Chapter 1: The White Ape
Never did I ever think in my entire life I would be confident enough to talk about something so personal to me, something that defined my whole being for so many years and in some areas of my life, it still does. Albinism, for many years, was my identity. I was the "gori larki", "safaid balon wali larki", and "chashmish". In school, these appellations were given to me, and humorous enough, some people didn't even know my real name. One label that has stuck with me to this day is "white ape" not sure why but out of all, this one always strikes directly in the heart.
For those who do not know what "Albinism" is, it is a rare genetic condition caused by mutations of specific genes that affect the amount of Melanin our body produces. Melanin controls the pigmentation of our skin, eyes and hair. Albinism has two main types: Ocular Albinism (OA), which primarily concerns the eyes, and Oculocutaneous Albinism (OCA), which affects the skin, hair, and eyes. What I have is type 2; Oculocutaneous Albinism. This type impacts one's skin, eyes and hair; my skin is white and pink-tinted, and my eyes are greyish, which sometimes appear to be pink or red because the blood vessels inside my eyes show through the irises, and my hair is pale and white.
Growing up, I always had my brother to look up to, he also has Albinism and is the same type as me, so I never thought of myself as different. To top it all off, I lived in the tiny city of Sahiwal, where my family was well known, and since we lived in a joined family system, my siblings, cousins and I all went to the same school. We were spread throughout the school, from the senior-most class to the junior-most class. That was always my protective shield. I knew if anything was to go wrong, I could call out to anyone for help.
One day at home, as we would call it back then, I remember a friend of mine's brother picked on me, called me names, and I ran to my sister, who was 5 years senior and cried like a baby. She asked a teacher to comfort me and gathered all my cousins and her friends and took that boy behind the football court; I never thought my sister could do it, but she beat up that poor soul. From that day forward, I gained this weird sense of confidence, almost pride and knowing no one could mess with me did not make me comfortable with how I looked. But instead, it distracted me from it, and I completely shut that chapter of my life.
However, it did not take long for me to relive my reality and regain consciousness. In 2010 my family decided to move to Lahore. I was separated from my support system, my siblings went to different schools, and I stepped into the real world for the first time. The comfort of knowing that I had support was taken away from me. I was put into the midst of a tornado and was expected to stand strong and still, and to my surprise, it was not what I envisioned it to be or what I was promised. The children were ruthless, and the teachers weren't any better either. For the first time in my life, I felt alone and to feel that way at the age of 10 is not easy. Now that I think of it at the age of 22, I surprised myself with how I survived those times.
I was a shy kid back then at school because no one ever talked to me, and those who did speak to me only did it to make fun of me. I started to withdraw from everything, and I never dared to tell my parents or siblings what I was going through. I managed to make some friends, but even with them, I always felt distant and felt like I did not fit in; it made me even more miserable on the inside. To make myself acceptable, I dyed my hair brown, and the next day, when I went to school with brown hair, it felt like a whole new world, not a better one. Those who used to be nice to me also turned their back on me, and while I thought I had taken a step forward, it was as if I had taken ten steps back.
Till the age of 14, I kept all my emotions, battles, and rage bottled up. It felt like a time bomb was ticking inside me, and it was to blast anytime. At the age of 14, I started my O'levels, and it was monumental for me; I felt like I was officially adulting. To cope with everything and maintain my sanity, I found my escape in two things, 1: listening to music and 2: taking long hot showers. One night almost a week before I was to start my O'levels, I soaked myself in hot water, and while I cried my heart out and let my sorrows evaporate into the hot steam, I vowed to myself that I would change, that I wouldn't be the shy girl who boys used to beat up anymore. That night, I took an oath to build a concrete-like wall around me that no one could shatter, and I told myself that I would become the person everyone wanted to be friends with.
Instead of letting my anger build up in me, I started to voice it, and it got to a point where my temperament issues got pretty bad. I used my temperament as a curtain to hide my insecurities, fears, anxiety and depression. I started to get involved in events at school. I began to do everything I could to make myself seen and gain acceptance from those around me. By the time I started my university in 2019, I had made a name for myself, and my peers respected me; my teachers adored me, and I had made genuine friendships. But to gain it all, the price that I paid was a bit too high. I lost touch with myself; I became a version of myself that people wanted me to be and not someone I genially am, and when Covid'19 hit, it crimpled me. Sitting alone at home allowed me to think about the past years and what I had done to myself, and it occurred to me that people around me accepted me for who I am, but I never did, and I only faked to make it.
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