Chapter 18: Her Circumstances
This morning as I was starting my exercises with Healer Yumi I requested her permission to go on a walk in the garden. She seemed almost happy to allow me to go.
"Lady Rhyvenna came to me yesterday evening to ask if she could escort you there as well. I obviously already gave her permission, and I think it's about time you got some more demanding exercise. In fact, I'm going to start insisting you walk more frequently outside."
"Healer Yumi, are you saying that my confinement to my room is over?"
"I certainly wouldn't call it confinement, but yes, you are permitted to continue your day-to-day activities. Within reason of course. I'll be staying here for the next two months to continue supervising your care. During that time we'll gradually be increasing your food and activity to a normal, but healthy, level."
There is a certain bittersweet mixture of emotions at her mention of that. I'm happy because I can go back outside to the gardens and the lake, and I can start studying again. I'm also allowed to dance, which despite how hard I've had to work at it, I do find enjoyable. But on the other hand, I will be back into the schedule that my father set for me once Healer Yumi leaves. And who knows what will happen then. It's two months away, so I still have some breathing room, but that's all it is, breathing room.
"Is there any advice you'd give me to keep me healthy, and help me with my schedule?"
"Eat plenty of food, exercise regularly but not excessively, and get plenty of rest. You're doing incredibly well with your recovery. However, even though I'm aware that you have a healthy appetite and the ability to keep the food down, you're still not eating enough when left unsupervised. As for exercise, I think we'll see soon how you do with that. Just don't push yourself."
"I'll do my best Healer Yumi."
The look she gave me when I said that was a mixture of hope and doubt. The doubt is probably directed toward me, but I wish people would believe me when I say things like that. No one seems to think that what happened isn't completely my fault, and I can't exactly mention the why and how about it all. I know that I bear some responsibility for it, but it's frustrating not being able to explain myself. At least Venna appears to see something else behind the events, but she and her parents might be the only people in this whole manor that believe that. I can only hope that, at a minimum, my food budget will stay the same after Healer Yumi leaves so I can avoid something like this happening again.
"I'm sure that Lady Rhyvenna will be here shortly, so I'll keep your exercises today to only the stretches as you'll be walking. If you feel any pain or discomfort while you are out, please immediately tell Lady Rhyvenna and she'll escort you back to the manor."
"I will Healer Yumi."
"Good, now have a good time. I'll be taking a much-needed break today, so I'll leave your care in the hands of Lizabeth for the remainder of it."
Not long after we finished our stretches a knock came at the door.
"Who is it?"
"It's Lady Rhyvenna, m'lady. She's here to take you on your walk."
"Thank you Lizabeth, please allow her in."
Thanks to having eaten my breakfast under the strict gaze of Healer Yumi and being dressed to complete my exercises, I'm ready to go. Venna entered the room with her usual amount of energy. That is to say, she's positively bouncing.
"How are you today Mari? I know I already received permission, but are you allowed to go?"
"I'm right here Lady Rhyvenna, you could just ask me directly."
"I'm sorry Healer Yumi! Is she allowed?"
"Of course, now I'll get out of your hair. Have a good day Lady Marisilea and remember what I told you about feeling pain or discomfort."
"I'll be sure to let Venna know right away."
Sending her off, Venna and I begin to make our way towards the north gardens. We're not unaccompanied though, as we're followed by Lizabeth, my new 'maid' Rebecca, and of course two knights from Feyris to protect Venna.
Once we arrived at the gardens though, Venna and I managed to convince our menagerie that we don't need them so close. She directed them to a far enough distance away that we wouldn't be overheard or have our smaller gestures seen.
"Now that we have some privacy, what happened prior to your Ceremony?"
This… isn't what I was hoping to talk about. As much as I'd like to explain it to her, I know that if I do she'll just pity me. My circumstances can't be changed until I turn 16 and am given the opportunity to leave for a bit. If I show my father that I can achieve great things outside of the family, he might not look at me as just a firstborn daughter. I won't be able to stay in the household, but if I can do enough to make him proud, then I will have succeeded.
On top of that, I can't guarantee that Venna won't act rashly and try to make something happen, which could make my circumstances worse before I leave here. I only just showed my potential as a ninth circle mage, which means my father has reason to care, and even if he doesn't I will have the protection of the Kingdom when I turn 20. Until then I'll be kept safe by my family. Unless I marry of course, but father probably won't push for me to marry due to my potential and value to the Kingdom.
"I wasn't eating enough every day, and I pushed myself too hard to meet expectations, so I was malnourished. I wanted to be perfect for my parents, and my appearance was a part of that. It would be poor manners to show myself if I were overweight at the Ceremony, so I made the mistake of allowing the restriction of my diet. I won't do it again."
The look she gave me hurt. It hurt me so much. To see her faith in me fall a bit and her expression turn to one of frustration. But I can't tell the complete truth. I know she won't be able to help me, not yet at least. She and her family might even make it worse if they act now. I also want to make my life better on my own. How can I stand beside anyone as an equal if I act as someone pathetic who cries to every person that asks me how I'm doing? Lizabeth always told me that to make something of yourself, you have to climb up on your own and stand proudly in front of those that doubt you.
"There was no other reason?"
"I'm sure the stress of everything also contributed to my condition, but my poor diet was probably the only direct cause."
"Mari, you're talking around the question. I was asking about what happened to cause the restrictions on your diet, not why you allowed it. I recognize that you don't want to tell me the truth though, so I'll drop it."
How? How did she catch that? I thought she was a little naïve when it came to the subtlety of court discussions. She looks upset with me, and she sighed just now too. Am I going to lose my only friend because of this? I don't want that. I really don't want that. Please tell me I can fix this, so that I won't be useless to someone else. I'm terrified of losing her, but I'm also terrified of telling the truth.
My chest started tightening and my breath became more difficult to take in. I tried to breathe faster to pull in more air, but it only made it worse. There was a coldness in my fingertips, then the familiar fading of the edges of my vision.
I can't lose my composure now. Not now. Not in front of Venna.
I tried to focus on meditating, changing my breathing and closing my eyes to look inward. Slowly I could feel the tightness of my chest loosen, and the numbness of my fingers faded. Opening my eyes, my vision had also returned to normal. Turning to look at Venna, I was shocked by what I saw.
She had a tear running down her face, her eyes were red, and she was looking at me with concern. The only other person who's ever seen me like this and showed care was Lizabeth, but I've never seen a look like this on her face.
"Mari, don't… Don't try to think about what I just said. If you can't talk about it, don't talk about it. I'm not trying to pressure you and I'm not mad at you, but at myself. I want you to trust me, and I didn't consider that we haven't been together long enough for that to be easy for you. I'll work harder at it. Just, whatever you're going through, know that I'm on your side."
The relief washed over me like a tidal wave. I'm so scared to lose her, to discover I'm not capable of finding or holding on to people who will see me for who I am. When I finally realized it, I leaned into her a bit, and let out a deep sigh. I kept my head down so she couldn't see my face when I was speaking. I had to get at least some semblance of my dignity back.
"I'm glad to have someone, and I'll talk about it eventually. I promise."
I mean it, I will tell her. I don't think poorly of my father as I know that he probably thought that what he was doing was necessary. I'm a firstborn daughter, my very existence will bring calamity to the Arkesh household. The fact that I'm alive and still under his protection tells me that he cares enough to provide that much. It's more than I've heard some firstborn daughters receive. I know that Baron Treske expelled his firstborn daughter when she was just two years old. I don't think living outside of the Duke's house would be bad, but I don't want to leave before repaying what I've been given. I owe that much to my family.
"Can we talk about something else? I had a question to ask you too."
"Of course, I'll answer everything I can."
"What happened during my Ceremony?"
She seemed to be a bit tense, and then she took a subtle glance at the people following us.
"Technically I'm not allowed to talk about it by order of your King. But he's not my King, so…
"My dad made that circle you saw using the magic of the Golden Tree that's bestowed upon any Elf that has communed with her. No one other than someone of Elven lineage who has done so can see our magic. Casting magic during someone's Ceremony is considered an act of aggression, and because of your status, despite being a firstborn daughter… "She seemed to spit out the words as if disgusted by the title, not me. "…. and to protect the relationship between our countries, we were told that no one was to hear about the truth of things, or it could start a war. Dad knew the risk going in, so he had a story prepared in case things went wrong and he wasn't worried. But concessions still had to be made."
"Why did he cast the magic? What was the purpose of his circle, and why could I see it?"
"I'm sure you've already figured out the last question. You could see it because you might be able to commune with Laurelin. The reason he cast it is a bit more complicated, but you deserve to know the truth. For any Elf to commune with Laurelin we have to do a Ceremony similar to the Magi Circle Ceremony, with the key difference being that someone has to use the magic of Laurelin to create the outer circle you saw during your Ceremony."
"So it was done to help me commune with Laurelin?"
"Yes. Mom and dad hoped that you had the potential to do so because you have an Elven ancestor from your mother's side. It's why we're here actually."
"Is my Mother Tree Laurelin? I've been talking to her since before the Ceremony though."
"We don't think she's Laurelin. Do you remember when I told you there's two trees?"
I had to think about it for a bit. The conversations about the trees were some of my favorites, but the focus of them was on Laurelin.
"Yes, Telperion or the Silver Tree right?"
Suddenly it dawned on me. The silver magic that mixed with the gold and white, the silver and white flowers on her branches, and the fact that she only borrowed the golden magic to speak. My Mother Tree was Telperion, the Silver Tree.
"It seems you've realized, and this also shows that what my parents' thought was a possibility might actually be true. We think she's Telperion too of course. We have no proof as we can't commune with her, but all the signs point to that. What that means is something we can't talk about yet."
"I understand that part, but no one is supposed to know about the golden magic and my ability to speak to the Trees. So what was the something that went wrong?"
"No one actually knows how it happened, but…"
She explained to me the events of that night from her perspective, and from the perspective of my father and the King. Apparently the magic from Mage Reginald immediately fed into the circles that were engraved with no moment of delay, instead of taking the ten minutes or more it should take for the circles to discover my potential. Everyone was expecting one or two circles at most because of the speed. Instead nothing happened at first, and then people started to whisper about the 'curse of the firstborn daughter'. Venna seemed pretty mad when she brought that up.
Then my circles started being drawn slowly, too slowly to be natural. Venna and her parents said they could see the magic coming from me and drawing the circles, but that the King and my father could only see the circles appearing on their own. That's when her dad suspected that the magic they saw wasn't the standard magic used by all races, but possibly the magic of Telperion since the silver glow might be easily mistaken for the glow of regular magic. Luckily her dad didn't bring up my magic drawing the circles first as he waited to hear what everyone else saw.
She said it took over an hour for my last circle to close, but it felt like an eternity to her. She seemed to hesitate a bit after finishing but didn't continue.
"That's about what happened to me. I was told by my Mother Tree to draw my own circles, and it took a while to finish. I guess that sharp stab I felt near the end was when your dad tried to stop me."
Venna chuckled a bit, and then reached out to grab my hand.
"Your name for Telperion is cute, and appropriate. You'll have to tell me more about her as I've only ever known Laurelin. But that'll have to wait as I think everyone is getting suspicious of our conversation. Sadly we'll have to let them get closer."
"That's fine with me, I think I've finally got an explanation for everything that's been bothering me."
Venna gently rubbed her thumb against the back of my hand to comfort me again.
I'm really going to miss this when she leaves.
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
EmpathicWan
EmpathicWan Here. We. Go! This chapter is more Mari and Venna, but it's got some heavier subject matter in it.
If you haven't already figured it out, Mari has Anxiety, and the capital A is deliberate here. It would be difficult to live like Mari has and not develop some psychological problems.
I'd just like to say, that if you have similar symptoms and you find yourself struggling, it's natural. You're not alone. You can seek professional help and you shouldn't be ashamed. While meditation can sometimes help some people, it's not a miracle remedy like it is for Mari right now, and keep in mind she has a magical tree to help her too. A lot of people need more help than just the advice of "go outside", "meditate", or "exercise." Mental Health Disorders aren't all the same, and treatments are not a "one size fits all" scenario.
Now on to the lighter topics! I was thinking of doing a time skip soon (and maybe another later), but I usually don't like huge time skips, so it will probably be to 16. The second time skip should be obvious, but that will happen a bit later.
I'm also considering doing some other story elements, but there's one cliche in particular that I want to happen, but also want to avoid narratively. We'll see how that goes.
Let me know what everyone thinks of a time skip!
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