Chapter 5: Reason for Rationality
Time passed.
Edwin just turned 16 years old. After that incident, anyone could see he had become even more reserved than he actually was. Creating a circle for himself, only doing what's necessary and speaking when needed to.
His parents noticed this only at a later time. At first, they just thought it was a phase in his growth, then they realized that he was getting more reserved. They tried to push him to be more jovial and asked him to spend time with his friends, hanging out, having a sleep-over.
But alas, it all fell on deaf ears. It isn't like he became like a robot. No, he still has friends, hangs out with them, makes jokes, laughs and plays with Mayuri. Hell, he even got a girlfriend in between.
But something about him that seemed unsettling to them. It seemed he became too lazy to hang out at the beginning, but seeing him all excited when with his girlfriend and some other friends, they thought maybe that was not the case.
One day, they heard from him that they broke up one day. When asked the reason, he just plainly stated that her family was moving to a different town. He is obviously sad about it, but not that sad. At least, it's not something one would expect from a boy who was separated from his first serious girlfriend.
His parents tried to console him, giving him a shoulder to lay on. But they could only see him displaying a facade instead of his true emotions. Still, for them, it just seemed like he was trying to act tough.
...
<Edwin's POV>
It's been a year since that incident happened. I should say time really is insanely powerful for dealing with emotions. Though I couldn't forget or forgive them, it doesn't feel that bad anymore. It happened within a week.
My desire did not waver but the other insane thoughts about me trying to take revenge or accusing them of something that would ruin their career or life had wavered a lot.
Yes, I really planned on doing one of those at least one of them, but with time I just left it aside.
'It just isn't worth it, they aren't worth it'
...
One rainy morning. Nowadays, Maya drives him to school since she started working too. He entered his empty classroom and placed his bag on the desk.
As always, he is early. He got near the window looking outside where the rain seemed to have subsided.
'Hm, rainy season and an empty classroom. Sure looks like something out of a crime documentary.'
Suddenly, he heard the door opening abruptly. His heart churned.
'Sorry, I was just kidding.'
Looking back, he saw a blonde girl wearing a sweat shirt atop her uniform, slightly chubby but good-looking entering. Her name is Clara, the class representative.
She smiled at him, to which Edward smiled back and said,
"Hi"
"You're early as usual"
After a short conversation about classes and homework, they both became silent.
"Zzzz" the rain which had subsided earlier seemed to have started pouring down again.
Breaking the awkward silence was Clara, who called out to him while fidgeting her fingers,
"Ed"
"Mm"
"Um, I've been meaning to ask you this... Um..for a while now actually..."
She didn't even need to say, Edwin clearly knew about her feelings for him. Though he wasn't completely certain, he was well aware that she might like him. First, Clara wasn't supposed to come this early every day. Her home is actually near the school. Second, he noticed her arriving early after some days of him starting to arrive early. She just shrugged it off as a coincidence, but would Edwin fall for it?
"Clara, I too have something to ask you.."
"Ah? What is it?" Clara responded in a confused voice as he stopped her in between her sentences, which was unlike him.
"It's just, do you wanna, No.. Would you like to go on a date with me?"
"..."
Clara was shocked. It was exactly what she was about to ask him. She was hesitating out of her fear of rejection. She didn't expect him to ask it outright. It took a while for her to calm her heart, which was racing at his sudden question. Taking a deep breath, she answered
"haa... Yes, I would love to."
From then on, Clara and Edwin became a couple, for a while.
'haa, it would've been difficult if she had rejected me.'
...
Clara's favorability towards Edward increased into that of love, slowly over those years when they were friends. Whereas Edwin didn't dislike Clara, if anything, he had a soft corner for her. But, the reason he accepted her feelings was not because of that, rather to understand himself, his changes better.
Around half a year back, Mark got in an accident and had to undergo surgery on his back and leg. God forbid, the surgery went well, and his father was discharged after a few weeks.
After around a week, when Maya was talking to the relatives, what happened and how frightened she was. Edwin, who was also there, suddenly felt odd. Whatever his mother is saying isn't an exaggeration. Anyone in that situation will be utterly terrified over the thought of their loved one being taken away.
'Thinking back now, I was afraid and scared. But was I terrified like mom?'
Edwin realized he had calmed down way too fast for someone whose father was caught in an accident. It wasn't that he didn't feel anything, but rather he felt the emotion to be lacking, he felt he had adapted way too fast to that situation.
'Not the first time, even when Mayuri passed away, I... adapted to it pretty fast.'
'Was it normal? Was it just me being rational about it?'
Edwin left them and went to his room, contemplating the question he had.
'What does being rational mean? Making the right decisions at the right time.'
'Then why would someone always try to be rational? If they're afraid of sudden changes which might catch them unprepared or if they're afraid of making any mistakes itself.'
'Then what would they do to avoid being caught unprepared or to avoid mistakes? They would always expect the worst things to happen at the worst times.'
'Then, is it the reason?'
After coming up with this theory, he decided to be more vigilant towards his feelings and emotions. If possible, he wanted to check just what it is that made him be more like that.
...
Back to the present.
I decided to try it by putting myself in various scenarios, and it's one of the things I decided. To involve myself in a relationship, I'm not going to use Clara as a lab rat, I would be a good boyfriend to her, but I also feel distaste towards myself for not telling her any of this but just mentioning I want to date her.
I wish I could tell her, but if I did, knowing her, she'd definitely tell my parents. Looking at what they're going through both financially and emotionally, I don't want to put any more burden on them.
'This is almost the same feeling, almost. The feeling of having a complete grasp and understanding of what I do, did, could've done. I look at them objectively rather than emotionally when I make these decisions, even when I know these are wrong by my moral compass.'
I tried to look into my life to have a deeper understanding. But what I caught aren't enough to prove, or rather, I'm not qualified enough to make something out of them.
'If anything, I'm not apathetic or indifferent towards them , my bonding remains the same.. Maybe I will understand when I look back to now in the future...'
"Here we are."
When I finished collecting my thoughts, we were already in front of Clara's house. Surprisingly, the date went well (mostly because of Clara) despite my wandering thoughts.
"...."
Clara was looking at him with expectation. He smiled and kissed Clara on her cheeks,
"Goodnight Clara, Have a good sleep. We'll meet again tomorrow."
"Yeah, see you tomorrow." She said as she placed a clumsy kiss on his cheeks in return and turned away in a hurry in an attempt to hide her embarrassment.
Then I walked back to my house while having an inner turmoil formed over my guilt towards Clara.
---
Hello,
The next chapter will be the final chapter as Edwin, before we move into the 'Other world'.
If you like the series so far, add it to your collection or leave behind a comment.
Thanks!
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