Chapter 49: Her Relationships
I spent the remainder of my time during the break playing with Noah and speaking to my mother. My father was still busy with his work but he made time to have meals with us, despite how uncomfortable he was.
Venna left to see her own family. Her travel would take a while and she had to take a bit of leave before the semester ended but it wasn't anything serious. I just understood that she wouldn't be around during this time. I couldn't predict how that would affect me however.
Venna's absence made my heart ache, causing me to realize that I had become a bit dependent on her presence while I was in school. This is the first time in almost a year that we had been separated without the ability to exchange letters daily. Our letter exchanges returned to the same interval that we had before she started attending the Academy for her first year. I should have been satisfied but every day between them caused me stress.
I was beginning to think that my behavior resembled Lizabeth's. That unnatural feeling of fear that I won't be the person she contacts next was overwhelming and it terrified me. That fear of being like Lizabeth started to cause hallucinations again and I had to try desperately to control myself. The hallucinations weren't as severe as they were in the past but I told myself that I had to manage it on my own.
With time and effort I eventually got things under control without the help of anyone else, but I knew this couldn't continue.
Before the break ended my father came to me with a possibility that could help me sort out my feelings. It was a conversation I knew was going to happen soon, but one that I was still dreading.
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"Marisilea, I need to address something important before you return to the Academy as your actions from here forward will have repercussions."
"Of course father, if there is something I need to be cautious about I will absolutely be diligent."
"We need to talk about Young Master Corin Falden specifically. There are rumors about your relationship circulating in the Academy and they've even begun to reach some of the lower nobles related to the Duchy. Are you interested in him? I want to honor your feelings and let you meet someone you care for and not force you into a political marriage."
He was expressing himself clearly but I caught a subtle undertone of concern in his voice.
"I'm not interested in him romantically father. He and I have had a few conversations about this and we're both using our relationship as a shield to protect our own interests. We're just friends."
He looked worried still. I saw him take a deep breath and then look at me seriously before he continued.
"I'll be honest with you Marisilea, I'm facing pressure to have you get engaged to the Young Master of Falden. From the King. With the rumors circulating about your positive interactions that pressure has become more difficult to ignore."
I looked at him and realized from his demeanor that he didn't want to put this burden on my shoulders. I might not like him but I was slowly gaining a growing respect for how he handled matters related to the Duchy.
"I don't want to marry him but I also don't want to damage my friendship with him. I suspect if I want to keep the pressure off of you I'd have to distance myself."
"Under normal circumstances that would be necessary, however I can shield you from the King's orders, at least until the end of your time at the Academy. I'll ultimately leave the choice in your hands."
This was a simple solution given my own feelings but there were things I wanted to sort out first. I'm not brave enough to ask my father about it but I can take advantage of this situation. I also truly didn't want to sacrifice my friendship with Corin for my own personal gains.
"I need some time, during which I'll continue to use the rumors about Corin and my relationship to my advantage. I'll keep things ambiguous enough that it won't cause undue pressure but also not distant enough to cause the King to act. Can you trust me on that father?"
"I will trust your judgement, Marisilea."
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Returning to the Academy meant returning to the days of boredom and annoyance. The admiring and envious gazes of the other students was difficult for me to deal with emotionally. Their gazes became more intense when the first term finals had their results announced. I placed first again, in every category, and the professors who liked me showered me with praise. The ones that didn't begrudgingly admitted that I should be used as an example for other students to set as a goal to overcome.
Controlling my emotions was made more difficult because I had decided to put a little distance between myself and Venna, attempting not to rely on her as much. This decision made it all the more obvious that my feelings might not be healthy, as I struggled to adapt. There was a feeling of inadequacy that accompanied my desire to be with her. With emotions that felt too similar to what I saw with Lizabeth, I felt that I was only tainting my relationship with her.
The singular benefit I gained from this time was that I could explore the idea of what my attraction meant. Was I attracted to women or was it only Venna that I felt this way towards? Did I only have an unhealthy obsession or was that only part of it and I had an actual physical attraction towards her? I could also try to find out more information about relationships between women.
The result of that was a clarity behind all of my emotions and a crushing feeling of hopelessness.
Embarrassingly I sought help from someone who seemed disinterested in romance right now and who wasn't related to anyone around my family or Venna; Corin Falden. He wasn't surprised by my revelation and offered to help me find certain… materials… to test my theory. This resulted in me spending some nights discovering things about myself that shamed me. None of the materials about men were interesting or sparked any desire in me, but things related to women became a secret I kept to myself.
The other discovery that he helped me with was that there was only very little related to women having relationships and even that seemed geared towards entertaining men. Stories that focused more on the exhibition of women for a man's enjoyment. It was this material that bothered me the most. Were women falling in love together that different?
Corin told me that in the history of Lestryal there were no records of women marrying, with some of the laws very specifically mentioning only men and women. We couldn't find any information about it in other countries in the library of the Academy either, only finding fictional materials on the subject. Eventually the librarians had started circulating rumors about us researching 'marriage' and 'love' which furthered the idea that Corin and I would be engaged.
Was I doomed to a life alone or with someone I didn't love?
Corin became a bastion of support for me during this time, and that further reduced my time with Venna and her friends. I still sat with them occasionally during lunch or talked to them after classes, but I reduced my physical intimacy with Venna and kept my expressions of contact to more friendly banter and behaviors. Venna seemed upset at first but eventually she became more accustomed to my new distance and we continued on as best we could.
This didn't reduce my love for her though, I just had to control my dependence. I won't be ashamed of these feelings but I also won't ever try to force them upon her. She will always be the light that shined on me during my most difficult times. I can only hope that if she doesn't feel the same way about me that I will be able to move on and find love somewhere else.
The second term ended in the same way as the first, with my grades remaining at the top and the admiration and envy of other students being directed my way. The break after the second term wouldn't be as long and there would be social events that the nobles of Lestryal would be required to attend. This made making time for my family more difficult.
Venna was also staying back this time as her parents would have her attend one of the main balls as a foreign ambassador. Her responsibilities as she got older would increase and this would be one of the more important times for her as well.
I received a few invitations to tea parties, some of which I wouldn't be able to turn down. Thankfully one was to my cousin Florence's home. Despite the fact that I wasn't required to attend that one I accepted it happily.
Florence had stayed in contact with Venna and me throughout our time at the Academy. Though her letters were infrequent and I didn't always have the time to quickly reply we managed to build a friendship over time. It was nice to have a bridge between Venna and myself.
What caught me off guard was Rebecca's behavior after I accepted the invitation. She seemed more excited to see Florence than I thought was reasonable. Maybe they had formed a bond while she was her Lady's Maid.
The day of the tea party came and I had entered the carriage when I finally spoke to Rebecca about her behavior.
"So why are you so excited to see Florence?"
Her face turned pale and she looked at me in shock. Maybe she hadn't expected me to notice but I can't imagine why it would matter.
"Is it really obvious m'lady?"
"Yes, you've been asking me questions about what I'll wear and about the topics I might discuss, sometimes even forgetting what I've already told you."
"Oh. I… Uh… Well, Young Lady Brighton and I developed similar hobbies, mostly related to novels and needlework. We talked a lot about our favorite books and such, but our contact had to stop after I came here. There's not much reason for a maid to reach out to a noble lady when they leave their manor."
"I haven't had much time to get to know Florence but she doesn't seem like the type of person to care about the status of someone when she enjoys their conversations. Besides, she asked about you during my birthday celebration and she still sometimes talks about you in our letters."
I wish I had told Rebecca about that at the time now as she seemed happy but also a little reluctant with my mention of that.
"She did? I'm glad that she was thinking of me even now. It's been years since we've spoken and I enjoyed the time we talked."
Rebecca frowned and there seemed to be some lingering regret in her eyes, maybe some self-blame as well. I couldn't tell exactly what she felt about everything. I could tell she wanted to continue speaking.
"Don't worry about offending me Rebecca, I'll listen to you without judgment."
She breathed a sigh of relief before continuing.
"I don't think Florence is the type of person to care about social status when talking either, I just don't want to overstep my bounds and harm her reputation. Also… when I left it was very abrupt and I never told her why, I fear she might be upset with me."
"That's not the impression I got when we've talked about you. She seemed happy to know you're doing well and sometimes inquired about your recent activities."
"Thank you for reassuring me, m'lady. If you would deign to allow it I'd like to ask if you could see if Young Lady Brighton would like to stay in touch with me personally."
"I can easily do that for you Rebecca. Would you like me to make some time for you to talk to her yourself at the tea party?"
"No, m'lady, that would be too presumptuous of me."
"Don't worry about it Rebecca, it should be fine."
She looked worried anyway. Maybe I would have someone to tease for once.
I can only hope the tea party will be quiet and I can enjoy myself.
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
EmpathicWan
EmpathicWan Another short one, for two reasons. The first is that I took a long break and I wanted to get something out even if I had to break things apart a little unnaturally.
The second reason is that I wrote too much and if I kept it to one chapter it would just be ridiculous. So I broke it into two.
Now, on to the elephant in the room.
I had always planned for Mari to address her emotions in this way and I had planted hints throughout the story that it might be coming. And this chapter is almost exactly where I planned to address some of that.
However a very astute reader noticed the behaviors early and mentioned some things so as I was writing I felt like I was rushing things to specifically answer them. It took me some time and editing to clean this up to the point where I was happy and I found myself writing a lot more than I intended.
But that's a good thing! I like my readers peeking into things and forming their own opinions. As a writer though I fear that people might think they're influencing me to change the story and I want to address that. I will always take constructive criticism and try to improve but I will do my best not to compromise the story I want to tell. I appreciate everything everyone says and I don't want to discourage any comments.
And that's it! Thank you for reading and hopefully I'll have another chapter out tomorrow.
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