Chapter 71: Fear
The comforter felt heavy and ticklish against my skin. As I woke up, the room was infused with a familiar scent, his. His clothes lay forlorn on the carpet on my side, white over a pool of maroon-red synthetic. It's funny how it could almost be misinterpreted had the shade been slightly different. I couldn't take my eyes off it for a short second as if the view was so dazzling. The moment of realization hadn't hit me yet. When the other side of the bed shifted and a hand ornated with trinkets alighted close to me, clasping the blanket lightly, it did. The owner was mumbling something. I couldn't quite hear. Then it silenced down, leaving me a story prompt to engage my brain in contemplation.
Last night, I was with Jimin.
And...
I shifted in a jiffy to take a look at the face. Even while sleeping, the way his soft hair embellished the frame of his face could cause even a dead heart to skip a beat or two. The aura he permeated allowed few people to feel they belonged with him. I wasn't one of those few. And right now, I shouldn't have been one of the few either.
"Damn it," I muttered, although it came out louder than that. The man twitched his lips in his sleep and rolled over to the other side.
"Why him? Why did it have to be him?"
My absolute fear was to be close to him, let alone whatever could happen once we were close. And the titan of the situations that could've happened arrived, and the morning past it also came by when the sun rose like it was meant to happen, it was meant to be like this.
No.
It couldn't be.
And it couldn't be reversed.
Moreover, beyond everything else, I shared my most vulnerable side with him, a man who was my enemy. And he could use it against me whenever he would like.
This was an absolute disaster.
How do I recover from this?
Should I kill him here right now?
I looked at his face. The skin on his neck looked so soft and seamless. A patch of five narrow marks of murderous fingers would be like a storytelling painting on that. if I strangled him right then and there, then...
"You know you can't do it," I said.
"You don't know if you can do it, ever." My brain replied back to me.
I picked up my phone and checked on the notifications. Renee's message popped above everything else. After the shower of apologies she thought she needed to deliver foremost, she said-
You will be leaving tomorrow, right? Could you come over to my house today, if possible? I know what happened can never mend what has broken between us, yet then, if not them, at least me, please give me a chance. You are still one of my best friends.
I sighed and pondered whether I should give a reply.
But before anything else, I needed to get out of there first.
I picked up my stuff and dashed for the door. With the impact, the blanket over the bed tagged along with my motion. His phone started to ring at the same time. Jimin's eyes flickered open.
"Where are you going?"
He woke up. Damn it...
Pretending to be the most oblivious girl that could exist on this planet, I smiled sheepishly, "I...I need to go freshen up. See you later."
"Wait."
His hand traveled from under the blanket, warm from the coziness, and touched mine. He slowly brought himself up and leaned against the bed. I stared at him, not sure what he wanted to do, just waiting for what he told me to wait for. He slowly caressed my fingertips, leaning for a kiss on my backhand. Something shivered inside me at the touch.
"Can't you stay for a little while longer?"
"..."
He cupped my shoulders lightly, going for a kiss on my bare collarbone. My face flushed red with how close he was. Before I knew it, I was stammering.
"I-I need to go."
I needed to get my impervious countenance back. To me, yes to you, Y/N, he was nothing. He could be nothing more than a pawn from the other side, that you needed to get rid of before he developed into a queen.
"Since today's off, you can go visit around. There are a lot of nice places. I have a few errands to run, so I shall be leaving first."
"Y/N?"
I stopped. He probed me with his eyes full of arcane expression like he was trying to read me. I couldn't allow him to understand me, so I brought forward a nonchalant but beaming smile, "Yes?"
It worked. He appeared more confused than before. I should keep this act on until I could escape the room and think over what I should be doing next to prevent the aftereffects of what happened yesterday.
"If you have nothing to say, I will leave then. I apologize."
"Wait."
This time, I didn't wait. I loped for the door. But I wasn't fast enough. He reached before I could and blocked my way, running me into the small space between him and the bed behind.
"Yesterday-"
"Don't worry about it."
"Huh?" He appeared as perplexed as a human could. I didn't need to untangle his state, I needed to act on it and get myself the leeway.
"Yeah, things happen. It shouldn't go out and reach the agency though, I might get fired, and you...if the scandal gets out even by any chance, that will cause incriminating damage to your reputation, as an idol. It's better we forget about this."
"Forget about this?"
"Yeah. Doesn't that sound like the best solution? Now please, I have to go. If you could-"
"So everything that happened, it meant nothing to you?"
I clenched my fist.
"It...doesn't matter whether it meant anything to me or not. Pragmatically-"
"You opened up to me and we-"
"Yeah. I shouldn't have had. You had to sit and listen to my bunch of crap, I'm sorry. I will keep this a secret and act alright around others. We can just-"
"What are you saying?"
"Sit for a minute and take stock of what I say. You will understand. Now, if you please-"
His phone was still ringing.
"You should get that." I shoved him away from my path and opened the door.
"Jimin, I've been calling you for so long, how long will you sle-" Taehyung halted at the door. His eyes loomed big as he saw me exiting.
