Chapter 3: Empty yet cold feeling
Okay, recuperating was serious fucked up. I mean..., I worked hard, pushed myself to the limits, Eat healthy, sleep in quality... I did everything the doctor's suggested just so I could be healthy again but it just takes too slow to get better for my liking.
Sometimes I even wanted to pat myself on the back proudly on what I achieved so far, Take myself out and spoil myself rotten and show myself just how much I make me proud.
But, no.
I even went to my sisters' babies baptism looking like a clown with a cone on my neck like some dog, Metal standing thingy that was built on my left leg while I had some minor dressings to my right,Crutches under both armpits, don't get me started with all the bandages I could still feel oll over my body.
It's been three months since the accident and I'm yet to return to my original image. My past beautiful self.
Yes, I needed a second chance but not to the extent of my body looking like a construction site. Damn it!
But,that wasn't what was upsetting me the most, It was the fact that I have a high possibility of being permanent blind... Like, Good Lord! I wasn't complaining or anything but being blind? All that darkness even in the daytime? That helplessness of depending on other people for guidance even to the toilet? That was never how I envisioned my second life to be.
Plus I needed my eyes if I ever wanted to return working as a designer after all that.
"Jesus, Andy! You may be blind and I don't fault you in that but this...? This is why Monica passed away early on!" I heard my sister's nag. I don't have to have eyes to see why she was fired up to the point of mentioning our late Mom.
She's a neat freak and if I wasn't mistaken the whole room was full of my dirty clothes and snacks without failing to mention the half an hour old broken water glass.
I smiled sweetly at where her voice was heard from "Aww, Good morning to you too, sweet little sister"
"Fuck you, Andy" She cursed before I heard rustles across the room. She was tidying up my room. AGAIN.
"Don't you have like fifty maids in this house? Why are you doing this alone? Want me to feel guilty or something?" I teased even though, I really was feeling guilty.
She was up the whole night for the babies. I can't see her dark circles but, I know her and she was at her limits.
"You don't want them to help you for shit!" She yelled at me perhaps with a glare my way and at that moment I was glad I couldn't see.
She has eyes that will make you feel punched to the guts. It's an art for sure since I never mastered it.
"I'm just afraid that they might fall in love and that'd only break their hearts" I said helplessly, feigning innocence.
"If only you could see that disfigured face of yours" Said Antonia with a laugh.
"Come..., Come lay here beside me" I called for her while patting on my bed and just like when we were kids she came running and got under the blanket quickly.
I initiated the hug because I could feel her straining herself to stay close to me with the fear of hurting me.
"What's going on with you, Teety?" I asked her softly. If you know her then you could sense from miles away that there was something gnawing at her.
"I don't wanna be a mom anymore" Whispered Antonia in my embrace.
"Are you having a postpartum depression or something?" I pressed, kissing her forehead.
"They are just crying always. I can't sleep in peace, I can't eat, I'm not allowed to go out anymore... I'm just that..., A mom" Complained Antonia, earnestly.
"How about we go out with the baby to my next appointment with my shrink?" I suggested softly and she just sighed.
"I don't think Troy will ever let me!" Said Antonia with a sad tone
"Have you told him how you feel?" I asked, rubbing on her back in a pattern she likes soothingly.
"And risk a fight? No, thanks" Refused Antonia without hesitation.
"I think you should talk to him about this, don't hold everything in your heart...it's not good for our flawless beautiful face " I advised shamelessly.
"And to think I was surprised to find you gay is beyond me" Jested Antonia and I laughed aloud, shaking her head.
We went on with our sweet little banter for a few minutes before we heard a knock on my door.
"Madam? Jayden is awake... Ooh, and Hayley too" The nanny informed her before I felt my sister tense in my embrace.
"How about you let them do their jobs?" I asked genuinely needing to know.
"I don't trust anyone with my babies... and now, I can't even trust myself with them either. Isn't this fucked up?" She said more than asked, with a dejected tone.
"Let me at least be there with you when you're around the kids. Maybe it'll help..." I begged her and she agreed excitedly before instructing the maids to bring the kids to my room.
And just like that, I seemed to have allowed my bedroom to be transformed into another nursery of the house. But, it was worth it. Interacting with her like that, I needed that.
We were always dependent of each other.
I don't even remember why I blocked her out of my life in the first place. Or I... do?.
It was there years ago, when I saw her off, happily married and I got to taste the empty yet cold feeling for the first time. That day, felt like hell.
Loneliness is the worst!.
She had her own life, Someone she loves by her side and it wasn't fair for me to keep pinning on her.
She needed space and I gave her distance.
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