Chapter 24: Chapter 24: Also, the pizza is burning in the oven
"Ahem… My deepest apologies for being late." A male voice rang in the silent classroom. "I have a message from the Student Council which explains the reason for my lateness as well as some things that have happened. Once again, I apologize for interrupting the class."
The boy offered a sealed letter with two hands and accompanied by a small bow, perfect form for someone handing a calling card or a gift.
The homeroom teacher of class 3-B took the letter with shaky hands, eyes wide as she looked at abnormally acting Issei who had come into the room, four hours late to the school after being away for days without so much as a notice.
Momonga sighed internally as he waited for the teacher to process the letter's contents.
"A-ah… I see, if it's from Souna-sama…" The teacher coughed and cleared her throat. "Ahem, um, class, it seems that Issei-san will be re-joining us with a different name. He is suffering from a long-term amnesia that is unlikely to go away, which is the reason he has not been present for the past few days, and he has changed his name due to the same circumstances."
"That is correct, teacher-sama." Momonga agreed with a small nod towards the class. "I have, unfortunately, lost most of my personality-tied memories such as memories of names, places, people, and events. However I retain most of my academic skills. That being said, as I no longer feel myself being 'Issei', and I've changed my name to 'Momon'. Furthermore, I've been adopted by the Phenix family due to personal circumstances. This, in turn, makes my new full name 'Momon Phenix'."
He then turned towards the stunned teacher, gave her a small bow, then turned towards his new, and utterly frozen, classmates and gave another small bow. "I hope we all get along, and can start with a new page. It is said that sins of the father are paid by the son, yet I ask that you see me not as Issei, but as what came after, Momon."
A second thought came to Momonga's head. "Hm, could someone direct me to my previous seat?"
A nearly bald boy pointed at an unoccupied seat between himself and another boy, both boys being seemingly in state of shock after hearing 'Momon's introduction. "Ah, thank you, mister…"
"D-do you really not remember?! It's me, Matsuda! Your best friend!" The boy, Matsuda cried, making Momonga pause for a second. 'Hm… I think I should have transferred classes… breaking all the pre-existing relations with Issei might distract me…'
"Wha… wha…" The second boy stammered, taken aback by Momonga's restrained and official behaviour. "I'm… Motohama! You couldn't have forgotten about us! You are just fooling around with not remembering us and trying to get girls to relax their guard so you can take all sorts of pictures? Please, please tell me that's the case!"
"Ah…" Momonga sighed as 'Issei's past was paid for by his mental health. "Fortunately, that is not the case. I am uninterested in peeping on girls. Moreover it would be disrespectful towards my wife."
"W-wait, Issei, a-are those hickeys in your neck?" Matsuda looked as if something had stabbed his heart as he spotted something, and Momonga noticed that the collar of his school uniform had slipped at some point.
"Yes, but they're not important right now." 'Momon' nodded at the boy and sat down on his, or rather, Issei's seat. "Also, please call me Momon."
The stunned atmosphere of the class seemed to shatter, and the two boys froze completely still. And then the whispering began as the girls in the class, which made everyone beside Momonga and the two boys on either side of him, conversed about what they had just seen and had heard while giving 'Momon' sideways glances that varied from suspicious to hostile to disgusted to wary.
Suzuki Satoru could feel his annoyance grow as the girls blatantly disrespected the teacher who was desperately trying to get the class's attention.
He slammed his hands against the table as the teacher's attempt failed for the third time. "Class!"
Everything froze in the class once more. "We have gathered here, into a place of learning and knowledge, in order to lay the foundations of our future lives and careers! Please, if you must gossip and converse of my current state, do it during the break! I may be the only one here, but I do not enjoy pointless time-wasting, not when there is knowledge to be gained or new information to be absorbed! To prevent our honored teacher from imparting her knowledge for the sake of petty gossip is a sin against the whole learning system! Behave yourselves"
Momonga's 'speech' came to an end, causing all the occupants of the room, the teacher included, to stare at him with varying looks.
Most of the girls looked disbelieving or disgusted as if they stared at 'Momon' as if they had seen a leech talk about how salt was delicious, but some of the girls looked ashamed and the duo beside 'Momon' was just staring at him, utterly speechless.
"A-ahm, t-that's correct, um… Yes, about… erm, mathematics…" The teached coughed a few times to gather the class's attention, finally turning the introduction into a more coherent study.
Momonga sighed in relief inside his head.
.
.
By the end of the class, he realized that dropping out of the high-school around twenty years ago meant he was absolutely clueless about the subjects at hand.
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"Aha. Ahaha. Haha…" Rias giggled madly as she left her classroom with Akeno.
The girls in the class had been seriously concerned over Rias's mental state as the girl had slumped on her seat like a doll whose strings had been cut after entering the school four hours late, and even more once she had started to giggle like a madwoman when the completely normal classes came to an end, signalling the normal end for the completely normal school day.
"Rias-chan…"
"Ahahah…. ahaha. Nothing happened for the rest of the school day…" Rias giggled, her eyes completely bloodshot and her footsteps like something out of a zombie horror movie. "Ahaha… It's building steam. Momon-steam. Soon it'll erupt, and something crazy happens again… Perhaps a volcano will erupt and he blocks the lava with his fire powers and the whole school falls for him?"
"...Don't jinx it." Akeno pat the red-headed girl's head who paled after hearing her words. "Ara, you actually believe that could happen?"
"D-Don't jinx it! You just said that!" Rias placed both her hands over Akeno's mouth.
Akeno shrugged and licked Rias's fingers, causing the girl to blush but not take her hands off her mouth in case she said something that would further jinx them.
Akeno narrowed her eyes mischievously and took one of Rias's fingers into her mouth to lick and suckle on it, seeing that Rias was too busy panicking to be properly embarrassed.
It seemed that Rias was, in fact, embarrassed as she blushed hard from the attention but her paranoia won and she kept her hands in place.
Some passing-by girl stopped as if she had walked into a wall after seeing Rias, thegreat onee-sama of Kuoh, having her fingers licked by the second great onee-sama of Kuoh, and then she ran off.
Rias sighed as she realized that the two had been spied on, and that the bystander had fled before she could correct her. "I can feel it coming."
"Well, just let it release, ufufufu… you'll feel better after…" Akeno teased after Rias pulled her hands away, and the raven-haired girl pulled the redhead into a hug. "You'll need to go somewhere and unwind. Somewhere without Momon, I think, or with Momon. Just the two of you."
"Y-you think so?"
"Well, he can't pull off anything crazy, I hope, if he's locked into a room with you… ufufufu… why don't we try that when we get 'home'?" Akeno chuckled. "You let so cute moans last night… I want to hear more of them."
Rias blushed hard. "T-that was… it was just… I didn't…"
"You weren't happy?" Akeno tilted her head, suddenly serious.
"N-no, that's not the case, it's just… ugh, I wanted my first time to be much more romantic…" Rias finally got out. "The last night was like… I don't know, a relationship equivalent of a sixty car pile-up on the highway with no survivors… and there was no real honeymoon or wedding with guests and cake, it was just… matter-of-fact declaration, name on paper, good job, slap on the butt, get back to daily grind- sort of thing."
"...Accurate, ufufu…" Akeno chuckled. "But still, if you take the 'first time' part out, it was pretty fun, no?"
"...He just kissed you on the cheek, and that was after Xuelan insisted... you didn't actually have to have him 'inside' you, so it's not like you can comment..." Rias grumbled.
"Ara? Should I change that tonight?" Akeno tilted her head.
"N-ugh, fine, whatever. Go ahead, see if I care." Rias groaned after she figured out that Akeno was, in fact, teasing her and the raven-haired girl hugged her again.
"I'm just teasing…" Akeno patted her best friend's head.
"...I know… Everything's just… crazy... " Rias growled as the two began creeping towards the exit of the school, suddenly realizing that they were having a fairly intimate relationship talk, while hugging each other, in the middle of an empty hallway in the now-slowly emptying school. "I wonder where the rest of the guys are? Normally Yuuto and Koneko would show up and at least say hi…"
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There was pandemonium outside the Kuoh High-School, specifically in the courtyard before the building.
Something had happened that had caused the students to form a ring around a trio of people that seemed to defy any logic or sense.