"Y/N, h-"
"Hi, Taehyung. Jimin's up." I left.
"This is how it's supposed to be. I did the right thing. And he should understand. We-" I halted,
"We were never meant to be anyways."
"Y/N! You came..." Renee looked so happy at first glance, then motleys of concern dappled her face. She stood not knowing what to say next, like whatever she prepared to tell when I arrived had jumbled into the deepest corner of her brain, leaving her with nothing to elicit now. I had to take the initiative and break the ice, with the friend who I had known for so long. The irony in that.
"It's great to see you. Again."
"I must have inconvenienced you by requesting you to drop by like this, since you work for such a busy group now..."
"What are you talking about? I could drop by and see your face thousand times a day," I sidled past the door and walked casually as if this was my second home. I needed to keep the act on her behalf, "I missed you the most of everyone else, Renee."
A fond smile flashed on her face, she was slowly catching up with feeling at ease, "Would you mind some tea?"
"Like a tea ceremony for the two of us? Sounds delightful."
"Let me get you some then."
We sat forth the balcony. The sky was dark like yesterday, a perennial shade of greyish blue engulfed it, the kind of shade that makes you feel lonely, yet at peace. Weather usually affected my mood quite evidently sometimes. About today, I didn't know how to feel. It wasn't working. I felt lonely, but not at peace.
I looked at Renee, "So...was there any specific reason you asked me to visit or..."
Renee fidgeted, "No, I just wanted to see you one last time before you left."
"Oh, okay...thank you for the tea. You remembered my favorite flavor. It smells nice."
Jasmine was my favorite back then. But now, I think I preferred black. It was her way of telling me how much of a best friend I was to her and that she still remembered my preferences, but she forgot to take into account the factor that we hadn't been in touch for several years. People grow up and they change a lot. Did she think I would be the same as before? Am I still the same me?
"You know, Y/N...what happened yesterday...I want to apologize on behalf of everyone...It shouldn't have been like this."
There was a reason why you invited me after all, "I don't dwell on what happened for long, Renee. It was meant to happen anyways. The test was just to see how long we could hold back what we really felt and keep smiling. I understand how Fiona feels. I don't know what I would have done had I been in her place."
"You know, the rest of us still feels the same about you. You are always welcome-"
"I know you all still welcome me the way you always used to, I-I'm really thankful for that, Renee, I really am..." I didn't know why my voice suddenly cracked. My eyes didn't feel like tearing up, however, then why was I unable to articulate clearly? "But I don't know if I can...it still wrecks me inside and...every time I talk to you guys Fiona's words creep to me and I can't help but not feel like myself. If I have to smile, I have to fake it. No matter what, I am responsible for Anna's death-"
"Don't say that! You did whatever you could-"
"How do you know I did whatever I could?" I scorned, more like to myself, "You weren't even there. I was there, I was the main character, even then I don't know if I really gave my all to...save her."
Renne went silent. She pressed my hands to comfort me.
"You don't have to be so hard on yourself. Why don't you just keep it aside for a moment and live with us, happily, onward? You deserve to be happy, Y/N, like the rest of us."
"That's the reason I left this country for another in the first place, Renee. I can try and run away, but Fiona didn't, maybe couldn't. I don't know how she feels, it wasn't me who lost a sister-" I stopped.
"But you lost your dearest friend. That's still a scar, relatively big enough to compare to hers."
Was it? I couldn't help but smile bitterly. I jerked my head, to brush it all off and smiled, "You know what? Why are we even talking about this? I am leaving tomorrow anyway. It's just for the best if we pass today too in oblivion and as you said, live happily onward."
I wasn't going to come back sooner anyways to relive these memories. All I could was run away. That's the task I was best at. Like I did just in the morning today.
Renee appeared unsure. She probably had more to say. She was quick to procure a smile, abiding by my prompts.
"You know how you always used to wait for me in the front yard every day before going to school and how I was-"
"Always late, yes miss. You were such a pain in the ass all the time. Yikes."
She laughed, "You were no less either though. You still waited for me every time even so. Why did you?"
"Guess I was worried you would be a social recluse and have no one to be your friend if it wasn't for me. I had to make you be seen with me in the public eye to prove to them that you are not. Walking you to school was that step."
"Sheesh. You are so full of yourself."
"Sucks to be you that you are so insecure inside."
She made a sassy face and punched me on the arm, laughing, "Y/N-ah, when's your flight tomorrow?"
"Around afternoon, why?"
"Why don't you stay the night in my house? You can sleep in the guestroom, or share with me."
"Oof, little princess who never shares anything with anyone wants to share a room with me, sus."
"You can sleep on the floor."
"You sleep on the floor."
We laughed and bantered on. Maybe even if I preferred black tea now, Jasmine reminded me to go back and sip the flavor once in a while, to recall how I used to be, how I should be.
I wish I could do all these without the impending curse of guilt in my mind. But for some reason, the pinching thoughts worked less. I felt less melancholic, less self-loathe. Why? What had changed inside me?
Jimin's thoughts flooded instead. Half of the thoughts conjured his image, his words from last night. Was it working? What he said, was it really effective?
I was getting ready for sleep. The night outside was still alive, but my body felt tired. I needed to get some sound sleep. Renee seemed to notice that somehow and made sleeping arrangements for me early, even before I asked.
"Thanks a lot for letting me stay. I hope I'm not causing too much trouble."
"You are a walking trouble, but eh, I don't mind."
I sneered and got ready for bed. My eyes ambled outside to the parting old palisades surrounding the backyard. The security system of their house seemed lax. There was a security camera in the front, but other than that, nothing else. If someone wanted to rob their house, it would've been really easy to do so.
"You should fix the gate, Renee. You shouldn't be cautious about the security of your living."
"There's barely ever any criminal activity in the neighborhood. I will get it fixed in no time, don't worry."
"Yet then, you shouldn't be too carefree. You don't know what might happen and when. Does the security camera work properly?"
"Properly comes later. It doesn't work, broke down yesterday."
"What?"
"The kid next door was playing, he smashed it with his stupid ball. His mom apologized and said she will pay to get it fixed. I will call for maintenance tomorrow, I guess."
"I see...Get things fixed soon, okay?"
"Don't be too worried, miss. I am stronger than I appear. Even if a thief comes to steal you off, I can whoop more asses than you think."
"I sure hope so that you can. I will go to sleep now. Goodnight."
"Nighty night, sweet dreams, Y/N."
"Same to you."
I slathered myself down on the soft bed. In the end, I was made to settle into the guest room since Renee was embarrassed with how untidy her room was for a guest. I never knew she cared for this stuff ever. Even so, having the room to myself felt good. Renne could be too chatty sometimes.
I closed my eyes to drift off to sleep. Inside me, something was slowly ticking, like a premonition. It was uncomfortable. I was no clairvoyant, like ever. Why was I feeling like this?
I don't know how many hours had passed with me sleeping before I woke up in a trice. Something felt off.
What was it?
I got up and headed outside the room. Nothing was out of place. The silence was how it was supposed to be. Except...
I heard small chitter chatters nearby soon. It was near the living room. Sounded like Renee and someone was talking.
A female voice? No. As I walked closer, more prominent it became. It wasn't a whisper, but rather loud enough, firm, and dominating, like a threat. And it wasn't one voice, one appeared after another - two - three - there's Renee's voice, her mother's too? - aside from theirs, five -
When the sixth voice appeared, it all appeared too familiar. Familiar to cause me to be scared enough.
"You don't have much time left in your hand, milady. If you don't know, your mother must know. Tell us where it is, and we will be kind enough to let you go."
A voice that didn't sound like it meant what is said. The owner wasn't planning to let them go in the first place.
Strong, raspy, a melody that could growl and yet be suitable for opera music.
I was still unsure. What my deduced values were telling me could be too presumptuous.
"I-I don't know what you are talking about. M-my father, mom?"
Renee's mom replied in staggers, "My husband never stole anything of some sort that you are talking about. Please s-spare us!"
"Bae Su Kyung was a cunning man indeed. To have his family hidden here like this for this long, he was quite artful. No wonder his lifespan turned out to be too long before he died for the deceptive man he is-" I heard the sound of guns loading, some shuffles. Even without seeing, I could envision the slow lift of the gun toward the two figures.
"I will give you one minute to mull over it. Decide wisely. It wouldn't be much of a hassle even if we didn't get what we wanted. Our prime task was to get rid of you two. Only if you gave us what we asked for, we could be considerate. Your minute starts now."
"I-I don't know what you are talking about! My father did no such thing! He was a diligent man, he worked hard for the government - " Renee yelled in fear at them.
"Tsk, government employee, huh? Doesn't it seem he earned too much as a government employee to allow you to live in a house like this? Of course, he could have been a corrupted little bastard, but, this is no time for debate. Forty seconds have already passed."
"Mom, let me distract them. You go call the police." Even from this distance, I could hear Renee's whispers clearly. How could they not?
"Alright. You have been testing my patience. Hyung, can you take care of this in my stead?" The anticipated sound of safety being removed arrived. I let out the breath I was holding in for so long even without realization.
This couldn't be.
Renee was in danger.
I needed to go. I had to save them.
I let my legs step faster to arrive at the scene of their own volition. I was flying. Renee's eyes widened in further fear, she was midway mouthing at me to not come, but it was late enough. I stood, before them, guarding them behind my stature like my life meant nothing. Just as I was arriving in my taut position, the voice I never hoped would arrive, did.
"Alright."
Mellifluous yet offbeat. Firm yet flowery. No one knew how about the assortment of feelings that always rushed into me every time I heard that voice. There was sadness, loneliness, nervousness, envy...and I got a new one this time. That I never felt for a reason before like the one right now.
Fear.
No. I was right in the first place. I just didn't want to be right.
It was them.
And the one who held my best friend at gunpoint now was the one who listened to me shedding my bluest tears not too long ago and said he would make me forget about everything.
Jimin...
Seeing you like this now, I was actually feeling...afraid of you?
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