Chapter 2: Tragedy (English)
A life of suffering can only end with the sweet rest of death, but the relief of rest is something only people deserve, not scum.
This was the thought that Haruto had about his own life. A perspective where his only purpose in the world was to suffer miserably since death was a reward he didn't deserve.
Haruto didn't think that life was bleak or that the world was horrible, quite the opposite. He saw the world as a beautiful and colorful place, for him, life was the most beautiful work of art creation and all people were part of that beautiful scene, everyone except himself.
A beautiful canvas that shows the most beautiful work of art, but in that infinite beauty there was a grotesque stain that ruined the harmony and vivacity of the colors. Haruto saw himself as the scum that ruined the beauty of the world.
Haruto's perspective of reality was not a simple pessimistic thought born of depression and strong suicidal desires, his eyes had been influenced by his wounded heart and now he saw the world in a twisted way.
The sky had all the colors that the human eye could see, nature was a work of art that could only exist on the canvases of the greatest artists, and people were a mixture of defects and virtues that generated indescribable beauty.
Haruto's vision was filled with beautiful scenery, bright colors, and striking shapes, but the only thing that could cause him displeasure and even fear was the terrifying creature he saw every time he looked at his reflection.
Haruto's mind was broken by a growing depression that had led him to give up any pursuit of happiness, he only stayed alive because he didn't feel worthy of dying.
This psychological and emotional disaster did not appear suddenly. It all started when Haruto was a little boy, more specifically when he was 5 years old.
Haruto's family was a normal family from Japan. A father who worked as a simple office worker and a mother who was a housewife.
It was a simple but happy family.
When Haruto was born, his parents were very happy to see the fruit of their love, but the harsh reality of job competition led the father to push himself at work.
Haruto grew up not seeing much of his father, but he knew that his parents loved him, so he didn't feel alone. The father made an effort to spend the weekends with his son, while the mother was very attentive to her beloved son. A happy family.
Haruto didn't excel at anything special. He was an average kid with an average intellect, but if there was one thing he stood out for it was his love of drawing.
He wasn't particularly good and his doodles were those of a child his age, but drawing was what he enjoyed the most, it even made him happier than playing with children his age.
Haruto enjoyed looking at books with pictures of animals or nature, then he would try to imitate the drawings. It was a process of observing, understanding, replicating, and then giving one's interpretation of it.
Haruto's parents knew that their son loved to draw and practiced passionately every day, but they had no money to send him to drawing courses, in fact, they barely had money to survive.
Haruto developed a great talent for observation and analysis, not only of the environment, but he began to notice things in other people's actions and expressions. He didn't know why he could see strange colors or shapes in people.
Haruto talked about this with his parents and tried to draw pictures of what he saw. At first, the parents thought that it was just a childish game by the boy, but they quickly became concerned when they noticed that Haruto's drawings were getting more and more strange.
Haruto didn't draw gloomy or unpleasant things, actually, his drawings were full of happy colors and shapes, but the drawings of people had strange things.
Haruto had drawn his father as a strong man who seemed to be forged in steel, it was as if Haruto saw his father as an invincible pillar that could hold up the sky.
Although it was a flattering drawing that showed a son's admiration for his father but a closer look showed that the man of steel was covered in small cracks. Each crack had small traces of dust, similar to an abandoned building that was slowly deteriorating until it collapsed.
When the father saw the drawing, he was proud that his son saw him as a hero, but noticing the subtle but striking details of the drawing, he became angry and yelled at his son.
The mother did not understand why her husband was so furious over a simple drawing, after all, it was only a child's drawing.
What she didn't know is that the drawing represented exactly how the father felt. He was totally overwhelmed by the stress of work and many times he felt that his soul was giving up, reaching the point of having suicidal thoughts, since dying could allow him to rest.
Every day, the father had to endure humiliation and labor exploitation at his job. Only the peace in his house could give him the necessary energy to continue breathing, but seeing the reflection of his own pain embodied in that sheet of paper made something inside him collapse.
From that day on, the father began to treat his son coldly and even distanced himself emotionally from his family.
The mother did not understand what was happening, but she still loved her husband so she tried to support him.
Two years passed in this way. That was the moment when the real tragedy began.
Haruto was already 7 years old and her drawing ability had improved greatly. In his school, he was considered the best cartoonist, which attracted the attention and friendship of many children, although it also generated the jealousy of other children.
One day, a group of children tore up Haruto's drawings and made fun of him.
Haruto didn't think about fighting the kids, he was just sad and wanted to cry.
The kids noticed that Haruto didn't know how to defend himself, so they started teasing him more and more.
Haruto felt a lot of pain from the blows and insults, in addition, all his friends had turned their backs on him since they did not want to be bothered by the group of children.
At first, only three boys teased Haruto, but before long, most of the classroom teased him.
