Chapter 45: I’m The Protagonist?! 10
Waking up with no fluffy ball of fur in her pillow for the first time, Feng Shi could not help but feel slightly weird and unused to this peculiar morning.
Xiao Wang had opted on going to a barren realm to test out the energy inside of him.
He did promise to be here as soon as he can, with the completion of her mission at the latest.
She would be lying if she said that she isn't worried but she has faith in Xiao Wang and knows that he is powerful. She just hopes that it won't be his undoing.
Having the link open at all times despite the world difference, was an assurance to her but she can't dwell too much on that because today was the day.
Today was the day when things will once again officially begin.
She prepared herself extremely well today, showcasing the natural tender beauty of the host.
With one last look in the mirror, she smiled to herself before going down the stairs and heading out.
After that confrontation in their first meeting, her stepmother laid low since she was not sure of how much does she knows exactly about the skeletons in her closet.
Disappointed at first with the lack of excitement, Feng Shi quickly got over it but kept her guard up knowing that Feng Hien would not be backing down that easily.
She is bidding her time, Feng Shi knows this but she doesn't know what exactly is she planning and that unnerves her a bit. Especially now that Xiao Wang is not here to warn her about things.
That Feng Hien could be even making a move now for all she knows and yet, here she is, kept in the dark.
But she is far from helpless. She was taken off guard in her first world but lesson learned, expect the unexpected and always be prepared for anything.
Prepping herself up one last time before heading out the door, Feng Shi heaved a heavy breath before smiling brightly.
"Good morning, mister Zang" She greeted with an energetic smile at her bodyguard waiting for her beside the car.
"Good morning, Miss" Zang Tou greeted without much emotion but lacks the usual coldness.
Over time, making use of her innocent facade and pure countenance, she approached Zang Tou to gain his trust and earn his goodwill. He is still expressionless but he isn't as cold as before towards her.
Right, she may not have Xiao Wang by her side but she has prepared well for this day already, she can do this, she has to do this.
The ride to the school was quiet, the music from the car faded as Feng Shi simply looked out the window.
She would be lying if she said that she isn't worried. The near death and failure from the previous world had caused a shadow in her mental state. It had affected her more than she had thought.
Biting her lower lips, Feng Shi bowed her head and clutch her skirt more.
What if... What if she can't do it? What if she fails?
Dark thoughts have begun to emerge one by one overwhelming her. She doesn't know how it has begun but the doubt just appeared and then it became too much.
Doubts and uncertainties plagued her mind and… oh god! She can't breathe! Her eyes were also starting to get blurry. What going on? She feels like she's somehow drowning.
"Miss! Miss!" Zang Tou called out by her side. Huh, when did he get here?
Zang Tou took her hands and made her look at him, worry etched on his usual emotionless face.
"Thank goodness, I finally got through to you" He sighed but the worry did not disappear.
Feng Shi can hear him but she still feels fuzzy and suffocated.
"It's alright, just take a deep breath, Miss please just listen to me. Take a deep breath, good. Now, 1 2 3, exhale. Again, Inhale, 1 2 3, exhale. Focus on me, miss. Just focus on my voice" Zang Tou instructed her until she finally managed to calm down.
Closing her eyes for a brief moment, Feng Shi then smiled tiredly at him. "Thank You, Mister Zang," She said fatigue clear in her voice.
"What just happened?" She asked and noticed that the car was parked on the side of the road, cars passing them by, and with the door opened, she can now hear the noise from this busy road. How in the world did she miss that?
"I noticed that miss was having a panic attack, a severe one. I tried calling out to you but you blanked out and had to stop." Zang Tou replied finally going back to his stoic expression when he noticed that she is finally back to normal.
A panic attack? That's not right. The previous host is the one who has an anxiety problem not her.
"Do you want to talk about it? What caused the attack? I'm all ears" Zang Tou asked scratching his nape in awkwardness and hesitation, He is not sure what else he should do at this moment.
"I thought you were my bodyguard, not my psychiatrist" Feng Shi joked lightly trying to make sense of what just happened. Truth be told, she is still a little bit disoriented.
Zang Tou was flustered in embarrassment taking the joke seriously. "Do you want me to call your psychiatrist instead?" He asked and fished out his phone from his pocket.
Feng Shi froze and blinks a few times gaping at that innocent question. "You know?" She asked more like whispered, knowing how insecure the previous host was with her past and mental health that she made sure to keep it hidden.
When she goes to her appointment, she would make Uncle Lan and Zang Tou stop by a spa a few blocks away from the building of her psychiatrist and she would have to sneak at the back door.
"I saw you sneaking out once while I patrolled the area. There's nothing wrong with seeking help, miss. I know of a lot of other military veterans who needed to see a psychiatrist because of the trauma they faced" Zang Tou tried to make her understand that there is nothing to be ashamed about.
Feng Shi simply smiled since she may have the general idea of what it felt like for the previous host to be embarrassed for what she was going through, Feng Shi cannot understand, cannot comprehend it fully though.
The previous host also thought that there was nothing wrong with her at first but as she came to understand that what she went through was not normal, that it was not right. She hesitantly went to a psychiatrist to prove that she was healthy, mentally at least.
Yet, surprise, surprise, she was so wrong. Her mental state was crumbling and her psychiatrist was surprised that she wasn't suicidal.
Turns out neglect from your father, abuse from your step-mother, bullying from her step-siblings and constant ridicule from those around her, as well as the fact that she didn't have enough time to process and move on from her mother's death, was chipping away her mental health.
The host was in denial at first, stating that she was fine but as she reluctantly went to her sessions, she came to understand that she was true, not fine.
The psychiatrist advised a lawsuit but the previous host prevented that knowing that they would lose with their opponent's connection. What could an orphan, well someone who can pitifully be considered an orphan, do against someone like that? The answer is... Ding! Ding! Ding! Nada! Nothing!
"Thanks but I'm fine. I am going to be late for school if we don't keep going through" She replied trying to muster up her energy to at least make her 'I'm Fine' statement believable.
Based on his dubious look though, she has failed to do so, yikes. This doesn't count as her breaking character, right? Though the previous host did have her anxiety attacks to the point that she was on meds for two years.
Zang Tou knew that she was lying and she knew that he knew but despite that, her bodyguard just silently nodded before going back to the driver's seat.
When her bodyguard no longer cast suspicious and cautious glances at her, Feng Shi finally managed to relax back into her seat, her smile vanishing in a matter of seconds.
Panic attack? Heh! She is not that weak! She is not that weak. She is not afraid.
Feng Shi sighed trying to convince herself that she can do it but for some reason, everything just seems to suddenly crash unto her.
Ever since she found out that there are other travelers like her, she could not help but be a little bit nervous.
It suddenly dawned on her the gravity of what exactly is she doing.
She is going against fate and walking the path of becoming the villainess for an unforeseen amount of lives. Going against something that could easily crush her with even the world she is going through wanting her destroyed.
And just one mistake, one variable, and then... And then everything she would have gone through would be for naught. What would happen then? What would become of Xiao Wang?
It only now does she realize the pressure of her fate. It only now does she understand the difficulty of her journey.
With that understanding comes fear, fear of failure, fear of the possibilities, and fear of losing herself along the way.
She was confident in the first world because she didn't know any better but now it finally dawned on her the implication of it all.
Rationally, she knows that what she is feeling is normal considering her circumstances but for her to feel this way is still unacceptable for her. She has to be stronger than this if she truly wants to succeed.
As she stared out the window with a troubled expression, she wonders what Xiao Wang is doing now?
The trees slowly drifted away from her view as the towering building emerged from the central point of the city.
Students with different uniforms rushed towards their own school, some more leisurely than others.
There are also friends laughing with each other and giggling at their own silly stories.
the car paused at a red light making her observe the inhabitants of this world living their own mundane lives unaware of a lost soul watching them.
She could not help feeling envious as they know exactly who they are, they know exactly where they belong while she drifts among worlds that can never be her home, not until she finds her own. And for that to happen, she must see through the end of this path full of thorns.
Gifts
-- Gift
received Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone