Chapter 6: Spare A Moment?
Having acquainted ourselves with the potential-STD-minefield of Level-1 Slimes, our journey continued towards the next town—our first stop on the journey to the Demon Lord's lands.
Our giant yellow bird (which I'd affectionately named Choco) happily pulled the wagon despite having four passengers and a whole amount of luggage stored in the back. In fact, Choco seemed to quite like pulling us along, chirping the whole way. Whenever I got back to my home world, I had a few apologies to make about a certain shield-wielding anime series.
"The bishop said we shouldn't have to worry about any real danger," Lily said cheerfully, her cheeks stuffed full with some kind of sweet pastry. "We just need to reach the church at the next town over."
The wagon bounced all over the uneven road. My eyes were drawn to Lily's chest, which wobbled like an energetic bowl of Jell-O squeezed into a leather dress.
Jiggle jiggle bounce. Jiggle jiggle bounce.
I glanced to my left, where Rio sat, gnawing at a hard piece of beef jerky.
Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
She met my gaze as I looked up from her non-existent chest.
"Something the matter?"
Her fluffy tail twitched dangerously, reminding me of a rattlesnake.
"Don't worry," I said, giving her a cheerful smile. "Every s'mores needs both crackers and marshmallows."
Before Rio could figure out my backhanded compliment, Davonius' rumbling voice called out—
"—We've got a problem."
The wagon slowed to a crawl and then finally stopped, accompanied by disgruntled chirping from Choco. I shoved my head through the canvas flap and crawled into the front seat of the wagon alongside our hulking bodyguard.
Ahead, the road narrowed into a small wooded area. And skulking along the road were three suspect figures, wearing bright-orange clothes and possessing a permanently deranged grin on their faces. In their hands, they carried—
"—Clipboards?"
The figures hailed the wagon from ahead, waving energetically.
"Hey there! Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and master, Priscilla?"
"It'll just take a moment of your time! We'd love to sign you up for an introductory meet-and-greet with her!"
"Sign you up. Sign you up. Siiiiign youuuu uuuuup."
I balked.
"I'm sorry, what the hell are these guys?!"
Davonius shook his head, his expression pale.
"The very worst type of creature. I'd hoped we'd never run into them—the Demon Lord's Sex Scouts."
I looked back at the three unsavory sorts, one of whom was drooling onto his clipboard.
The other two maintained direct eye contact with me, as if pressuring me into talking to them. Who did they think I was? I was a shut-in extraordinaire, an anti-social recluse; a few charity muggers weren't going to get a penny out of me!
"Can't we just drive right through 'em? These people are always malnourished from only getting a few bucks a day."
Rio poked her head beside me, her fluffy fox ears twitching, her eyes narrowed.
"These aren't ordinary evangelists," she said, scowling. "They're the reanimated corpses of failed Sex Scouts the Demon Lord sent across the lands. She tried approaching all manner of man and woman, but none could pleasure her. In their madness, they haunt the lands, still trying to sign up more lovers for her."
"Aw, man. I kinda feel bad for the guys… But I'm still not going to donate anything. It's the principle, y'know?"
"It can't be helped. We'll have to cut straight through!"
Rio drew the sword from her back and hopped onto the ground, her tail flaring behind her back like some kind of exotic bird. Her chainmail glimmered in the sunlight, and her sword's razor-sharp edge seemed to hum.
Rio had quite the exotic air about her, and for the first time in a while, I realized how cool my traveling companions were—
"—wash goin' on?" Lily asked, her cheeks absolutely bulging with sweets.
I sighed.
"Thanks for interrupting the nice moment you moron."
Lily's cheeks flushed and she squirmed a little on the seat, but I didn't have time for her antics. I was (apparently) the Pariah, destined hero (or nearest available pervert) of the land. How could I allow my kitsune swordsman to fight my battles for me?
"Rio! Fear not, I'll fight beside you!" I called out, leaping from the carriage.
"I'd rather you didn't, actually!"
"Text-book tsundere moment!"
Unlike the useless nun hiding in the back of the wagon, Rio could actually attack on her own without the use of my powers. Davonius lumbered out of the driver's seat and stood beside us, while Choco squawked indignantly at the lack of forward motion.
"Hey big guy," I said, side-eying Davonius. "Are you really going to make the little lady do all the work here?"
"—Who are you calling little?!"
"Sorry, Rio. I'm sure you're at least a B-cup."
"—I will actually stab you."
I ignored the kitsune's death threats, and turned back to the six-foot bodyguard who was scratching the side of his cheek awkwardly. Despite the huge axe strapped to his back, he hadn't made a single move to draw his weapon.
"Well…" the giant said awkwardly. "There's probably something I haven't told you yet…"
"Hey, friends! Can't you spare a moooomeeeennnt?"
The Demon Lord's Sex Scouts had begun breaking down, the last vestiges of humanity destroyed by their soulless work (so, honestly, still the same as people in the mall). Their clipboards started glowing with an ethereal light, and their eyes became sunken and haunted.
"C'mon big guy, time's wasting!"
The Sex Scouts approached, clipboards raised, pens ready to sign our names.
Davonius—our six-foot, heavily muscled, gorilla of a bodyguard—looked down at me, and said:
"—I'm a pacifist. This axe is for firewood."
"Oh COME ON!!"
Exasperated, I turned back to Rio, my last hope, our brave swordsman—
"U-um, I sh-should come clean too," Rio said, her entire body trembling. She glanced at me, her tail quivering, her ears twitching.
"—Please don't tell me you're a pacifist too."
Rio managed a weak smile, one canine fang poking free.
"I—I'm not technically a swordsman. I'm a candidate swordsman."
The Sex Scouts shuffled and stumbled towards us.
"And what's the difference?!"
Rio's ears drooped shamefully.
"I—I've never been in combat before."
"...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PARTY?!?!"
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone