Chapter 2: More Stressed
Okay. Take Stock of things. Seems I'm not dead? I'm sure this is some type of experience close to death. How else would I make sense of things. Logic has no bearing on this situation.
Calm down. Lets open our eyes again, okay buddy?
"Yes, there's still the same thing over there. Just the same as the last time I looked."
"One tail, reaching towards the sky? Check. Giant fluffy legs, ending in paws with horrific looking claws poking out? Check. Two giant fluffy watermelons, with a gigantic puckered asshole squatting above them? Check. One self satisfied looking giant cat face with an evil grin, tilted off to the side so as to stare at me with obvious enjoyment? Check."
It seems to be squatting slightly, so that the immense asshole is near to my face.
"So, I guess you've captured my soul at the moment of death, and I've done some sort of wrong thing in life, and my punishment is to become some sort of felching demon to satisfy your urges? Dude I like cats but I don't suck ass. I mean, you should at least try dating first, and then bring it up later once the relationship becomes more solid. You don't spring this on a man before the first kiss either. I like a little romance you know?"
"MOTHERFCKER. I'm clearly a cat god, offering my greetings in the friendliest possible manner. I know countless beings who would beg for the honor to sniff my ass and know my greatness but you're saying I want you for WHAT NOW?!"
A whirlwind occurs before my face, the... cat god? Well, it's spun around in a rage, fur rising up, tail becoming the fluffiest thing in existence. That's fine, but that other thing looks like a giant paw flying towards me. Seems I'm destined to make dumb choices today. I can't seem to help it.
GUHHHBLARGH.
"What did you say?!!"
"Nothing, seems to be the sfx of my organs shooting out of my throat after you whacked me." I say with an understandable lack of spirit, lying in a pile of... well put politely a pile of myself, since nothing seems solid anymore, and a lot of what should be inside is outside.
"I guess that makes sense. Don't worry, you won't die here, but you'll keep suffering if you mouth off again."
"What the hell is going on?"
"Oh damn, didn't I explain it? I gifted you with the ability to be super friendly with cats, hoping you'd champion their cause and fight for feline Justice in the world. I figured since you were smart and naturally inclined to evil against your fellow man, you'd latch on to the emotional support of cats and make the world a better place for them"
"Ehm, nope, seems you fcked your choice up and only managed to get me killed in defense of cats for no reason,"
The cat god slits it's eyes as it gazes at me, and lies down casually, the paw that turned me into a puddle curling up so that it can casually lick it clean as it considers the current state of affairs.
"Yeah, I guess that's true. I'm a cat, I don't really understand people either. I figured you'd do something I wanted but didn't plan for a damned thing. But I mean, it's all fair. You'll forgive me right? I mean, I'm super fcking cute. And awesome. And a god that can pulp you in a second."
Sigh... He is damned cute. "You're damned cute yes. So much so it brings tears to my brain. Could be because I'm crying and in pain. The tears I can see landing on some brain matter in front of me as well. Can't I just pass on already? This really sucks. I should have just played games with your ass like you invited."
SWOOOP.... SPLASH!!!
"OUCH"
"Shut up, I'm thinking about what to do. I fcked with your life and some other gods might cause me grief. But I still need my work to be done on Earth. Hey, what do you think I should have done to get cats a champion, rather than how things worked out?" He's casually cleaning his paw after dirtying it again, he seems to be rather amused by his antics, as I can hear the rumble of a "soft" purr coming from him. What a douche.
"Well, some heads up and a super power would have been good. You seem like a normal cat in behavior, pretty free and irresponsible, outside of the giant and godly aspect. Couldn't you have done that?"
The cat god stops licking and pricks up it's head. "OF COURSE! Other gods do that all the time, I guess. I was just pretty busy on a world full of catnip that day, had a good nap and just kind of made you have a cat affinity. I figured it would all work out." The cat then stands up, turns around a few times, and plants its ass back on the ground to look at me in what it assumes is an imperious and threatening manner. I mean sure, it's huge, powerful and all, but now that I get a decent look it's like a giant black kitten. Too damned cute to pay attention to the rest.
"Aww, you cute thing, I'd totally be petting you if I could, but my arms are way over there beyond my ankles. I think, I see some fingers poking out of the me-soup so I'm sure they ended up over there."
"Oh right, yes I am cute. I'll put you back together again for now I guess."
ZAP.
The soup that I am gets shocked by a bolt of lightning. Why can soup still feel pain? As I scream, I notice the cat god draws it's ears back in annoyance at the sound but it seems to be patiently waiting. After about 5 minutes, I guess my soup as transformed back into a body. I mean, I know it has, I'm back in one piece, but the transition between different states of death and dismemberment leaves me reeling and I'm not quite certain I'll be keeping this new form, so no reason to get excited just yet.
"Hmmmmreow, I guess I should take your advice, got any idea on super powers? The ability to land on your feet from incredible heights? Being able to sleep through anything no matter where you are or who's head you're lying on? The ability to stare at people and impose your will through the aura of cuteness you radiate? Oh, so many good catly things to choose from!"
"Uhm, I'm guessing you'll send me back then? I mean sure all those things are awesome skills, but not so useful to become a champion for a species when you have armed humans to deal with. Why don't I suggest something and you see if it can be done?"
"Didn't I just ask for your opinion? Yeah, I'll send you back. It's my stuff up, so I can rightfully fix it, including sending you back. If anyone complains I'll be forgiven."
