the window, so the warmth of the sun can gently press against my back. As Anna remains standing I feel uncomfortable, my previous anxiety of eating in front of others gets in the way of my comfort. I suppose things like mental illness will not change merely by changing bodies, right? In an attempt to feel less like I am being watched or even judged I decide to do something which is much less strange for me as the villainess, and more so strange for anyone of my social standing. I look Anna in the eyes.
"Can you sit down with me so that we can chat while I eat?"
"I- I- I dare not sit with you my lady." She awkwardly protests, waving her hands quickly to signify her reluctance.
"It's a request, if you feel unpleasant then you can say no... But know that even if you choose to, you will not be reprimanded. No one will know and I'd feel much more comfortable having you sit and converse with me, than stand by my side doing nothing but watching me."
I can sense her faltering. She seems to be trying to figure out whether this is a trap of some sorts. I cannot blame her given my pompous behaviour in the past. I smile gently to reassure her that I am not lying. As terrible as I might have been until know, being the 14 year old brat I am, I was known for being honest, maybe too honest at times but that's beside the point. She must sense that as well as she begins to slowly and quietly sit opposite me.
"Then... I guess I shall sit and converse. If ...that's what you wish."
"I'm sure this is awkward for you but I'd rather you feel more comfortable and talk to me as you would any other person. So I guess... Is there anything interesting going on in your life or maybe is there any new gossip circulating?" I ask as I eat a spoonful of porridge, inwardly cringing at how strained this conversation is.
"My life... Is the same as usual. In terms of gossip..." she nervously fiddles with her fingers.
"Is it something you can't tell me? I won't force you, so you don't have to worry."
"It's not that! She quickly refutes. It's just... It's regarding you..." She slowly looks up to gauge my reaction.
I smile reassuringly. "I'm sure it's nothing out of the ordinary. Perhaps something along the lines of me being a spoiled brat or a bully or something of the like" I comment in nonchalance.
"Well... People were saying that you don't know your place since you were yelling at Baron Vitalis' son yesterday."
I could see her flinch as my face was visibly distorting in anger by the second. Although I didn't wish to scare her, I allowed myself to feel.
"I don't know my place?" I scoffed "I -as the Duke's daughter- don't know my place when talking to a Baron's son? I mean- is there anything funnier than that." I burst out laughing. Old habits die hard and my laughter is always loudest when my mind is yelling with anger.
"I'll let you in on a secret, merely because I'd rather tell you the truth. In all honesty, I fell down when the young lady of X house pushed me. They knew I was too prideful to say anything about it and so assumed it would be fine. I hurt my leg as you should be aware by now, but the Baron's son continued to yell at me to stop being weak and get up. I mean isn't that just so funny? I don't know my place when he was yelling at me? Well anyway, I decided it was time I started talking back to him. I might have let it slide in the past because I wanted to get on his good side, but now I don't care about that. I told him to stop barking at me, and I would do the same thing again had I returned back to the past."
After my short outburst that must have sounded a lot like rambling, I clear my throat.
"Well anyway, I've gone on long enough. I'm sure it's hard to believe that I am telling you the truth or being sincere given how you've been treated in the past. I realise that this is entirely off topic but with my utmost sincerity, I would like to finally apologise for how I've treated you. I am honestly ashamed and I would understand if you don't forgive me, you don't need to. I merely wanted to get my apology across and I hope you know I will not act like that again so you can feel more at ease."
I was talking too much and too quickly, concerned that words were not enough to convey my genuine guilt. Worried about how my words may have been taken, I looked up and saw Anna crying. I was filled with dread, had I in some way upset her? I was frantically trying to figure out how to comfort her in this situation and settled on passing her a handkerchief to wipe the tears off her face. Seeing me fretting in a manner unlike myself, she giggled.
"I'm sorry, I'm not upset. I'm more... Overwhelmed. I had always felt that my lady would change, but seeing you grow up so quickly before me made me emotional. Honestly, I'm okay. I thank you for the apology and although I might not be able to forgive you immediately... I hope you can wait for the day I am able to."
"That's entirely okay with me" I beam, eager to accept her proposal before she changes her mind. "I hope we have less of a business relationship and become more like friends given we will be spending a lot of time together? "
At this suggestion I could see her face light up with a smile which mirrored mine. "Of course, I would like that very much."
With that I had made a friend I could trust, someone I could rely on in this time of uncertainty. I began to feel emotional and cried alongside Anna, getting up to hug her, with her head in my chest. I suppose we both needed this sense of comfort, this space where we could simply be and not fear being judged. Now we had found it, within one another. Although perhaps our relationship was not the best given that I was still attempting to make amends for the past, it was just enough for the beginning of something wonderful.
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