Chapter 9: Entrée De Journal Huit: Pain and Misery
Nico's POV:
I've been faking all of this. I'm not getting better, or at least, I don't feel like I am. I know that healing, both mentally and physically, isn't going to just happen overnight. I know that, but I've been in the infirmary for two weeks now and I feel like I'm not making any progress. I don't tell any of this to Solace because I know it's just going to stress him out more than what he already is. We've gotten close over the past two weeks, and I've got to say, it's kind of nice having someone that isn't part of the Seven to talk to. It feels like I've started a new life without starting a new life because Solace really doesn't even really know me. Well, I mean, he knows me, he just doesn't know-know me like Jason or even Percy do.
I don't even know what I'm still doing in the infirmary. Solace hasn't even said anything at all about me being able to leave. I feel like I'm constantly lying on my deathbed without even knowing it, but I don't feel close to death.
Part of me wonders if I'm even still alive or if I'm in a coma or something and this is all just a dream.
I'm not sure how to explain any of it. It's still all really complicated to me and I still don't fully understand a lot of things.
Solace has said a lot of references to me in the time that we have gotten to know each other, but I don't understand any of them. I know I'm missing out. I know that I've been missing out. But I also know that it's not my fault. I didn't ask to be put into the Lotus.
I feel like I'm coming to a dead-end. You're probably wondering what I mean by that too. I'm trying to decide if I should even explain it or not because I really don't want this to be 'relatable' or whatever. I don't want you to feel what I feel.
Why am I acting like someone is going to be reading this? It's a fucking diary, nobody's going to be reading this.
So then why am I scared of opening up? I've already gotten too close to Jason and now I'm getting way too close to Solace as well as Percy and Annabeth. They're the only four that know about my sexuality.
Gods, I'm so pathetic, I can't even say the word. I know that Solace is only trying to help and that it's in his blood to help with him being Apollo's child and all that. I've met Apollo before and it wasn't fun. That stupid Sun Chariot, never getting in that thing again. So, I, I understand, or at least, I'm trying to understand why on this Gods forsaken Earth, he'd want to help someone like me. This entree is going to be short because I don't have much to say. I'm really only writing down my insecurities in this and not actually talking and facing my fears and my insecurities. Only listing them in case someone on the off chance were to read this and then they'd see just how weak I really am. They'd see just how small and scared and weak the only living child of Hades really is. How I put on all of this just for show. How everything I do is all just fake. How none of this is real. None of my feelings are real. None of my emotions. None of it. It's not real. It's not real to me but it's real to them. They think that I don't care about their reactions to seeing me. They think that I can't hear them talking shit about me when I pass them or when I enter a room. They think I'm blind. They think I'm deaf, but I'm not. I care. I can see. I can hear. The campers don't want me here. They act like they do, but they don't. I know they don't, I can see that they don't, but they're too scared to say anything. They're scared that I would call an army of skeletons to drag them to the pits of Hell.
But, in reality, I'm not that type of person.
But they can't know that. I have to keep the show going. Nobody can get to see or know the real me or they'll only end up getting hurt.
That's what hurts me the most.
That's what I'm the most insecure about.
I'm insecure about my body, about my father, my mother, Bianca. I'm insecure about my sexuality, about the fact that I can't even walk by myself now, about how I may never be able to walk without support. I'm insecure about the fact that I can't even look at food without wanting to throw up at the sight of it. That I've let people get too close to me. That I've killed someone. That I almost killed the entire Camp when I first got claimed.
I'm not a good person. I'm not someone people want to willingly be around. I bring people to an early death. I'm no good. The only reason that I'm still alive is so that the Gods can use me to mess around with and send on life threatening quests. I don't want to live like this anymore. But I can't kill myself because then everybody will know just how weak I am.
And so I'll live in the pain and misery that I'm currently in.
All because I don't want the Camp to know just how weak I am and what's going through my head.
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
visionrailmepls
visionrailmepls The reason my chapter titles are in French is because I am going into my third year of learning French and during the summers writing in French is a really good way for me to remember what I'm learning! My chapters don't usually have French in the dialog, just in the titles!
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