Chapter 11: Chapter 11 : Boat trip
Rivers stink. Like a hog in the rain.
Not the first thing that comes to mind when you think of rivers but it was a fact- especially in a medieval fantasy world like this where everyone shits, pisses and bathes in the same river- and frankly, the only reason I wasn't complaining about it was because I literally couldn't be bothered to give a shit about it when I was feeling just so....great.
"Ah..." I hummed happily, taking a deep breath as a tiny jolt of euphoria passed through me.
Opium in the air. A definite win for Fillory.
Well that and magic. Even if I couldn't use it yet I could practically feel it's presence, like a crisp, freshness in the air. Or maybe that was the opium too, playing tricks on my mind again.
Regardless, life was good, my boat ride down the river was going swimmingly and I was having fun, enjoying the simple pleasures in life, trailing my hand down the side of the boat, into the river, feeling the cool, clear waters twinkle in the sunlight as the cut waves around us.
Everything was perfect. Too perfect.
And that, it seems, is something the universe itself cannot abide by, as no sooner had the thought presented itself, did I hear a faint, high pitched buzzing near my ear.
On instinct I snapped my hand out, snatching the bug out of the air, crushing it in my fist.
Only when I had successfully vanquished this new foe and opened my hand to wash it away did I notice something odd about it.
It was a tiny little lady bug, but instead of being spotted red, it was a disturbingly iridescent platinum blue.
Uh oh.
Glowing blue insects in this crapsack fantasy world?
I would bet my left but they were not good news.
That thought immediately sobered me up as I followed the buzzing sound to the nearby shore and found a field of mustard yellow flowers with spotted red splotches on their petals and a stigma tinged the same neon blue, trailing across the river banks. And buzzing around them, swarms of the tiny, glowing bugs.
Well fuck.
"Hey, uh, River Watcher?" I snapped my fingers at the drunk wizard magicking our boat along, pointing at the swarm which was now slowly approaching us, almost antlike in its motion, as if searching for something.
Shit, were they looking for the bug I squished?
"Is it just me or do those bugs look dangerous?" I asked.
"Hm?" River Watcher looked up from the boating spell he was holding and followed my finger as his eye went wide in fear and annoyance. He steered the boat away, getting some distance between us and the swarm before spitting out a curse.
"Ember's Balls, is it spring already?"
You drunk dipshit.....you can't even keep track of the seasons?
"It is April." I pointed out, "I'm guessing from your tone that our little friends here aren't good news?"
"What is April?" He asked, confused as he jerked his hands to get the blood flowing in them before he began to cast the boating spell again, muttering, 'Gods-damned Children of Earth and their stupid words', all the while the swarm drew ever closer.
"River Watcher!" I pushed.
"I know." He rubbed his temples, before he began to layer another spell onto the first one.
He frantically went over the motions and whispered the chants, his hands flowing between symbols with the urgency of a man with an enema after Taco Tuesday.
The swarm was close now, I could hear their buzzing, their visage rippling over the water like a glowing blanket of geranium petals with the synchronised hum of a thousand tiny wings.
A pang of terror ran through me now, as I swatted away the nearest few, splashing them with water in some vain attempt to keep them away, but it only served to incense them more.
"And no, they are never good news." He shuddered his eyes distant as he completed the spell.
"Then move dammit!" I cried, sinking back into the boat.
"You needn't pray twice." He replied and slammed his hands forward.
The rickety old boat began to whirr and hum with newfound vigor, glyphs and sigils snaking over it's tattered form like little serpents of light.
"You might want to hold on tight, your majesty. This is going to be a bumpy ride."
I didn't need a second warning as I gripped the edges of the boat, just in time for it to rocket off with a ripping boom, sending a shower of water behind us, leaving he bugs in the dust, or in this case, the mist.
It was no sooner than a half hour before we finally stopped, the boat slowing down to a lazy row, and we slumped back in relief.
"What the fuck was that?" I asked, running my hands over my face, when I couldn't help but wince in pain.
More splinters.
Just great.
First the River Watcher, then the bugs, what next, a mermaid?
A mermaid would probably sink the HMS Sadsack with just a smack of its tail.
