Chapter 2: In Another Life Part 2
In time, Kuroo and Kenma found that it was time for them to make their way back home. Kuroo bid Bokuto farewell for the time being, while Kenma made his way downstairs to exit the building. He didn't seem like one to say goodbye ‒ or hello ‒ for that matter, so both Akaashi and Bokuto didn't pay any mind to it.
Kuroo finally left the room after four minutes or so, having forgotten that he was supposed to leave in the first place. He waved and jogged out, knowing that if he didn't hurry, he'd have to spend several more minutes trying to catch up to a wandering Kenma.
Standing at the side of Bokuto's bed, Akaashi glanced to the open door that led to the hallway.
"Your friend is a lot like you."
"Anything but," Bokuto retorted, sitting upright in bed. "He's a bit more of... An ass, to say the least." He chuckled and rubbed at his face wearily.
The sound of Bokuto's laughter caused Akaashi to turn his head back to him. It was a reaction that Akaashi was not expecting in the least, but he played off his surprise and only managed an, "I see."
Bokuto gazed at Akaashi, almost in wonder. "Why are you standing? Take a seat." He pat the empty space next to him animatedly.
"No, it's alright. I was actually thinking of taking my leave soon, as well-"
"What? Why?" The disappointment in his voice was clear. "You've only been here for like, thirty minutes."
Akaashi scratched his head. "It's been over three hours, actually."
"That's the same thing!" Bokuto moved closer to where Akaashi was standing, all the while still sitting in bed. "I spoke to Kuroo most of the time, so it doesn't count."
"What doesn't?" Akaashi took an unnoticeable step back.
"The three hours!" He was getting frustrated. "I'm very bad at measuring time now, too, if you haven't noticed. Three hours feels like seven hours, sometimes. But three hours can also feel like seven minutes. I may not be as sharp as I used to, but that whole 'Time flies when you're having fun,' rule still applies to me, even today."
"So... Three hours is nothing." Akaashi muttered.
"Exactly!" Bokuto's eyes lit up again.
Akaashi avoided looking into them. "I understand, but I still have to go." He avoided looking at Bokuto altogether. "I would stay if it were up to me. I've just got something to take care of, but I'll be sure to visit you tomorrow."
Bokuto didn't make a sound. He pressed his lips into a thin line and fell backwards on his bed. He probably had a thousand things to say, but he kept them all at bay and instead rolled onto his side, facing away from Akaashi.
He was shocked. Akaashi never knew that Bokuto was one to suddenly sulk on a dime. He looked around and frowned, and figured it would be best to take his leave.
"I'll... See you tomorrow."
"Do you want your scarf back?" The question came out of the blue. Despite him being the one who asked, Bokuto held onto it tightly.
Akaashi watched him and zipped up his jacket. "Yeah... I do."
In dismay, Bokuto sat up in bed and slowly reached around his neck to pull off the warm piece of cloth. He took his time, the thought of removing it killing him faster than the disease itself.
"...But I also want you to hold onto it."
The words had come as such a shock to Bokuto that he'd paused and looked up at Akaashi. His hands tensed, relaxed, and rested against his neck. "...You do?
"Yes." Akaashi managed the faintest of smiles. "Please hold onto it, Bokuto."
At that moment, he turned away and walked off, feeling he wouldn't be able to leave if he'd lasted one more second in the room.
Akaashi woke with a start that same night, his strangled shouts having pulled him from his sleep. He'd flinched hard and sat up quickly, closing his hand over his mouth to subdue the almost hysteric sounds that came from him. His breathing was heavy, his heart rate quicker than usual; Akaashi could feel his heart pounding in his throat, making it difficult to swallow.
"Sh- sh-it..."
That had been the fifth time that month where Akaashi had to tear himself out of another nightmare. They made him feel nauseous to a point where he had to sit up in bed and swallow deep, slow breaths in order to cool himself down, and he did just that, reaching his hands up to rub at his eyes before taking a tense look around his room.
Exhaling heavily, Akaashi turned to look at the desk near his bed. His phone was there. Hesitating for only a second, he reached his hand out and took the device into his hands. When the screen lit up, a text message from Bokuto waited there for him.
'Sleep well, Akaashi.' It had been sent two hours ago.
Akaashi swiped and unlocked his phone with trembling hands.
From: Akaashi (Sent at 2:47am)
[Are you there?]
Bokuto:
[Yeah! Akaashi? I thought you fell asleep.]
Akaashi had to wait almost a minute for Bokuto's response. It was the longest minute he'd ever been forced to sit through.
Akaashi:
[I woke up. Nightmares.]
Bokuto:
[Nightmare? You had a nightmare? Was it bad?]
Akaashi:
[Well, it managed to wake me up.]
Bokuto:
[The quiet kind of wake up?]
Akaashi:
[No, more like the clichéd kind, where you sit up in bed in a cold sweat.]
Bokuto:
[Are you calming down? Are you feeling better?]
Akaashi stared at the text message and let out a shaking sigh. Judging by his still trembling hands, he knew he wasn't.
Akaashi:
[Yeah. I'm just a little shaken.]
Bokuto:
[I don't believe you on that 'Yeah' part.]
Akaashi:
[I'm fine.]
Bokuto:
[Alright, well... We'll just see about that.]
Furrowing his brow, Akaashi stared at his phone screen and lay his head down sideways. It wasn't like Bokuto to question what he said in such a straightforward fashion.
Akaashi:
[There's nothing to see...]
He pressed send and watched the phone carefully, waiting for the small ellipses to appear on the lower left side of the screen. But instead, he was greeted with nothing. He didn't get a response, nor did he see any signs of responding.
Akaashi frowned and left his phone screen alone to dim and blacken. He held it in his shaking hands and closed his eyes in an attempt to try and find sleep again. It was difficult, however, as each time he tried to drift off to sleep, that unnerving fear of having the same dream would jerk him back awake. Akaashi groaned softly and covered his face.
BZZT
Akaashi's phone vibrated against his forehead. He flinched and pulled his hand away to stare at the screen.
Bokuto:
[Look outside! (＠´∀｀)ノ]
"What?" Akaashi kicked his legs out of bed and strode to his window. "Impossible-" He pulled apart the blinds and looked down.
Out in the dead of night stood Bokuto, with the burgundy knit scarf around his neck, a jacket, jeans, and slippers. He looked up and grinned, and waved wildly in Akaashi's direction.
Akaashi's eyes widened. "No, no, no, no-" He pulled away from the windowsill and ran out of his room, straight downstairs and to the front door. He threw it open and faced Bokuto, who was jogging to him with a smile and a shiver in each step.
"May I come in?"
"No! No, we're-"
"Why not?"
"We're going back to the hospital right now. I'm taking you back." Akaashi reached his arms out and pushed Bokuto away.
"What? No!" Bokuto refused to budge. He pushed Akaashi back this time. "I just came from there."
"Exactly, because you belong there!" Akaashi felt that his words were a bit bitter, but he had no other way of telling Bokuto the truth. "You're sick, you need medical attention."
"So I can't sleep." Bokuto swatted Akaashi's hands away. "What's the big deal?"
"It's more than that!" He exerted more force into his arms, getting Bokuto to take a step back. "You've had two panic attacks this week already, and your hallucinations are getting worse. My home is not a place for you to be right now."
"I get panic attacks when you're not around," Bokuto answered simple-mindedly. "And my hallucinations aren't all that bad."
Akaashi clenched his jaw behind a mildly irritated face. "Stop trying to act like this isn't such a big deal... You may not think it is, but I..." He paused and reached his arms out to get in another shove. "Let's just go."
"I don't want to." Bokuto grabbed Akaashi's hands with his own.
"Bokuto, stop."
"I don't want to go back!"
"How did you even sneak out?"
"By sneaking out! They don't pay much attention to me anyways!"
Akaashi yanked his hands away and stared at Bokuto. As much as it infuriated him, he knew that Bokuto wasn't going to go anywhere unless he let him into his home first. He swallowed thickly.
"Get inside." Akaashi stepped to the side.
Bokuto's eyes did the familiar light up thing as he bounded into Akaashi's home. He removed his slippers and waited at the entrance for his friend to enter. Akaashi stepped in and shut the door behind him.
"You chose the perfect night." Akaashi said bitterly as he hobbled up the stairs. "My parents aren't home."
"It's not like I would've made any noise," Bokuto all but shouted, following after him.
Akaashi sighed. "I'll get you back to the hospital by seven in the morning."
"Fine by me! Imagine the looks on their faces when they see me coming in from the outside. Imagine their faces when they notice I'm not even in my room." Bokuto was elated.
Akaashi entered his room and shut the door behind Bokuto. "I'm going straight to sleep."
"But I thought you had that nightmare." Bokuto stood at the side of Akaashi's bed.
"I did..." He paused for a moment. "... Is that why you came here? Because of the nightmare?"
Bokuto stared at Akaashi. "Because you said you were okay, and I knew you weren't."
Akaashi was at a loss for words. He returned Bokuto's gaze, then looked down quickly afterwards. A hand tugged at his shirt weakly. "I see." He reached a hand out to turn on the lamp that sat on his nightstand.
Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, Bokuto rubbed the back of his neck. "What was the dream about?"
Akaashi sat in bed and wrapped a sheet around himself. He tossed the navy blue one to Bokuto, remembering how fond he was of it the last time he'd come over. He watched as Bokuto gathered it up in his arms and threw it around himself. He then stared at Akaashi, waiting for his response.
He sighed. "I was drowning." His hands picked at the small lint rolls that stuck to his sheet. "Drowning in something black, sort of like tar. I was fighting and trying to get out, but... I had no power over it whatsoever. I was so weak, and it'd gotten to the point where I could barely breath. My face was the only thing sticking out." Akaashi cocked his head back to demonstrate this, with his finger tapping his chin.
"I was struggling. But in the end, I couldn't move. I was shouting, but no sound came out. No one could hear me. No one was around." Akaashi shrugged. "The liquid started flooding into my mouth and nose, and it wasn't until I was suffocating that I forced myself awake."
Akaashi didn't say another word afterwards. He only bundled himself up in the sheets that surrounded him. He turned his head to look out the window, eyeing the moon timidly.
Shifting in his seat, Bokuto pulled himself closer to Akaashi, one hand grasping the blanket that had been given to him.
Akaashi remained in place with the thought in mind that Bokuto would respect his personal space and sit a foot or two away from him, but to his apparent surprise, Bokuto leaned his head on Akaashi's shoulder and slipped an arm around him.
Akaashi squirmed in discomfort. "What are you doing?"
"Comforting?" Bokuto replied, lifting his head. "Isn't that what humans do?"
