I am writing or you could say trying to write whatever comes to my mind which I can remember so these aren't in any sequence or order.
What I write may never be read by anyone else except me or may be one of you might read it..... but even so for myself, at least for many coming years from now on and if I am alive and sane, when I have a mood to look back to what I have written …. I would like to remember how the "me" today was.
Well today's me unlike my childhood small home, live in a rented big flat on a first floor of the building, in a different state among different people. We have relocated here in last week of March this year. But we have changed from five members and two cats to four members and no cats no pets.
A month and a few days later we will be having my dad's first death anniversary. I feel bad even thinking about it, not of having his death anniversary celebrated but meeting all those relatives again, who didn't care much of him when he was alive and bedridden.
Anyway, the me today is very poor. I am unemployed. I have been applying to many job applications since last month but nothing seems to work out.
And going forward , probably I will be unemployed during my dad's death anniversary and I can already imagine the looks of contempt and 'example of bad role model' I am going to get when I meet these relatives. After all, we don't own a house so all the rituals are going to done in my maternal uncle's house, where very soon my elder cousin sister's wedding is going to be held. So, I have to attend even though I hate attending functions.
Probably none of my family members know... not even my mom... that I hate attending functions. And its not like if I say I don't want to attend they will let me be.
So, TODAY's ME is obsessed to become financially independent by getting a job, because I will have at least a very lame reason to stop attending function -Sorry , I am Busy...
My love for cats hasn't changed.... and this is the constant thing I would feel happy...even today.
Today's me hates many things than liking.... which is totally unlike me.... but it is who I am today.
My mom's partiality for my brothers is growing day by day which even she may be unaware of.... but I may be sensitive however I feel she is getting more and more dependent on my brothers... she may even feel I will be married and my brothers are her only support, or the reason may even be that I am still unemployed and may be bringing shame to her.
Whatever , the reason is but I clearly felt it that way when we both went to our current house owner's place yesterday.
Today's me is very selfish... who may first think of herself before others.
And if I have to reason it myself , unemployment has indeed lowered my self esteem.
I don't blame my mom but I keep thinking if dad was here..... would this still be the case...
I have to compromise in some things I don't like to do, or my opinion is never asked in little to many things, but I feel even if I voice out my opinions wouldn't matter because I am unemployed and so am not contributing to this family financially.
I know I shouldn't write these... what if somebody see it.... however the truth is I want to look back at these many years later myself, than anybody else reading these and commenting on it.
Hopefully , many years later I would be able to mend myself.
Now, today's me is somewhat alone.... apart from my family I don't talk to anybody else unless necessary. That means in this current world of active social media, I have not talked to any of my friends for almost a year... to be specific since my dad's death.
They don't even know my dad expired and I would like to keep it that way until I am in a better mental state to cope up. But, this absence in my social life has given me very good understanding of identifying people.
More than a week ago was my birthday and only six people wished me of which three are my family members- mom and brothers.
It may seem very fake if I say I don't feel sad about it..... but the truth is I really don't care...and really didn't feel anything.
Well, for today's me when I am free.... I like reading this webnovel -
Back in 90, she became popular in the circle of surgical bosses
Author: Fat Mom Xiangshan
And if I have money and get employed... I would like to buy Divergent series written by Veronica Roth and read all these books all over again.
The me today is single and do not want to get married or you can even say have a very bad and negative opinion on marriage but all my relatives will bring this topic when we meet again more than a month later. I may even seem quite irritated but once I want to ask them to just mind their own business. However , I know that may be two or three years from now my own brothers may bring this matter up.... and if I don't get a job they may not even wait that much.
Today's me doesn't quite believe in god, but I still go to temple some time just to be spiritually happy, I like the silent and peaceful atmospheric state in the temples and the prasad that is given after the pooja.
As I said earlier, I don't like many things today..... but I still do it out of habit.... without any mistakes and.... without any tantrum.... may be it's because I am already an adult... anyway, I am quite sure my family clearly doesn't know my likes and dislikes... or even if they know about some things they tend to turn a blind eye to it... and I am not sure which one should I believe...
So, the me today is insecure and quite envious of all those young ladies who have their dad standing up for them when in need or just as a protector or just being there standing and watching their back.
At last, for today's me I want to come out of my shell and go to many different water places and if possible want to keep cats as pets again.
Hopefully....
someday... sometime...… when I look back.....
I wish... I won't be as sad and hopeless as I am today....