Chapter 4: It's Ok To Be Not Okay
The next morning was pretty slow mo maybe it's because i couldn't get much sleep but i didn't really feel like attending uni either,i mean even tho i was feeling kinda excited the night before i really felt like a mess in the morning,,,,, ah btw i had forgotten to mention that i get these mini anxiety attacks now and then which would lead to me feeling really low and sad, but i never really sat down and spoke about it with anyone since i didn't really want anyone to feel like i was overreacting or anything,yeah i know it's stupid of me to assume things without even trying but insecurities and people like me tend to overthink about the most smallest things and this was a pretty major one, atleast for me .
The day went by and it was a pretty normal day i wasn't really in the mood for anything tbh, my fellow classmates on the other hand were still in the mist of knowing and interacting with eachother and a few of them already made friends while i was at a corner trying to think of possible ways of fitting in and making new friends.... yeah yeah ik i kind of fast forwarded my love/crush story to this but i wanted to put this out as well. You know life isn't just all about love there is so much more to it but i honestly haven't personally witnessed much,and i really wanted to make this phase of my life worthwhile and different...anyways moving on,so yeah people were making friends while i was at a corner sitting alone staring at my book so that i don't look awkward just so you know i am an introvert and if any of you are like me as well then you might know how to feels.I hate awkward situations like i can't stand them at all everytime I'm in one,i just want to make a quick exit beacuse I'm just badat handling situations like them and for me the quickest possible way to get out of such situations are to escape.
Days went by and like a week passed but i still got no friends this is where things started bothering me also FYI it's not like i haven't spoken to anybody i talk I'm a chill person but no one seems to take an interest me and it's not like it's their fault either but that really makes me wonder whether i come off as boring or am i just weird to them, see the thing is if someone doesn't wanna talk with me I'm fine with it but the problem is that i take matters like this generally and end up distancing myself from everyone around me and that hurts you know like in everyway possible way and you thought my love life was the only gloomy thing i had naaah I'm pretty bad at the friends part as well.
There are so many things that i think about you know, i have always had this desire to have a group of friends and do the most craziest things possible together. Sadly that never happened to me and whenever i thought about things like that i would honestly feel heart broken and break down,i cry..... and when i do cry i cry a lot i mean I'm probably not the only person who is going thru things and I'm aware of that but only you know how it feels.Everyone deals with matters differently,for me crying is the only way i can comfort myself like its like me trying to calm myself because thats the way i deal my problems,if not all of them then a good amount of them mainly because i don't share my pain with anyone and i also put on a mask that makes me look strong and stress free so it's hard to pretend like things are okay for me when they are not.
Tbh it's ok....it's ok to be not okay and this took me sometime to realise.It's not something to be ashamed of, you don't have to pretend like things are all sugar and nice 24/7,this is life things happen and you don't have to put on a mask and pretend like you aren't hurt, it's ok to cry its ok to complaint, i know....i know how difficult it is for a few of us to open up about certain problems that we have in our lives.But pretending like you have to be strong everytime is not ok that's why, whenever you feel like you are being hard on yourself at stressful times be sure to take a step back,get rid of your mask,take your time,relax and then pull yourself back together,coz at the end of the day you understand yourself better than anyone else.
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