Akaashi watched him carefully. "Don't talk like you're not one..."
Bokuto chortled quietly and placed his head back on Akaashi's shoulder. They didn't speak for a moment, and the room was filled with the hushed sounds of the outside.
"Hey."
"What?"
"Let's watch Cloud Atlas."
"No." Akaashi shook his head.
Bokuto grumbled to himself. "Why not? Don't you have it in your laptop?"
"I do, but I don't want to watch it. It's a long movie, and I've watched it about seven times already."
"Well if you've watched it seven times then why not watch it an eighth time?"
"Because it's three in the morning and I want to fit some sleep into my schedule. By the time that movie ends, it'll be six. Then I'll have to walk you to the hospital before the doctors find out you're missing and lose their minds."
A laugh escaped Bokuto, the sound curling his lips into a smile. "What if they've already found out?"
"Then that would be a problem."
"And then they'd turn my room upside down in an attempt to find me."
"That'd be a tough mess to clean up."
Turning his head, Bokuto looked at Akaashi. "Everything you say is so straightforward. Why is that?"
"I... Don't know." Akaashi inhaled slowly. "It's just how I am. Sometimes I think I'm funny. But people never laugh at my jokes."
Bokuto snorted. "When have you ever tried to make a joke?"
"When I said that it would be a tough mess for them to clean up..." Akaashi sounded genuinely confused. "Didn't that come off as remotely funny?"
Bokuto couldn't help but guffaw, his head tilting back. "That was your idea of a joke?"
"You're too loud, be quiet." Akaashi shoved his visitor lightly. Despite this, it only seemed to make Bokuto laugh even harder. Akaashi pursed his lips in frustration, but this look quickly vanished as a small laugh fell from his lips.
"Well, you're laughing now..." He tried to hide his smile. "So I guess I am pretty good at being funny."
Bokuto glanced at him. "Yeah, but for all the wrong reasons." His laughter died down along with Akaashi's. "You know... I don't think I've ever heard you laugh, or seen you smile for that matter."
Shrugging one shoulder, Akaashi grabbed his phone. "Well now you have."
Bokuto looked over at the phone screen. "What are you doing?"
"Setting an alarm for six AM." Akaashi set his phone down and leaned back slowly, resting the back of his head against his pillow. Bokuto followed, his arm still around him.
This is strange. He stared up at the ceiling and sighed. Why do I let him do this?
Akaashi's head slumped to the side, in Bokuto's direction.
"I hope you don't mind me sleeping." He whispered the words.
"Of course I don't. I showed up to your house unannounced at three in the morning. You've got all the right to sleep..."
"I just hope it isn't rude-"
"It isn't." Bokuto's arm unconsciously squeezed Akaashi closer to his side.
"Alright..." He closed his eyes. "Good night." Akaashi pulled his arms in close, wrapping the sheets around himself.
"See you in three hours." Bokuto whispered.
Complete and utter silence befell them afterwards. Akaashi had kept his eyes closed for quite a while, trying to fall into a deep sleep, but found that he couldn't, or at least, not as quickly as he thought he could. He kept his breathing controlled and steady for about forty minutes; he looked sound asleep, but was actually drifting between the real world and the dream realm.
There was silence, and then there was a sound. A subtle, gentle sound. The sound of someone cautiously moving their arm when they didn't wish to wake someone.
Akaashi remained in his faux sleeping position, feeling that it would take much more of an effort for him to open his eyes and check around than to stay dormant. And so he continued to try and grasp sleep, expecting nothing from the noise.
It was because of this that he was so surprised when he felt a gentle sensation against his forehead. It took all of his power not to flinch when he'd felt the unfamiliar touch.
They were fingers. Hesitant fingers that ghosted over Akaashi's forehead in order to push a loose strand of hair away.
Keeping his eyes closed, Akaashi took in the feeling of this. He could sense the heavy amount of reluctance in each movement that Bokuto's hand carried out.
Bokuto was afraid to wake Akaashi. So much so that his hands trembled slightly whenever he'd push Akaashi's bangs away.
Slowly but gradually, Akaashi's heart rate picked up. His hands twitched once, and he moved closer, leaning into Bokuto's touch. This backfired, however, as the other's hand quickly withdrew. Akaashi relaxed then, keeping the sleeping act alive.
Bokuto did not move a muscle after having seen Akaashi stir. The last thing he wanted to do was wake him up, so they lay in silence for minutes on end. Akaashi figured that Bokuto would keep to himself for the rest of the night, so he put his focus back to trying to sleep. He held the same position and felt himself dozing off...
"I'm sorry." The words were barely a whisper, and they came without warning. It almost sounded as if Bokuto were talking to himself.
Akaashi remained still and silent.
"... I never meant to drag you into my life..."
Bokuto inhaled all that he could. Akaashi felt his chest rise. He could practically hear the frown in his voice.
"I know that I'm unbearable. I know that I'm a lost cause. I know that you know that, too... And yet you still stick by me."
He paused for a moment, then spoke up again. His voice was a soft tremor.
"So... Thank you."
Bokuto had nothing more to say after that. He lay his cheek on the top of Akaashi's head and kept still, daring not to wake him.
But Akaashi now couldn't find it in himself to sleep. Bokuto's words haunted him, and they repeated themselves over and over in his mind.
He swallowed once, hoping to get rid of the lump in his throat.
After that night, things had only gone downhill from then.
Akaashi took a glance out the window, only to instantly throw on his clothes and toss his bag over his shoulders. He jogged downstairs, slipped his shoes on, and was out the door in seconds, making his way down the familiar route to the hospital. Above, the clouds were dense, and they gathered quickly, casting a dark shroud over Akaashi's path. He zipped his jacket up to shield himself from the harsh winds that came his way and advanced forward. There was definitely a storm coming his way, so Akaashi knew that Bokuto would need him.
A month and sixteen days had passed since Bokuto's final visit to Akaashi's home, and once he'd been taken back to the hospital, the doctors and nurses made sure to keep a closer eye on him, and with good reason. Not only was Bokuto the kind of guy to sneak out when no one was watching, but his condition had quickly begun to worsen without warning. Before then, he would normally lose several pounds a week, but ever since the night he'd snuck out, his weight loss could only be described as alarming. In the span of a little over a month, Bokuto had gone from a general one-hundred and fifty pounds to a mere ninety-seven pounds, last time they'd weighed him. The drastic weight loss was awful enough, but as if to add insult to injury, Bokuto's worsening condition also made it increasingly difficult for him to walk, move, and speak.
Akaashi frowned heavily as he entered the hospital. He made his way up the same path, walking swiftly and without pause. That was, until he saw a familiar face.
"Kuroo?" Akaashi stopped in his tracks, in front of Bokuto's room.
The black haired male looked up from his hands. He faked a smile. "Hey- Akaashi, right? Long time."
"Yeah, I'm-," He turned his head, "Is there someone in there?" He didn't wait for Kuroo to respond and glanced into Bokuto's room. Surely enough, he noticed Kenma sitting in the seat next to Bokuto's bed. His back was facing the door, and Bokuto seemed to have all of his attention on him.
"Will Kenma allow me to enter the room?"
Kuroo rubbed the lower part of his face with his hand. "Nope." He leaned back in his chair. "Take a seat. Kenma usually isn't the kind of person to speak to people one on one, so... I think you'd better leave 'em both alone."
Inhaling deeply, Akaashi lingered in place, then sat down in the empty seat next to Kuroo.
"You seem a bit anxious." Kuroo looked at Akaashi sideways.
"I am. There's a storm coming. Bokuto doesn't do well with those..."
"Ah..." Kuroo looked at the ceiling, as if he would be able to see the clouds from there. "I hadn't noticed that one was rolling in." He slowly lowered his head and folded his arms. "Didn't think you knew that about him."
Akaashi turned his head to face Kuroo. "Was he ever fond of them?"
"Don't think so. In the past, he'd always get sort of tense and paranoid whenever a storm would pass over head, but that was kind of it. Now I bet he... Suffers panic attacks because of them."
Akaashi looked down. "He does. Storms trigger them."
Kuroo made a grunting noise and had nothing more to say on the subject. Akaashi figured he should stay quiet too. He knit his fingers together and kept his eyes down, anticipating when the first boom of thunder would sound. He would have to close Bokuto's blinds and take his mind off of it somehow. Show him a movie or play a game with him that would result in him to calm down quickly. Akaashi rubbed the back of his neck hastily and closed his eyes.
"Ninety-seven fucking pounds."
Startled, Akaashi opened his eyes and glanced in Kuroo's direction. He glowered at nothing in particular.
"I'm sorry?"
"Ninety-seven pounds, right? That's how much he supposedly weighs now?"
Once Akaashi realized what Kuroo was talking about, he instantly felt his spirits fall. "Yes."
"Fucking bullshit." He swore without a filter.
Wincing, Akaashi turned his head away. He'd only spoken to Kuroo once before, and they barely exchanged any words. He didn't know how to deal with him now, so he remained silent. He twisted his fingers and pursed his lips, wary of what Kuroo would say next.
"All of this is so- ugh. Why the hell did this have to happen to him? And at such an early damn age, too?" He hissed the words under his breath, openly frustrated with the situation. "He turned twenty only three months ago..."
Akaashi lowered his head. "It's not fair."
"It's not." Kuroo echoed the words in agreement. "But... Here we are. And here he is..."
Kuroo rubbed his elbow, irate, and sighed in defeat.
"I'm not coming back to visit him anymore. Not after this. I've seen enough." He turned to look at Akaashi. "Keep him company from now on. I don't know how you do it, but... When you're around him, you help him forget."
Akaashi kept his eyes down. He wouldn't show this, but Kuroo's words had hit him harder than he could ever imagine. They sat heavily in the pit of his stomach, churning and pestering him, urging him to throw up. But he only swallowed and kept his composure, just as he'd been doing since the day he met Bokuto.
Akaashi reached his hand up to rub the back of his neck roughly, administering a feeling of discomfort to one area in order to ignore the pain that threatened to swallow his heart. He closed his eyes in a slow blink and kept his breathing quiet.
Having been neck deep in his own sorrows, Kuroo was blind to Akaashi's. He forced himself to stand after some time, tapping his fingers against his pants.
"Keep doing what you're doing." His voice was low.
Akaashi nodded in response.
"Of course. I couldn't stop, even if I tried."
A biting chuckle escaped Kuroo.
"Yeah... Ain't that the horror of it all..." He rubbed his chin and stalked his way down the hall. "Keep in touch, Akaashi."
"Of course." He repeated the same phrase, finding that it was difficult to search for words at the time. He watched as Kuroo walked away, far enough for small details to become blurred. He only looked like a tall, thin, black mass now as he stood near the stairway. He was waiting for Kenma, but Akaashi wondered why he hadn't waited for him in the seat that he was initially sitting in.
Just then, as Akaashi bit down on the inside of his lower lip, he turned his head in time to catch a glimpse of Kenma lowering his head towards Bokuto. It wasn't necessarily a bow. It seemed more along the lines of an act of affection, or at least as affectionate as Kenma could get, which wasn't much.
He touched his forehead to Bokuto's shoulder, which only earned a laugh from him. Bokuto talked quietly in response to Kenma, gave a nod, and smiled.
He never seemed to stop smiling.
Once he saw this, Kenma picked himself up from his seat, put his hands at his side, and bowed his head. He didn't last another second in Bokuto's company before he turned and briskly walked out of the room. He kept his head down and played the fool, pretending he didn't see Akaashi. In seconds, Kenma was down the hall and making his way down the stairs, having completely ignored Kuroo as well.
Kuroo didn't seem surprised in the slightest. He only waved goodbye at a staring Akaashi before following his small friend down the stairs.
Hesitantly, Akaashi barely managed to wave back before he heard his name being called from that all too familiar room, by that all too familiar voice.
He directed his attention to a grinning Bokuto who eagerly sat up in bed.
Akaashi almost smiled back, and he would have, too, if it hadn't been for the thunder that sounded its arrival from above. He watched as Bokuto's smile faded instantly, his eyes having gone from half lidded to wide in a second. His hands squeezed tightly around the navy blue blanket that enveloped him.
"Akaashi-"
"I know." He walked ahead quickly, straight into the room. He pushed the chair away and found Bokuto's side in bed.
Frail, shaking fingers pushed through his own black and white hair in an attempt to calm himself down, but another thunder clap sounded, louder that time. Bokuto flinched hard enough to make the bed shake.
"F-f-u-ck." His voice broke in terror.
"Look at me, it's going to be fine." Akaashi spoke in a calm, slow voice. His hand took Bokuto's own, and he held it gently. It was cold and shook in short bursts. "You will get through this. You always do."
Staring down wide-eyed at the floor of the hospital room, Bokuto fought to find words.
"Akaa-sh- d-don't-" Bokuto struggled with his breathing.
"Don't what?"
"Don't l-le-leave m-me..."
"I won't leave you." He moved closer, his other hand taking hold of Bokuto's. "Just breathe with me."
Bokuto nodded frantically and forced himself to comply with Akaashi, as he always did. He was the only person who could get him through those horrible moments, after all.
Heavy raindrops pelted against the window as Bokuto's frantic sounds filled the room. Akaashi was glad to have made it in time. That had been one of Bokuto's worst attacks yet.
"Hey, Akaashi?"
"Hm?"
"When do you think it will snow?"
"I don't know... Snow falls at random."
"Yeah, but... Do... You think it will snow soon? Or maybe January?"
"I hope so. That would be nice. Tokyo needs a little more snow now and then."
"Yeah... Yeah. When it falls, I want to go out and stand in it."
Akaashi sat cross legged in the seat adjacent to Bokuto's bed. He looked up at the sickly one when he'd said those words, trying to meet his gaze, but ultimately finding no yellow eyes to look into. Bokuto had his head turned away.
He was staring outside at the white clouds that shrouded the skies, mesmerized by just how colorless it made everything seem. It was one of those "White days", as Bokuto liked to call them, so he paid much more attention to the world beyond the glass than he did to his own confined life in the hospital. Bokuto breathed in deeply, the sound filling the small space around them. The bedsheets crumpled beneath his hands.
"Are you sure you should be going out in the cold like that?"
"I think I can handle it."
Akaashi didn't want to bring up the fact that Bokuto probably would no longer possess the ability to walk by the time any snow did get a chance to fall, so he kept his mouth shut. He rubbed his hands together weakly and tilted his head to the side.
"I guess you can... Just as long as you're feeling better."
Bokuto scoffed. It was a quiet sound.
"I am. Stop asking already. That was six days ago."
"I know, but it was bad."
"It passed." Bokuto turned his head, the pillow crumpling under his neck. He looked at Akaashi with heavy lidded eyes. He was extremely pale, and somehow thinner than before, but he kept that same smile on his face. "I'm fine now."
Akaashi couldn't help but smile back at him. He leaned his chin against the palm of his hand and chortled.
"Or at least as fine as you can get."
Bokuto stared at Akaashi sharply. His lips quivered before he could form his words.
"Sh...ut up." A stronger laugh broke out from him, rattling his body as he lay down in bed. "I look... Like shit, I know."
Akaashi found himself laughing along with him. His quiet chuckle was louder than Bokuto's wholehearted laugh.
"You don't. You don't look like shit." He tried to hide his grin with his hand, but it was still visible from the gaps between his fingers.
Bokuto reached a hand out, aimlessly trying to swat Akaashi's own hand away. He tried to aim for it at the very least, but found it difficult to. Still, he continued.
"Don't cover that."
"Cover what?"
"Your smile."
"Why? It isn't anything spe-"
"I barely ever see it." Bokuto's fingers touched at Akaashi's knuckles. That was enough for Akaashi to remove his hand from in front his mouth slowly, moving it to rest it over his chin. He smiled down at him.
