Chapter 144: Chapter 144: Survivor’s Guilt
If you want to support me check out my patréon at https://www.patréon.com/athassprkr
I tend to upload drafts of early chapters on there to get people's opinions of them so you can read up to 20 chapters ahead as a bonus.
I would like to thank my beta, Akisu, for his help in this chapter.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
1 September 1993, Hogwarts Express
Harry honestly didn't know what to expect. His interactions in the past two years with the Longbottom scion indicated that the boy probably wanted to hex him or play some kind of stupid prank.
The entire thing was already complicated enough. Had his mother or Harry's mother been alive, they would have been raised together, as brothers. In a way, he was happy that they didn't grow up in the same household. It wouldn't have been easy to live next to a boy as spoilt as he was.
It was expected really, to have a boy raised as a heroic figure, famous for something that happened before he could even walk, famous for his parents dying. It would have given anyone a big head. Neville Longbottom was a hero and that was something the entirety of magical Britain agreed on.
Honestly, it was a miracle that his head wasn't even bigger. It probably had to do with Augusta Longbottom's discipline more than anything else. But it wasn't enough for him to grow into a stable human being. He obviously thought that everyone owed him something because he allegedly saved them. The public didn't seem inclined to deny him anything.
The boy had literally built his entire identity to be this heroic figure, and it was obvious with the way he kept attacking the Slytherins – or mini-Death Eaters in the boy's mind. Harry had gleaned these characteristics in the first few months of school, and that was the reason why he never even attempted to grow any kind of amicable relationship with the boy who lived.
The only positive contact they ever had was in the Chamber of Secrets, which he fooled Neville into thinking it was an illusion or a hallucination. He regretted that part of the plan. It was cruel to the boy, but the benefits outweighed the possible damage to the ego of an already arrogant child.
But the boy in front of him just looked different. He didn't have this entitled air he always held; he didn't think he was better. He just looked different, and that made Harry curious.
He nodded, "Fine," and then turned to his friends, "I'll be back in a couple of minutes."
The young Gryffindor's eyes widened in surprise at his agreement to his proposal. So were Harry's friends for that matter. But they knew long ago that he knew what he was doing and so, did not show any sign of protest.
Harry followed the Longbottom scion out of the compartment to one with a single surprising occupant, Luna Lovegood. When did they even meet?
The blonde girl waved her hand excitingly, "Oh, hey Harry. Did you have a great summer?"
"Yes. It wasn't too bad. What about yours?" he asked mechanically, his mind still trying to process how Luna and Neville met.
"My dad had to reschedule the Sweden trip because of how news-heavy this summer was, so we didn't get to go on our annual Crumple-Horned Snorkack hunt. That was a shame. I had fun at home, though."
Harry nodded and smiled indulgingly at the girl. He had really grown to like her during the past year. Even after he had gotten rid of Riddle, they still hung out a few times a week, where he mostly tutored her. She was a very curious girl and had some nice insights. She would be a great researcher if she ever chose to pursue that profession, but her love of magical creatures meant that she was probably going to follow Newt Scamander's footsteps and become a magizoologist.
With a questioning look on his face, the last Potter turned towards the boy who lived who shrugged, "Mrs. Weasley invited me to wipe the slate clean with Ron. It wasn't a good idea and I ended up meeting Luna there. She was nice."
"Yes, she is," Harry replied, "So, what do you want?"
The boy took a deep breath like he was getting something off his chest. Harry patiently let him hype himself up, "Look. I know I haven't been the most understanding guy when it came to you, or in general for that matter. As you know, the last year was rough. It was mostly my fault. Looking at it objectively helped me realize how much I have been messing up. Breaking that statute of secrecy for missing a train was dumb, and so was breaking into the Slytherin common room using Polyjuice. Interrogating you and Malfoy while impersonating his friends was irresponsible, and I know that I haven't been punished properly for my actions. I never really thought about it. The punishments. I just thought that they were just the professors being mean. After Quirrell, I think I just thought that I was meant to be the hero, that I would be the one to solve the mystery of the Chamber of Secrets. But now, I realize that I really should have gone to the professors. I really shouldn't have thought so much of my capabilities. If I did, maybe Hermione wouldn't…"
Harry gave him a pitying look, "Hermione's fate is not your fault. It never was your fault. You didn't give her the Diary. You didn't make her write in it. You didn't trap her inside. You didn't curse her. You didn't do anything wrong."
And Harry was being sincere when he said that. Neville Longbottom had done nothing wrong when it came to Harry's confrontation with Riddle. By the time they arrived in the chamber, Hermione was already gone. There was nothing either of them could have done to stop that.
What happened to the muggleborn was a tragedy, one that Harry wished had never happened. Riddle bragging that the girl's utopian existence involved him being friends with her did not help matters. He honestly wished he could help her in any way. Alas, he didn't even have enough information about soul magic to even attempt something like this and the entire field of magic was banned practically everywhere in the world. Perhaps his crest would help, but so far, it didn't unlock any information about soul magic.
He was going to leave the Unspeakable to try to figure it out for now, and he would try to help if he ever had access to the magical knowledge required to do so.
Hermione Granger's fate was an accident. She was a naïve girl who trusted something she shouldn't have, fell into the sweet world of a two-faced monster, and was taken advantage of. She was a child. She might have had irritating qualities, but she was a child, nonetheless.
She never got to experience the real world, and it wasn't anyone's fault. It wasn't Harry's, and it definitely wasn't Neville's. Alas, the boy didn't seem to agree with him on this point, "No! It is my fault. I should have seen it. She was acting odd. She disappeared on me and Ron all the time. I should have known that something was wrong."
