Chapter 30: 28
Jungkook
The night before felt like a blur, I was ashamed that Taehyung and the others had found me this way.
They had to see me in my moment of weakness.
Taehyung continued to ask me questions.
He coaxed me to reveal the truth.
His words felt like they were coming underwater and my body felt like it was floating.
He begged, cajoled. He sounded desperate.
He told me I was worth more than I thought, yet I couldn't bring myself to respond.
He was wrong.
I was worth nothing.
I was a whore.
Dirty.
Used.
I was just an empty vessel.
His words hurt because he was lying.
I wanted to scream.
I hated him
Stop lying, please.
My heart was aching.
It hurt so much.
I didn't bring happiness.
I was not light.
I was darkness.
Nobody cared.
I was on my own.
Taehyung bent closer and I felt his warmth next to my hand that laid on the bed.
His hand was close to mine. So close yet not touching.
"Can I touch you?"
I went rigid.
No.
He couldn't touch me.
I didn't think I could bear anyone's touch at that moment.
Or anyone's touch.
It felt like I would crumble and fade away in the air.
Please leave.
Please go.
Leave me.
I heard him blow out a sharp breath and he stood up, pushing the chair away.
He was leaving.
"I just want you to know that you are loved… you matter. To Jimin. To Hae-sook," Taehyung murmured gently.
His words felt like a sharp knife against my heart.
Closing my eyes, I gave him only silence.
I didn't say anything.
I couldn't.
His words hurt.
I wished they didn't, but his lies broke my already fractured heart.
I trusted him yet he fed me lies.
As he walked away, his footsteps faded away until I didn't hear him anymore.
When I heard the door close, I sighed and kept my eyes shut.
I rubbed my fingers over the bumpy bandages and my nose tingled as the tears started to form behind my close eyelids.
I never thought I would take such a step.
I didn't even remember it happening.
I was so lost, so far gone that I didn't realize what I was doing.
I remember the silence that I felt when I lost consciousness.
It felt like I was in charge of my emotions for once. However, I knew it was wrong.
As a single tear slipped down the side of my face, I pulled the covers up under my chin.
Turning to my left side, I faced the window but still kept my eyes closed. Swiping the trail of tears away, I sighed and let the tiredness take over my body.
A few minutes later, I was asleep again.
Taehyung's voice never left me.
"You are worth more than you think."
~~~
My eyes snapped open and I quickly blinked the sleepiness away when I heard my door open, my body stiffened.
A few seconds later, I felt my bed shift beside me and the scent of rose perfume teased my nose.
Jimin.
I looked up and saw him staring down at me, his face sad. His eyes were red and puffy and he looked haggard.
"Hey," he whispered.
"Hello," I replied.
Jimin stared at me silently for a few seconds and then he sniffled. My eyes widened when I saw him filled with unshed tears.
"Don't ever do that again," he said, quickly swiping away the tears that fell down his cheeks.
"Jimin..." My chest felt impossibly tight at the sight of him crying.
"You… know… how hard that was… seeing you like that. Finding you in that state?" He wept.
I closed my eyes as guilt encompassed my heart and body.
"You can't ever do that again, Jungkook. You can't."
"I'm sorry."
Jimin pushed his hair and wiped away the fallen tears.
"Jungkook, we can help. You just have to say it. Talk to me. Please. I can't see you like this. You don't deserve this. Let us help," he whispered, his hand slowly moving up so that it was resting on my head. He absently patted my hair, his eyes still on mine.
"I'm sorry."
Sorry? Why was he sorry? I blinked up at him, confused, he looked away sadly.
"I should have known. I should have noticed, instead, I had let myself believe that you were happy. I should have been there for you."
"You are wrong."
When I had finally pulled myself in a sitting position, I took Jimin's hand in mine. "I was happy," I admitted, "The happiest I had ever been to. And you gave me that. You. Hae-sook. Taehyung."
He looked at me, confused, his eyes showing suspicion.
Jimin seemed to be trying to find any hints that I was lying.
But I wasn't.
They were the truest words I had ever spoken.
Swallowing hard, I grasped at the small bit of determination inside me. "I had a nightmare last night."
Maybe I could tell him. Not the whole truth. But parts of it. Maybe then he would understand.
"I don't remember much, but it was horrible. It was bad. It hurt so much," I whispered. "Even when I woke up, it wouldn't leave me. I just wanted it to go away. I just wanted silence."
Jimin's eyes were wide and his mouth was opened in surprise. "Do you have a lot of these nightmares?" he asked gently, his face softening as he regarded me with sorrowful eyes.
I was looking at him, looking right past as the images of my nightmares flashed in front of me.
"Yes. Most of the time," I whispered, my voice sounding a little lost. And that was exactly how I felt. Lost.
I didn't know where I belonged anymore.
I didn't know what to feel or want.
"I didn't have them for some time. But last night it came back," I admitted, The only reason I didn't get the nightmares was because of Taehyung. Because of his jacket. But my peace was snatched away from me."
"Is there a reason why it stays away and comes back again?" Jimin asked, his tone cautious, his fingers were wrapped around mine and he was rubbing them soothingly.
Shrugging, I looked away, avoiding eye contact.
This was my secret, I couldn't tell him.
It sounded pathetic even in my head, I could only imagine how bad it would sound to Jimin.
"Okay," he said. I was thankful that he didn't push. "Thank you for telling me."
He squeezed my hand in a comforting manner.
I nodded mutely.
"Jungkook, you can always talk to me. I'm here for you. So, whenever you are ready, I will be waiting. I'm not going to push. This is your choice, know that I am here for you. Not only me but Mom and Taehyung too. And everyone else." Jimin leaned forward and placed a kiss on my forehead, "There is always light at the end of the dark tunnel," he whispered before pulling back.
His words took my breath away and the tears stung the back of my eyes again.
"Jimin." I sniffled.
"Shhh, I'm here," he said, wrapping his arms around me.
I buried my head in his shoulders and cried.
I cried for the years of pain that were bestowed upon me.
I cried for the painful life that I had to live.
I cried at my hopelessness.
I cried for the kindness that was being shown to me.
They were supposed to be my enemies but instead they had shown me more goodness than I had ever seen in my entire life.
"Thank you," I choked as Jimin rubbed my back soothingly.
"It's okay. It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay," he whispered, his voice soft and filled with compassion.
I didn't know how much time passed. But by the time my tears had dried, I felt completely drained but lighter.
My heart didn't hurt as bad and I could breathe better.
Calmer.
Pulling away from Jimin, I wiped away my tears as he gave me a small encouraging smile.
"You must be hungry," he said, changing the topic.
I was grateful for his understanding, I nodded and placed my palm over my stomach.
"A little," I replied.
"Okay. Sit tight, I will bring you your breakfast."
"Wait," I called when he was near the door, Jimin stopped and faced me again.
Biting on my lips nervously, I push the few strands of hair away from my face, "Where is Haesook?" I asked, finally voicing the question that I had been dreading to ask.
Jimin lost his smile. "Mom is downstairs. When I go down, I will let mom know you are awake.
She will come up so fast that you will not have time to blink."
"Is she angry?"
I knew I disappointed and hurt them with my actions, I didn't want Hae-sook to be angry at me.
Jimin quickly shook his head, his eyes going wide at my question. "No," he gasped. "Never. Jungkook, Mom was so worried. She will be happy that you are awake. She can never be mad at you."
"Okay," I replied, my heart settling at a steady pace again.
Jimin gave me another smile and then winked. "I will be right back."
"Okay."
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