Bokuto's eyes stared forward with an engrossed gaze, his yellow hues taking a mental picture of what he probably would never see again. Many words dashed through his mind, but he could only think of three that would be best for him to say to Akaashi. He tried to open his mouth to say them, but he performed another action instead. Unconsciously, his hand grasped Akaashi's own, and he dragged it down with his lack of strength, causing both of them to startle. Bokuto's eyes widened.
"I- I thought you would... Hold it up-"
"It was sudden." Akaashi stifled a laugh. "It caught me off guard."
"I didn't mean... To..."
"It's alright." He smoothed his thumb over Bokuto's knuckles. "I'm... Holding it now."
Silently and almost in fascination, Bokuto stared at Akaashi once again, longer this time before he looked up, then down, then away. He turned his head towards the window, away from Akaashi. He couldn't face him.
Pursing his lips timidly, Akaashi ceased to speak. He studied the back of Bokuto's head, eying the messy strands of black and white hair that overlapped each other. His green eyes then fell to study his paling skin; his veins were easily noticeable now, and they bulged from beneath his flesh whenever he moved. Akaashi's eyes lowered, focusing on the arm that was attached to the hand that he was holding.
He studied the small needle that was lodged into Bokuto's forearm, eyed the thin tube that was attached to this, and followed it up to the bag of IV fluid that hung above his head.
Whatever was left of Akaashi's smile faded.
Ever since Bokuto's last panic attack, it had suddenly become more difficult for him to control his words, movements, and actions altogether. Such a task as easy as swallowing was now a problem for Bokuto, too, and after many failed attempts at keeping his food down, or getting it to go down in the first place, the nurses found it would be best if Bokuto received nourishment the only other way possible, and that was through a tube.
Over the span of the six days, Akaashi found that the only things Bokuto could manage to swallow were small snacks, like grapes, ice cubes, and Pocky Sticks that were specifically strawberry flavored. Other than those things, Bokuto found it nearly impossible to stomach anything else. His only other choice was to lie there and accept whatever it was the IV liquid had to offer him.
Looking back to Bokuto, he was relieved to see that he still had his attention on the window. At some time while Akaashi was spacing out, the blue blanket that surrounded Bokuto had been pulled up just below his chin, with only his arm hanging out to hold onto Akaashi's hand. Bokuto's breathing was quiet, and his hand never really remained still for a long time. It would shake every so often, and each time it did, Akaashi would squeeze lightly in response. This was their unspoken communication.
It was Akaashi's way of letting Bokuto know that everything would be alright, and this would always comfort him, no matter the situation they were in.
They both found it easier to believe in that lie than to accept the truth of what was to come.
On the numbingly cold day that was January 3rd, at 8:04 PM, snow had fallen for the first time that year. Bokuto was the first to notice this, but had also been the last to say anything about it.
It wasn't until Akaashi looked up from his laptop screen that he realized it was snowing heavily outside. His eyes lit up, intent on informing Bokuto, but when he turned his head to get a look at him, instead of being greeted by an over enthusiastic friend, he was presented with an unfazed expression upon Bokuto's weary face.
Akaashi frowned.
"Bokuto? Don't you see it?"
Looking up from the laptop screen, Bokuto directed his attention to Akaashi.
"Wh...?"
"The snow? It's snowing outside."
Bokuto turned his head to catch another look out the window. Surely enough, snow was falling, and in chunks too, but this did not grasp Bokuto's attention. Frankly speaking, it had no affect on him in the slightest. He managed a feeble shrug and turned to continue on with the movie that he'd watched for the thirtieth time already.
Akaashi was genuinely confused.
"I thought you were waiting for the snow. I thought it was what you wanted..."
His eyelids drooping and then snapping open again, Bokuto made a small sound.
"Mnh-... I... See it... All the t-ime."
Just then, Akaashi's lips parted in realization. Bokuto's hallucinations had become such a part of him, that he thought the snow outside was just another mind trick. He breathed in sharply.
"It's not a hallucination, Bokuto. It's actually snowing."
"..." Bokuto looked up to stare out the window again. There was a longing in his eyes that Akaashi couldn't stand to see. With barely an ounce of strength left, Bokuto pulled himself up a tad to get a better look outside. Curiosity had sparked within him. He wanted to know if it was real or not. He hated how difficult it had become for him to tell apart the real things from the fake ones.
"I'll show you." Akaashi stood from his seat and walked to the windowsill. There, he parted the glass slightly. A gust of icy wind charged its way into the room in an instant, draining the warmth from everything it touched.
Bokuto's skin crawled, goose bumps pimpling his porcelain surface. He pulled the thick blanket over himself with much effort.
Swiftly, Akaashi closed the window, having gathered just enough snow off the edge for him to show to Bokuto. He strode to him quickly, cupping the already melting snow in his hands. Bokuto held out his own, eager to see if it were true.
"See, look." Akaashi placed the small, white compressed lump of snow into Bokuto's palm. This earned a gasp from him. Bokuto stared down at the white clump of melting ice, and with one finger, he pressed against it to watch it fall apart. The tiny snowflakes deteriorated in the warmth of his palm, leaving a small puddle behind.
A gasp escaped Bokuto. His eyes widened as much as they could.
"Akaashi!"
"I know."
"Take me... Outside!"
"It's freezing." Akaashi murmured the words and looked Bokuto up and down. He was nothing more than a blanket with a head. "You tremble when it's seventy degrees in the room. Right now, it's about... Ten degrees outside."
"Please, Akaashi."
