Chapter 33: The Shower
He wished he could see this all the time. The part of his over protective, hot headed, vulgar, crass, tough, cool older brother. With his face resting so peacefully on his arm, snuggling him tightly with their fingers intertwined his dark skin in contrast to his own. Part of him was hanging off the small bed that was made for one. Head turned to face him as loud snores erupted from his mouth. The red mask on his face falling off slightly, having come loose sometime as he slept. He was able to see even in the dark room the bright red streaks across his eyes. The marks left from their mutation, Raph having the very color for which their species was named.
Donnie laid there, watching his brother sleep within the darkness. He looked so tired, so exhausted because of him. There was so much anger and rage in his brother's heart, but it seemed only he could see down to the softer gentler side of him. That Donnie alone could appeal to him, get through to him.
He pressed his forehead lightly to Raphie's. He was grateful he was there with him now. It made him feel safe despite his fears of what was to come. He hadn't said anything to the other, especially to Slash because what if he was wrong? He couldn't bring himself to say it out loud for fear it would come true. There just wasn't enough data and evidence to come to a proper conclusion to his theory and he was far too afraid to test this to know the conclusion.
He shifted in the bed, turning on his side and snuggling close to his brother, holding his hand tighter, grateful that Raphie was a heavy sleeper. Tears slowly ran down his cheeks, his free hand moving to cup his mouth to try and silence the soft cried that tried to escape him. Raphie made him feel safe. He made him feel like he had nothing to fear bur here and now he was consumed by the dread that filled his heart.
"I'm scared…" he said softly to his sleeping brother. His voice so low it was hardly a whisper. He clenched his jaw, lips quivering slightly as he tried to swallow the hard lump in his throat. Wave after wave of emotion hit him, each threatening to be the one that dragged him down to the point where he could no longer control himself. He couldn't let them see this. He couldn't let them know just how bad it was getting. It was his burden to bare, not theirs. He had to handle it. He alone could fix it. There was no other way about it.
An olive hand rested on his belly. Obvious now that he should have noticed it growing in size. Perhaps he did but chose to ignore it. What reason would there be for it but the fact that he was pregnant with the children of his brother's best friend? He gently rubbed his belly, wondering how many there were. If he was right, he hoped there was few. He didn't think he could handle it.
Raphie grunted, shifted position to put his leg back on the bed. He pulled Donnie close, nuzzling into his neck for the warmth. A churred softly, not intentionally as his brother rubbed against him. The red banded turtle took a deep inhale before slowly exhaling, his hot breath ghosting across the skin of his neck making him shudder. Raphie remained asleep, having pulled his brother closer to him.
The pregnant turtle nuzzled back, seeking his brother's warm skin. Though they were cold blooded, Raphie and Mikey were often closer to humans in temperature. He and Leo were on the colder side. Needless to say it was another thing he was grateful for. Yet it did so little to quell the pain that threatened to shatter his very being.
"Raphie…" he spoke with that same soft voice, his eyes looking up at the endless darkness. His head resting on his brother's as each exhaled breath passed across his skin. "It isn't possible." He clenched his jaw…the lump having returned. "I want to be wrong…I want more then anything to be wrong but…" he lowered his head, letting the pain wash over him, the fear slowly eating away at him. "We are too different…biologically…a tortoise and a turtle…" His whole body shivered and his hand tightened protectively around his belly. "…they are not compatible."
~LRDM~
Morning came all too fucking soon when the T-phone went off. Raph wanted to slam the damn thing into the wall but he knew his brother would get all pissy about it. Instead he grumbled, pulled himself from his brother and stretched. Looking down he could see the red marks under his eyes and the wet streaks that ran down his cheeks. He frowned even more when he saw his little brother weakly look up at him.
"Donnie…" he sighed and laid back down, cupping his brother's face. "What's wrong? Talk ta meh." He spoke softly, not wanting to frighten his brother. Leo said he was fragile, that any little thing could cause him to withdraw into himself. A lot of things he did was far from himself, things that scared the shit out of him. It was going to be a long hard road to travel but they all agreed they would do their best to support him.
"I'm fine…" he said softly, closing his eyes to lean into the warm touch. "Just…worried." Donnie's voice was small, hardly a whisper. It was the voice he used a lot, one that showed his troubles.
He rubbed his thumb over the tears that were falling. "Do ya need a sec? I can tell 'em ta fuck off if ya wanna take a minute ta compose yerself." The others would understand fully. There was no doubt if they saw him like this that they too would relax and give him time. If Donnie wanted to talk he would. He cant pry or force him because then Donnie wouldn't ever open up. He would only become more guarded. Leo had made that very clear to them that they needed to respect his boundries.
A small nod as those heavy red eyes closed slowly. He took a few staggered breaths before he opened them again. He wasn't looking at anything in particular, just a dark patch on the wall. He wasn't even seeing it, so lost in his thoughts that his brother let out a heavy sigh. He was frustrated at his lack of response but he knew he understood why. It took a few moments of silence before he sat up in the bed. The heavy round belly making it more difficult than it had to be.
Raph helped him. His brother was growing weaker as the eggs grew within him. It had been a few weeks now. Donnie had no more out bursts, no more episodes as they had been come to be known as. His leg was almost healed and he was able to walk on his own with little support.
Each night he would take his brother up to bed. Each night his brother asked him to stay. A pleading look ever present in his eyes. Raph found it impossible to refuse him. There was a time where the others were jealous, asking why Donnie preferred him over them to sleep with him. Raph offered to let them take him to bed, each one left without being asked. The moment he entered the room he heard the soft plea for him to stay.
"Easy Donnie, I can see ya straining yerself." He helped him to his swollen feet, a side effect of pregnancy his brother had told them. "I think Mikey will have ta giv'em a rub taday." He helped him walk to the door. Regardless of his protests, the youngest had made it his mission to keep their brother comfortable and cozy. Only the best and freshest ingredients, all healthy foods for mother and baby all found on the web and cookbooks.
