Chapter 2: session 2
1.I'm God
AKPOS: Honey, do you know people consider me as God?
WIFE: (surprised) No dear. Why?
AKPOS: Wherever I go, people always say, "Oh God! You are here again!".
2.Marriage Court
Akpos was charged to court for beating up his wife.
JUDGE: Why did you hit your wife with a CHAIR?
AKPOS: Because I couldn't lift the TABLE.
3.LIE DETECTOR ROBOT
Akpos bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: …
Akpos : Son where were you today during school hours?
SON : At school (robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind) Okay I went to the movies!
Akpos : Which one?
SON : Harry Potter (robot slaps Son again!) Okay I was watching p*rn.
Akpos : What? When I was your age I didn't even know p*rn! (robot slaps Akpos)
MUM : hahahahaha! After all he is your Son! (robot gives Mum a hot slap)
(Akpos fainted)
4.Money Above Life
Akpos had a serious accident with his brand new car. A police officer nearby ran to the scene to help them out."This man's car just hit my car! That car is worth Six million Naira! Now,my car is a total write-off!"The police officer shook his head in amazement and said "You are so materialistic.You didn't even realize that your hand had been cut off". Akpos looked at his bloody arm and screamed "OH MY GOD!!! Where is my gold wristwatch, and my ring!!?"
5.Cells
In a biology class, the teacher asked a question:
TEACHER: Class! What do we find in cells?
AKPOS: Thieves.
6.Mental School
Two mentally disturbed men Akpos and Kwame decided they must go to school. They collected old books and went to sit under the tree pretending it was a school. The following day, Akpos got there early and climbed the tree. As Kwame came and saw his friend on top of the tree he asked, "What are you doing up there?"Akpos replied, "I am now in high school."
7.Pay Attention
TEACHER: Akpos, pay attention to what I'm teaching or get out. Akpos stands up and as he was walking through the door the teacher asked...
TEACHER: Where the hell are you going?
AKPOS: I don't have money for attention sir.
8.Transparent
TEACHER: Akpos, what's the opposite of transparent? AKPOS: Transchildren!
9.Do You Exercise?
DOCTOR: Do you exercise daily to keep healthy? AKPOS: Yes doctor... I play football and tennis daily.
DOCTOR: Good! How long do you play?
AKPOS: I play till the battery on my phone goes down.
10.Stop crying
After a big accident, Sonto was crying "O God! I have lost my left hand?"A
KPOS: Control yourself my friend! Stop crying! See that man he has lost his head, is he crying?
11.Lost In The Woods
Akpos and two of his friends (Kwame and Thambo) are lost in a forest.For weeks, they lived there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one."So Kwame goes first, "I have been stuck here for too long, I miss my family and my wife and my life. I just want to go home."POOF!!! he's gone.Then Thambo makes his wish, "I don't want to die here. I'm so tired of this place! I want to go home too."POOF!!! he's gone.Then Akpos suddenly feeling so lonely said, "I wish my friends were here."
12.Right Answers
Akpos got 0% marks in an exam and was surprised because all his answers were seemingly correct!
The questions and answers below:
Q.1- In which battle did Usman Dan Fodio Die?
Ans.- In his Last Battle.
Q.2- Where was the Declaration of Independence Signed?
Ans.- At the Bottom of the Page.
Q.3- What is the Main Reason for Divorce?
Ans.- Marriage.
Q.4- What day is the Nigeria Independence?
Ans.- Independence Day
Q.5- When was Nelson Mandela Born?
Ans.- On His Birthday.
Q.6- How will you Distribute 8 Mangoes among 6 People?
Ans.- By Preparing Mango Shake!
Do you feel that he was wrongly penalised? Comment Below...
13.River Jordan
Akpos and his wife went to Israel and decided to pick a boat to see the beauty of river Jordan. When Akpos asked the boatman how much it will cost them, he said $500. Akpos shouted, "No wonder Jesus decided to walk on the sea."
14.Smelling Class
Akpos farts (pollutes the air) in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class. The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He asks, "Akpos, what are you doing outside sitting here laughing?"Akpos replies, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out." The Principal asks, "Well then, why are you laughing?" Akpos replies, "Because they are in class taking in the smell while I'm here enjoying the fresh air."
15.Job Problem
Akpos is coming back from work. As he enters the sitting room, his wife asked:
WIFE: Darling! Why are you looking so sad?
AKPOS: Sweetheart, I have a problem at my office.
WIFE: Don't say you have a problem. You should say we have a problem because we are now married.
AKPOS: OK, we have a problem in our office.
WIFE: And what is the problem darling?
AKPOS: Our secretary is pregnant for us.
WIFE: Whaaat!!!The wife fainted!
16.SMS Message
There was a girl Akpos really loved but he never had the guts to tell her how much he loves her. One night, at around 11pm, he summoned some courage and sent her an sms message saying, "I love you so much, I wanna date you. Please reply and tell me how you feel about me." A few seconds later he received a message alert on his phone. He was so scared and too tensed to open it that night, so he decided not to check the reply until the next morning when he will be less tensed. When he woke up the next day, he said his prayers, did his morning chores, brushed his teeth, ate his breakfast, took his bath and combed his hair, then jumped back to his bed and gently picked up his phone to read the message. So he started reading:"Dear customer you have insufficient balance to complete your request. kindly recharge your account and try again. Thank you."
17Predicament
A Nigerian houseboy is mopping the floor and his Oyinbo madam, coming in from the shower, a towel draped around her, slips and falls, her legs flung open."Akpos," she shrieks, "I have warned you over and over not to do this wet mopping. Now, Look at my predicament."To which Akpos, completely confused, goes, "Predicament? Madam, for my place, dem dey call am Toto."
18.Guinness Accident
Adesua is home making dinner as usual, when her husband's friend, Tsbalala arrives at her door. TSBALALA: Adesua, may I come in? I have something to tell you ADESUA: Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tsbabala. But where's my husband? TSBALALA: That's what I'm here to tell you. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery. ADESUA: Oh, God no! Please don't tell me... TSBALALA: Your husband Akpos is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, Adesua looked up at Tsbalala ADESUA: How did it happen, Tsbalala? TSBALALA: It was terrible! He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. ADESUA: Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, did he at least go quickly? TSBALALA: Well, no. ADESUA: No? TSBALALA: Fact is, he got out three times to pee.
19.Stolen Money
A case was reported about some amount of money stolen in Akpos' class. His teacher comes to iron out the issue and the following conversation ensued: TEACHER: Yes, a case was reported to me about a missing sum of money and Ben, you said you saw the thief. When did you discover the money was stolen? BEN: After the assembly.TEACHER: You said you were supervising late students when you saw the suspect. BEN: Yes sir. TEACHER: And when was this? BEN: During assembly. TEACHER: You are sure of who you saw?BEN: Affirmative sir! TEACHER: And who was this?Ben looks around then said, ''It's Akpos sir.'' The whole class belch a yelp. The teacher moves to Akpos TEACHER: Akpos, you were seen with new pairs of socks and a belt. When was that?AKPOS: After the assembly sir. TEACHER: And you were not present during the assembly?AKPOS: Yes sir. TEACHER: That means you were in the class? AKPOS: Affirmative sir! TEACHER: Then who stole the money?Akpos who looked as if he was awaken from a deep trance looks around for a minute and shouts, "Where I'm I?!"
20.Chewing Gum
Akpos had 100 naira and went to a corner shop to buy chewing gum.At the shop, Akpos asks the shop-keeper, "Can I please have a berry chewing gum?"The Shop-Keeper answers, "Sorry sir, chewing gum is 300 naira."Akpos asks, "OK. How much is it if I chew it here inside the shop?"
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