Pressing his lips into a thin slab of a line, Akaashi shook his head once more. He found it much too difficult to say no to Bokuto, but it had to be done.
"I can't..."
"But why?" Bokuto's spirits fell, his frown deep.
"That weather will only hurt you. You need to be protected."
"F-from... What?" Bokuto stared at Akaashi, his features having gone from disappointed to unaccepting.
Akaashi drew in a breath, but found that he couldn't say anything. He watched Bokuto with a wary gaze, unaware of what he was to say next.
"I'm already in... Death row. I can.. B-arely speak. I can bare-ly walk... I can't eat. I can't... Sl..eep. The l-last thing you..." He clenched his jaw, frustrated with himself and the words he spoke, "... You... Need to do.. Is worry about me... C-atching a... Cold."
"Bokuto."
"C... Cold or n-not... I'm still... Not going to last v-... Very long. So please... Let me have this."
His eyes were glued to Akaashi's, and Akaashi found that he was unable to look away. Bokuto's eyes said everything to him. He translated all that his words could not.
Akaashi looked down and away from Bokuto, then back to the window.
"... I think the window will be as far as we can go." He said in a hushed voice.
"That's... Fine with me." And just like that, a smile found Bokuto's face again.
Akaashi sighed to himself, frustrated with how easily he'd given in to Bokuto's begging. But as he thought of it, he figured he couldn't be blamed for it. He didn't want to be the one to say no to someone who had little to nothing left in his life.
There was that, and the fact that Akaashi couldn't help but find Bokuto's smile endearing, no matter how sickly he looked when he wore one.
"Come on..." Akaashi reached a hand out to help Bokuto to his feet. He urged him to keep the blanket around him, but Bokuto insisted that he leave it behind. He held onto the IV stand with one hand and Akaashi's hand with his other as he hobbled over to the window. Bokuto's hands were as cold as ice, causing Akaashi's concern in him to grow even more. But no matter how much he worried for him, Akaashi continued on their way to the window at a slow and steady pace until they finally made it.
Once there, Bokuto pulled his hand from Akaashi's and leaned it against the windowsill. The air was bitter and cold, and it hit Bokuto like a slap to the face as another gust of wind forced its way into the hospital room. This did not faze him, however, as Bokuto only closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, allowing the burn of the winter air to fill his lungs. When he exhaled, a puff of smoke left him. Bokuto stuck his head out of the window slightly and kept it there as the snowflakes fell all around him.
"Don't do that." Akaashi pulled Bokuto back inside. He expected to hear a whine of resistance from him, but instead received nothing. Bokuto only complied and stuck his entire arm out instead, watching as each individual snowflake passed around his limb, as if none wanted to touch him. On occasion, one or two would land on him, and he would draw his hand in quickly to try and see if he could make out the small pattern on them. He would study them for quite a while until they melted and left behind nothing more than a droplet on his arm. After this, he would repeat the same process, paying little to no mind to the freezing cold that surrounded him.
Akaashi watched Bokuto, mesmerized by his actions. He almost portrayed the behaviors of a child, sticking to an activity and refusing to let it up, repeating whatever he was up to without having anyone to tell him to stop. Akaashi furrowed his brow and looked outside, away from Bokuto. That familiar feeling of dread was rising from deep within him, something Akaashi wanted to forget. He placed one hand on the windowsill and squeezed, his knuckles going white.
They shared another moment of silence, something that occurred more often than Akaashi would have liked. Though Bokuto's speaking skills weren't as good as they used to be, he was still the more talkative one out of the two. So whenever he went silent, an unwelcomed feeling of discomfort found its home within Akaashi. He wanted to rid himself of this feeling, rid himself of this silence, so he searched his mind in haste for any word that came to mind. He needed something – anything – to say to Bokuto, just so that he could liberate himself of the horrid feeling that threatened to overtake him.
"You know... I never asked." Akaashi managed to say, staring out into the distance. "Why are you so fond of the snow, Bokuto?"
He waited for an answer, but did not receive one. Unnerved, he spoke up again.
"I mean, in your state now, it's a bit clichéd, don't you think?" It was his attempt at brightening the mood, or "being funny," as some called it, but alas, his words had fallen flat on the ground as he received another silent reply from Bokuto. Akaashi frowned deeply. He turned his head to get a clear look at Bokuto's face, but instantly wished he hadn't.
In his silence, Bokuto wept to himself, fat tears rolling down his cheeks in numbers. The hand that supported his weight against the windowsill trembled without pause, and his other remained outside, shaking in the cold dead of night. Several flakes had gathered on the outstretched limb, but they were not quick to melt. They settled there, deeming Bokuto one of them for the remainder of their frozen lives before they eventually melted or fell away.
Akaashi stared at Bokuto, opened his mouth to say something, but found that he couldn't form even one simple word. Realizing this, Akaashi decided to take action instead and reach out to comfort him, but not even this he could do. His arms and legs were stiff, as were his eyes. All he could do was stare at the melancholic performance that played out before him.
Do something... Akaashi closed his mouth and swallowed.
Do something... Anything .
Akaashi's body didn't respond.
He could only watch as those tears fell at a faster pace, down onto his hospital gown and onto the floor. The light that came from outside reflected off of Bokuto's teardrops, lighting his face up in the most gentle of ways. Eventually, Bokuto drew back his hand and let it fall to his side. He hung his head and tried to keep his crying controlled in the best way possible, but this proved to be very difficult as sobs broke out of him, causing his entire being to shake.
After a moment of trying to gather himself, Bokuto choked out two simple words with quivering lips.
"Why... me..?"
Akaashi stared on as his mind searched for words. He found some and said them without a second thought.
"Because life is unfair."
Bokuto reached up a cold, frail hand to wipe at the mess that was his face. "I w...anted to do s-so many things..."
"I know." Akaashi balled his hand into a fist, mentally scolding himself for the present lack of emotion in his voice.
As Bokuto backed away from the window, Akaashi was quick to close it, locking the bitter night air out of the room for the remainder of the night. He then reached out and took hold of Bokuto's arm to help him back to the bed.
Once they'd reached it, Bokuto resumed his usual position and wrapped the thick blanket around himself, then turned away from Akaashi. He watched the window quietly, paying no mind to his visitor, or so Akaashi thought. In a matter of minutes, just as Akaashi had started to fidget, Bokuto spoke up.
"Akaashi..."
"Yes?" His undivided attention was on Bokuto.
He hesitated for a moment, but finally spoke up. "I don't want you to visit me anymore."
Akaashi's eyes squinted to the words, and he leaned forward in shock. "What?"
"Please... Don't visit me... Anymore."
"No." Akaashi stood from his seat.
"Please-"
"No. It's a little too late for that, Bokuto." A shiver racked Akaashi, causing the hairs on the back of his neck to stand.
"Akaashi, please..."
"No is my final answer." He stalked over to the other side of the bed, where he would be able to look at Bokuto's face. Once Bokuto noticed this, he turned his head and slowly rolled away. Akaashi's eyes widened, his emotions now falling victim to a strange mix of fear and fury.
"Bokuto, what is the meaning of this?"
Bokuto didn't respond. He remained in the same position and only moved his hand to wipe at his face again.
"Answer me."
Sucking his teeth, Bokuto pulled the blanket up to just beneath his chin. It took some time, but he finally answered.
"I don't want you... to grow... any m-more attached to me th-than y-you already are."
Akaashi nearly scoffed. "What makes you think I'm attached to you? I never said that I was."
This time, Bokuto directed his attention to Akaashi. He wore a grimace upon his reddened face.
"Sh-shut up, Akaashi..." He breathed in deeply, frustrated with himself and the gradual growth of his speech impediment, but continued on. "I know... You hate hosp-itals. Don't... Come telling m-me now that you... Have only been... coming here every day because y-you wanted to."
Akaashi had nothing else to say. He stared at Bokuto with his lips parted, as if he were going to speak, but ended up speechless.
"I know that... You care... Ev-... Even if it's just a little bit." Bokuto covered his mouth and coughed suddenly. He found that speaking was taking much more energy than he thought. Still, he continued to talk. "I don't... Know much about this... Disease. Partly be-...cause I was too afraid to read up on it. But... I know I don't have... much time left." His frustration slowly faded, and all that was left behind upon his pale face was a look of defeat.
"One, maybe two months at most, if I'm lucky. That's... How long I know I have... Left."
The air around Akaashi thickened, and suddenly he found it difficult to breathe.
Bokuto looked down and twisted his lips to the side. "I heard the doctors talking. They d...on't know how to... H-heal me, so..." From beneath the blanket, Akaashi could see Bokuto's shoulders rise and fall. "It's just... A slow, downhill ride f-f...rom here. And I d-don't want you to... See it all h-hap...pen."
Bokuto lay there glass-eyed, his welled up tears glinting in the dim lighting of the room.
"I don't... Want you to... Watch me decay."
Small tears spilled out of Bokuto's eyes and rolled down his hauntingly placid features. "So I figured if you left now... You... Wouldn't have to... And it wouldn't h-hurt so much..."
Once again, that crippling spell took hold of him, and Akaashi couldn't move, nor could he speak. All he could do was watch in muted anguish as Bokuto finally accepted what had become of his short lived life. Akaashi realized that those smiles he'd seen before were smiles of denial – forced grins that tried desperately to trick Bokuto into thinking that everything would be fine. But he couldn't keep it up forever. Not in the state that he was in. Bokuto had always been struggling to keep a positive front, but inside, he was falling apart all along.
Akaashi knew this now.
In an attempt to move, he tapped his fingers against his legs at an impatient pace. He was trying everything he could to psych himself into doing at least something to let Bokuto know that he was there for him.
Do something... As if he were one of the living dead, Akaashi forced one leg forward, then the next, until he was touching the bed side. He pushed his negative thoughts aside and sat himself down in bed, right next to Bokuto. Akaashi did not give him time to react to this as he moved closer still, and when he was close enough, he lowered his head to lean it on Bokuto's shoulder.
Akaashi squeezed his hands together to keep them from shaking uncontrollably.
"I'm not leaving, Koutarou." His voice was hushed, gentle. "And nothing you say will make me leave."
Bokuto kept silent. Not a word left him, even as he reached a hand up to wipe at his face again. He only sniffed on occasion, and shifted in place, but never did he say anything to oppose Akaashi's decision.
He was glad.
Akaashi turned his head slightly, his cheek gently resting on Bokuto's shoulder. He took in a slow, deep breath and closed his eyes, and his eyebrows knit together for only a second. His hands quivered as he dug his nails into his knuckles.
Bokuto no longer smelled like a hospital.
Bokuto smelled like... Home.
Weekly Power Status
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