Chapter 2: CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 1: 'THE HEARTBREAK'
On that windy and cold night. I was looking at the sky it is dark and almost lifeless, but when you look carefully, and see them well. There are stars shining and moons giving light all around. I'm tired and exhausted.
They say "We should appreciate the things that give us light through the darkness." like love, The love gives life to a relationship, while us makes each other feel that But just like a light bulb, the light it carries also weakens. And the reason.. The holder of that bulb is now too tired to handle it anymore. I'm still a person, I have emotions and feeling. I'm getting tired also.
"What the hell Rose? I said?! I don't want you anymore! I don't love you anymore ! Let's stop this. I want to end this. What do you not understand from what I said? We're not happy anymore! So, don't you ever stop me from what I'm going to do now. Because, I will finally cut the ties, connecting to us. I'm breaking up with you Rose. So, please, Rose, stop this. you're just finding having a hard time, if we'll just continue this. I'm tired! I don't want this anymore! I don't love you anymore! " He shouted right in front of me. Like, we don't have a relationship, we try to fix many fucking times! It's like I'm still alive, but I feel I'm dead right now.
It's like I'm the one who did sinned against the two of us, while he's the one, who is looking for someone else, while we're still together. I'm not numb to not feel any kind of emotions. I have a feeling too
"You know what! I'm also tired of this relationship! I'm trying to fix it because it's been a long time, but you keep destroying it even more" I shouted back. I want to cry, but I can't.
He smiled, but his eyes saying the opposite. His smile was like he was glad to hear that, but his eyes was telling the he wasn't I knew it! He just wanted to hear from me, that I was tired too. There's a different emotions I was seeing, but I don't want to conclude, cause I'm tired of assuming.
"You just want to hear that from me, don't you? I'm tired too. And I don't want this relationship anymore!" I scolded him, after I saw his reaction, not even change. I keep telling myself that we can still fix this relationship, but my damn mind keeps telling me that I should be happy even cause finally I have to let him go. I purposely let him hear my grin
"Answer me! Didn't you ?! You just want to hear it from me too, Kyle! Admit it? Why don't you just say it directly?" I shouted. I just want to hear from his mouth, if it is that true? Because If it is true , I will accept. Anything. All I need was the truth.
"Sure, I answered. Okay, I admit. I'm just waiting for you to give up." he calmly confesses, which is what I wanted to hear from him earlier. But why does this damn feeling give me pain?
"I'm sorry, if you're not happy anymore. I'm sorry if I'm still fighting, even though you're tired. I'm sorry" I had nothing to say but to apologize. I was sobbing as I bowed to him. I don't understand what's happening to me, as long as all I want to say in front of him now, is to apologize for everything.
"Why are you apologizing to me Rose? We're both tired! There's nothing wrong with the two of us then!" I wiped my tears, until I decided to look up and faced him. Tsk! Between the two of us, he first got tired of this relationship. As I got tired of his antics. I could see the pity, sadness, and pain in his eyes. But why would he feel that way when he should be happy because he was finally free! He is free.
"I love you. That's true! That's why I don't know why I get tired. I thought it would be fun, I just thought. As time goes on, I'll suddenly lose my spark, I'm suddenly tired. So I tried to find someone else. !. I thought I was right. I was right to find that spark in other people. " he explained, while I was still looking at him,with a hint of disbelief in my eyes. and my tears do not stop flowing. For pete's sake, we were right in front of the gate of their house.
"It's just that I was wrong. I should have waited for you to get tired too, before committing this sin to you. I made a mistake. Rose. So I know what I did was wrong, I just told you that before. Because I thought, you don't need an explanation ." he was referring to what he said earlier, before we ended up in this kind of situation.
"I forgive you Kyle. I know you don't want to. I know you're tired. So if you apologize in the next few years or months, now I'm telling you, I forgive you. And thank you all . Always remember that. " I just forced a smile. I didn't have the courage to smile at him truly.
"If ever our paths will definitely cross again. I don't have any hard feelings. I don't have any resentment, because you know it's easy for me to forgive but, it takes me a long time to forget." I finally said, before I left, in front of him.