The younger brother frowned. "He doesn't have to…" he muttered. Eyes looking off to the side as Raph opened the door. "I don't need special treatment." He hated the attention. They were treating him as if he were going to shatter any moment. That the simplest touch was going to cause him to go off the deep end and never come back. He was doing well enough, keeping the episodes at bay. It was becoming easier as time went on. He was even fiding himself laughing more with his brothers. He could see the relief in their eyes, but also the fear that any moment he would become despondent.
"He wants ta take care of ya da only way Mikey knows how. Be lucky he's read'en dem books. I forget sometimes how ya were able to accomplish dat." He chuckled softly, easing his brother through the doorway after him.
Donnie sighed. "It wasn't hard once I figured out he had Dyslexia. He just sees the words differently than we do. It's not all that uncommon." He rambled on about the subject. Focusing on one topic seemed to help him when he wasn't really feeling himself as of late. Only recently he noticed his brothers all to happy to listen to his ramblings on things they could hardly comprehend.
The smell of breakfast hit him like a ton of bricks. He wasn't allowed to skip meals. If he wasn't that hungry he was given some form of nutritious snack to compensate. Coffee was off limits no matter how much he craved the bitter nectar. His brothers had hid the coffee pot, coffee grounds and even the filters from him. No doubt in their father's room.
The past few weeks he had been given simple exercises. Things that would help with his pregnancy that Leo read would be good for him. While his brothers and Slash spared and fought, he was left to stretch and do simple katas. Even if he was exhausted, even if he felt pain in his muscles, he pushed through. Wanting nothing more than to show them he would not let this slow him down.
Even so he could feel them staring at him. He could see they all wanted something more from him but none of them seemed ready to talk about it. Perhaps he could initiate it. Ask them what was on their minds and get to the bottom of it. Maybe then he could get some form of normalcy in the lair again.
He could hear the heavy clacking of Metalhead causing him to roll his eyes. "Mikey, we have been over this, Metalhead is not your toy to fool around with." He feared his brother's doing something that would cause his metal assistant to need repair. Right now he was the only other one in all of NY that could help him finish the Incubator on time for the delivery.
"Dude I didn't do anything, he is acting funky on his own." Mikey set the plate of food on the table in Donnie's usual spot. "He keeps saying father wants to see you."
Well that was new. Their father had been pretty quite the past weeks. Something was weighing on his mind, no doubt about his son being pregnant. It was something they all were still trying to get used to, their father most of all. It seemed the bigger he got the more upset his father was. Meaning the more meetings with Leo he had.
Leo…
His brother was the most courteous and supportive. Always asking how he was, if he needed anything, what can he do, and the like. It seemed as if Leo was going above and beyond to ensure he did not go wanting for anything. If he had a craving, Leo would ensure he had it. Never arguing or judging him. He allowed him to work late into the nights, only standing by the doorway to the Lab with Raph, chatting away about who knows what. Those two were up to something. Yet it was after the talks with their Father that Leo seemed the most upset. As if he was disappointing Splinter. Donnie knew that face and what it meant. He wondered if Leo even knew that. While he and Raph had their therapy sessions as he worked, Leo hardly said much.
Leo sat at the table staring at the two boxes that that April delivered last night. She had said it was something Splinter had wanted. It was one of the rare timed he had seen her since that night she tried to kiss him. Things were awkward when she was there, his brothers seemed to hover around her, almost as if waiting for her to say or do something that they would not agree with. Needless to say it made her feel very unwelcome and so she stayed away for the most part.
"What are those?" he asked sitting beside his brother. He had been told that he needed to stop work a bit early today. At the urgency of his family he had agreed to do so for one day. There was still too much to do and too little time to do it.
The eldest brother looked to him, frowned and shook his head. "No clue. Sensei wanted whatever it is and I guess it's done. April wasn't sure but the lady she went to was a seamstress. Perhaps some kind of Hamato clan tradition." He shrugged. Maybe baby clothes? Not that a turtle needed clothes. Either way, it was sure to be a gift for later when they had the baby shower for Donnie. April, Casey and Mr. O'Neil were getting the last of the supplies needed. Everyone knew but Donnie. He and Raph had been devising the plan while they waited for their brother to call it a night.
"Right." Donnie didn't buy it. Whatever it was and whatever they were planning was going to come out sooner rather than later. Heck Mikey seemed ready to burst from excitement. He couldn't believe he was fidgeting so much. There was something going on, he just couldn't figure out what.
"Dee! Look at your poor feet! They're so swollen, why didn't you listen when I said to elevate them?!" Mikey ran around to his brother as he sat down, looking at his bare feet with tears in his eyes. "It has to hurt bro! I mean seriously! I am going to massage your tooties until you never wanna walk again!" He looked at the pretty purple nail polish he added to his toes. It took forever to convince his moody brother that a full pedi ended with toe polish for a job well done.
He sighed heavily. There was no arguing with any of them. No matter what he did or said they doted on him. The more he wanted them to back off the more they insisted on being near him. When one brother left the room another would enter, ensuring that he wouldn't get hurt or suffer another episode. Needless to say they were all on edge. That book Leo had read bout twenty times by now, warning that if he bottled it up it wouldn't end well. No doubt they feared he would possibly take his own life.
He would be lying if the thought had not crossed his mind again at least once a day. When he could feel his body go numb and the shadows start to whisper in his ears again. Each time it is harder to fight them, harder to resist their tempting calls. Yet, his family called louder. Their needs, their wants, their love…he was able to fight the shadows because they remained so close. Always banishing the demons.
Even more so…he touched his hand to his belly. He carried innocent lives within him. So killing himself would be to kill them and he couldn't do it. No matter how reasonable the voices made their arguments to why he should, he took one look at his belly and they were silenced. They were his. They belonged to the Hamato clan and they belonged to his family.
"Is it me or is Dee glowing more than usual today?" Mikey was on the counter holding his head up in his hands, a big loving smile on his face. "Look at you mommy! Cant wait to see them huh?" he chuckled and looked down at them. He dare not touch the belly, no one did. Slash had gotten too close once while helping and Donnie let out a deep guttural growl at him. When asked he didn't recall making it but everyone had heard it. Only thing Donnie could say was instincts. He had to protect his babies.