This cat is probably the god-pet of some other god, and just seems to be bored. Oh well. I think I have an idea.
"Ok, I'm pretty lazy, so I'd dig something that puts my brain to use. How about you give me the force, like, from Star Wars? Pretty useful, I could go blasting shit with lightning and influence minds to make cats get better global status."
The cat thinks for a minute, tapping it's tail on the ground like a person considering an issue and drumming his fingers on the table. It's cute how it's paw is also on its chin, seeming to truly consider the issue.
"Well, I could do that. That type of power would be accessible to everyone after a period of adjustment though, because it would need to permeate the universe. But I guess it's a good choice, if I get called out by other godly beings I could also convince them that it's a useful power to give their champions of choice a boost in rather easily and quickly. Yep, solves my problem and gets other people off my ass so I can raid their catnip and shit in their gardens in peace. Good idea."
"So wait, you wanna fix your problems and steal cat related stuff from other gods? And ultimately only want the freedom to shit in places you shouldn't?"
"Well, beyond cat freedom and equality on Earth, pretty much."
"Urgh, okay. Well, you set that up then, I'm just gonna pretend this has all been a bad dream."
"Whatever, I don't care much, I got some naps to catch up on, so lets get this done, you pretty much can figure out what I want on Earth, otherwise I don't mind what you get up to. Gods aren't caught up in morality or good and evil that much outside of a hobby. And as a cat god, I'm even more relaxed about that stuff."
"Ok, cool. Whats your name by the way?"
"Mischief!"
"Makes sense."
The cat stands up on it's back legs, as a miniature universe is born above it's head which it starts to knead at with glowing paws, it's eye closed, its purr rising in volume and vibrating the air like an earthquake. The universal image grows and then starts imploding into a ball, which begins to resemble the Earth as I know it, and I feel a suction force dragging me back into it.
"Ciao, good luck, and do the damned job properly this time!"
What a douche I think to myself, as I am dragged back into darkness. If all of this was just some random shit before I died, well, at least it will all be over now, I can have a good sleep finally. Weird as all hell though.
............................................
THUMP.
"Urgh, shouldn't have drunk that much, what a fucked up dream."
I hazily sit up, looking around for some water by my bedside.
"Wait, shit ton of grass in my room suddenly, the hell is going on?"
I look around, and see that I'm where I previously died, oh... Joy, so that shit was real, or else I fainted from fear confronting the guys who still seem to be moving towards me and just recovered after a nightmare.
Hmm, I guess I should see if anything is different.
As I start to focus, the world around me starts to slow down. Either everything else is slow, or I'm fast, seems to be the same effect either way it's happening. Ok, so if I focus shit gets slow, I can feel the world around me in a way I haven't before. Like a 6th sense, but not that shitty one that see's dead people. I don't think I see dead people at any rate... "OH WAIT! These asshats killed me right? OK, I seem to have some instinctual control over the force, Mischief came through! SO THAT MEANS I DO SEE DEAD PEOPLE!!!! AHAHAHAAHAHAHA"
The thugs that were moving towards the guy they had previously shot are starting to feel a little weird about the whole situation. They clearly blasted him into a blood fountain and he fell over dead. As they decided to go see who it was and get control of the situation the dude sits up like he has no issue, starts speaking to himself and then laughing like a maniac. His words were a bit too fast, or garbled or something so no sense of it was made, but with the higher speed it's like fast forward, he sounds like those old chipmunk related cartoons, really high pitched and weird. Twitching on the ground like an idiot, looking stunned at the word.
"Is this guy possessed? Did we blast half his brain out and what's left is short circuiting before death? Guys, reload just in case, I'm not too comfortable."
I stand up, I feel fcking great, aside from the trauma of death and giant cat asshole and testicles in my face, I have a new lease on life. "Hey guys! Do you like violence?!"
Everyone stops, the old lady has eyes bugging out of her head, her mouth is open, apparently trying to speak, or scream, or do something to try and figure the world out. The thugs look about the same, guns start to be lowered, eyes scrunched up as their brains begin to overheat trying to figure out the world. The cats see the situation and begin to stretch out across the lawn, apparently they feel they have a decent grasp over this new and strange world, as they seem to be getting comfortable to watch the show.
"Miss, or Madam, I think we both know you're too old to be called miss. If you keep staring like that, I'll think you're shocked because you've just remembered you saw my nude pic's online and want an autograph! I'll sign them later, but no getting frisky, I have some work to do first."
The thugs seem to be getting back on track, the weapons are coming back up. Whew, better act fast.
"LIGHTING MOTHERFCKERS, CALL ME THOR" I yell manically as that fond childhood memory of Sith lightning blasts out, crackling and swarming over these little shits as I get my sweet, sweet revenge. Revenge against them, that god that made me soup, everything. I just joyfully released my rage without limit as I drowned in this new world opening before me.
"Well, metaphorically. It's not a new world in front of me so much as some human shaped, smelly charcoal statues. But I mean the implications of it, you get me?"
The lady drops to her ass, and nervously begins to speak as she looks at the corpses in front of her.
"Who the hell are you talking to? What's happening? I don't understand?"
"Cat justice you old hag! What's your number, I'll send those nudes when I get home" I say as I pull a pack of blood stained smokes out of my coat, and move one to my mouth. Then, like a badass I turn around and start walking away into the distance to do my duty. Also to get more smokes and hide the fact that these blood stained cigarettes won't light up. Shit. I was hoping for a perfect ending.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone