Chapter 2: Memories we take for granted

The stench of sawdust trails up my nose and stings my eyes, continually turning them into a bloodshot colour and draining the colours out of my face. I know I shouldn't be here especially since my asthma has this easy way of catching up with me.

I'm wrapped up in my own arms shielding me from the flying dust and the surroundings of the attic. I promise myself I wouldn't cry, you're running away Kaiden. This is what you wanted, to get away, go somewhere else. This is my home, this is where I treasure. For some reason I still feel a weight on my shoulders, I'm hoping they'll disappear the second I'm out the door. I squeeze my eyes shut tight hoping my thoughts can drown out, then I start thinking of my parents. Great.

I think everyone who has parents who are there for them, take it for granted all their lives. The love of a mother matches no kind of love, the sacrifice and proudness of a father are infinite - That's what Leon said. See, he has this beautiful way with words. I have to admit, it can drive anyone to jealousy or complete awe. To be honest, I guess he's right.

At least they have their parents there for them every day, at least they know their parents off by heart, at least they have some type of a connection. When I hear about the love of grandparents, I long for something like that.

Aunt Cassidy says the only way I connect through him, is the words of his writing. My Grandfather's, although it feels like I'm miles away from him, his words pull me into an embrace. I think it's stupid, but I've lost all hope. I want to feel something, to know somebody, to be with them - even if it's through ink scattered across the page. I long to know someone.

I look around, standing up to keep myself busy. Any time I feel defeated or sacred this is the first place I come, it always has been as young as I can remember. Being scared in the middle of the night without Leon, I'd run to here, anytime I needed to escape, this place. It dawns on me that I won't have this privacy anymore.

My foot catches on something, I fall face first, I feel the sawdust drag across my face that leave unwanted red marks. Sudden coughing erupts from me and causes my chest to ache. I blink rapidly to get rid of the dust in my eyes. Books I've never seen before fall out, the box is marked with my Grandfathers name: Hirosha (Leon) Hamada.

The pages are crisp, delicate and tinted from age. I turn through each page delicately, finally being able to make out what each of the words mean to me through the messy but neat handwriting that belonged to my Grandfather.

Maybe he struggled, maybe there's something to give me some sort of reassurance. The weird thing is, although it's outdated, the words still sound the same. Aunt Cass says he's like me and Leon combined, which is unimaginable for any comfort and amazing at the same time.

Below me, I hear the door swing open. I freeze in panic hearing the familiar weight of my brothers' footsteps creak on the floorboards. He paces up and down the house calling my name, I prayed hoping he wouldn't look up here. The last place he would look is here, especially since I have asthma. I sneak back into my room hoping to avoid confrontation with him. Just grab the bag and leave.

Bringing my emotions down, I place my phone down on the table - I can't have anyone following me or tracking me down. As I make my way to the door avoiding eye contact with anything that could drag me back or stop me, I come face to face with Leon.

"Hey, Kaiden." His body is covered in a layer of sweat, he keeps heaving out of breath, which means he's been running. He eyes me suspiciously looking at the bag hanging by my shoulder before his eyes calm down again.

"You good?" I think back to him walking past me hours ago, he didn't seem to care. Why now?

"Yeah," I say flatly.

"I caught up with Mr Johnson today." He starts.

"Who?"

"Seriously? The one with the beard and I thought I had a short memory."

"What did he want?" I said growing impatient.

"Singing your praise, he said you got full marks in a test. That's amazing you know? He said you're gifted, a blessing," Leon takes a seat in his swivel chair and spins around eyes closed, head back, "It's weird how people keep saying that. "We're such a blessing" it's like I want to knock their teeth out. Our family, blessed? Are parents murdered, such a blessing?"

I need to end this conversation, he notices the panic in my eyes.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He persists.

"Yeah."

"You haven't said a word since."

"You know, I'm not feeling it today. Especially after that asthma attack."

"I'm sorry again for not finding to you sooner. If you need to talk, I'm here remember! I don't know why, I keep having this feeling you forget I'm here, forget you're my brother. I'm here Kaiden, I'm not going to hurt you. Sometimes I wish I wasn't all caught up. I'm still your brother." He has these random moments of paranoia where he thinks he'll lose everyone he has.

"Yeah, whatever," I say. I shuffled to the doorway making my escape when he stopped me.

"Kaiden. You forgot your phone."

I took it reluctantly without looking him in the eye.

"Where are you going?" He asks.

"Nowhere," I say quickly changing my mind. I bury myself in my duvets.

He left as soon as he came, good. I groan in frustration looking up at the ceiling. It's too suspicious to leave now. I'll leave when they're sleeping.

I glance in surprise at the time. I've been so distracted I didn't even realize they're both back. Hesitantly I run down the stairs leading back into the house bracing for my Aunts normal speeches. The heavy smell of food lingers in the air. Leon's already sitting down digging eagerly in his plate of food, stops suddenly when he glances up.

"At last. Where have you been?" Leon asks.

Blatantly I ignore him and make my way over to the table facing away from him and avoided eye contact.

"Are you feeling okay Kaiden?" She asks. Guilt suddenly washes over me, deep down knowing what I'm about to do in a few hours, I avoid her eyes.

"Kaiden?" She repeats lightly tapping my shoulder.

"Yeah I'm okay, I've just had a rough day."

"I was looking for you all over, like the second I heard what happened," Leon says

"Hmm," I mumble with my head still down.

"Are you sure you don't need to get checked over? Something like this happened years ago, you said you were okay then two hours later, you fainted." She painfully reminds me, as she inspects my face holding my chin to face her. In annoyance, I twist my head away from her.

"I'm fine. Trust me." I repeat.

Leon's talking about some other crazy thing that happened at school today, if only Aunt Cass knew it's just everyday life for us. I'm just staring at the plate of my food, unable to eat because of the thoughts that chase around in my head. Aunt Cass has noticed I haven't touched my food in more than 8 minutes knowing instantly there's something very wrong.

"Aren't you going to eat honey?"

"I don't feel hungry."

Leon stares at me as if he's pelting knives into my skin in the 'you know how she reacts when you basically call her food bad' but I couldn't care less.

"Aw, come on Kaiden, one bite, just one?" She asks.

There's no point trying to get past her. I clench my teeth bracing for the impact of her disappointment, instead, she sits down and smiles up at me trying to read my expression.

"It's okay." She says.

This keeps getting better and better.

"I can't believe the school actually let you go. Josh Walker broke his arm in training, they wouldn't let him go until the day was over. It was all over everyone's snapchat stories. Gosh, I'm sure he'll never hear the end of it."

"Why is it now you suddenly seem to care?" I snap.

"Hey. Both of you play nice, it's school break soon. You're both going to be under the same roof be good with each other."

Too late.

He's staring intensely at me now.

"No, what have you got to say Kaiden?" He says.

"Nothing."

"Thought so."

"Screw you then," I mumble loud enough for him to hear.

"Get lost."

I get up abruptly as chair scrapes along the floor, "Trust me I will." I say coldly. Instinctively I walk away not wanting to listen to any more to his wasted words.

"Listen if, this is about our parents and what you heard today--"

Sharply cutting him off I scream, "No one could care less if they're dead or not. I didn't know them, I never wanted to and guess what? I'm okay."

"What do you mean?"

"I couldn't care less if I knew them. But you, you act like you've lost everyone. "

My Aunt watched silently as all of this unfolded. I'm already at the top of the flight of stairs before I realize. I've had so many things going through my mind, it's almost as if he knew I'd feel that way. Of course, I was hesitant, pushing the thoughts once again out the way, I began stuffing the most important things in my rucksack. I looked around taking in the room once more. For some strange reason, the scent sends shots of Nostalgia through me, sending this gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach. I need to let this place go.

The feeling of nausea suddenly overpowers me, I sit down forcefully on my bed, my raincoat being my comfort. I turn off the lights and lay in darkness. Tears sinking silently into the pillow below me.

***

Opening my eyes in alarm, I gaze sleepily at the clock the crimson light radiating the numbers 22:27 PM. The slow sound of heavy rain hides in the background, I get up and look outside at the streams of rain that paint the window. I look over at Leon sleeping soundly.

This is my chance.

With no time to waste, I slowly get up, I jump 2 stairs at a time, swing the door open and look back one more time. The landing is scattered in papers that have fallen off the desk, the heavy smell of dry wood sticks in my throat. I take in the surroundings of my home once more. Maybe another time. This is the night I run away, the night my worries supposedly fly away far from my reach, I don't have anyone asking or taking from me, the moment I can run away from you, you and you. I don't have to look over my shoulder or worry of getting hurt inside out. It's not like they ever cared, they want me gone, I know that now, the truth hurts to realize and now I've acted on it, is it too late? Or it's now or never.

I step out into the busy roads glossed in the fresh rain, the crimson glow of brake lights illuminating against the roads. I pull my hood over my head as it covers half my face, I lazily try to pull it away from my eyes. People scatter about, taking shelter as the clouds bellows deepen, rain getting heavier as the drops increase. They seep down into the drainage systems below.

Yeah, I know I can be ungrateful, yeah, I know I can be a mess most of the time, but can't you see me for what I am past that? I've had enough I being under his shadow all the time, half the time he doesn't care, if he really cared he would come after me. Scaring him is all he needs.

They've always wanted me gone, I'm too much for them to handle. I'll never be good enough and every time I try, rejection falls and crushes me. I'm not the same as them, I don't know how to deal with the pressure. They can't deal with my mind.

I start to let my mind wander back home knowing they'll wake up and I won't be there. With each step, they begin to feel meaningless. The more the streets fade out and become wider the more stupid I feel. The more reluctant. The smells have changed into something dark and smoky. My thoughts fight with my heart, each foot heavier. Cars breeze past, everything seems quieter and turned down. But even when the surroundings in the night are down, I feel most on edge. The eerie silence is surreal, cars trail past with caution when entering a run-down estate. Random people trail with their night anxiety, either deserted streets or collected groups of teens that heighten my feelings of vulnerability.

Suddenly the stench of lit cigarettes trails around making my eyes sting almost immediately and fill with water. Eyes are still trained on me, although my face is hidden it still burns with embarrassment. Why do I have to be so weak when it comes to these things? I grab a cup of water and take a seat between the empty rows away from the atmosphere of people.

I start to regret the fact I didn't make myself look older than I really am, the only thing that can give me away is my height and voice. I always wondered how come I never grew as fast as Leon. He always got everything. I wish it was a lie, but it's the truth. That's how it's always been. From 12 he looked at least 15. It was his weapon and he knew it.

I look around aimlessly, the feeling of sickness resurfacing. I quickly remind myself of all the reasons I'm doing this, pushing the negative away. Rubbing my eyes violently I exhale deeply to calm my inner worries. Forget them Kaiden. They never wanted you. Go back now they'll act like they care for a few moments and go back to the same. Do you think they really care? They couldn't care less about you.

I crush the plastic cup in my hand, why can't my head shut up and now I feel my head spinning, headaches. I throw the cup, rummage through my bag and take out my second phone earphones following. I owe it to Leon telling me to keep it in case of emergencies. Finding comfort in music I close my eyes and I try to imagine while forgetting myself in the words. Lately, it's been my first resort at my lowest moments. My way of getting by.

Being immersed in my own world I almost forget my surroundings out of the corner of my eye I notice the burning glare of the ticket attendant. I knew I had to get my ticket sooner or later. Reluctantly, I get up and make my way towards the glare. This could go two ways, sweet talk or standoffish.

"Aren't you a little young to be on your own?"

"I'm here with my parents, they told me to come over and get a ticket. Aren't you meant to be doing your job?" I say.

I hold my breath waiting for his blow to hit me. He exhales sharply, shuffles slightly and casts his gaze back on me.

"So?"

"So..."

"Well, are you going to stare at me like you've seen a ghost, or pay?"

I internally relax as I feel the weight lift off. This is it, goodbye Florida. I think of the first place that was mentioned in the books I found in the attic.

"One-way ticket to New York."

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