Slash smiled, having settled into the family again quite well. He didn't act out as much, even made things easier by helping to carry the heavier things about the lair, such as the heater and generator. Raph was is a better mood now that he had his best friend back. Slash had even assumed the topside missions in Donnie's place. It was bittersweet really. Though they all had said it was only until the eggs were born and Donnie recovered enough to return to duty. Part of him was not so sure.
Their father had been hinting at things. Mostly to Leo when he ventured outside of his room and Dojo. He seemed upset that Leo was taking so long to do something. That there was something that wasn't being told to him. Each time Leo would explain it wasn't the time whatever that meant. What were they hiding from him and why was his father so upset?
Leo smiled and nodded. "You remember that book right? The one on pregnancies? They said pregnant…turtles tend to glow." His smile as not a real one. Something weighed heavy on his mind. "Needless to say, I cant help but feel that Donnie is going to be a great mom." They used the term quite jokingly. It was meant to be endearing and Donnie said he didn't care if he was a mom. He didn't, biology dictated that he was so who was he to argue it?
Splinter made his way to the table, his eyes looking closely at Leo for a long moment before turning away to looking to his pregnant son for but a moment before looking elsewhere. His father didn't really look at him much. It hurt him but Leo explained it reminded him too much of Tang Shen. How most of the freshest memories were of her carrying Miwa. Donnie could not blame him, even if his father could not see him but his late wife. "He is glowing." Was all he said, even a small smile on his face. It made him smile as well, being acknowledged by his father was rare now. He treasured each moment.
"Preparations on the new…" Leo was cut off by Mikey retorting that it was called Lair 2.0. "Preparations on Lair 2.0 are coming along. We have most of I cleaned up and some items in the rooms like beds, desks and chairs from the junkyard. There is still things that need o be done but that would be more for Donnie's expertise." They intentionally left a few things for him, wanting him to feel he contributed to their new home.
Their father stroked his beard in approval. "Once the children are born and Donatello is well, he may go to aid you. For now he is still to remain within the lair under strict watch." It wasn't that they didn't trust him. No one knew when the babies would come. They didn't want him to be alone. "I shall meditate." With that he took his tea pot and cup to head back to the Dojo. Turning for a moment to look at Leo again, shook his head and walk off with the packages in hand.
Leo turned to the others before nodding his head. They all turned to a serious tone, looking at him from where they stood. "Donnie, we need to talk, all of us and I am afraid we can't hold off any longer." He could hear the urgency in his elder brother's voice.
He looked into all of their faces. Each one stern as the others. It made him uneasy. Did they know? Did they suspect? No they couldn't have. He had been careful, Raph was asleep he knew he was asleep. "Okay, what about?" there was an eerie silence that washed over them.
"Best we not talk here bro. Let's move to the lab, more privacy." Mikey bounced his way over, Leo stayed where he was as Raph and Slash helped him from the table.
He didn't argue their help, heck Slash was supporting most of his weight with ease. "Get da door." He heard Raph call when he saw Leo trail the group. He seemed preoccupied watching for their father. It only made Donnie all the more nervous about what was going on.
He was sat down on his work chair. Mikey was sitting on the medical bed, Slash and Raph were leaning against the wall and Leo was standing by the now locked door. His body tensed. The smell of the others was suffocating. He was alone with them, all of them and frankly it terrified him. He didn't let it show though. He remained calm as he waited for them to speak.
It was a tense few moments but soon it was Mikey who broke the silence. "Okay so Donnie, I was thinking about everything…you know…how we wanted you to chose one of us as your mate…that was before you well…got prego." He smiled, clearly he was happy about the aspect of it.
"I will not choose. I don't care what points you want to argue I wont hurt…" he was cut off by Raph patting his shoulder. He didn't care what they were going to say or do he wasn't going to pick any one brother over the other.
"Relax Donnie boy that aint why we're here. We aint gonna force ya ta pick because we all know ya wont." He smiled down at him. "Mikey came up with a good proposal, I think it best ya hear 'em out."
Donnie turned his attention back to his younger brother. "Anyway Dee, I got you! I know you are like the best brother ever so I figured instead of choosing one of us…what if you had all of us." He could see the hope in his eyes along side of the pride. Mikey knew he wasn't the smartest of them but he could see that this made him feel smart. This was his shining moment.
"Mikey makes alotta valid points there Donnie. We aint human 'n our turtle side is more in control." Raph crossed his arms above him. "We sat down 'n talked and come ta a mutual understan'en. We figured dat given ya can give us kids like we always dreamed of, we don't think it right ta let one of us keep ya to ourselves."
He looked at them. Each and every one of them had that same look of hope. That same longing in their eyes that he would agree to this. His eyes looked down as he thought to himself. Trying to make sense of what he was feeling about this. It seemed quite new to him. The prospect of them sharing him.
"We don't want to pressure you Donnie. It's a lot to take in all at once and we really wanted to talk to you sooner but…when is there a good time to bring this up?" Leo rubbed the back of his neck. "We thought about a lot of things. Any kids you have will be all of our responsibility, not just those that are biologically ours. We will help you, take care of you and help to raise the kids. We will limit your pregnancies, each mating season you can mate one of us. When we have our clutch then that will be all we have. After the kids are all born we can use birth control and other things to prevent pregnancies."
"It doesn't work like that." Donnie said softly. All eyes looked to him, he could see how worried they were that he was going to refute it. "Regardless of if I mate or not…I will carry eggs twice a year." Clearly they did not know this.
Slash moved toward him. "How can you be sure?" he asked.
"I cant, just a guess really." He rubbed his arm. "I am…a late bloomer I guess. I only just reached sexual maturity, as you can see." He motioned to his belly. "I ran tests on my blood samples…just before I was taken captive by the Kraang…my estrogen levels were increased. I was already developing the eggs in me…" their eyes bore into him. Burning with desire for him to continue and explain. "It's why I wasn't feeling myself. Why I seemed slower, more tired. If Spike had not…fertilized them…I would lay blank or dud."
"Blank?" Mikey wasn't really following.
Donnie smiled, happy that he could grasp onto something normal. "It means there wouldn't be a baby in it." There was a grunt behind him. "There is a chance that some of the eggs will be blanks."
Raph paced. "So let me get this straight. Female turtles will lay eggs regardless if a male fucks her or not?" the look on his face would be comical if not for the serious nature of the talk.
"Yes. It is the way nature is. Female humans are the same, they bleed once a month and expel their eggs." The look on their faces…perhaps that was too much information. "I will lay these eggs and after a few months will start to develop more."
There was a look of sadness in Leo's eyes. If this was what his brother had to go through…he would need the support of the others. There was no doubt that it best that they convince him to accept this relationship. No one could do this alone. "We want to try and make you happy Donnie. It isn't going to be easy but we all are willing to try. What do you say?"
He looked down again, eyes focused on his swollen belly. It didn't matter what he wanted. It would be what was best for them. They talked this out, planned it out well before they came to him. They said they didn't want to pressure him but its all he felt being locked in this room with them surrounding him. He knew they didn't mean it. That they just wanted to try and offer an alternative. One they thought benefited them all. All but him.
Shredder was still out there, the purple dragons, the Kraang…they would leave to defend the city. The weakest of them would be left to watch the children. That was him. With Shredder's current bounty on him, there was no way they would ever let him leave the safety of the lair. Splinter had said as much.
They all had their dreams and desires. Things they still wanted to do with their lives. Their proposal put Donnie in a state of near constant pregnancy, not to mention the need to care for the children that would already be there from the others. Where would he find time to work on his many projects? There was far too much dangerous stuff in the lab for Mikey to get into let alone a child. Did they not realize how much work went into raising a single child and yet he was being expected to get pregnant at least three more times after this? They expected him to bare the brunt of their desires. While they would have one bout of sex with him, he was expected to do so multiple times? Did they even work out that much? When each of they would sleep with him or did they exact him to drop everything to sleep with them? Or perhaps they desired to all fornicate at once? It made him shiver. What of his hopes? What of his dreams? He would never see the light of day again.
He closed his eyes. They all were so hopeful. They put so much thought into this. Mikey's face and look of excitement due to being the one to find a decent solution nearly broke his heart. They all wanted him to say yes, but to do that is to forfeit his own dreams and desires. A small price really to pay for the safety of his young, the benefit of multiple fathers.
He balled his fists, trying hard to choke back the raw emotions that threatened to escape him when he came the realization that he would be nothing more to them then a breeder. Passed around from one to the other to fill their needs and desires.
Doing so would mean he had to let go of his feelings for April completely. Even after the outburst and her hurtful words. He still loved her. He still cherished her. He forgave her immediately after she had said what she did. After all April was hurting to.
His eyes opened slowly. Looking at them all. So much hope in their eyes. So much pride in their solution. So much fear if he rejected. He wanted to say no to this. He should say no to this. He had every reason and every right to say no to this.
"Ya don't have ta answer now." Raph glared at the others. He bend down to kneel on one knee, taking his larger hands and cupping them over his brother's. "Just think on it Donnie boy." He gave him a soft reassuring smile. "Don't feel like ya have ta say yeh because it's what we want. It's yer life."
~LRDM~
April whipped her brow as they set the last of the boxes in the lair. "Alright, I'll decorate, Casey you set up the presents table. Dad, see if you can find Mikey to give him the box of stuff he wanted for the games."
Mikey was first to them as they left the lab. Leo was followed by Slash but Raph remain to keep Donnie distracted. "Awe boy! Look at all this cool stuff!" his eyes watered as he held up the tiny turtle charms on the end of the necklaces. "Man I cant wait to see how cute Donnie's babies are gonna be! With any luck they will all look like him!"
Slash rolled his eyes but had to agree. He did hope they took more after his mate then him. Grabbing the banner April gave him that read 'Baby Shower', he made his way to hang it in the doorway above the lab.
"I will set up the snack stand." Leo offered, taking the boxes of pastries and setting them up on the table in the kitchen. There was a cute little turtle cake, lined with green frosting. Small cup cakes each with a sugar turtle on it. He smiled down at how small the turtles were. It made him think back to the day he sat Donnie down to talk with him about the options available to him.
~LRDM~
Leo sat in the lab watching Donnie work. He missed this. Missed hearing him click clack on the keys in the way only his intelligent brother could. He looked on the monitor but couldn't begin to understand what he was working on or why he needed to do half the things he did on it. It was all very confusing to him but the look on his brother's face was all he needed to know about when it came to his work. He was serious about this, so serious that he wondered if he should even bring it up at all.
"Donatello…" he lowered his blue mask from his eyes. His brother had no need because as of late he wasn't wearing it. Slowly he turned to him. There was a look of confusion and curiosity that sparkled in his eyes.
Slowly turning he bowed his head. "Leonardo." He tilt his head to the side, waiting for the explanation of what this meeting was for.
He cleared his throat and turned away for a moment. Things like this were not easy to say or even discuss but there were far too many concerns that he was so deeply fearful of his brother's life. He couldn't lose him, not again and so such things needed to be addressed. Even if they were so difficult to talk about, especially with someone like Donnie.
A gentle hand was placed on his. He could see the cuts and scrapes on it, marring the delicate olive skin. A healer's hands, gentle and calming. It helped to relax him. "Leonardo?" he moved so his eyes meet the other's. Why did those eyes always seem so concerned and understanding?
He placed his other hand atop the olive one and took a deep breath, squeezing it as he did. "I'm concerned about the pregnancy." He let it out. Fearful as he continued. "It is unexpected and we are woefully ill prepared for it…"
He smiled. Why did Donatello always have to smile like that? So warmly and understanding. "Do you think father was prepared for us?" he asked. That was a fair point. No human would have expected that but still.
"Father did get pregnant." He knelt down getting to his brother's level. "Donatello, I know you well enough to know that you want to do what is right. That you have to go full term with them but…" his eyes narrowed in pain at the thought. "The risks are just too high."