The sight before them was worrying, unheard of, and quite frankly, most of the onlookers were utterly dumbstruck.
"How was your day, Xuelan?"
"Aha, boring, but I guess not too bad now." one of the new college transfer students, a beautiful chinese-looking girl answered while clinging to a boy's back.
"Umu, that's great to hear. How are you adjusting, Yubelluna?" The boy seemed relieved, and turned his attention to another college transfer student, a violet-haired onee-sama that looked like she had walked in from a movie or a pantheon.
"Oho, much the same, Momon-sama." The violet-haired girl reached to kiss the boy on the lips, causing the onlookers to pause to check if they hadn't fallen to a fever dream, after which the onlookers were utterly sure they had when the black-haired college student let a whine, turned the boy around, and kissed him as well.
"Girls, we're in the school grounds. Please control yourselves at least until we get home." The boy placed a hand on both the women's lips to halt them before they could start alternating kisses properly.
"Ehe, is that a promise, Mo~mon~ku~n?" The black-haired college girl giggled while drawing her words out with seductive pauses.
"Hm? Hold on... " The boy then turned towards the crowd that had formed around the trio, seemingly just realizing that a crowd had gathered around them. "Ah, please do not be disturbed by the show of intimacy just now. I do not wish to cause a scene, and neither does Xuelan-san nor Yubelluna san."
"...And what if we wanted to make a scene?" Xuelan pouted and wrapped her hands around 'Issei's waist from behind. "Ehe…"
"Sure… when we get home." 'Issei' turned 'down' the girl's physical interest, but it seemed that the promise was just turning the girl more and more 'on'.
"I-Issei has gone mad… no, this world has gone mad…" one of the onlookers, Matsuda, whispered while beside his kneeling co-pervert, Motohama.
"He has become a god! Issei has become a god!" Motohama prostrated towards 'Momon'.
"God!" Matsuda seemed to realize something and fell on his knees to prostrate as well. "He has ascended! Issei has become a deity of boobs appreciation and seduction!"
"Teach me your ways, senpai!" Motohama practically cried, drawing not insignificant amounts of disgusted stares from the girls in the crowd.
Momonga sighed internally as the crowd of onlookers kept staring at him and the two women that had ambushed him. He completely ignored the two boys who seemed to be suffering some sort of existence-failure.
'Was Issei really that interesting? That pretty much the entire school would stop what they were doing just to stare at him talking to someone?' Momonga finally just gave up trying to find a way to prevent a scene, so he just turned towards the two women and did his best to imagine that the three weren't surrounded by a gobsmacked crowd. "I was planning on waiting for the rest of the group so we can go home together. Want to wait with me?"
"Sure, we're living in the same house after all." Yubelluna seemed to enjoy the ripples her words caused across the students, who looked as if their worlds had been turned upside down. "Can't have your wife or her girlfriend walk home without an escort."
"Ah, in addition I've found a new member for our 'group'." Momonga noted, ignoring the whispers around them. "Gasper-san will be joining us in the same, hm, role as Asia."
"Oho?" Yubelluna reached to stroke Momonga's cheek. "My, you work fast."
Normally 'Suzuki Satoru' would step in and advice Momonga to avoid making the scene worse for displaying public affection, but the original persona was currently lying shirtless on its face in the wasteland of Momonga's mind beside a equally shirtless Peroroncino-plushie, as the two had fought like lions and passed out like kittens in exhaustion when the issue of Gasper's gender had popped up. Not to mention that the two women had already kissed him in the broad daylight.
Thus, there was only Touch Me-plushie to advise Momonga, as 'Momonga' persona was thoroughly unsuited for any kind of interaction that didn't involve killing, plotting, researching or roleplaying.
So, Momonga reached towards Yubelluna, placed a hand behind her neck, and kissed her cheek.
Polygamy was something the knight-like plushie didn't approve, but if Touch Me-plushie was forced in the situation, then dammit it was going to make Momonga's version the best and happiest polygamy there was!
The simple, innocent interaction was somehow enough to cause the violet-haired woman to blush, which was quite impressive considering the interactions between the two during the last night.
