50% A Grain of Lucid Existence / Chapter 1: Wandering

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A Grain of Lucid Existence original

A Grain of Lucid Existence

Author: ThingOfRegret

© Webnovel

Chapter 1: Wandering

In one moment to the next, I existed. I suddenly was, and that is a very odd feeling indeed. I feel that this is not the first that I have been present in the world. I can feel a fog swirl around my mind as I begin to get used to being consous. I can recall certain things like language, but not all that much else.

I start to seek the meaning in world around me. The fog in my mind quickly becomes my focus. A feeling separated from logic makes me certain now, that I have once existed and the the fog in my mind is the key .

As I try to delve into to and learn it's secrets it quickly spirits away. Each time slipping though my grasp without fail. To harder I try, the quicker it slips away. It makes me want to scream in frusturation. It's presence is a constant reminder that all I wish to know is so close, yet unreachable.

like a man drowning in a cage just below the surface of the water. So close yet so far. It's maddening. I realize all my effort will only end in vain. Somewhat regretfully I turn my attention to the world around me. It is quite an active place. Many things float though the air and disassemble into many particles before reforming into another shape. Some things hold their from longer than others, will some never really have one at all.

'What a messy world' i thought to myself. A curious thought indeed, considering I don't remember the world I came from. The only thing that doesn't change its shape is the ground I walk on. However it doesn't seem to be exempt from sudden changes of color and texture. The texture part is quite annoying considering I am bare footed.

In an unfamiliar place with no memories of the past, all you can do is explore. Stressful as my situation is, I see no immediate solution. I walk. As I travel this strange place I see many things. Some perpetually ablaze, others liquid yet appear as if they should be solid.

For as much of everything this place contains, I have but one word to describe it. Emptey.

There is just something missing. Perhaps the comforts of logic and stability. Or maybe its lacking in interaction. I am merely an observer. Nothing comes down to my level, and I'm not sure I'd want to be near it if it did. For as many new sights as there are, I feel like I've seen them all. -----------

I don't know how long I've wandered here. I find thinking of it only drives me deeper into despair. I don't know if this nightmare will ever end. All I can do is walk, there's not much else. I've learned to focus on the rythm of my feet. I walk and walk till I fall. Once I do, for a short while everything goes dark. I've learned to savor any moment that I'm unaware of my "situation".

To my dismay, it takes longer and longer for me to collapse each time. The pain grows greater and greater the longer I walk, but what can it compare to a break from my nightmare. I wonder if I am hated deeply by some powerful being. But such thoughts will get me no where, and each step to sweet release.

With every step I become more sure. It is no longer enough to make me collapse. Deep in the back of my mind I feard this day would come, yet I avoided such thoughts. In a child believe that if I allowed them to exist, then they would come true. It seems reality is not so forgiving.

I soon realize that I have to find new ways to release myself from the shackles of consciousness. If walking was not enough to wear out my body, then I will find a new way. For days I experiment with my body. Soon I learn to use my legs to carry myself and a much quicker pace and to my delight, it wears down my body much more quickly. As I continue I fall into the darkness with a final heavy step.

Unlike previous times where there was just darkness, I find myself in an unfamiliar place. I'm doing just as I did before I passed out... Except the world arround me is completely different. The air has a scent to it, and a strange force rushes by my face the faster I go. Carrying even more of the strange smells. The ground, unlike it's usually ever-changing surface, many small green things stand up twords the sky. The sky, it's a deep blue with many beautiful swirls of white. Tears come to my eyes. It's so beautiful. I continue to race on, untill I inevitably return to reality.

"Running" It's called running, I realize in a daze. Suddenly I shoot up. A little part of the fog had cleared in my mind as I recall the experience while I was unconscious. 'There is way' I thought with pure elation. Finally a ray of hope had entered my life, no matter how small. 'It seems when I do things that pertain to my memories I learn a little bit more about myself'

I can only wonder what the future has in store for me. I try several different motions with my body. Most end up with me unelegantly landing on my bottom. But I won't get discouraged. It was possible. I have to keep reminding myself that. Otherwise I'll end up like before. Emptey inside.

After running and collapsing many times I had yet to experience anything new. Suddenly the blackness wasn't good enough any more. I had find a way to trigger another one. As I have done about a hundred times by now I recall that experience in the other world, searching for clues as to how to unlock another one. No matter how many times I've tried I haven't been able to figure anything out.

Im starting to get desperate. 'No, I have to calm down'. I decide to go for another run. The only memory I have is of running, so it hold a special place in my heart. Whenever I begin to run I calm down and start to think. I recall a force brushing past my face as I ran. Maybe I'll find something similar near one of those floating objects.

Previously I had run into a massive object in the sky, it was glowing red and flickering in all directions. It was so intense that I was affected just by running underneath it. The pain was terrible, but maybe it wasn't for nothing after all.

My chest tightens in anticipation, soon I will come closer to my ultimate goal of learning who I am. As I start to run I start to question my intelligence. It took me quite a long time to figure out something so simple. Suddenly i realize everything I've ever done has been just as simple. I overestimated the complexity of life, assuming its true nature. That's what makes me stupid, I realize.

Armed with this simple yet powerful wisdom, I run. This time I hold on to consousness. I begin to realize how little I do know of the world as I pass by several of the structures in the sky. Each one is unlike the rest in some way, completely unique.

Some are burning perpetually as they reform, some are fire itself in one form or another. Each one has patterns it likes to reform with, for example some like to form completely smooth yet bumpy like a hill, while others form jagged and fearsome edges.

Time is the one thing I fear I have the most of, but I won't waste a second of my journey. My body burns with exhaustion and tears cloud my vision. But the feeling in my chest, the hope drives me on. With each time I push my body past its limit, my mind grows stronger.

My definition of pain is constantly changing. After all this time I finally realize true strength lies in the mind. How far you are willing to push yourself, how much your willing to give to keep going and how much your willing to take before you go down.

But there are limits to the body, I can only run so far before my legs give and I hit the ground one way or another. Unlike my mind I can't just decide how much my body is able to take. It has limits. But I've found its recovery is much faster the closer I am to one of those constantly changing objects. Each one feels like it helps the process along, yet each one feels completely different in the way it does.

I've begun to notice that the strange objects cluster together occasionally depending on their attributes. The fire based ones will gravitate together, the ones with the least stability seem to draw the other ones the fastest. If I can find an incredibly instable object with few elemental attributes or even a weak version of what I desire, maybe I can lure one to me.

Now that I have several things to keep an eye out for I have to slow my pace a bit, make sure I don't miss what could be my only opportunity in a long time. I can only hope that my time is near, and that my work will have been for something.

After many long hours of breaking and healing, my body's has become stronger. So much stronger that it's scaring me. I don't have anything to go on, but such speed can't be natural. In the beginning I only felt myself get lighter as I ran across the ever changing floor. Now it's as if I weigh nothing at all, each step I have to be careful or I might accidentally send myself in a random direction.

Once I almost panicked and kicked against the ground as hard as I could as I fell. My body slid for long time before it came to a stop. I realize now that strength is a force. if it isn't controlled it will only destroy unintentionally. It is a worry as well as a thing of great interest in my long journey.

I suddenly realized what I've been missing. All this time I lacked the ability to reach the formless objects floating above. I've been focusing on finding one near me, rather than taking myself to them. My reliance on chance has finally come to an end, yet I'll never forget the things I learned trying it the way I did.

It's quite fun to see how high I can push myself into the air. Everytime my body is sent upwards I feel like I'm suspended in the sky. At first I felt like I was going to die, but the feeling subsided once I learned how to land

ThingOfRegret ThingOfRegret

My very first work, I hope you can bare with me, the writing will improve as I continue. I usually re write each chapter anyways. Thanks for clicking on my novel, I hope you will like the direction it's heading in.

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