________
I go to places where I rarely go, and only walk there, when there's really a problem. When I went there, I saw alcohol, cigarettes, and various people's perfumes. What do I expect? This is a bar. So I'll probably see different things as well. And I'm aware of that. I ordered one glass of tequila, and drank it with just one gulp.
Even the bitter taste was left in the throat. It seemed to me that I could hardly taste anything. I don't have anything anymore, please, maybe I'm going to drink bitter or intoxicating. After all, nothing good happened to me, especially today.
Damn it! This is the worst day of my life. Of course! Maybe not?
Hanggang kailan? (Until when?)
That's what I often ask myself, how long will I be patient for our relationship. or Is there even a relationship I'm still holding?
Ako maghihintay na para bang! Wala nang papalit sayo. ( I will wait for sure! No one will replace you.)
Tss! Is it true? The way I heard the music now? I think he is just waiting for the time to leave me. Or maybe he already left me, but I just don't realize it. I just holding the same person I have before, but I am still holding the same man, I loved before? I don't know.
Hanggang sa dulo ng ating walang hanggan! (Until the end of our eternity!)
In that chorus hits me. Does he need space? Why on earth he left me? Is he don't want me anymore? I will give it but why? I thought until the end? But it's not. I won't hold him anymore, I will let him go, if he just said it early.
Maybe? We were in the middle of things happening, but he gave up. He was like a fake tie, he didn't even last long, while you only got tired once, but suddenly he gave up.
Hanggang ang puso'y ng wala nang nararamdaman. (Until the heart feels nothing.)
Is it true? Does the heart really lose its feelings? Is he falling out of love with me? Is he tired of me?
Has he become numb? Did it really happen like that? All I want is a perfect relationship for both of us.
But nothing. Did it suddenly disappear?
Did it just disappear like a bubble?
For two fvcking years, it's just like that, after those fvcking years it's just like that. I didn;t even know, where the problem start? I just woke up one day, he already tired holding me.
I can't understand why those things happen. I just--don't understand. I'm seeking for a better future, with him. But unfornately he just ruined it again. I maka a lot of mistake, but I didn't include him, because I still beleiving that it is just a problem, that we can find a solution, and not a problem we regret in the end.
Hanggang sa dulo ng ating walang hanggan! (Until the end of our eternity!)
Did it happen? Did we reach it? Did I reach it? Because If I am, and if its a YES. I wish I wasn't at the counter of this bar right now, drinking a liquor while listening to that song that hurts me again and again. There would be no tears if we really reached eternity.
Because honestly, if I don't see him happy in our relationship anymore, I will let him go. He can simply ask me?! But why on earth he needs to hurt me like this. I'm done with his bull$hit?!
Not while we were, he was doing something wrong. He makes a mistake while he's still mine.
I hope he just said it, because I will do what he wants, even if he asks that he no longer wants our relationship anymore. If we doesn't work anymore, he just simply tell me that 'I'm already tired, lets end this.' and done.
As simple as that! But why didn't he just do it?
What happened and we ended up in this situation? I don't remember any reason why we ended up like this.
I thought so, really.
It's us! We were all the way to the end, just like that, cupid's arrow changed its path and went in a different direction and I should have been the one making him happy now.
That's why it's not anymore. Not anymore, because I know he's not happy anymore. He can't fight anymore.
Maybe I'm the only one fighting, maybe I already know, but I'm denying itd. I also know that love is no longer the reason why we continued our relationship.
Maybe I have a reason for that, and there's two reason why I still want to hold it.
Maybe I really want to fix it and continue. Second, because it's been a long time, and it's hard to give up.
I get my phone in my bag. I want to delete all the memories for good, so I decided to post the last word in my mind right now. I will not deactivate my social media account, but I want to restart again with the new version of me.
"The saddest thing about (Pag-Ibig) love is that not only that it cannot last forever, but that heartbreak is soon forgotten." status set by Rose. This is the last word in my mind right now.
Signing in to the new me.
The worst words that hit me in that conversation is that he doesn't love me anymore. There's no more love. And to answer my damn question earlier.
Yes, he fell out of love with me., I was hurt because I fvcking believing that you will not get tired of falling in love with the person you loved. I cried and cried, just like no one could see me. I don't have anyone to help me with this pain.