The boy took a deep breath to calm down, "She had my back even when the entire school already assumed that I was guilty. And I couldn't even protect her…"
"It wasn't your responsibility to protect her."
The boy laughed harrowingly, "My grandmother told me the exact same thing. But it doesn't change that I lost her. And Ron, but he was never really my friend, was he? He was the boy who lived's friend, not Neville Longbottom's. I can see that now."
"Some people will always try to use you because of your status in society. Your grandmother must have warned you about that before you went to school."
He nodded sheepishly, "I guess she did. But I didn't listen. I never really had to deal with any of that. My grandmother always used illusions to hide me when I was younger during our trips out of the manor. I guess the whole Hero of Magical Britain thing went to my head. I was always pressured, you know, to be the hero. But it's not like I could have topped beating Voldemort, could I? I guess, this is why I always jumped into every adventure I could have had."
"So, what changed?" Harry asked.
"I took a long look at myself, and I didn't like what I saw. I realized that I wasn't someone my parents would have been proud of. The stupid fights with you, breaking the rules as if they weren't even there. What happened to Hermione just made me think back at everything that I ever did. I guess, this is just me taking a step in the right direction."
Harry gave him a slight grin, "I'm happy for you Neville and that's all well and good. But you didn't bring me here just to say that stuff, did you?"
Neville's face took a deep look, "I guess I got a little off-track. I'm a bit nervous. But the thing is that the first step to being better is to make amends for the bad things I did before. At least, that's what my grandmother told me. So, this is me just apologizing to you for everything. For the way I treated you, for the way I called you names, for always thinking that you're a suspect just because you're a Slytherin. Apparently, Gryffindors could be assholes too. Ron and McLaggen proved that last year. What I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry."
The last Potter just stared at the boy with widened eyes. Of all the things he thought Neville would say, he didn't expect that. He turned towards Luna who nodded her head. Damn, the boy was serious about this.
Harry wasn't petty enough to hold grudges, especially when they were done by a young boy who just didn't know better. He had a philosophy that, if he didn't like someone, he would just leave. The only thing that pissed him off what the fact that there were some people he didn't like who actually got out of their way to go after him. If the Longbottom scion really wanted to make amends, he didn't really inconvenience Harry enough to make a big deal out of it. And if Luna vouched for him…
He just smiled and nodded at the boy, "Alright, I accept your apology. We're good."
Harry motioned to turn and leave, but was stopped by the boy who lived yelling, "Wait!"
He stopped and looked Neville in the eye, who started to shift slightly, "Is there something else?"
"Yes. I guess there is. I just wanted…. I wanted to say that in the chamber, in my illusion. You were the one who coached me. Even when we hated each other, I pictured you, of all people, helping me, giving me plans and information about that monster I fought. It was all a lie, of course, but I chose you to be there for me. We were friends there and it clicked. I just wanted to say… I wanted to ask if there was any way we could start over. Forget about the last two years and pretend we just met. I guess I never let go of my dream of you being my friend, huh."
The boy was over-analyzing his dream, trying to make sense of an illusion. It was a shame that it really did happen. This wasn't some kind of enlightenment. The boy had survivor's guilt over what happened to Hermione, and he obviously needed some support. He was trying to rationalize events that Harry planned.
The only reason Neville was even involved was because he was a Parselmouth and Harry needed that. There was also the fact that his prophecy made him an easy weapon to use against the Basilisk. He was just the insurance but if he hadn't been able to speak Parseltongue, none of this would have happened. Hermione would have been found alone with the cursed Diary, and that would have been it.
He couldn't help but feel guilty about the way he traumatized the boy with the reveal that his heroic actions were not real. He had literally shattered Neville's identity just to get one over Dumbledore and keep his involvement a secret from everyone.
He was tempted to say no, to wash his hands of the boy who lived and the danger he presented. But there was this desperation in his tone, and Harry decided to use his Arcane Hearing to cheat a bit.
His magic was more pronounced and more detailed, but it was agitated. Harry could tell that it was slowly going on a downward spiral. There was a side of him that he kept locked up, that he didn't acknowledge, was waiting to emerge. It was just full of pain, of regret, of suffering and anger. He was one bad day away from a breakdown.
This was the damage Harry had caused with his stunt with Neville. And he was amused while doing it. And wasn't that a wake-up call? He was responsible for this, and he had to deal with the consequences.
It might have been a decision made out of guilt, out of self-preservation, out of pity, but he was going to stick with it.
He nodded, "Fine. We'll talk more in the castle, but I really have to go back to the compartment."
The relieved smile Harry got in return did not make him feel any better for the rest of the day.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
AN:
Before any of you say anything, Harry and Neville aren't going to suddenly become the best of friends. Neville feels alone and betrayed by his friends, and decides to mature (There's also something special that I'm planning this year that needed this), and Harry just feels guilty about the impact of his gaslighting Neville. They would be friendly acquaintances at best, and Harry's guilt would be a driving factor in their relationship (Which never really works out well when that's the basis of anything). The idea is that they would both be starting over. It's essentially character development on Neville's part because of the trauma of losing his friends and realizing that the identity he built himself is a lie.
Don't worry, this is the last chapter before Hogwarts. I just needed to set a few things up before the term could start officially.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to support me check out my patréon at https://www.patréon.com/athassprkr
I tend to upload drafts of early chapters on there to get people's opinions of them so you can read up to 20 chapters ahead as a bonus.
Thank you guys for your support in these hard times.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone