I could not feel my body. I can't even move my finger. Watching the blue skies filled with fluffy clouds was probably the last thing i could see before going to what they called The Judgement Hall. I can't hear anything but i could hear someone calling out my name. Every thing seemed muted except a male voice continued to ring inside my ears.
A moment after that i could move my body but it felt different. I felt lightness, more like floating. Maybe this is the truth after death? Being a cloud? A lot of thoughts formed inside my head.
Wait, did i still have a head?
Afterlife was really confusing me. "Fan Zhu Rou..." Again, the same male voice called me but i don't know who it was. I stand up and look around. I saw my own earthly body laying on the ground. I guess i already turned into something called ghost or whatever they call it.
There were a lot of people surrounded my dead body. Some of them have the nerve to look my bloody self and some of them almost shocked to death.
Suddenly the same voice spoke behind my ears, "how it feel to look your own dead body?".
I turned around and found a grown man wearing a white long sleeve with black coat and hat. Judging by the look, i guess he was around 20.
I smiled and answered him, "a little bit creepy".
The man laugh out loud at me. I wonder who he is. Thoughts formed again inside my head,
Is he the grim reaper?
Or the soul taker?
Or the angel to bring me to the heaven?
Or the demon to bring me to the hell?
Because of my curiosity i dared myself to asked him, "Sir, who are you? Why are you here?". The man ignored me and walked towards my dead body. He muttered to himself, "how unfortunate this body is, given by God but bleed instead to die in peace." I kept silence as i listened those words spoken by him. Regrets started to fell upon me. In my whole lifetime, what I hate the most was beeing regretful. It haunted me and i can't help from blaming myself. I keep telling myself that other people did feel regret too but i was a weakling. I was afraid to face anything and decided to commit suicide instead.
"To answer you just now, I am the soul taker. I took soul and bring them to the Judgement Hall. So i'm here to take you there." He explained. "So goodluck".
I smirked at him and spoke, "There's still luck in the afterlife? It better be working"
He bring me to the judgement hall. I'm not sure how did i get there but there's one thing i relized. I don't even move my leg! Well that's good thing but when i rethought back,
did i really still have leg?
Or am i just a light?
Or just a molecule of air?
or a nimbus?
"We're here!", the man suddenly exclaimed. "Wait here until your name called".
I nodded and sit on the waiting section. The man disappeared in the thin air. I've waited for almost an hour until a women called my name. I entered the room that she had lead me to and saw a short man wearing a long sleeve with black pants. They all look exactly like human.
Well, are they were really humans?
I greeted him, "hello sir"
He glance to me with his creepy face. There were so many wrinkles that make me asked myself,
How troublesome are these humans until those wrinkles almost make you look like a sinister creature.
He didn't even smile at me. He directly pointed the chair infront of him. Well,.i guess he told me to sit down so i went to sit on the chair he'd pointed.
He slammed the table. I throwed back, almost make myself fall from the chair upside down. I gulped nervously and spoke, "That was a nice slammed." That was the dumbest thing I've said after i died. Even after leaving my brain back there couldn't erase my stupidity.
"You know how many soul do i need to take care of? If all the humans on earth insisted to commit suicide at the same time it is better for me to incarnate as a cloud instead" the man spoke, fuming with anger. I hold my laugh and thought,
Incarnate as a small little cute cloud!
It's not easy to be a cloud, though.
You need to carry the water and rain it when it's time.
Humans will love you when you covered them from the sun,
And hate you when you wet them with rains.
Human's heart always change.
I take a look around the office. The table were messy and untidy and the office was filled with only papers and files, not even a space left to be seen without any of it. Sitting for whole of his life inside here was a torture. If this man was given a chance to commit suicide, i think he will.
Then the man suddenly spoke, breaking the silence, "If i hadn't commit suicide before..". He stopped. Then continued after a long inhale, "well you better have a good reason to commit a suicide".
This left me questioning a lot. He commit suicide before? As a human or as a thing he live as right now? This afterlife making my brain to work harder than before. Wait, did i still have a brain?
He then gave me a form which i need to answer each one of the questions given. It ask about what the main reason for me to commit suicide, why did i wanted to commit suicide, how did i commit suicide, when did i commit suicide and other questions i couldn't remembered. Who memorized the whole questions after an exam right? I answered all the questions and hand it over to him. It took 10 minutes to finish it.
After that, i waited on the waiting section again. There were a lot of other soul who commit suicide too. Mostly of them were age 20 to 30 years old and there's a few around my age. I approached to a teenage boy who was sitting just right infront of me. I greeted him, "hello there".
He glance and wave at me, not a word spoken. I sat beside him and it went silence for a couple of minutes. Then i tried to start a conversation again by asking him, "what's your name?". Without hesitation, he just answered me, "Feng Qi".
I became energetic, felt like i was alive once again. It was the first time i talk to someone since the last time i could still talk to people. I cheerfully told him my name, "Well, I'm Zhu Rou".
It went unsmoothly and again, we went silence. He was probably an introvert and there's a lot of logical reasons for an introvert to commit suicide.
Unexpectedly, He asked me a question, "Well, how did you commit suicide?". I change my gaze to him and stared him with my sparkling eyes. I answered him jubilantly, "i jumped from my school's rooftop! I know it sounded passè but i can't figure out what building i could enter to the rooftop. Ofcourse my school's rooftop was the best option i had." He just nodded and continue to look at his feet. Sometimes i wonder how hard is it talk to an introvert until now. I was curious about the reason he gave up his life so I can't help myself than to ask him about it , "well, how about you?".
He remain silent for a minute. I thought that was a sensitive issue for him but he dared to ask that question to me so what could possibly went wrong.
Then he started to utter with his weak voice, "mine was safest than yours. I drugged and drowned myself. I was afraid if i can't die without suffering. Brave of you to used such uncanny method."
I was startled with terror. That was a smart way of thinking. He was indeed a brilliant to use drugs before committing suicide to prevent suffering and there goes me who just jumped from the rooftop. I explained to him, "I'm not brave. It's just the problem i have was way much bigger than my fear. To tell you the truth, the second i landed on earth, i couldn't feel anything. It was like i felt no pain at all. "
Feng Qi glance at me with his sullen face. My sincere smile turned into an awkward expression and it caused me tight-lipped. He don't even smile at me. What happened? Did his mouth muscle were broken after drowning?
I glance to somewhere else and he started to speak again, "the last thing i thought the moment my life ended was my childhood. Freely and happy to play around. No worries to keep deep down inside my heart. No feelings to care of because who ever sees me will surely love to touch my chubby cheek. They'll give me a lot of sweets. But as i aged, it changed. I don't received sweets anymore and the life gave nothing other than bitterness."
He look downcast and pale. He inhale deeply and asked, "you're a sweet person and love to talk. You dared to jump from the rooftop without fear, your problem must have been unsolvable. Why should you gave up your life?".
I left speechless because he figured out just like that! He must be a top student in his school.
I answered him quickly, "sometimes i wonder why did people commit suicide. Now i know the truth. The problem they faced was hardly to be solve and they can't hold it longer so they ran from it by suiciding. I wasn't running from it. I just wanted to leave the world. The world where no one ever wanted me to exist."
He was all ears listening what i've uttered.
"Li Feng Qi" a women suddenly yelled. He stand up and wave a goodbye, leaving me alone again. I wonder why it took so long for them to call out my name. This made me thought to myself,
Is it because i died without a suicidal reason?
But i have a suicidal reason.
Or it was unreasonable at all?
Does suicide need a strong reason?
"Fan Zhu Rou" A loud voice awaken me. I jumped onto my feet and look for who've called for me. My gaze traveled around the hall and stopped when i saw a women staring at me. I walk to her and asked, "did you just called me?" She nodded expressionless and escorted me to the other hall. There, i saw two big doors with a lot of soul lined up for each. The first door named "The Blue Skies Filled With Clouds" and the other door named "The Blue Oceans Filled With Life". Thoughts formed massively inside my head,
I wonder where each door lead to..
I wonder which door will i enter..
And why is it a piece of paper can judge me to where should i enter...
The women brought me to another room filled with files and papers. This time, the office was bigger than the office inside the judgement hall. A lot of shelf lined up, leaving a small space for the worker to do his work. I pity for the people who need to face all these things for whole their life. And i wonder if they work in shift. Did they even eat? What did they eat? Where they live? It were getting more and more complicated. I sat on the waiting chair near the door. The women greeted him, "Sir, here the another weird soul" and she went out from the office. I stare the women irritatedly as she walk out from the room. How come she could say thoose word. A weird soul? Good for me than to work here with these papers.
The man stood and this time i could see him clearly. He wore the same uniform as the previous man i've met on the judgment section. He look at me then smiled. I smiled back awkwardly. He walked to the shelfs and disappeared into the darkness.
After a moment, he came out with a file. A dusty old file. He open it and took a piece of paper inside it. He told me to sit infront of him and gave me the paper he was just taken from the file. It was written with;
The living died for a reason:
To end the suffering,
To end the pain,
To end the problem,
To end the sadness,
To end everything.
But one's who died without a reason should be called someone who never live.
The Almighty is the kindest. Thus a second chance exist.
There will be a lost soul who does not have reason to die but decided to end it's life and it's impossible for not having a reason to die unless dying was just a way to create a reason to live.
As i read those written words, i became more confused. The man suddenly spoke, "well young women, you know what it meant?".
I sighed and answered him, "exactly, none of the words written was understandable for me."
The man smiled and take the paper from my hand. He read it out loud for me. He might think that i could understand them if he did that but actually nothing change.
He then uttered again, "Fan Zhu Rou, I think you've saw the two large doors before coming here right? Guess which door will you enter?".
I took a moment to think then i answered confidently, "i think the blue skies.. something..i forgot what it is but i'm sure it got skies written on top of the door."
The man laugh aloud and spoke jubilantly, "none of them you'll enter!" I was wide-eyed and speechless. What kind of nonesense he was talking about. The man spoke again, "Calm down, calm down. Don't worry. There's another door you've not seen yet."
My tight face loosen after hearing what he had uttered. Atleast I'll enter a door and not meant to stay here. I'd rather die once more than to work with these papers and files.
"You will enter a different door instead. Don't worry, that door lead to somewhere neither dangerous nor safe. The place where you'll find the truth and the reasons." He explained to me.
I frowned. Thoughts started to filled my head. What door is it? Where will it lead me to? Why did i need to enter it?
Then, another man came in and brought me to the other hall. As soon as we arrived, i saw nothing except another big door. The hall was emptied. No one was there, not even a single soul to be seen. On top of it the door was written "A Dream Within A Dream." I glance to the man who escorted me. He drawed a creepy smile and uttered, "You just need to enter the door and you'll reach your destiny". I gulped nervously, fear fell upon me. I walk slowly towards the door. My hand shaked as i hold the doorknob and I opened it slowly. Suprisingly, all i can see was a white vision. White like a paper. Nothing was inside there except a clear white dimension. I am not sure what exactly it is until i entered it.
As soon as I entered it , I felt there was no ground to step on, so I fall into it. I keep falling and falling but it seemed endless. I don't know if I actually falling or floating. I look up above me and there's no ceiling. I look down on my feet and there's no ground. I look around me and nothing except a white space. As i keep falling, the dimension became darker and darker. Until it reached at certain point where it turned completely dark. I can't see anything except darkness and it make me think if it was the white dimension became black dimension or it's just me who fall asleep? I don't know which one was reality and a dream.
The moment i open my eyes, i saw a wood ceiling. Everyone that i don't know surrounded me. I thought to myself,
Am i brought back to life?
Why are these people surrounded me...
Wait, is this my own funeral?
Am i going to be burried?
Oh no! Oh no!
I became panicked so i tried to yell but i couldn't. I felt weird as i can't stand up or even speak. It was not because I had became paralyze but because I don't know how to stand up! how come? I wanted to speak out but i cried instead. And it's a loud cry. A women then took me and hold me into her arms.
This time I've figured out why. It was because i had reborn as a baby! I don't know how to speak, stand amd even walk! I need to restart from the beginning! And it became more weirder when I actually can think as a grown up. I figured out that I had reborn as a baby but my brain remain the same. My memories kept inside my head and I've memorized them clearly. It was a good thing, though. I became the smartest baby in the world. The only thing that gave me nightmare was the time where the baby needs her milk! I felt hungry but I can't eat neither rice nor meat. All i can have was the milk from the one who gave birth for me!