I sighed and shook my head, looking down at the sorry excuse of a raft and wondering what enchantments he had put on the boat for it to survive that speed race down the river as I began pulling them out one by one, suckling on my fingers to soothe the cuts.
If it were twenty miles back I could have just dipped my fingers into the Torrent's stream and healed myself with it's magic water, but now we were on the river proper and the water had long since diluted, losing its healing properties, so I had to settle for second best.
Not that I'm complaining. At least I don't have to walk all the way now, even if it falls apart here, so silver linings.
I smiled.
"So...." I repeated, having not received an answer, "What was that?"
The River Watcher leaned back against the prow of the boat and groaned like the relic he was, stretching before he answered.
"That, your majesty, was a swarm of Tongue Twisters."
"Tongue Twisters?"
"Aye. Nasty little bugs. Accursed things. They burrow into your ears, by the cartful, possess the soul itself and twist your words into gibberish till they are nothing but the ramblings of a mad man." He shivered.
Of course.
I chuckled, more out of nervousness and the absurdity of it all than anything else.
Body possessing curse bugs. On the side of the river.
Ah Fillory, you never disappoint in your curated selection of nightmares.
"So what, they just buzz around by the riverside? Are they commonplace or..."
"Gods no." He laughed, "That would be a nightmare. No, they roost on the Atros flower come spring and spread its seed in return."
"The red, yellow and blue ones?" I asked.
"Yes. The flower's nectar is magical. It constricts the speech of the talking animals and renders them mute. And the bugs use it to fuel their accursed ability." He said, taking a swig from a bottle I didn't quite see him pull out.
"So it's an species specific allergen? And the bugs turn that into a magical pan-species venom of sorts?"
"A curse, your majesty, not a venom." He corrected.
I nodded.
No point arguing semantics with a medieval peasant. They probably still subscribe to the four humors theory here.
Not to mention, he may just be right; maybe it is magic and I'm the ignorant one.
"I see. Then why haven't they been wiped out? I mean, remove either the flower or the bugs and it's game over for both."
"No soldier in their right mind would dare go near them. Even mutes steer clear of such things for the curse mangles their signs too."
Oh, so it is a curse. If it can stop sign language speakers, its got to be magic.
"And the Atros flower, oh, a veritable panacea that one." He continued, "It is great with throat aches, cold, cough, all kinds of maladies, which I know, sounds very counterintuitive given it's otherwise constrictive properties, but with the right treatment it is the boon of gods." He pulled out a few tonics and powder from his bag to show me, "Even cures impotence." He gave me a meaningful look.
I narrowed my eyes.
Oi, oi. What are you implying mister?
I am perfectly healthy in all aspects.
He got the message too and quietly put them away.
"Very useful in spellcasting as well." He added, moving on like nothig happened, "I remember this young boy, over in Brass City. Rude as a whistle. Can you believe he called me bald? Bald, I say! I still have hic..." he burped, "...hair, see? See?" He put a coin on his head and pointed out the tiny little hairs left on his head, looming over me with his stinking alcohol breath. I nearly gagged.
"Yes, yes. You have hair. I see it. Now will you please just sit back down before you tip the boat over?" I said, pushing him away. He fell back onto his seat and the boat creaked like a wailing widow.
"Well guess what, I cursed him. Put one these, Twister larvae in his ears. That'll teach him. Hah, the brat will never speak ill of anyone again. Saw him again later that year and I'll tell you..." He rambled on, but I had already begun to tune him out now.
Not wasting a boat trip listening to grampa's drunken ramblings.
Looking around, I saw the landscape had shifted now. Gone were the lush forests and rolling green hills, replaced by a dry and dusty savannah. Tall, pale grasses dominated the land and at least on this side of the river, closer to the Burnt plains, the climate had changed like a minecraft biome.
Across the river- and the river was wide, nearly 400 meters across- I could still make out some greenery, but not here, not anymore. It was all burning heat and dusty grasslands from here on out. Or so it would seem at a first glance but the Burnt plains didn't receive their monikor for being the savannah under Scar's pride, and soon, the smell of acrid smoke and burning ash filled my nose, like a choking reminder of my hasy judgment.
For there was a reason this land was almost barren. And it was in plain sight not half an hours ride down.
I could smell it before I saw it. A landscape straight of Dante's Inferno.
Fire. Fields of fire.
The Burnt plains.
Well, actually, that name was slightly off, given the fact that they weren't Burnt, they were actively blazing!
A grey ash choked waste, charred to the bone, pockmarked with pits and craters shooting out towering pillars of flame that licked the clouds. Billowing plumes of smoke rose up from the flames, like a hundred thousand muslin veils, writhing across the sky like great worms, blotting out the sun itself and casting the land in eternal shadow.
Below us, the river itself had changed. Gone were the murky, churning waters of before and now in their place we floated atop a bottomless chasm the crystal clear waters magnifying the pitch black riverbed- no doubt colored so from the centuries of ash and soot that had leached into the soil itself- making it seem as if I were staring into a vast, ink dark abyss.
The sight, magnificent as it was, sent chills down my spine. I half expected a cephalopdic eye to pop open beneath, really completing the metaphor as the abyss stared back. Thankfully, for my heart, no such thing happened and I let out a sigh in relief.
Turning my sight back to the actively burning plains, I couldn't help but feel a sense of deja vu, like I had seen this somewhere before.
I scanned the hellscape once more with a keen eye, searching for a hint when it clicked, like a memory long forgotten.
Yes, I had seen this once before. In my past life.
Kuwait. The Gulf War.
My mercenary company had taken a job there during the invasion.
I remember now.
The smell of burning crude, the smothering smoke, the heat, the barren landscape surrounding the caved in reserviors.
Man, we weren't getting paid enough for that shit. But hey, what can you expect from a dictator?
More importantly, this. This right here.
I couldn't help but grin.
These weren't magically burning plains. They were Oil fields.
Once I'm king, with cheap, conscripted labor and a healthy helping of magic...Hehehehe.
I am going to be so fucking rich!
I gulped thickly.
I can already see my fat bank account.
Instant retirement money, baby!
Oh, this is like a dream come true.
Now I just need to find a way to...wait, what's that?
I spotted something in the distance.
A mountain? Shaped like a turd emoji?
It was shining, no, glittering.
What even...did it just move?
Then I remembered. Something from the books.
I pulled out my map and traced around the Burnt plains till I put my finger on it.
It was in the stories, the Fillory & Further books.
The final trial of Jane Chatwin.
That's no glittering, turd mountan.
That...is a dragon!
Holy shit!
It's huge!
I mean I knew they were big but hot damn.....
How did Jane even put a magical sleeping bell on that thing?
And wasn't it moving just now?
It's not awake is it?
"Hey, psst! River Watcher!" I called out to him, unable to take my eyes off of the dragon, but recieved no response.
Finally, I turned to him, only to find him dazed, his eyes searching the water for something.
"Hey! Earth to River Watcher, you there?" I called out, snapping my fingers before him, "Don't you go having another Vietnam flashback before me pal, I don't wanna get flashbang'ed again."
"I .... am not. I just forgot the recipe." The River Watcher put on a customer service smile.
Weird.
What recipe is he talking about?
I sighed.
He's out of it again, ain't he?
We're doomed.
"Ah, no problem. Take your time. We have all day." I said, sarcastically, and leaned back with a smile, looking up at the sky, acepting my fate.
Given the track record of this world, I wouldn't be surprised if the dragon was awake and gunning for us. And if it was, it's not like we could run.
Well, I could, with the magical button in my pocket, but then I'd be back to square one, so Amor Fati, I guess.
I laughed, and leaned to the side of the boat, looking to play with the water again when I noticed something odd.
The river water was still. As a pond, polished like the surface of a mirror.
Flowing river water doesn't just do that.
Alarms began to ring in my head as I frantically scanned the area.
And in the distance, some ways from us, I spotted it, a pale figure cutting through the water, beelining towards us.
And here we go again.
Not a moment's peace around here, I swear.
I reached into my pocket, flipping the lid on the magical button case, ready to teleport away at a thought and braced myself.
Let's see what this is all about.
___________________
Yo!
I'm back.
The chapter is a bit cliffhanger-y but I figure it's best to cut it in two rather than lose my track again trying to overstuff this oreo. Still, its 2400 words so y'know....
Anyways, thanks for reading.
Gimme dem stones!
Tell me what you think.
Next chapter soon.
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