Chapter 1: Oh shit... I died.
Self-Indulgent Fic. If you don't like it - you are more than free to GTFO and not read it. Don't be a dick about it in the comments or something because I'll cuss you out. Sorry not Sorry, bro. This is based on a dream I had where I woke up in the body of Edward Cullen. I had that dream after being forced against my will to watch all five Twilight movies with my baby cousin. **sHuDdErS iN a VeRy MaNlY wAy**
When I woke up, I was so fucking RELIEVED it was a dream that I could have cried. Like actual man tears. Blubbering like a goddamn baby, cried.
But then I was like ... fuck it, Ima write my nightmare for everyone to experience with me.
Tanya Denali will be mated to me...aka Edward...but not cause **AMNESIA** - because Tanya can get dicked down any day of the week. And we can square up if you think otherwise, just hit my addie and I'll send the address.
I aint gonna spoil anything else - You'll just have to read it if you want too. If not, that's cool too.
CallMeDaddy and Enjoy the first chapter ;)
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Theo popped five Ibueprofen as he stepped out of the shower, gulping them down with a glass of ice-cold mountain dew. They were already waiting for him on the counter. He wrapped his towel around his waist; using another to quickly dry his hair before with a toss of his head, he flicked it out of the way. It was no use; his hair quickly fell back into place.
He's been told he has a 'Justin Bieber' haircut, but he has yet to cut it.
Chicks dig it and Theo was all about pleasing the ladies.
It was even easy to take care of. He simply added some hair moisturizer and brushed it down with a bristle brush before going through it once with a comb to get the little baby knots out and it was good to go.
Grabbing the moisturizer off the shelf, he turned on some 50 cent - Just a little bit; (modern day music just couldn't compete with the good stuff) and took to rubbing lotion into first his face, then his neck, and down his upper body and arms.
He followed that up with some icy hot rub on his biceps and abs. He was often compared - both physically and in facial features to Henry Cavill; he'd never complain about that, again the ladies went crazy for it - but the workout schedule needed to maintain that physique was a bit of a bitch.
After he was finished with his upper body, he moved on to his lower body. He shaved his legs despite what his friends thought about it; some women liked the feel of a man's hair but in his experience, women liked women because they were soft and smelled good. If he had to compete with that, he'd ensure he stayed smooth as a babies bottom and lotioned up for good measure.
The only hair on his body was on his head, his arms, and the slight path of hair leading from his pelvis to his belly button. Even his package was properly shaved and lotioned - not only did it look bigger without the attention being taken away by light brown pubic hair; all the women he had been with seemed to appreciate the care he put into making sure it was soft and smelled good.
After his mountain dew was finished; he moved onto a nice glass of pineapple juice. It wasn't a myth. Pineapple juice really did ensure that things tasted better, (three glasses a day) and Theo was nothing if not an attentive lover who had a date tonight.
She was probably a six in the eyes of his friends; but to Theo - she was a nine. He added points for the adorable way her glasses would slide down her nose sometimes or how she constantly talked about the books she read. He thought brains on a chick was attractive as hell.
He wasn't sure if he'd be getting laid tonight; not that he had a habit of sex on the first date but lately it seemed that was all women wanted. He'd be prepared either way.
After he was finished with his skin care routine; men have to have nice skin too! He went to his room to get changed.
He wore a white button-down shirt, with the top three buttons undone revealing a silver chain around his neck. A pair of black skinny jeans. A golden rolex on his wrist and a pair of Gucci black air Jordans. His wallet was tucked into his back pocket with three condoms tucked behind his money for good measure.
He didn't want her to accidentally see them and think he only came for sex but he was always, always, prepared. You wouldn't catch a mini Theo running around until he was older and more mentally prepared for such a responsibility. He was only 21 and with the way the country was going - what if he had a girl? Theo would kill any man who thought he could tell his little girl what the fuck she could do with her own body.
He popped his air pods in his ears getting prepared to make the short trek to his car that was parked down the block and grabbed a hoodie just in case. Ensuring he sprayed it with his cologne. If she got cold; he'd drap it over her shoulders despite her protests. It was a classic move that melted all females, dating 101.
As he walked 'Lean wit it, Rock wit it' came on and he danced his way down the street. He loved to sing and dance so truthfully his neighbors were more than used to it; not to mention with Tik Tok being a thing they'd seen far weirder shit.
He had gotten in late last night and since he lacked a drive way or garage; he had to park at least two blocks away from his apartment building.
His phone dinged and he pulled it out of his pocket just after he had already looked both ways. It was a plethora of texts from Stephanie, his date and he chuckled aloud as he read them.
{I'm ready ...}
{Or not.}
{No, I so am.}
{Do you think I should bring my book in case I get bored?}
{Not that I think you're boring!}
{Oh god.}
{Can you just ignore that I said anything besides 'I'm Ready'}
And finally, a gif that said, 'I'm just going to crawl under a rock now'.
Despite her embarrassment, Theo thought she was adorable. It was why he had invited her on a date in the first place. She was quirky. Theo could do quirky.
He quickly typed out... {I saw nothing except 'I'm Ready' - maybe the rest didn't get through?} accompanied by a smirk and a wink. He followed it up with {I'll be there in fifteen, beautiful.}
Smiling to himself he tucked his phone back into his pocket. He couldn't understand his friends struggles. Women were easy to please.
1. Compliment them.
2. Always tell them they look beautiful.
3. Never, Ever tell them your actual opinion on an outfit - always tell her she looks perfect no matter what she is wearing. Especially if she starts the question off with, 'Do I look fat in this?" That's a trap; not a true opinion needed.
And most importantly; food is the love language of 90% of the female population.
She's angry? Buy her food.
Period? Chocolate and food.
Sad? Ice cream and food.
Happy? Celebratory food.
That three day stretch where she has cramps and turns into an angry gremlin - toss chocolate from ten feet away and don't feed her after midnight. Also belly rubs and a heating pad.
Simple Shit.
It was just as he was about to step onto the sidewalk that he heard it. A screeching of tires and before he could even look, he was slammed into with a force that sent him flying. That was the last thing he remembers.
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Theo slowly blinked his eyes open with a groan. Shaking his head to rid himself of the disorientation. "I got hit by a fucking car." He whispered incredulously. When he found the dude who hit him, he was going to kick his fucking ass for making him late for his date. Slowly he sat up, stretching his muscles even slower to see if anything was broken or sore.
Surprisingly he felt even better than before he got hit by the car; was it like a marvel situation? You had to get fucked up to unlock your super power or some shit? Even the soreness in his muscles and abs was gone.
"Unfortunately, that's not how it works." He snapped his head up at the amused voice and quickly scrambled to his feet. His fists up and his feet planted.
"I have a date - can you let me go and kidnap me again in 3 to 5 business days?" He tried to keep his voice even and steady. He didn't have time to be kidnapped at the moment though part of him was incredibly flattered.
He narrowed his eyes in confusion when the man in front of him - who looked incredibly like Morgan Freeman - busted out laughing. Hands on his knees and all. "Kidnap you again in 3 to 5 business days? That's what you say to someone who kidnapped you?" His voice was both hysterical and incredulous.
"Well .. I mean, its sort of flattering that you went out of your way to kidnap me of all people. Truthfully, its giving 'pick me' energy and I've never really had that feeling before. If you were a women in your late 30s or early 40s, I'd be much more into it but that could be my 'mommy' issues springing up on me."
"Look Boy." Morgan Freeman sighed but his smile was still amused. "I didn't kidnap you - you got hit by a car and you died."
"I - What?!" Theo exclaimed, running his hands through his hair. "But I have a date! Stephanie is going to think I stood her up!"
"Probably. At least until she finds out you're dead."
"Did the one who hit me die too?"
"No. He was eating a hamburger and texting - he just wasn't paying attention and by the time he tried to stop, his car was much too close. He did lose his hamburger though."
Theo dead-panned. "Like I give a fuck about his hamburger." He groaned dropping back down onto the floor and staring up at the ceiling dramatically. "Just leave me here to die!" A brief pause. "You know what I mean, Freeman!"
A small chuckle. "I could do that. Or I could tell you the reason that you're here?"
"There's a reason?" Theo asked in a small voice.
"You are so young, you had a lot to live for and you were one of the few good guys left on earth - I figured instead of sending you onto the next big journey, I'd offer you a chance at Reincarnation."
"Would I have to be a baby again?" Theo sat up, using his arm to support some of his weight. "Because I just don't think that will work out for me. It took so long to get my body the way I wanted it - I refuse to start from scratch."
"No. I suppose Transmigration would work too. Into the last movie series that you watched."