He doesn't care about me anymore. He finally ended. I sighed, as I took the pain left in my heart. I want to congratulate him, because he's successfully hurt me, more than I ever imagined. So I just ordered wine, until I couldn't remember how many I drank. When I was so drunk, I barely knew what was going on. The last thing I remember was lost consciousness and fainting.
_______
"Ahh .. Shit!" my head was in pain. I was almost spinning around, even though I was asleep. I was so dizzy, I was still knocking, so that I could wake up. It's morning, but I'm just paying attention. Shit! I'm not in my room, where the hell am I?
The fvck?! Oh my god. Did I drink too much? I scratched my mother's body to see if anything was missing. But, nothing. Nothing hurts. I sighed in relief, I just rolled my eyes, in this room. Based on appearance and size, design and color. This room is for men, or the owner of this room is a man. Looks like I'm familiar with this room.
"Rose! Are you already awake. " what the! I know that voice!
"I know you're awake. . I heard your voice!" I knew it.
Tamara.
She opened the door, slowly. I couldn't help but wait for her to open it. Oh my god. Her voice. It echoed in the whole building. I'm really embarrassed when she always does that. I curse her name in my mind. But, I'm now a little bit irritated, because she already knew I was awake, but she had not yet opened the door directly.
"Just open it right away." I'm starting to losing my patience, I promise I'm going to hit her! She opened it immediately, because maybe she knew the tone of my voice. Well, this is the true me. The one and only Phoerose Montaverde.
"Your bad habit is coming back now, huh?" she said why the small smile is now forming in her lips. While slowly approaching me. I frowned at her, while she was throwing medicine at me.
"What is this?" I have a question. "Oh God?! You rarely drink. You just got drunk once, that's why you don't know that. Stupid, that's a pain reliever for your hangover!" at once the water reached me. But do you have to curse me?
I'm not familiar with this, she called it a pain reliever.
"This is how I've behaved since then." I answered his question earlier. That's right. I didn't change. I did not.
"And excuse me, Mrs. Gray. Oh, it fits. I'm right, I'm in your husband's condo?" I asked, as I remembered where I had slept. See, this is the reason why I look familiar. This is my brother's condo. And she blushed, and I would have been hit by the nape of my neck when I blocked her hand with a pillow.
"Why? I'm just asking. There's no beating Tamara. In fact. My question is correct. So that I can contact my driver to pick me up here. You don't need to blush, while I'm asking that." I said smiling. While she walked out without answering. Well, she is married. She's married to someone I don't know if she loves her too.
Her situation is more painful than mine. Because I can still say that I don't want to, then it's over right away. But she has many more processes to finish everything for him.
"Tamara! I NEED MY PHONE. CAN YOU GET MY PHONE PLEASE" that was the last thing I said, before she disappeared from my sight.
________
"Dad. I want to accept the deal you asked me last week-Can I still get that?" I asked nervously. Once I accept this deal, the life I lived here will be left behind.
"Of course, baby. That deal is really yours. Okay okay, so I guess you accept it." he replied cheerfully on the other line.
"Yes. I called you because of this." my answer.
"Alright, Alright. I'll book your flight then" I said nothing, so I turned off the call lag. I already know the consequences of this decision. I already accept it. All I need to make this decision is for the person I love to know me. I can't do anything about us because it's over. And so far. I will face what really happens in my life. And my journey is just starting.
"Are you sure with this plan Rose?" worried question from Tamara. It's only now that I noticed that she hasn't left yet, after she handed me my phone earlier. I thought she left after she said that.
"I guess," I reluctantly replied. While still facing her
"Okay, I get it. You just need space. But, remember Rose. I'm just here, I will always be there to support your decision no matter what happens." smiling as she said. She approached me, and hugged me.
"I love you, Rose. Be safe, okay." she whispered to me.
"I love you too. Be safe, also. Call me, if you need anything, okay." I replied back.
______
Dealing with another country is really difficult. Talking with someone I don't know is really hard. Maybe this is a new beginning for me. New country, new life. Maybe this is also where all the pain planted in my heart will heal.
TO BE CONTINUE.
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