Chapter 24: CHAPTER 24
I woke up first and had time to rethink my mind. Now that it has come to this, I felt so weak because I feel like I cannot do it anymore. If I don't have to do this, I could just forget about it and move on with my life with him. I was really prepared last night but I wasn't expecting him to say 'no'. I didn't want to assume. It'd hurt so bad if I assume the wrong thing.
I never did anything to him for him to say 'no'. I only stayed in his house and ate whatever he puts on the plate. I could not remember anything that I have done throughout my days as a wife in his house that'd make him feel the same way as me.
I looked at him, wishing that he wouldn't give me a hard time because what he feels isn't love, I don't want it.
A few moments later, He opened his eyes and caught me staring. He sighed and closed it again.
"We need to talk," I told him.
"Where is this coming from?" he asked pertaining to my reason why I suddenly asked him about separating. "Did your brother tell you anything?" he asked.
"He didn't tell me anything,' I told him. It's the same thing but it wasn't Ali.
"Why are you suddenly telling me about this?" he asked while seriously looking into my eyes.
"I just suddenly realized it," I said.
I like how the conversation is so calm and he looks like he was ready to listen to what I am going to say unlike earlier when he wants to leave the room right away.
"Realized what?'
"That," I passed and gulped and looked away before continuing. "That we don't have any reason to stay together anymore,"
My voice went lower when I slowly saw the hurt in his eyes. I tried to breathe air so I could stop myself from crying. I wanted to cry in his face and ask him why the hell is he doing this to me.
We paused for a while. He took a while to reply to what I had said. And throughout that little while, I was fighting myself from crying. I didn't want to cry. not until we finished this calm conversation.
"I didn't want to regret it in the future. Because we lost our only reason to stay together," I added after a while.
He didn't say anything again and he's not looking at me in the eyes right now. He's staring blankly at the pillow I am resting my head onto. "I'll think about it,' he said after a few moments of silence.
I am glad that, that was what he said.
He slowly stood up and sat on the bed facing his back on me. I couldn't see the face he was making so I stood up myself too. But before I could see it, he went up and went to my side and scooped me out of the bed. "What are you doing?" I asked him. He didn't answer and continued walking out of the room.
I already knew where he was taking me. It's already midnight and we still haven't had our meal. Even after our conversation, he was still thinking about our meal. He put me on the marble counter and continued doing his stuff in the kitchen. Throughout the time while he was cooking, he never met eyes with me and I almost felt like he was too occupied with what he was thinking for him to even notice me in the kitchen.
But that's fine. It'd be better for him to think.
The meal was a lot more quiet than usual. It was so uncomfortable for us to be sitting at the dining table and eating meals together after talking about separating ways.
We finished eating dinner and even when we went to the bed, it was still quiet and I feel like it's been hours since I last said something. He was away with me on the bed and I found it normal.
I still don't know what he was thinking so I let him and slept the night away. I woke up without him on the bed. I took a shower and went outside. I wasn't planning to go to his office because I know it'd be awkward. I was on my way to the kitchen when I saw him coming inside the house wearing new clothes on.
Did he leave earlier?
I saw him raise his eyes up to me and he looked away as we meet each other on the staircase. "Where have you been?" I asked him.
"I was thinking about it,' was all he said and continued walking upstairs.
Since when did he leave the house? Where did he come from?
I came back to the room a few moments after because I was so curious about where he came from. It's pissing me off because he didn't tell me anything. I wasn't asking him what he was doing, I was curious about where he came from and why he didn't tell me he was leaving.
"Hey," I called him. He was on the bed half-naked when I got there.
"What?'
"Why didn't you tell me you were leaving?"
I heard him sigh. He didn't even open his eyes. "I left last night, I can't wake you up,"
"You should've texted me,"
"It was too late for that because I came back in the morning," he said and moved to face his back on me. I walked to move closer to him but when he noticed, he suddenly pulled me closer and stood up from the bed.
I was so surprised and even got scared I might fall on the floor but I ended up landing on the bed. I was trying to get up but he cornered me by putting both of his hands on both of my sides and he looked at me from the top.
"What is this?" I asked him angrily.
Without saying anything, he kissed me. I tasted alcohol in his mouth and I immediately found out where he came from. "You came from the bar?" I asked him when he let go of the kiss. Upon asking him, I tried to ignore the strange feeling in my stomach that they call butterflies in my stomach for a reason.
He didn't say anything and continued kissing me. I had no choice but to kiss him back with my hands clenched because I don't know why we are kissing after talking about divorce.
"Hey," he called me and kissed me again before I could even answer. The kiss is going wilder as time passes by. I had to gasp for air when he stopped. I looked up at him and his eyes are burning me. He bent his arms so he could hug me and his face went closer to my neck and planted a kiss before talking. "Why do you want it so bad?" he asked me.
"What?" I asked him back while gasping for air. His other hand crawled onto my face and groped it so I could face him. he kissed me again and I don't know what to feel about getting this many kisses from him.
"Why do you want to leave me so bad?" he asked me. Is he still drunk? I don't know but he seems sober.
I don't know how to answer his question. Because it feels like this will be the last time that we are going to talk about it and I am hesitating for an unknown reason.
"Tell me why you want us to separate so bad and I'll give you my answer," he said and went back on pinning his face onto my neck.
It took me time to think about what I am supposed to say. I have already thought of the best reason to tell him for him to agree with me. But it was a lie and I am hesitating to lie to him because I know this is going to break his heart and that is too unnecessary to happen.
But if I don't do it now, I might not be able to do it someday and I would regret it.
I prepared myself to say the biggest lie that I am about to say in my whole life by gulping and clenching my hands tightly. "I,' I paused and closed my eyes for a second. I know he couldn't see my expression because I can feel his face on my neck. "I can't live with those memories anymore,"
The movement of his hand circling on my elbow stopped. It almost felt like he went stiff. "What memories?"
What memories?" he asked.
"Losing a child," I said as a tear escape my eyes because I feel bad hurting him. I didn't want to hurt him but since it has come to this, I had no choice. I'm sorry, "I don't want to remember it when I see your face anymore,"
I am hiding the truth. The truth where he was the one who was helping me get through it all. he had always been with me whenever I feel down. And now I am saying the exact opposite where he was the one hurting me when the truth is that he was the one who stopped me from hurting.
I feel bad. I feel really bad but I couldn't just take it back and say that I chose the wrong words or say that what I just said was a joke.
I cannot believe I am hurting the guy whom I once agreed to be with before. I am hurting the guy who has been the only person whom I relied on when I was feeling down.
I cannot believe that I was so cruel.
It took him moments to say something about what I just said. "If that was your reason, how could I say 'no' to you?"
It broke my heart into pieces and I started crying. I know that he might think that I shouldn't be the one crying right now but I couldn't help myself from crying. And there he was again, pulling me into his arms like he used to. And it's making me worse. Because I just hurt someone like him.
I didn't want to leave you at first but I am scared that we'd regret being with each other in the end. Because you weren't sure about your feelings for me and it scares me to think that I would be the one to be hurt in the end. I don't want to lock you in a relationship that you never wanted.
I want you to be free and if this is what it takes, even though I might end up hurting you and become a cruel person, I would.
You cannot just become stuck taking care of a high-maintenance person like me. You can start a new life. Start building the life that you had wanted before you met me.
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It was noon and my things are already moved out of his house. It's been 5 days since that day. 5 days of silence and uncomfortableness whenever we meet eyes in the house. It was nice getting to live in his house for a very short period of time. But for now, I have to say goodbye.
Holding a brown envelope, I walked towards his office for the very last time. I was shaking already. He's in the office and I came with the divorce paper. I have to give this to him before leaving. I knocked 3 times before opening the door and saw him sitting on his swivel chair wearing specs and is already looking at me. he glanced at what I was holding and looked away.
"I'm here to give you this," I told him. He didn't answer and continued moving his mouse and is busy reading. I don't know if he would listen to me but I started talking. "I'll be leaving the country. I'll be leaving these papers to you, I want you to take care of it because you are never going to be hearing anything from me after this," I said. He didn't even look at me.
This is it. This is time for goodbye. After a few months of being in a relationship, I will be leaving his house for the last time. Leaving all the memories I had inside. I will never forget but I have to move on.
Well, I guess that's it, he's not going to look at me. "I'll leave now,' I said. But before I could even turn my back to him, he stood up and walked toward me. I knew right then that this will be the last time that I would be seeing him in white long sleeves and black suit pants this close again. He pulled me into a tight hug.
I already feel like crying when I entered the room and this is making me feel worse. "Take care," was the last thing he said. Even for the last time, he still cares for me.
My tears were falling while I walk to take my baby's urn with me as I walk out of his house.
Ali glanced at me and saw me crying when I entered his car. I was bawling the whole time we were driving. I don't understand myself for crying so much after what I did. But after this, We would both live a life we've wished to have before we met each other a few months back.
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