"Ohoho? Finally taking the initiative?" Yubelluna seemed to recover with impressive speed and turned the tables. "Oho, ohohohooo… I look forward to the future. Perhaps if I tease you a bit more you'll break out of your passiveness, and you'll ravage me tonight to the point I can't even think?"
The sound of breaking glasses could be heard from prostrating Motohama's direction.
"MOMON-SAN!" An angry shriek caused the entire courtyard of students to jump and shake off their stupor. The whole crowd turned to see a petite blonde girl stomp her way to the trio, and hug Momon so she was between the boy and the two women. "W-what are these women doing to y-you?!"
"Ah, it's alright. They're actually my, umu… lovers… umu, anyway. Yubelluna, Xuelan, this is Gasper. Gasper, this is Yubelluna and Xuelan, and all of you are part of my, umu, peers." Momonga patted the 'girl's' head while glancing at the crowd around them, causing the two women to pause a bit.
"Oho… you work really fast." Yubelluna chuckled. "Well then, hi, Gasper-chan. You're super cute!"
"Nnnh…" Gasper seemed to notice that the eyes of everyone in the crowd surrounding them were on 'her' and 'she' buried her face in Momonga's chest to keep 'herself' from suffering a panic attack.
"Um, Gasper, should I tell them about you, er, about, you know…"
"...Fine…"
"Right, Gasper is actually a man." Momon whispered to Yubelluna and Xuelan, making sure to lower his voice so no-one but the two heard him.
"EEEH?" escaped the two women, and Momonga sighed while patting the half-vampire.
Yubelluna blinked as she combined the information with Momona patting the 'boy', and she sprouted a blush while waving her hand at her face to fan it. "Ohoho… My, I didn't think you'd swing both ways… my, my, my, this is quite the revelation. Oho… This is going to ~be~fun~"
"Um, that issue is still very much under debate… Anyway… ah, you're here." Momonga glanced to the side and saw Yuuto, Koneko, Asia and Ravel approach them, albeit Koneko was looking like she'd rather not, and Ravel looked as if the whole place and the very concept of being walked home was below her.
"Greetings, Momon-san." Yuuto nodded at 'Issei', causing a chorus of murmurs to escape from the crowd of girls around them, mostly centered around the group. He listened in on the whispers a bit, and then wished he hadn't.
"Yuuto-sama knows Issei? And they have a cordial relationship? Issei must have found something to extort him with..."
"No, Yuuto-sama, don't become seduced by the evil of the perverts- I'll let you look if you want to, don't fall to their evil!"
"Issei must be blackmailing those transfer students and that blonde girl, how despicable…! Should we report this to the police?"
"That's Asia, the cute transfer student… I heard she was a nun before coming here, is Issei forcing himself on her?! Heresy! Exterminate!"
"It seems that this place is getting quite noisy." 'Momon' sighed. "I swear, it's as if the people in here haven't seen a man and a woman talk to each other before…"
"...It's because hentai is perverted." Koneko grumbled quietly, causing Momonga to lift his eyebrow at the girl. "The only way a girl would talk to hentai if he was blackmailing them…"
"Ah." Momonga blinked as the pieces fell into place. Although he wasn't happy about it. Still, he wouldn't fault Koneko for speaking the truth. "Ah, that makes sense. Good thinking, Koneko-san, thanks!"
"..." Koneko looked like she wasn't happy from being thanked. Instead she just leveled a flat stare at Gasper. "...Gasper-kun ...What?"
"Momon-san sealed my power." Gasper explained happily. "I don't kill people by being around them anymore!"
"Is that girl for real? Did she just say…"
"...Uwah, she's a chuuni…"
It looked like Gasper realized that the crowd's whispers were about him, and blushed while burying his head into 'Momon's chest again.
"Only concern yourself with the opinions of people who concern yours." Momonga told Gasper while resuming patting 'her' head. "I was planning on waiting for Rias-san and Akeno-san, but we might want to relocate somewhere else as it seems like the crowd around us is an instigator away from turning to a riot."
"...Makes sense." Yuuto glanced around. "Although, you might want to clarify a few things to people around us before we go, otherwise I feel like we might be intercepted on our way out."
"True." Momonga turned to face the crowd. "Please do not concern yourselves with us. I came into contact with the people around me after an incident that caused me long-term amnesia. I've changed my name to Momon, and I have been adopted to a different family. In addition I've married and have three other consenting lovers, so please do not spread rumors about blackmail or some such nonsense. Furthermore, while I understand my actions with Xuelan-san and Yubelluna would appear inappropriate in public, please cease your proofless accusations towards us. Our personal lives are ours, and not yours, and vice versa. Thank you."
"Pfft." Yubelluna stifled her giggles as the crowd around them turned to stone while the two prostrating boys, Matsuda and Motohama, passed out on the courtyard.
"I knew it… I knew it... " A long-suffering voice entered the sudden silence, and Momonga turned to look at Rias and Akeno who were walking towards the group, with Akeno only barely managing to hide her amusement and Rias taking shaky steps as if she was waiting for the ground to shatter below her at any moment. "Momon… what… did… you… do…"
"I merely socialized with my, hm, peers and clarified some things to the student body." Momonga offered his hand to Rias, and she took it almost reflexively, gripping it with desperate strength.
Momonga blinked as he heard the wet crunch of bones breaking in his hand from the strength of Rias's desperate grip. "Um, Rias, dear, could you loosen your grip a bit?"
"Dear? DID he just…"
"No, way, that pervert is dead."
"He just… argh, I'm going to kick his ass for touching Rias-oneesama! Just you want, I'll gather the whole girl's kendo club and..."
The grip tightened and Rias's face paled while her mouth opened slightly.
'...What did I do?' Momonga sighed internally as he read the cues and combined them with his previous 'interactions' with Xuelan and Yubelluna, and came to a conclusion. 'She must have overseen us, and is jealous… well, I can't blame her.'
Momonga nodded internally and took the initiative by stepping forward and kissing Rias on the lips, causing her grip to suddenly slack. '...Well, that's one mystery solved… [Silent Magic: Stitch]... '
He felt as the broken bones in his hand snapped back together, glad that she only broke the bones and not skin as the necromantic 'patching' spell would mend bones without side-effects, but any flesh-based 'mending' would leave horrible scarring.
Rias seemed to be completely stunned as 'Momon' pulled back. "Well then, shall we go home, my dear wife?"
Rias stared at Momonga, opened her mouth, closed it, and then nodded numbly while taking a step towards the school's gate in 'Momon's tow.
The stunned students around them moved from their way like a sea being parted before a religious, or monstrous figure.
Akeno could no longer hold it, and burst into ominous giggles that caused Momonga to flinch internally. '...She's not happy. I guess I should have expected that…'
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"Are you absolutely sure that you're correct?"
A shaky nod.
"You didn't mis-type the name to the locator?"
A shakier nod.
"Are you absolutely, not-jokingly, certain this is the place?"
"W-well, the city's locator agent insisted that this place belonged to 'Issei Hyoudou' who had changed his name to 'Momon' just earlier today, and had m-married, so his last name is 'Phenix'..." Irina Shidou stammered out while she looked at her phone. "U-um… I didn't know he had married... "
"It must have come as a shock to you, right?" Xenovia Quarta sighed. "He was your childhood crush, so I don't really have a say in this, but.. we don't have to try to meet him if it hurts you…"
"N-no, I want to, um, at least see him…" Irina blushed. "A-at least we can bless his marriage to be eternal and happy, right?"
"Right…" Xenovia looked at the gated mansion, before which the two girls clad in traditional nun outfits stood.
She had rung the bell a few times already but it seemed that the servant staff of the place was either not present, or the estate was empty of people. It seemed odd, since estates of that size would likely have at least a warden or a rotation of full-day service staff. "Speaking of which, what kind of family is this 'Phenix'? There's a devil family by that name, but I seriously doubt Issei-san has married one of those things, if not only because there's no way one of those monsters would actually marry a human."
"I… I hope not…" Irina mumbled, and Xenovia placed her hand on the blonde girl's shoulder. She knew Irina was likely thumbing the transformed shape of the Excalibur Mimic that had been entrusted to the girl, the shapeshifting blade that was currently taking the form of a wide paracord-like string tied around her arm.
"We aren't here to start a war with the devils. There's a truce, remember? We can't exactly barge into one of their nobility's estates and start slaughtering everyone." Xenovia warned the girl. "I don't like it either, but… well. Agreements and rules, and stuff. Anyway, it looks like no-one's home, so perhaps we should try again tomorrow?"
Before Irina could respond, however, a red light flashed behind the pair and the two turned around while placing their hands on their transformed weapons.
A group of people had teleported behind the two Exorcists, causing Xenovia to curse under her breath.
"Whoa, your teleportation magic is quite impressive, Rias."
The red-headed girl grumbled something under her breath as the boy who had spoken released the girl's hand, and a red devil magic circle dispersed from under the group.
"Ah… Greetings?" The boy continued, this time directing his words to the two Exorcists who nearly drew their weapons after realizing the group was made of Devils, likely in the shape of a full Peerage.
The Peerage, sans the brown-haired boy, seemed to instantly realize who the two girls before the gate were as their expressions turned calculating or cold upon seeing them.
The two older women in the group stepped forwards and to the side of the group, clearly intending to cut off the escape routes of the two Exorcists.
Xenovia made the connection with the name the boy had spoken as she stared at the red-headed female devil, and lowered her hand which had almost drawn her Excalibur Destruction.
She realized that she was standing before Rias Gremory, the sister of the reigning Maou of the Underworld, Sirzechs Lucifer.
"Greetings, devils." Xenovia ground out, realizing she needed to be diplomatic. "I wonder why you'd seek us out at this hour? Are you perhaps planning on breaking the treaty between our respective factions? We have already reported our pre..."
"I-Issei-kun?" Irina's hollow tone caused Xenovia to flinch, and she spared a quick glance at the blonde girl who looked as if her life had been pulled from her. "W-why are you… with those things?"
"Ah, excuse me, but I feel that I should clarify something… again… before we continue. I'm not 'Issei' anymore, miss, but 'Momon'. I suffered amnesia a few days ago and lost most of my long-term memories." Issei Hyoudou clarified with a clear and calm voice, seemingly completely oblivious to the fact he was standing between two Exorcists and a group of devils, moments before violence would erupt should either side make a move.
It seemed that the boy was completely oblivious to Irina's rapidly deteriorating mental state which, seemingly, only Xenovia noticed.
"That being said, perhaps you two would join us for tea? We've just left school and if you were friends of 'Issei', it would be rude of me to turn you away from my home. What's this treaty you mentioned?" Issei continued before Xenovia could interrupt him.
"Y-you… you! YOU! YOU! RIAS GREMORY! YOU TURNED MY ISSEI INTO A DEVIL, AND TOOK HIS MEMORIES!" Irina screeched with a voice that curdled Xenovia's blood. "REND, EXCALIBUR MIMIC!"
The armband turned into a nodachi, a two-handed katana, and its shape clearly mimicked its wielder's thoughts as the blade was blood-red and cracked instead of its usual holy golden hue.
"AAH! GIVE HIM BAAAACCKKKK!" The girl screamed desperately as she flung herself to a battle against the red-headed devil and her Peerage, the red-head looking as lifeless as Irina had looked mere seconds ago.
'Oh no.' Xenovia cursed her carelessness as she realized that even if she didn't intervene, the devils would likely kill her after killing Irina for association. Not to mention that letting her comrade get killed while she sat by wouldn't fly with her, treaty or no.
So, with the option of a 'peaceful' approach gone, and realizing that unless she'd go all out there was high chance the two would die long before archiving their objective, she reached for her true weapon, performing a high-speed combat-chant to unseal the blade.
"...And in the name of the saint within this blade, I set you free! DURANDAL!"
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Momonga paused as he saw the holy weapon wielded by the blue-haired girl.
A blunt blade that deals bludgeoning damage.
And holy damage, if it's aura was anything to go by.
In other words, a weapon purposefully designed to kill undead.
He felt more than a little worried about the prospect of facing it's wielder in combat, yet...
His collector's instincts tingled.
The rest of his Peerage, except Rias who seemed to suffer a mental breakdown, moved to intercept the two nun-looking girls and Momonga lifted his hand.
"[Triplet Maximize magic: Grand Fireball]!"
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