Chapter 1: PILOT
"Kids!! Breakfast!!!" Claire yells from the kitchen. Phil enters in workout clothes "Phil, would you get them please,"
"Yeah, just a sec," He walks over to the fridge which is behind Claire, opens it, takes something out, and doesn't close the door.
"Kids!!" Claire yells again. She picks up a bowl of cereal and turns around hitting the open fridge door and dropping the bowl in the process.
"Kids, get down here," Phil calls out.
"Why are you guys yelling at us when we're way upstairs?" Haley walks in busy with her phone and wearing a short skirt. "Just text me,"
"All right, that not gonna happen," She sees what she's wearing, "and, wow, you're not wearing that outfit,"
"What's wrong with it?" Haley asks. Claire hands her some toast.
"Honey, do you have anything to say to our daughter about her skirt?" Claire asks.
Phil looks up from his phone and at Haley, "Sorry. Yeah, that looks cute, sweetheart,"
Haley smiles at the compliment, "Thanks,"
"No, it's way too short," Claire tells her, "people know you're a girl. You don't need to prove it to them,"
"Luke stuck his head in the banister again," Alex says matter of fact as she walks in and heads for the fridge.
"I got it," Phil says as he starts walking away, "where's the baby oil?"
"It's in our bedside..." She stops herself from continuing that sentence, "I don't know find it,"
Alex takes the toast from her hand and walks away. Claire turns around and hits the open fridge door again. "Come on!"
{Interview}
"I was out of control growing up. There, I said it," Claire says sitting on the couch next to Phil. "I just don't want my kids making the same bad mistakes I made. If Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida half naked, I've done my job,"
"Our job," Phil corrects.
Claire nods, "Right, I've done our job,"
{End}
Gloria and Jay watch as Gloria's son Manny plays in a soccer game. Gloria paces around shouting instructions at Manny. Jay, dressed in a tracksuit, sits in a low folding chair, reading the paper.
"Vamos, Manny, kick it! Kick it! Don't let him-- kick it!"
The opposing player trips Manny.
"He tripped him! Where's the penalty?"
"Gloria, they're 0 and 6. Let's take it down a notch," Jay tells her.
{Interview}
"We're very different," Gloria says pointing to herself and Jay, "Jay's from the city, has a big business. I come from a small village, very poor, but very, very beautiful. It is the number one village in all Colombia for all the..." Gloria tries to remember how to say it in English. She turns to Jay, "What's the word?"
"Murders,"
"Jes, the Murders,"
{End}
An opposing player gets the ball. It's only Manny between him and the goal.
"Get the ball! Manny! Stop him! You can do it!" Gloria yells.
But Manny gets distracted by a pretty teenage girl riding by on a bicycle. The opposing player dribbles around Manny and scores. An uptight soccer mom approaches the coach, oblivious that Manny is Gloria's son.
"Come on, coach, you gotta take that kid out,"
Gloria wheels on her, "You wanna take him out?! How about I take you out?!"
"Honey, Honey..." Jay calls out but she ignores him.
"Why don't you worry about your son? He spent the first half with his hand in his pants,"
The soccer mom walks away mouthing a wow. Jay, having been through something like this before, shakes his head as a soccer dad approaches Gloria.
"I've wanted to tell her off the last six weeks," He turns to Gloria, "I'm Josh, Ryan's dad,"
Gloria shakes his hand, "Hi, I'm Gloria Pritchett, Manny's Mother,"
"And this must be your dad," Josh says referring to Jay.
"Her dad?" Jay says offended.
"Yeah,"
"No, no, that's funny. Actually, I'm her husband. Don't be fooled by the...." struggles to get up, "Just give me a second,".
~~~
Boarding passengers file down the aisle passing Mitchell, who holds on his lap an Asian baby girl, Lily. As various passengers pass they smile at the baby and wave.
"Oh, she's adorable," An old lady sitting opposite the aisle from Mitchell says.
"Thanks,"
"Hi, precious," She says waving at the baby.
Mitchell waves Lily's hand for her, "We just adopted her from Vietnam and we're bringing her home for the first time,"
"She's an angel." The next to Mitchell says, "You and your wife must be thrilled,"
"Sorry, sorry. Sorry," Cam walks over carrying a bunch of snacks. "Daddy needed snacks. The smile wears off of the man and old lady's faces.
Cam sits on the chair between Mitchell and the man, "So what are we talking about?"
{Interview}
"Ah... We have been together for five years now." He turns to Cam who nods at the statement, "And we just decided we really wanted to have a baby, so... We had initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate..."
Cam shakes his head before adding, "Then we figured, they're already mean enough. Can you imagine one of them pregnant? No, thank you,"
{End}
On the other side of the globe, two people are also boarding a private plane headed for Los Angeles, California.
Jennifer walks over to the bar and pours herself a cup of coffee. She walks back over to her seat.
"Didn't get much sleep last night?" Wanda asks looking up from her laptop.
"I spent most of it in the studio," She takes a sip. She places the cup on the table and opens her notebook where she writes her songs.
Wanda's eyes soften knowing that she does that when she's nervous.
{Interview}
"Losing my late husband, Jennifer's father was hard on us, especially my daughter. They both had a special bond," Wanda says giving a sad smile, "And now that we're going back to the place that holds so many memories of him is making her nervous."
"Let's hope that seeing the Dunphys again helps her calm down," she smiles remembering something, "Especially Haley. I remember them having a crush on each other," She chuckles, "Everyone knew except them,"
{End}
Luke has his head stuck between the railing. Phil rubs baby oil on the railing and on Luke's head.
"Why do you keep doing this?" Phil asks.
"I thought I could get out this time,"
"Okay, I'm just gonna say it. He needs to be checked by a specialist," Alex says as she crosses by.
Phil frees Luke's head, "There. Be free, Excalibur,"
Haley walks over, "I have a friend coming over today," she passes by Claire on the stairs.
"Who's coming over?" Claire asks.
"You guys don't know him," Haley tells her.
"Him?" Claire says clearly thrown.
"Ooooh, a boy... You gonna kiss him," Luke says making kissing noises.
"Shut up,"
Claire turns to Luke and Alex, "Okay, why don't you guys go outside for a little bit?"
"And do what?" Alex asks.
"Fight in the sun. It'll be a nice change," Phil tells her.
Alex and Luke exit to the backyard.
"So, who is this boy?" Claire asks trying to be casual.
"His name is Dylan. You know what, I might just tell him not to come because you guys are just going to embarrass me,"
"Sweetheart, you're 15 and it's the first time you're having a boy over, I'm bound to be a little surprised, but I'm not gonna embarrass you," Claire tells her.
"I'm gonna go charge the camcorder," Phil says.
"Uggggghhh,"
"I'm kidding, come on. Who are you talking to?"
{Interview}
"I'm the cool dad," Phil says, "That's my thing. I'm hip. I surf the web. I text. L-O-L "Laugh out loud. O-M-G "Oh my god". W-T-F "Why the face?". Umm, you know. I know all the dances to high school musical, so..."
Phil demonstrates a dance from high school musical as his mortified kids watch. "We're all in this together~ yes, we are, we're all stars, something, something, you know it~~"
{End}
"Mom! Dad!" Alex yells.
"What happened?" Claire asks.
"Luke just shot me,"
Luke runs in after with a BB gun, "I didn't mean to,"
"Are you okay?" Claire asks. She puts the laundry basket down and checks Alex's hand.
"No, the little bitch shot me,"
Phil chuckles while Claire is shocked"Language!"
"They're only plastic BBs. It was an accident,"
"What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun?" Claire reminds Phil. "Deal with this,"
"Buddy, uncool,"
"That's it? No, no, no, no the agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him," Claire says.
"We were serious about that?" Phil asks.
"Yes, we were. And now you have to follow through,"
Luke fake cries, "I'm so sorry,"
"Liar," Claire tells him and he stops. "Go,"
"He's got a birthday party,"
"What's more important here, dad?" Alex asks folding her arms.
"You can shoot him afterward. He'll be home at 2:00,"
"I'm showing a house at 2:00,"
{Interview}
"I'm not showing a house at 2:00," Phil admits, "I'm hiring some people to clean the Kendrick house. They're flying in today and meeting us at Mitch and Cam's house for dinner. No one else knows they're coming so it'll be a surprise,"
{End}
It's after the soccer game and Gloria and Manny are walking towards their car. Jay lags slightly behind.
"I'm quitting soccer. It is a game for children," Manny says.
"No, you're not quitting. You would have stopped that goal if you weren't staring at that little girl," Gloria tells him.
"She is not a girl, she is a woman,"
They enter the car and put their seatbelts on. Jay starts driving.
"You know Gloria. That whole blow-up with that mom. Why do you have to do something like that?" Jay asks.
"If somebody says something about my family I'm gonna...."
"I'm just saying you could take it down here a little bit. That's all," Jay says.
"Yeah, because that's where you live, down here! But I live up here!"
"You don't have to be so emotional all the time. Manny back me up," Jay says.
"I want to tell Brenda Felmen I love her,"
"Oh! For God's sakes,"
"Manny, she's 16," Gloria tells him.
"Oh, it's okay for you to take an older lover?" Manny asks sarcastically.
"Hey, watch it,"
"I wanna go to the mall where she works," Manny tells them, "But first, I need to get my white shirt, the silk one,"
"Okay, if that's what you really want to do," Gloria tells him.
"Seriously, not to be the evil stepdad, but if you put on a puffy, white shirt and declare your love for a 16-year-old, you're gonna be swinging from a flagpole in your puffy, white underpants,"
"Stop the car," Manny says.
Jay does and Manny jumps out.
"Where are you going?" he's already gone. She turns to Jay, "You see, you hurt his feelings,"
"Yeah, well, if it toughens him a little, then...," He notices something, "Oh, jeez, he's picking flowers,"
~~~~
The doorbell rings.
"Don't answer it, I'll get it," Haley calls out from upstairs.
Claire quickly crosses to the door and answers to find a tall, 17-year-old boy. "Hello, you must be Dylan,"
"Hey, Dylan, yeah,"
Haley rushes over and puts herself between her mom and Dylan.
"Hey, let's go," She grabs his hand and they head up the stairs.
"Hang on," Claire says grabbing Dylan by the sleeve, "Dylan, you're still in high school right,"
"Yeah, I'm a senior,"
Claire sees Phil walking over, "Phil this is Dylan and he's a senior. And you want to scare him," she whispers the last part.
"Sweet, let's meet this player," He offers a fistbump, "Phil Dunphy, yo,"
{Interview}
Phil stares intently at the camera saying nothing.... "It's like that. You just let the eyes do the work. Your mouth might be saying, "Hey, we cool,", but your eyes are saying, "No we're not,"
{End}
Phil starts to put on his 'intimidating' face, but he sees Dylan is several inches taller than him. Never losing eye contact, Phil steps up a few stairs so that now he's a little taller than Dylan.
"So you two have fun today, but keep it real, know what I mean?"
"No, not really," Dylan says.
"That's cool, that's...," To be even more intimidating, Phil steps up another step but loses his grip on the banister when it slips on some baby oil left over from freeing Luke. He awkwardly saves himself but hurts his back in the process.
"Oh boy, oooh. That's not good,"
"Honey?" Claire says concerned.
"You okay?" Dylan asks.
"Yeah, I'm--," He tries to stand straight, "-- no I'm not,"
Dylan caries Phil to the couch, holding him like a baby.
"Should I call the doctor?" Claire asks.
"No," Phil says, "You're very strong, homes,"
~~~~
Cam and Mitchell are sitting in the living room waiting for Mitvhell's family. Cam is holding Lily.
"I've got good reason to worry. I'm having flashbacks to when I told my family I was gay. My mom cried for a week and my dad still does this thing where he announces himself before walking into any room we're in to make sure he doesn't see anything," Mitchell rants.
"My parents always knew. My mother says she was in labor with me for 29hrs before I came out of the womb like this," He does a big wide-armed flourish.
The doorbell rings.
"Ugggghhhh, I don't think I can do this,"
"I'm giving you 3 minutes and then I'm bringing her out," Cam retreats for Lily's room.
Mitchell opens the door to reveal Claire, Phil, and the kids.
"Hey," Claire greets.
"Hey, guys,"
She hands him a bottle of wine.
"Oh! Thanks,"
"Don't thank me, just open it. Dad is right behind us,"
"Knock, knock," True to form Jay both knocks and rings the bell.
"Don't worry Dad Nothing gay going on in here,"
Jay enters with Gloria and Manny. Jay is wearing ripped jeans, a garish, very colorful jacket, and a jeweled Ed Hardy hat.
"May I take your multi-colored jacket and bejeweled hat," Mitchell says and Jay hands them to him.
The two families start exchanging greetings.
"What a beautiful dress," Phil tells Gloria.
"Thank you, Pheel," Gloria says and Phil starts feeling the dress. Claire slaps his hand away.
"Phil, that's how she says 'Phil'. Not 'feel'. 'Phil'," She tells him as she moves away from her.
"How was your trip!" Jay asks.
"It was good. It was good, actually. But about that, I have something that I want to tell you guys," Mitchell says checking behind him every second, "We didn't go to Vietnam for pleasure. We kind of have some big news,"
"Oh God, if Cam comes out here with boobs, I'm leaving," Jay says.
"Dad!" Claire exclaims.
"I hope he didn't embarrass you, Mom," Haley jabs at her.
"Don't mind her, Haley had her first boy over and Phil shot him," Claire explains.
"Anyways, so about a year ago, Cam and I started feeling this longing, for something more, like, maybe a baby."
"Whoa, that's a bad idea," Jay interrupts.
"What do you mean "bad idea"," Mitchell asks.
"Well, kids need a mother. I mean if you guys are bored, get a dog," Jay explains.
"Okay, we're not bored, dad,"
"I support you, Mitchell, even though you're not my son," Gloria says.
"I think what Dad is trying to say is, Mitchell you're a little uptight. Kids bring chaos, and you won't handle it well," Claire tells him.
"That's not what Dads saying. That's what you're saying. And it's insulting in a whole different way,"
"Okay, people. Let's all chillax," Phil says trying to be the voice of reason before his phone ding takes away his attention.
"Hey, where's Uncle Cam?" Alex asks.
"Thank you. Thank you. Someone who's not insulting me notices his not here,"
"Oh! So, that's the big Announcement? You two broke up," Jay says interrupting him again. "Well, a baby wasn't gonna help that anyway, and you know, let me tell you. You're a little better off because he was a bit of a drama queen,"
"No, no, no, no. Stop. Stop. You come into my house and you insult me and my boyfriend, who by the way is not that dramatic...,"
The lights dim and the Lion King's Circle of Life starts playing. Everyone turns. Cam enters holding Lily. In time to the music, he dramatically holds her up.
Mitchell gives up, "We adopted a baby. Her name is Lily,"
{Interview}
"This could not have a better timing. Wanda just texted me that they're a few minutes away," Phil smiles. "I guess everyone gets two surprises,"
{End}
"Exciting," Cam says.
"Just turn it off," Mitchell tells him
"I can't turn it off, it's who I am,"
"The music,"
"Oh, yes the music," He turns it off.
Everyone except Jay crowd around Cam and gush over Lily.
"Excuse me," Jay says gaining their attention, "Okay, I know that I said that this was a bad idea. But, what do I know? I mean, it's not like I wrote the book to fatherhood. I've been trying all my life to get it right. I'm still screwing up. Right, Manny?"
"I wrote a song about it in the car,"
"Of course you did," Jay says, "Anyways, I'm happy for you and you should know that I'm not here to spit in your face, I'm here to blow at your back,"
Everyone looks at him confused.
"It's supposed to sound better in Spanish,"
Just then the doorbell rings catching everyone's attention. Phil smiles.
"Were you expecting someone else?" Claire asks Mitchell who shakes his head.
Phil heads to the door and stands in front of it, "Okay, I know everyone is a little confused about who's behind this door," He grabs the handle, "So here's surprise number two,"
He opens it revealing Wanda and Jennifer.
"Surprise!"
Everyone is silent for a second before erupting into an excited uproar. Wanda and Jennifer took their time hugging everyone and catching up on how everyone was doing.
"This has been one hell of a night," Jay says with Lily in his arms, "Reuniting with old friends and the addition of a new family member,"
Everyone smiles at him, "I gotta admit I never thought I'd get a baby out of you two, " He looks down at Lily, "You're a cute little fortune cookie aren't you," he feels something, "Okay, that's wet some take her,"
"Here, Dad. I'll change her," Mitchell says taking her.
"Let me help," Claire says following him to Lily's room.
Mitchell and Claire enter and begin changing Lily's diaper.
"I can't believe Phil kept something this big from me, he's usually not good at keeping secrets," She turns to Mitchell, "And you how come you didn't tell me,"
"I don't know. Maybe I thought you'd try to talk me out of it,"
"I love how you see me as some huge busybody," She pushes him aside, taking over the changing, "I mean, yes, it's a big responsibility, it's gonna put a lot of pressure on you two that you may not be able to handle. What did mom say?"
"I haven't told her yet, but that was a good sneak preview,"
"So what do you know about her parents?"
"Not much. I just know her mother was 15,"
"Oh God," Claire says her mind going to Haley, "Well, she's gorgeous,"
"Thanks, I just hope...,"
"What?"
"I already love her so much... It's hard enough for any kid, let alone one with two dads. What if, when she gets older, she's ashamed of us,"
She hugs him, "Oh honey, don't be ridiculous. You're her parents. Of course, she'll be ashamed of you," She lets him go, "My kids are mortified of me. Which is pretty ironic considering Haley dresses like a hooker, Alex dresses like a lesbian, and Luke..."
~~~
In the living room, the whole family has gathered around a baby monitor on the table.
~~~
"...Luke can barely get his shoes on the right feet. And tell me you're not horrified dad and that huggy bear outfit that charo out there bought him. The point is, Lily is the luckiest little girl in the world, getting you two. So stop worrying,"
"All right,"
"Come on, we're all together. Let's go out there and enjoy this,"
They head back out to the living room.
~~~
As they enter, everybody stares at them unhappy.
"What?"
END OF CHAPTER.
And that's the first chapter let me know what you think of it in the comments and vote if you like the chapter.
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