Theo immediately blanched before trying to play it off with a confused furrow in his brow and scratching the back of his head. "Uhhhh - the last movie series? You know, it's just not ringing any bells. Maybe like Jurassic world or marvel? Harry potter, maybe? Lord of the rings? Something super manly, you know?"
Freeman with a smirk, shook his head. "Nice try, young one. Its not embarrassing to watch Twilight as a young man; if anything it would have gotten you even more women. Its considered 'uncool' not to like Twilight in 2022."
"Why does it have to be a movie series? Can't it just be something fun? What about Greys Anatomy? I could be Derek's twin brother!"
"Sorry, Kid. I already have the world ready and waiting to accept you."
"Son of a bitch." Theo whispered to himself before he shrugged. Being a vampire wouldn't be terrible. "Alright then but I'm keeping my body and looks. Like I said I worked way too hard for it. If not, we can just call it a day here and I'll move on to whatever the hell comes next."
"No, that's fair. You were big on self-care. It would be a shame to waste your hard work."
"So, what do I have an identity? Do I get wishes? Am I going to be stuck as the twin of Bella Swan? Do I have a mate?"
"No you won't be the twin or brother of Bella Swan. You can have three wishes and you do have a mate, but I'm not going to tell you who she is."
Theo grimaced but he supposed that was fair. The vampires in Twilight didn't get a heads up - neither should he. "Three wishes? Any Limits?"
"Make the wishes first. I'll approve or deny and explain any limits."
"Okay .. I wish - wait! Who am I going to be? Just some random male? Will I be in Forks or just in the Twilight universe?"
"You're going to be Edward Cullen just after he leaves Forks when he realizes that Bella is his singer."
"Son of a - okay, fine I can work with that. I won't go to Denali - I'll just disappear and do my own thing and when they eventually find me, I'll let them think I have amnesia. It will explain the changes."
Freeman hummed but let him make his plans.
"My first wish I want to be an Original Hybrid. I don't want to be like the Twilight vampires - they may be the fantasy to human girls, but I don't fancy myself as a sparkling disco ball. Since there is no magic in Twilight I won't have to worry about witches and I'll be stronger than everyone else, so I won't have to worry about anything else. White Oak doesn't exist in Twilight and even if it did - no one would know that was my weakness cause I sure as hell won't tell anyone. My venom will be poisonous but can I make it so I can choose whether my bite is poisonous or not? Or does that have to be two wishes? I don't want to poison my mate when I mark her."
"Sounds like you thought this out. I approve your first wish, I agree poisoning your mate would suck so I will give you that without making it two separate wishes. No limitations. Just the typical weakness that relates to a hybrid, but you've also thought of those. Those in Twilight will most likely assume a shifter bite turned you because you'll be part vampire and part shifter though you'll have total control over your shifting and no full moon issues."
"My next wish... I want to be able to turn anyone into a hybrid like myself. Even vampires and shifters. As long as they drink my blood and die with it in their system - they will turn into a hybrid in 24 hours. As for a 'cold one' - It'll have to be a snapped neck. Assuming they can be knocked out by one, they'd wake up as a Hybrid. I can't think of any other way it would work. Since Hybrids can have children, eat and sleep - I imagine I'd have a lot of 'cold ones' jealous and I'm a nice person. It's only fair,"
"I approve of that wish as well; again, it seems like you thought it out. I'll assure that snapping a cold one's neck indeed knocks them out, they'll be up faster than 24 hours though. Most likely 4."
"That's fine." Theo nodded. "And for my last wish - I want to steal Bella's shield. Not borrow, not copy - Steal. From her to me but strengthen it. No vampire powers work on me unless I let them, and I can protect anyone with it even from a distance. I can use it to block out any thoughts because that shit would get annoying. Jane is a sadistic little bitch, and I hate her gift. It's just cruel. I want to be able to protect the people I care about and if they don't want their mind read.... it's a privacy thing. I can respect that."
"And if Bella is your mate?"
Theo blanched, "Uhhh! I really, really hope she isn't, but like if she is - well she won't need it because I'll have it. But like she's not, right?"
Freeman said nothing, he simply smirked and took a sip from teacup that Theo didn't see him reach for.
"Right?!" Theo repeated a bit louder. But Freeman simply smiled and waved his hand.
And Theo started to fade. "Come on, dude. I don't want her as my mate! I'll even take Jessica over her! Fuck, I'll take Jacob! No Homo."
Freeman sighed and opened his mouth, but Theo was gone before he could hear his response.
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