Chapter 3: Session 3
1.Terrible Prayers
Akpos' pastor added him on Facebook and he innocently accepted. Two minutes later, a message came in:
PASTOR: How are you?
AKPOS: I'm fine, pastor.
PASTOR: May the building of heavenly favour collapse on your head.
AKPOS: (No reply).
PASTOR: May the thunder of blessing strike you and your family.
AKPOS: (No reply).
PASTOR: May God slash you with the axe of life.
AKPOS: (no reply).
PASTOR: May God stab you with the knife of riches.
AKPOS: (no reply).
PASTOR: May you be sentenced to life imprisonment in the eternal jail of success.
AKPOS: (No reply).
PASTOR: May the World Trade Centre of happiness collapse on you and your family.
AKPOS: (No reply).
PASTOR: Are you there?
AKPOS: Yes, pastor.
PASTOR: You should be saying amen to claim the Blessings.
AKPOS: OK. May the over-speeding trailer of blessings jam and crush you and your family. May the earthquake of happiness swallow you and your family members. May the sea of miracles drown you and your family members in Jesus' name.
PASTOR: (No reply).
AKPOS: You should be saying amen to claim these prayers pastor.
PASTOR: May thunder fire you! Idiot!
2.In My Shoes
A teacher was testing her students' intelligent level..."I saw a snake on my way home. Assuming you were in my shoes, what will you do?" asks the teacher.
JAMES: I will look for stick and kill it! "That's smart of you James." says the teacher.
"Robbers attacked me in my car and said, ''Your car keys or your life! Assuming you were in my shoes, what will you do?" asks the teacher again.
JOY: I will give them the car keys and run for my life. Once there is life, there is hope. "Wow! That's so wise of you Joy." says the teacher.
"I returned from work, opened my door and saw 50 million dollars on my bed. Assuming you were in my shoes, what will you do?" asks the teacher
AKPOS: I will bite your toes until you faint. I will then come out from your shoes and take all the money!TEACHER: Fool! You can't literally be inside my shoes. It's a figure of speech.
AKPOS: You can't literally open your door and see 50 million dollars on your bed. That's a figure of speech.
3.What Should I Send?
A girl was passing by and saw her boyfriend, Akpos standing by the ATM. She immediately hid and sent a romantic text to him, "Honey if you are sleeping right now, send me your dreams. Ifyou are laughing, send me your laughter. If you are eating, send me some food. If you are crying, send me your tears. If you are withdrawing from the ATM, send me some money."Akpos replies, "I'm in the toilet what should I send?"
4 .Primary Five Class
A teacher told a primary five class that 2x+2x =4.Akpos got up and said, "Its a lie!"The teacher angrily said, "I have been teaching for past five year now, so I know what I'm saying!"Akpos replied, "I have also been in this class for seven years now."
5.HIV Test
Akpos went for HIV test in a hospital on Friday and was told to come back on Monday for the result.When he got to church on Sunday, the pastor declared to the people that, ''Everything you are looking forward to this week shall be positive!''Akpos jumped to his feet and shouted, ''I reject it in Jesus name! My own go be Negative ooooo!"
6.Four Richer
A little boy, Akpos was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin Johnny asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen." Akpos responded. Johnny was amazed that he answered so quickly and asked, "How did you know that?" "Easy," Akpos replied, "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said; 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."
7.Who Died?
PRINCIPAL: Why were you absent yesterday? AKPOS: I attended a burial ma. PRINCIPAL: Hmm! That will not stop me from punishing you today. Now answer me... Who died? AKPOS: The first son of the cousin of my grand-mother's youngest nephew who is also the youngest step-brother to the woman who gave birth to my uncle's youngest step-son and he was also... PRINCIPAL: Alright! Alright! Please! That's enough! Just go to the Class!
8.A Stressed Man
A stressed man was thinking deeply in his office about all his problems, when suddenly a man rushed into his office and shouted, "AKPOS! AKPOS! Your daughter just had an accident and died!" He suddenly jumped out of his window. Immediately he remembered his office was 10 floors away, then he remembered he does not have a daughter and he also remembered his name was not even AKPOS!
9.Bring My Gun
One day, thieves came to Akpos' house. His father quickly noticed them and asked Akpos to bring his gun.After Akpos brought him his gun, he told him to hide in the room. As the thieves entered, his father brandished his gun at them and they began to tremble. Suddenly, Akpos came out of the room. His father, surprised, commanded, "Go inside!"Akpos shouted back, "Dad, you forgot to put water into the gun."Akpos' father is currently in the hospital receiving treatment.
10.Type of Sentence
In an English class...
TEACHER: Mercy swept the whole Compound! What type of sentence is that?
AKPOS: Compound sentence sir!
11.Best Interview
Akpos is a footballer who plays for one of the leading clubs in the world. His team-mates advised him to prepare answers in advance for post-match interviews because his English isnt that good. They had a few mock interviews, and told him to answer exactly the same way during the live interviews because they usually ask the same questions. But it backfired spectacularly, as this never-before-seen interview shows.REPORTER: Akpos, firstly, I hear that your wife is pregnant. Thats fantastic news, Congratulations!AKPOS: Yes, thank you. All credits goes to my teammates. Everyone worked hard for it, especially Emake Chiguoze. It was a tight situation when he came in, but his performance was great, with the help from Taiwo Ogunsanya, who looked like he was really enjoying himself. Special thanks to Kwame Adjo for finding space from impossibly tight angles. And not forgetting George Abbey, who showed lots of energy when everyone was tired.The reporter fainted
12.Who Is A Pharmacist?
One day, Akpos was in class when the teacher walked in. After teaching for sometime, the teacher decided to make the class an interactive one. Here's what ensued...TEACHER: Who is a pharmacist?Only Akpos raised up his hand.TEACHER: Is it only Akpos who's in this class?Still there was nobody else to answer the question except Akpos.TEACHER: Ok Akpos, answer the question. But before you do, take this cane and beat everybody in the class with it.Akpos, filled with happiness, did as his teacher said and beat all his classmates with the cane in his hands.TEACHER: Now you can answer the question Akpors. Tell these dumb studentswho a pharmacist is.AKPOS: A pharmacist is a farmer who assist people.The teacher fainted!
13.Football Dream
Akpos went to the doctor, "Doctor every night in my dream, I am always playing football." Doctor say, "Take these pills, they will help you sleep better." Akpos replies, "I can't take them, tonight is the final game."
14.Robbing Houses
Kwame one day told Akpos about the robbery in their neighbourhood. He said, "The robbers have been attacking for a week now. They have robbed four houses including my house and they operate by jumping through fences." Then Akpos replied, "That's terrible! But thank God I'm lucky."Kwame then asked, "Why? Do you have a dog?"Akpos replied, "No, my house does not have a fence."
15.Mathematics Riddle
In an International Mathematics competition...How do you write 4 in between 5?
CHINESE: Is this a Joke?
JAPANESE: Impossible!
AMERICAN: The question is wrong.
BRITON: Not found on the Internet.
AKPOS: F(IV)E.
(AUTHOR NOTE)
NOTE: The mentioning of these Country doesn't mean I'm insulting them. Everything I had written here is just for entertainment purposes.
And
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16.Akpors and The Principal
Akpors was caught red handed by his principal writing "MAY GOD PUNISH MY PRINCIPAL"
PRINCIPAL: What nonsense are you writing? [about to Slap Akpors].
AKPORS: Sir, I have not finished writing it.
PRINCIPAL: [angry] What do you mean. You are insulting me and you are telling me that you have not finished?
AKPORS: This is not what I want to write.
PRINCIPAL: So what did you want to write?
AKPORS: I wanted to write "MAY GOD PUNISH MY PRINCIPAL'S ENEMIES"
17.Bible or Iphone
PASTOR: If your bible and your Iphone is falling, which one will you catch first?AKPOS: My Iphone. Because the word of God cannot be broken.
18.Sharing Formula
One hot afternoon, Akpos and two of his friends went for a walk. On the road, they saw a bag full of money and each of one of them suggested how the money would be shared amongst them.The first guy said; "I will draw a big circle on the ground and flip all the money up, which ever lands in the circle is mine, the rest is yours."The second friend disagreed and said; "I will draw a circle on the ground and flip all the money up, which ever lands outside the circle is mine while the one that lands in the circle is yours."Akpos thought for a while, and finally came up with his own crazy idea; "I will flip all the money up, which ever lands on the ground is mine, and anyone that stays up is for both of you."
19.Car Brake
AKPOS: Hi Kwame, I need your Help!
KWAME: How can I help you?
AKPOS: Please, I want to test if the BRAKE of my Car is still working.
KWAME: How can I be of help here?
AKPOS: Please, just stay at the front of the car while I drive towards you.
KWAME: Ok.
After Some Minutes, Kwame was rushed to the hospital with broken legs while Akpos is now in the Police Station.Please, who is the FOOL here, Akpos or Kwame?
20.Exam Scores
Akpos' father wanted him and his brother, Mike to get an A in their mathematics exam. So he employed a mathematics tutor to help them pass their exams.They did the exams and few days later, the result of their scores came out. Akpos had an E.As Akpos was going home, he saw his brother with a swollen head, limping towards him. Surprised, Akpos asked him, "What happened? Who did this to you?"Mike slowly and painfully replied, "Daddy did this to me, because I had a B in Maths."Akpos has not been found for the past two weeks now!
Weekly Power Status
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Ranking 
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