Some children felt guilty seeing how Haruto cried every day, but they did not understand why they continued to bother him even though they wanted to stop.
Peer pressure made all the kids see Haruto as an easily bullied toy.
Haruto tried to talk about it with his father, but he completely ignored it since the stress of his work was affecting his health.
Haruto tried to talk about it with his mother, but she was too worried about her husband's deteriorating health.
Thus, Haruto was left alone.
Haruto's bullying lasted for a year. At that time, Haruto's self-esteem was trampled to the ground, causing the once cheerful child to turn into a withdrawn child who was afraid of people.
Haruto felt very sad because he didn't understand why the children bothered him so much, he had never hurt them so he didn't think he deserved all that.
Despite the injustice, Haruto did not defend himself since he did not know how to do it. He had no supportive friends, his parents were focused on their problems, and the teachers thought it was just child's play while underestimating the impact of bullying.
At the age of 8, Haruto no longer had friends, didn't talk to his parents, and didn't trust his teachers, yet he still had something that made him happy. Paint.
Haruto loved to draw, but one day he discovered the beauty that lived in the colors of the paintings. Haruto did not stop drawing, although now his greatest passion was painting.
Haruto felt that a little of his life had improved thanks to painting, but this new love made him lose interest in classes.
The teachers called his parents to criticize them for Haruto's declining academic performance, though they did not mention that the boy was treated as a mockery of the school.
Haruto's parents got mad and that was the first time Haruto was hit by his parents.
When Haruto started crying from the pain of being hit, both parents felt sorry and guilty for what they did, but they didn't know how to apologize or what to say.
This feeling of guilt made them miserable. Quickly, that unpleasant feeling brought great frustration, which turned into mindless anger.
From then on, the two of them began to hit Haruto every time he made the slightest mistake.
In a year of mistreatment, Haruto had learned to always tidy up his room, study diligently, do his homework, wash his clothes, cook, clean the house, and not make noise.
In the eyes of the neighbors, Haruto was a perfect boy since he was polite, calm, and responsible, but no one cared that the boy no longer smiled.
Time continued to pass and Haruto turned 10 years old.
It was at that moment that stress, insomnia, long work hours, and frustration finally destroyed Haruto's father.
The man had been experiencing pain in his chest and head for a long time, but he ignored these discomforts because going to a doctor would be too expensive.
The pains had grown over time and finally the inevitable happened.
One day at work, the father held his chest in pain and fell to the ground, never to get up again.
Haruto's mother was devastated and she cried for several whole days. Her relationship with her husband had grown apart due to arguments, but she hadn't stopped loving him.
The woman continued to cry and every day she felt more miserable.
The company where the father worked had given monetary compensation, but it was a merely symbolic act since the money they gave was not enough for a widow to take care of her 10-year-old son.
The woman was so depressed that she didn't think about working, she didn't even leave the house and just locked herself in her room to cry.
Haruto did his best to go to school, clean the house, cook, and take care of her mother.
The boy had been mistreated, humiliated, and despised by his father countless times, but he still loved him and his death caused him immense pain.
Haruto cried every night while pressing his face against the pillow so that his crying would not bother his mother, he had acquired the habit of crying silently where no one could see him, that way, he would not cause discomfort to others.
This depressing lifestyle lasted for half a year.
Haruto felt more miserable every day, but he kept trying to take care of his mother, after all, he knew that his mother loved him.
One day, Haruto returned to his house when it was already getting dark. He had received another beating that left him unconscious for a few hours and that is why he arrived later than usual.
Haruto had learned to take care of his wounds since they didn't have money to go to the hospital, besides, he knew that no adult would help him, after all his teachers ignored all the bullying he received.
Haruto entered his house and let the water heat up to take a hot bath to help reduce the pain in his body, then went to the kitchen to make some dinner.
While Haruto was cooking, he heard the door to his mother's room open.
Haruto stopped cooking and went to greet his mother. He was happy to see her since they hadn't seen each other in almost two months, usually Haruto left a tray with food in front of the door before he left for school.
Haruto smiled seeing his mother. He didn't care that she was disheveled and unwashed, he didn't care about the intense look and strange expression on her face either, he just stretched out his arms to hug her when she saw her mother walking towards him with her arms outstretched.
Haruto felt confused when his mother didn't hug him. His mother's hands wrapped around Haruto's neck.
The boy had already been beaten, kicked, spat on, and beaten with sticks many times, but this was the first time someone had strangled him.
Haruto was only a 10-year-old boy, so he was easily knocked down by his mother.
The woman sat on the child's abdomen as if she wanted to crush him with her weight.
The woman's hands exerted more force around the boy's neck.
Haruto didn't understand what was happening, he only knew that he couldn't breathe.
Haruto didn't want to hurt his mother, but for the first time, he felt that death was near.
His body moved on instinct. His small hands began to scratch at the woman's hands making her bleed, but that only increased the maddened fury in the woman's gaze.
Haruto saw that his mother's face was not human, but an unknown creature full of hate and fury.
The boy was crying and trying to scream, but the pressure on his neck prevented him from making a sound.
The woman seemed to have lost all trace of rationality and she began to scream as she strangled her son.
She cursed Haruto's birth, cursed herself for giving birth to such a disgusting creature, cursed life for giving her a monster instead of a child, and cursed her husband for dying and leaving her alone with that abomination.
The woman screamed until her own throat tore. She blamed Haruto for her husband's death.
If Haruto hadn't been born, then her husband wouldn't have needed to work himself to death.
If Haruto hadn't been born, she wouldn't need to take care of him and she could have gotten a job to support her husband.
If Haruto wasn't so useless, she and her husband could have had a happy life.
The woman screamed all this while her hands strangled her son.
Haruto had stopped fighting. Her heart was still beating and she could still breathe a little, but her gaze had lost something important to all human beings, Haruto lost hope.
Haruto stopped fighting because she understood that everything bad in her life was her fault.
Haruto hurt his friends and that's why they abandoned him.
Haruto caused the fury of the group of children and because of this, they teased him every day.
Haruto caused the death of his father.
Haruto caused his mother's pain.
Life wasn't unfair to Haruto, quite the opposite, life was fair and that's why he punished Haruto. He was the cause of everything bad in the world and life punished him, after all, he committed the sin of being born.
His mother's words made Haruto understand the truth of the world. Life would be beautiful if Haruto didn't exist.
Haruto stopped fighting and accepted death. He was only 10 years old, but he understood what it was like to die.
Haruto thought that the world would be beautiful again when he died.
Haruto looked at his mother with deep regret and guilt. He hoped that she could be happy when he died.
Haruto's look made the woman regain some of her rationality.
For an instant, the woman remembered when Haruto was born.
The endless happiness she felt when she saw her baby, the unconditional love she experienced when her son began to cry, and the deep affection she felt when her son opened his eyes for the first time.
All these memories made the woman realize what she was doing. She, with her own hands, was about to kill her son.
The woman felt an amount of horror that she could not describe in words.
She quickly released her son and stepped away from him. The horrendous feeling of regret made her vomit until her stomach was empty.
Haruto was confused, he didn't understand why his mother let him live. He could only watch as his mother vomited while she cried.
The woman saw that Haruto's neck had the marks of his fingers, but there were other scars on the boy's face. For the first time, the woman noticed her son's wounds.
The woman's mind was a mess and she couldn't calm down to assimilate the situation. Her overwhelming sense of guilt made him think that she had caused all those injuries to her son with her own hands.
The woman did not dare to touch her son, she felt like the most disgusting monster in the world. The regret was so heartbreaking that only death could ease her pain.
Haruto's talent for seeing through hearts had improved over time, but it was still not perfect. He could see the hatred, sadness, and disgust that flooded her mother's heart, but he didn't understand that she felt all that against herself.
Haruto thought that the woman was too disgusted with the child, so disgusted that she didn't want to touch him.
The woman hurried to the bathroom.
Haruto had prepared the bathtub to take a long and relaxing bath, but the woman had other intentions.
With one blow, she broke the bathroom mirror, then grabbed a very sharp piece of glass.
The woman stepped into the tub and clenched her teeth.
In the hallway, Haruto heard the sound of glass breaking so he felt worried that his mother was injured.
Injuries from the beating and trouble breathing prevented him from getting up, so he dragged himself to the bathroom.
When Haruto got to the bathroom, his eyes caught sight of his mother in the bathtub.
The woman was pale, her eyes were darkening and blood was flowing from her neck. She had cut her throat.
Haruto started crying when he saw his mother. The boy's throat was badly hurt and he couldn't scream, but the silence in the bathroom allowed the mother to hear her son's words.
The child regretted being born.
The mother felt a new kind of horror as she realized that she had made the worst mistake of her life. She had been too impulsive and made her son think that her father's death and her mother's suicide were his fault.
The mother wanted to get up and get out of the bathtub to hug her son. She wanted to tell him that he was innocent and none of it was her fault, she wanted to express to him how much she loved him and how sorry she was for all the damage he caused him.
The mother was sorry for all the damage she did to her son, but it was too late. She couldn't move anymore and her voice didn't come out. She could only watch as her son cried.
The woman wanted to hug her son, but she could only stay still in the bathtub until her heart stopped beating.
Haruto kept crying until exhaustion overcame his pain. His mind, body, and soul reached the limit, so he became unconscious.
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Author's Note:
I write depressing things when I get depressed, but depressing writing depresses me and when I get too depressed I can't write...
Life is depressing.
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