Chapter 1: Day 1
To justify his shortcomings he shouts at me. The only thing keeping me at bay is maybe an idea that i can't do anything to him. "Cocky anger, i could shake you, and i know you so don't push it." This was written on my face all day with him around. I still relinquish the thought of taking a step, and take whatever comes at me and I think that someday somebody very peculiar is going to kill a loved one and the mercy that that person didn't show would be shown to me. I am preparing still, to take in that mercy, that happiness inside.
It still hasn't come and now he isn't the only one i wish to escape from.
I am a culmination of all that had happened with what i mockingly call my life, why mockingly you ask? Well, just to not answer that, i would say it's been a happy life. That's how much of a pretend i am living in. The mask stays on for so long that i sometimes feel like i should stay behind a rock but i don't think I can life without the attention and attachment.
I am not insensitive, maybe i want to be but i am not. I adore the attachment and the fact that it happens so quickly to me. But more than that, i suspect. Enough suspicion can bring delusions and make you paranoid. Paranoia- sounds like a medically incurable condition, but infact is quite curable. It's just that the people suffering have already suffered enough to suffer more.
"Hurt people hurt people"
A killer is born - no, never. No one comes out of a vagina with pre-installed urge for their hands drenched in someone's blood. A killer is made, and maybe in the process, the person themselves wouldn't understand what's happening but one thing that's for sure is that the process is always happier than the end result.
In today's world, a killer killing a person who wanted to die and a different killer killing a person filled to the brim with life will still get the same punishment if there's no proof. Proof - isn't that what we are all trying to leave behind?
Living and fucking and leaving the kids behind so they could grow big and live and fuck and so on....
Trying our hardest to leave a proof that we lived. That coding in the DNA has been brought by evolution, am i broken?
Even after all of this, i still can't take the mask off and smile once without the weight of me weighing me down.
Signing off
-sidhant
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