He studied his face. Unmoving as he thought on his words. He could see in his eyes that he was trying to figure everything out before the spark of understanding hit. His body was stiff, hand shaking slightly now as he spoke in a low whisper. "You think I should abort them?" it was almost painful to hear that voice speak such cruel words.
"I am not saying that. I am just wanting you to factor in the risks. Donatello, your body looks like that of a male. You don't know if you are even physically capable of the birth, you said so yourself and the only other alternative is to open you up and no one is comfortable with that option. Leatherhead already refused to do that but he said he could…" he sighed. He moved a hand to cup his brother's cheek, thumb gently rubbing away the tears that were silently falling. "Donatello it is your body, your choice and we will respect any decision you make but we also want you to know that we care about you and love you so dearly that the thought of you not making it through this…" he pressed their foreheads together. "We will not think any less of you if you chose to."
It was quite for a long moment. There was no sound save the soft hum of the computer monitor. After what seemed like forever, the small voice shown through.
"Leonardo…" he began. "I know this is hard for you. That you had to push yourself to confront me and I respect that you only want what is best for me, that you all do. Even if they were not planned they are here now. I love you all and I love them." He pulled back. His head lowered to look at his growing belly with his hands placed upon it. He looked so breathtaking. The most beautiful sight he would ever see or ever know in a thousand life times. "I calculated all the risks. I thought it through and I know that there is a chance that this can be what drives me to my grave but…" his eyes looked up into his. Eyes so determined, so kind, so beautifully graceful and understanding. Eyes of a mother. "I cannot bring myself to do that…"
He stood up then, his own eyes filling with tears out of fear. "Donatello please…please consider that I love you! I love you so dearly that it hurts to see you in so much pain. That I cant stant to see you lie to yourself about this..You say it's okay and that you understand but is it really?! You didn't even know you were biologically female!" he couldn't stop. Fear had taken hold and as much as he wanted to stop he couldn't. "I can see how scared you are. I can see you tremble when you touch your belly." He bit his lip moving to his brother and pulling him close. Holding onto him as if he were going to disappear. "The way you look at him with fear in your eyes…you don't love him. He hurt you so badly that I know you are trying not to blame him or and to forgive him for Raphael's sake but what about yours?" He pulled himself away just far enough for him to look into those eyes again. His eyes that could not deny anything that was said. Leaf green hands gently cupped the olive cheeks. "Look at me in the eyes and with all honesty tell me that you can survive this. Look at me and tell me that you KNOW you can survive this…that you arent doing this because you are afraid of him and what he may do. Tell me in all honesty and I will leave now and never confront you about this again."
He watched as his brother's eyes closed tightly, he could feel his jaw muscles as he clenched his teeth and he could feel the pain in each and every tremor that ran through his body. He could see him choking back his emotions, trying so hard not to break down before him and it was because of this that he was grateful for the foresight to lock the lab doors. His breaths were staggered, uneven and almost painful sounding. "I'm scared." Was all he heard him say in a choked sob as his eyes rose again to meet his. Those beautiful eyes now glazed with fear and tears. "I want to make it right…they are happy…it was my fault I was so careless…Spike was so important to Raphael that I…He would have taken the mutagen if had been more careful…if I wasn't so stupid…"
So that was it. That was why he wanted Slash there. Not because he had a love for him, but for their brother. It's why he seemed so accepting, why he tried to push himself to be convinced that he was okay. "Donatello it is not your fault. It was never your fault and you can not blame yourself for the unforeseen. No one expected that to happen, no one could have predicted it." He kept his voice even and low, letting him work out the true feelings and emotions. Donatello was opening up even alittle.
"IT IS MY FAULT!" he shouted, breaking into a hysterical fit as his face contorted in pain. "I was the one who caused the explosion in the lab that almost killed Spike. I was the one who didn't stop Raphael when he took the mutagen even though I knew he wasn't going to take care of it. I just rolled over like I always do and I didn't fight him because even if I did I would lose because I'm so weak…" He pressed their foreheads together, sniffling as he did. "It hurt…it felt like I was being ripped in two every times and I tried so hard." Leonardo realized the change. Knowing they weren't talking about Raphael anymore. "He stood there and laughed…he watched and did nothing to stop it…even as I screamed…" the scent of blood filled the air.
Concerned Leonardo looked down at his brother's arms, realizing he was digging into his skin with his long nails hard enough to draw blood. Red flags waved and he quickly with drew his hands far apart to stop him, grabbing his wrists in a tight hold. His brother's eyes widened, breath being held as his eyes dulled. "Oh nononono" he knew what was happening. The book warned him of this.
Tiggers – A reminder of a past trauma that can cause someone to lose track of their surroundings and "relive" a traumatic event.
"Danatello, stay with me…come on Donnie…" he shook his shoulder lightly, watching as the held breath now became so short and shallow that he feared he was slipping into a panic attack. "Donnie! Come on Donnie! It's me, I'm here…it's Leo…"
A trigger can cause a vivid flashback to the past trauma. They can because by many things such as taste, smell, location, sound, actions and even internal processes such as stress.
He held his brother as he slowly lowered him to the floor, placing him in his lap as he rocked them back and forth. His hand gently stroking his cheek as he tried to calm his younger brother down. Cooing soft and gentle words to him, trying hard to bring about a far kinder memory. "Come back to me Donnie…come on…come back to me…" Tears flowed down his cheeks. He was so helpless to help him. So helpless to have stopped this. He pressed their foreheads together, taking a deep shaky breath. "I love you…"
Without warning, hands shot up pulling him down until his beak was pressed against his brother's, those soft lips spread wide for him, allowing him access to take what he wanted. He was shocked at first, wanting to pull away but that tongue was persistent that he stay. Closing his eyes, he kissed Donatello deeper. Taking claim over every little bit of him that he could. One hand wrapped around his head to deepen the kiss, the other around his waist to pull him close. Donnie moaned so sweetly. His free hand moving the leaf green one from his waist and pushed it down lower and lower until he felt the soft olive tail below.
The kiss was broken when the younger turtle churred at the touch. His head nuzzling against his neck as he pressed their bodies closer together. Leo's head was spinning, the sweet smell of pheromones filled the air, every muscle trembled with the same need and desire to claim and fill the female before him. His alpha side took over, causing him to lay her down and ravish her neck. She churred, digging her claws into his arms as her legs spread for him. Each movement, each touch, each sweet blessed cry sent shockwave after shockwave through his body.
He took position between her legs, wondering why on earth she was making this so fucking easy. She wanted it to, she started this and he was going to fill her body, so ripe and heavy with eggs. He growled softly, nipping at the soft sensitive skin of the neck. "Mine." His voice was deep, husky and dripping with lust. He pulled back, looking down on that female with his own eyes wanting to see those gorgeous eyes…
Dull.
He stared down at her. Her eyes held no life, no warmth. Only fear and pain.
He lowered his eyes then, his own face twisting with foolish guilt and remorse. How cruel was fate to do this to him? When finally he felt his beloved since they were so young would kiss him only to not be himself.
He put on a brave face. Looking back up at his brother and cupped his cheek. "Donnie…come back to me." He spoke softly, like he did when they were tots and the thunder would cause him to cry out in fear long before he understood what it was.
Slowly those eyes shown in new light. Returning to the same calm, caring and understanding look that he always held. Smiling softly, he looked up into his brother's eyes. "Leo…" he hugged him tightly. His heart beating rapidly in his chest.
Leo returned the hug, just happy that Donnie was back with him. When they pulled away he cupped his cheek, soothing it with his thumb. "Where did you go?" he asked.
"Go? I didn't go anywhere." He tilt his head to the side. "Leo are you okay?" his voice was laced with concern. Ever the doctor at heart.
He smiled and nodded his head, lifting his brother from the floor and back onto the chair. "Show me what you are working on." He saw the light in his brother's eye as he turned to the screen and began to talk about the wiring and functions of the incubator. Relief washed over him. Donnie couldn't remember their talk nor what happened after. Perhaps it was his mind's way of putting himself at ease. A way to deal with everything and process the hurt and pain and trauma. He wasn't sure but he was grateful to whatever gods cared enough to have mercy on his poor brother.
Leo could handle the burden of it.
~LRDM~
Donnie walked out of the lab with Raph's help. He didn't understand why his brother was so persistent to draw him away from the construction of the incubator or that he seemed to blow him off when he complained there was not enough wood to build a crib. He was becoming quite irritating with his nonchalant attitude and it was getting under his skin.
The moment he stepped out the door he heard a huge "Surprise!" ring in the lair. Looking over he could see the lair had been decorated with trays of food, a table of gifts wrapped in many different colors, balloons, streamers and a big sign that read "Baby Shower". Below he could see the faces of all those he loved so dearly and he couldn't help but cover his mouth to let out a soft cry. He hadn't expected this.
"See! I told ya he didn't suspect it!" Mikey bounced over and placed a green necklace around his neck, one that had a little turtle charm on it. "First game! You cant say baby, if you do you lose the necklace and give it to the person who calls you out!" His little brother's bright smile was too hard to resist. He smiled too.
"Come on Donnie boy, it's all fer you." His hot headed brother spoke softly. Helping him down the stairs as Mikey put the necklace on Raph, They moved to the couch before Casey stopped them.
He smiled brightly and rubbed the back of his head. "I know we don't always see eyes to eye Donnie…and well…I aint got alotta money…so I worked for an old carpenter near my house sweeping up saw dust and moving lumber and what not…and well…I hope ya like it…" he moved to kitchen only to come back with a rich mahogany wood rocking chair. On the headrest was carvings of the Hamato clan symbol and little turtles. "I made it for ya."
Donnie moved forward, looking it over for a long moment, his hand tracing the fine details of the carvings. He never knew Casey was so talented in such. He turned to him, eyeing the teenage human for a long moment before he smiled and bowed. Shocking everyone there. "Thank you for your thoughtful gift." He brought his head back up and felt arms wrap around him.
"Dude just suck it up and hug me." So he did. He wrapped his arms around the buffoon who took the love of his life from him and he realized without a doubt that he had made the right choice in stepping back and allowing him to be with her.
A camera flash went off and all eyes looked to Mikey who had the biggest and widest smile on his face. "Kodak moments!" he waved it around and everyone couldn't help but laugh.
Raph helped Donnie into the rocking chair. Once down they all gathered round to sit by him and talk. It wasn't about much. Mostly that they hadn't had the chance to gather like this before and how grateful they were for the chance. Leo was staying very close to Donnie. Acting as nothing was wrong but he could see the tension in his body at having all those people near him.
Kirby made his way over after some time. He seemed so uncomfortable as if he was out of place. "Well ugh…Donatello, Congratulations and all about the babies…"
Mikey jumped up and ran over, swiping the green beads from his neck with ease before swinging them around his finger. "First one down!" he chuckled and ran back to talk to Leatherhead.
"As I was saying, congratulations. I just wanted to say that…I thank you, for everything. If it weren't for you…April and I wouldn't be here. I also wanted to say thank you for working so hard to create the retromutagen. I know it was no easy task and I cant understand how you were even able to do it." He bowed lowly to him, unsure of Japanese customs and if this was acceptable or not. All he knew was that it was assign of respect. "Thank you for keeping my little girl safe. I can never begin to repay you for all you have done for us."
Donnie placed a hand on his shoulder, moving him so he would look up at him again. "It was nothing. You are most welcome. You don't have to repay a friend."
He could hear a grunt of approval from his own father as he passed by with a fresh cup of tea. It made his heart swell with pride as his father placed a hand on his shoulder. "Well spoken my son."
After they ate, Mikey, who now had four necklaces having swiped Leatherhead's, was on about this other game they were playing. Everyone was given a baby spoon, piece of paper and pen. He carried around a tray of ten jars of baby food with the labels removed and replaced with written numbers. "Okay so with this one you have to take a bite and guess what flavor it is! One who is right wins."
They all took turns tasting the food. "Ugggh. Babies actually eat dis shit? I thought Mikey's mush tasted bad." Raph wrinkled his nose writing "shit" on the paper.
"It isn't so bad, I kinda like it." Slash nudged Raph playfully. Both of them chucking.
Once again the baby of the family bounced over and swipped the necklace off his big brother's neck. "You said it and harsh bro!"
Raph smacked his head grumbling about how he lost to Mikey of all people.
"Okay everyone give me the cards!" he looked them over, marking things down before he pulled out the winner. "The winner without even tasting the food is Sensei!" Mikey looked to their father who had simply sniffed each jar. "Dad! You were supposed to taste it."
The old rat chuckled softly. "I did not have to." He tapped his nose.
Donnie chuckled softly. His eyes fixated on the family. On everyone who he held so dear. Each of them were laughing, having a great time together all because of the bundles of joy that grew within him. He looked to each of them.
Mikey playfully bounced around to each person, spreading laughter and joy everywhere he went with that endless energy he had. No doubt his babies lives would be filled with endless laughter and joy because of him.
Raph was strong, no doubt willing to put the babies needs well before his own. They would be protected and comforted. They would be safe from anything that frightened them because his big strong arms would fight away those fears.
Leo was stoic and wise. His skill and wisdom would ensure that they grew up in a balanced home. That they were disciplined and trained to protect themselves in the cruel world. With his guidance, they would all be great.
Spike…Spike was much like Raph. Strong, silent but forceful. If things didn't go quite his way he was quick to anger. Granted it he was getting better, trying to be better…Donnie was not so sure about him. Even so he was sure Raph would never let Spike hurt anyone, especially the babies.
"Donatello…" speaking of. Said turtle looked up at the larger tortoise. There was no denying the look Leo was giving him. Ensuring that any false move he made would be swiftly dealt with. The large black hands fiddled a bit, a nervous habit he seemed to have picked up when trying to be a better tortoise. "I know you have every right to refuse me but…" he looked to Raph who nodded encouragement. "I want to know if I can…touch your…"
He wanted to say no. He didnt want him to touch him. He wanted to get up and run as far as he could from there but he stayed. He placed on his mask, a gentle smile on his lips. "You are their father."
"HIM?!" Kirby shouted and April's face turned red as she hushed him. There was a look of deep worry and concern in the scientist's eyes as he looked to Donatello. Almost pleading with him that they needed a serious talk.
Donnie knew already what it was about. He would ensure that they never have that talk.
Despite the outburst, Slash ignored it in favor of gently laying his hand on the large belly of his mate. He was sure to be extra gentle, fearful even that he would hurt or cause him discomfort. "I'm not hurting you? You are comfortable?"
He could not deny the progress that was made with him spending time with Raphael. The time was constructive, enlightening and filled with lessons on how to treat and tend to Donatello. "I am fine." He spoke softly. Keeping his eyes down and focused elsewhere. Fearing that if he looked up and met his gaze that he would regret it. The soft pets to his belly felt nice, but he wished whole heartedly that it was anyone else who would have done it.
Leo could see how tense he was, how he avoided eye contact with him. Thinking quickly he looked to Mikey. "Isnt it time for presents?"
The ball of energy shot up and stood on the table. "YO! It is!" he ran over to the table and carried an armful of them over. Leatherhead offered himself to bring the larger ones. They set them in a pile next to Donnie and forced Slash to move, much to Leo's delight.
"Okay so Dee, each color is from one of us. Obviously orange is me, red is Raph, Blue is Leo and yadda yadda. Here!" he handed him the orange box and sat down. "Start with mine!" he had the camera ready.
"Oh…Okay thank you." He blushed softly as he opened the gift. Looking down at the bottle maker that would warm the milk to the perfect temperature each time.
"Man I know you don't wanna wake up at night and make bottles when you're dead ass tired! I seen how you get bro and this will make it right every time! Plus I know how much you like new machines!" he snapped a picture and ran over to hug his brother.
Donnie leaned in and rested his head on Mikey's shoulder. "Thank you. It was a very thoughtful gift." The gleam in those baby blue eyes was all he needed to see as the gift was set aside for the next one.
This one was green. "That would be from me." Leatherhead said shyly. "I am sorry I could not find something more suitable for you…"
The pregnant turtle opened the gift and smiled down at it. A refurbished teddy bear with two different colored eyes and a bottle cap nose. Little stitched scars across it's body where he had put it back together. On the back was a small switch, once on it played a sound like a soft drum. "It's a Dex bear."He hugged it to him, surprised by how soft the fur was and how clean it smelled. He smiled at his gator friend. "Thank you."
"Wait what is that sound? Its kinda creepy." Casey said softly, leaning over to April.
"It plays sounds like you would hear in the womb, it is supposed to calm babies and help them fall asleep." She laid her head on his shoulder.
"Thank you Leatherhead. I am sure they will love it. It is very cute." He meant every word. He set that aside atop Mikey's gift as another was placed in his hands.
It was a red box, obviously from Raph. The big guy was embarrassed as a blush graced his cheeks. Inside was a set of educational books. From letters to numbers, shapes and colors, there were even some about animals. "Ya were the first of us ta read…so I figured ya would wanna start 'em off early."
Donnie nodded. "You're right about that. It's never too early to learn." He grabbed his brother's hand and yanked him down into a hug. "Thank you Raphie."
He pulled away after returning the hug. "Don't worry about it ya sap." He waved his hand in the air trying to hide his blush.
The next was a larger box that was blue. Leo knelt down to Donnie to help position it infront of him. "I hope you like it."
The olive turtle tore away at the wrapping paper, finding a solid wood changing table. Ever the particle one. He thought to himself.
"I got one that was good for twins…this way you can change one and I…someone else could change another. More hands make less work." He smiled at him. Donnie leaned in and gave him a hug. "Wise choice." He pulled back, noting the changing color on his cheeks.
That was soon moved and replaced with a black bag and inside were four black boxes. "That would be from me." Slash said proudly. Moving to get in close and see his face. He was proud of his choice in gift.
Donnie nodded and opened the first one. It was a front and back baby carrier. Able to carry two babies at once allowing for hands free movement. The other three were the same.
"Since you said it was possibly eight eggs…I thought if not you have spares." The larger mutant lowered himself, waiting for his hug. "You can still work on your projects as well as your ninjitsu."
The pregnant turtle reluctantly hugged him, pulling away quicker then he had with the others. "Thank you…they are very useful gifts." He mustered a smile but could not deny the usefulness of them.
The next gift was white with yellow pokadots. "That's from my father and I." April piped up. Smiling brightly as she moved to him. It was a huge and heavy gift.
"It feels expensive…" he said softly. Frowning as he wondered just how much they had spent on this. He knew they didn't have much money and this was certainly not worth them doing this.
"It doesn't matter Donnie! You are always putting everyone else before yourself and well…we wanted to get you something new that you didn't have to waste time to clean." April paced a hand on his shoulder and he felt that same zing though his body everytime she did, only further reminding himself that she was so close and yet he would never have her.
Removing the wrapping paper he saw a large wooden crib that matched the changing table. It could easily hold eight babies with little effort until they were about a year old. He traced the box, reading about everything it came with including the mobile of the moon, stars and planets.
She leaned in and hugged him tightly. "You deserve the best Donnie." She said softly, kissing his cheek before she pulled away.
"Thank you Mr. O'Neil…thank you April." He bowed his head to them and watched as the gifts were set off to the side.
The reset were little things, bottles, spoons, diapers and so on of the like. The little things to keep the babies happy and healthy.
Yet there was no gift from his father. Looking over at his father he did not seem upset. Had he angered him? Was the gift he wanted not there or was he holding off? Part of him was fearful that he didn't give a gift because he didn't care about the babies. The thought alone filled him with a deep unending sadness.
The rest of the night was mostly a blur. Mikey had every necklace save for Leo, Splinter and Donnie. He was hovering near them, waiting for the moment to snag their necklaces and become the turtle champion.
"You okay?" Leo asked, kneeling down to check on Donnie who was fairly quiet for this party being for him. He was concerned because he just sat alone in the chair rocking back and forth with his good foot staring off into space. Part of him fearful he left them again but was glad to see him responding.
"Just tired." He admitted. It had been hours since the party started and he was hoping that they would settle down now that the presents and food were done. He had an obligation to stay seeing as they were there for him. He didn't want to Leo to know about how upset he was about their father. It would crush him.
His brother nodded. "I understand. Give me a bit and I'll be sure to see them out." He smiled and moved to their father, whispering in his ear before seeing the old rat nod.
"I want to that you all for joining us on this special day but I feel it is at an end. Regrettably today has been extremely taxing on my son and it is best he rest." He could see their understanding. Each said their good-byes, Donnie thanked them again before watching all but his family and Spike leave.
He was grateful for it. Ready to call it a night because he was very exhausted. Raph moved toward him, ready to take him up and to bed when their father raised his hand to stop him. "I know you are tired my son, but I have something special for you." He stood up and solely made his way to the dojo.
Donnie's heart fluttered, regretting doubting his father at all now that he had seen the gleam in those eyes. There was no doubt excitement in them and he couldn't wait to see just what his "something special" was. The others sat around him just as curious as him and they no doubt seen the eagerness.
He looked around at each of them. Filling his heart with joy and love. He took a deep breath and smiled. "I accept."
All eyes looked to him. Unsure at first what he was talking about. He shook his head at their surprise and said it again. "Mikey's offer. I accept." There was nothing but happy faces. Each of them doing some motion of triumph. He was on board because he felt despite the sacrifices he was to make. It would all be for the advantage of his children.
Before they could talk on it more, Splinter walked out with those same two boxes from the morning. Setting one down before Donatello and the other before Leonardo. He received a puzzeled look from each. "I am excited to see how you like them."
The two brothers looked at each other. Their eyes searching the other's before they set to open them. Leonardo's was thinner but still layers. A blue nearly the same as his mask and there were also white palm palm things in the box. The back of his Haori was the clan emblem in a slightly darker blue. The hakama were decorated with the clan symbol woven in shining blue thread. Highly formal. His eyes slowly looked to his father. The clan leader was determined and stone faced. Immoveable like a mountain. He looked to his brother who held a puzzled look.
Inside of Donatello's was a white kimono with purple accents. It was larger and thicker then Leonardo's with far more layers as well. There was a highly decorated silk obi with purple patterns repeating the same flower pattern, the Hamato clan symbol. Pulling the kimono further from the box, he looked at the back, the purple embroidery so flawlessly done again in the shape of the Hamato clan emblem.
Donnie narrowed his eyes questionably. "Oto-san?" he spoke softly, confused by such a gift.
"Given the news of your unexpected pregnancy, I have thought long and hard what I was to do about this." He was firm in his voice, near commanding.
"Oto-san, Please I have not spoken to them…to him about this yet…" Leo began before he was cut off.
"You will not speak!" his voice boomed and made Donatello jump slightly. "You had your chance to explain and work things out. The longer you delay the less time we have!" Leo balled the fabric in his fists, clenching his jaw as he turned away.
He turned back to Donatello. "I know you did not actively seek this out, that it was forced upon you…" he glared at Slash out of the corner of his eyes. "With the customs of my birthplace and clan traditions, I seek to restore your honor."
Donatello looked to Leonardo, looking to him for guidance and understanding but he saw none. His elder brother was at war with himself both inside and out. It frightened him to see him like that, especially because of their father. He wanted comfort him.
"Look at me when I am speaking to you!" he snapped his eyes to his father on the command. "You being a biological female will be best suited to wed Leonard my heir. Your children will be claimed as his bit will not be considered for his heirs once his own have been born…"
Donatello wasn't listening. There was a loud buzzing in his ear even as he heard muffled arguments in the background. The joy and happiness from before…the pure blissful togetherness all torn away. There were fights and arguments, father against sons, brother against brother. He could see them yelling, could hear the muffled sounds but couldn't make out the words.
It was because of him.
It was his fault.
It was because he exists.
The family he loved was fighting.
The family he loved was being torn apart.
He spoke softly though no one heard him. He hunched over, inhaled deeply and shouted at the top of his lungs so they would all finally hear him. A single word. "NO!"
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone