Chapter 57: Dinner with the Imperial couple
I pick at the food Fluttering Bird serves onto my plate with care, trying to be neat and not make a mess. To be honest, the harder I try, the more my hands shake and the bigger a mess I make. How embarrassing. Maybe I should just stop trying to eat or let Fluttering Bird feed me. The food is delicious when it finally makes it into my mouth but getting it into my mouth in the first place is the trick. There's too much imperial pressure in here.
We might know each other better now but they are the people in golden robes. There's a line that can't be crossed. I just can't feel comfortable whenever they're around.
"Calm down, my Lady," Fluttering Bird murmurs in my ear.
"Princess Apricot Blossom," Far Sight says, his eyes smiling in amusement. He pretends not to see what is going on, "your idea of sending a painting to my beloved and to my hall ahead of time was marvelous. I think we should continue with this way of doing things next time as well."
"Next time?" I query in a quavering voice. The piece of meat in my chopsticks slips from my grip and drops onto my plate such that sauce splatters. I sigh and give up trying to eat, putting down my chopsticks to wipe at the drops of sauce. Serenity has hidden her face behind her handkerchief but her eyes hold a hint of impatience. Never mind her feeling impatient, I am too. I want my bed.
The tea with the young minister and his wife was tiring enough. I still didn't quite understand and didn't want to understand why Far Sight insisted that they have tea with me first. Just this one meeting was enough to fatigue my mind for days and he still insisted on having a semi-formal dinner that they said wasn't formal on the same day. And there was still going to be a next time?
"Are you tired?" Far Sight gives me what appears to be a helpless smile.
"Yes," I say bluntly, feeling tears rise in my eyes. I am really tired. All right? Really, really tired.
"This Imperial Majesty apologises," Far Sight sighs, "but your assistance is needed. Aren't you willing to help my beloved Empress and this Imperial Majesty in managing the empire? We truly require your assistance and support. You've been steadily getting better and we have noticed that you have a certain skill in managing things."
I glance over at Serenity and she nods, looking ever perfect from the way she lifts her cup to the way she eats. If only I could be so perfect.
When I keep silent, Far Sight exchanges glances with Serenity.
"Little Apricot," Serenity says with a formal smile, "we'll send you the dishes you enjoyed today to you tomorrow, so that you can eat more. I've arranged for some fountains and water features to be built in one of the empty areas of your side palace together with a swing. We can arrange picnics there in the future with some of our friends and the children, what do you think?"
My eyes brighten.
"I've also just received a new type of ink," Far Sight adds. "It makes a thicker and more vibrant colour. Since I have two sets, I will send you one set of it."
My eyes glow and I wriggle a bit in my seat. Yet I still feel reluctant to agree.
"You only need to have tea with people every now and then," Serenity tells me. "If you find it too tiring, how about we only send them if we really need help and no more than three a month? All you have to do is have tea, chat and give them a name. Like today, you then send his Imperial Majesty and myself a report before we meet them."
"In exchange, every quarter year, you can present me with a request to grant and I will give it to you if it's within my ability," Far Sight says, trying to persuade me.
"Once a month," I finally open my mouth to barter with them.
"Two," Far Sight's entire face beams at my agreement. "Twice a month and only if I really need your help. After, I will grant them the name you have given them. It can be sign of imperial favour proving their work has been recognised."
"What if they aren't a good person? What if I give them a bad name?" I ask, allowing Fluttering Bird to dab my moist eyes. I would like to help but am I really any help? What if I make things worse? The imperial court and all the politics involved are a sinister marshland of danger. I've seen it before. There are hidden plots and snares everywhere and I don't know the political landscape here with enough details to avoid all the traps. To be honest, I doubt I will ever escape my life as a lowly pawn since I have such difficulty thinking with clarity most of the time.
"What you did today was well done," Far Sight says. "If the person I send is truly no good, then you send me word ahead of time. Little Apricot, you may not realise it but you are a very good indicator for us. You seem to be able to see beyond a person's face and into their intentions. I understand it's very tiring for you but you're getting better. Your health is improving. It's good to have work to do other than dwell on the past."
"What past?" I ask him with a sharp gaze. "You're just trying to push me out so that you don't get blamed for every decision you make. You want to lessen the hatred and aggression on yourself and pull my mental health and childishness out as an excuse for others - to say that because I'm a simpler person now, I see to the truth of things. Tell me, Far Sight, why should I make myself a bigger target in this prison that I can't leave?"
"Prison?" Far Sight is shocked while a sort of understanding dawns on Serenity's face. Displeasure fills his eyes. "How is the palace a prison? I've given you a home, protection, money - everything you could want. You aren't my prisoner. Little Apricot, how can you misunderstand my intentions? Why are you being so ungrateful? I allow you to speak your mind but don't push things too far and make unfair accusations."
Serenity reaches over and lays a hand on his arm to calm his agitation.
"Far Sight, I don't remember a lot of things anymore," I say seriously, "and there are times where I do get lost. There are also times where I am clear on what is going on. I know exactly where my boundaries are and there are some things I do without being able to stop myself. You've heard of what I was like before. I'm pretty sure you must have seen what I was like before. You also saw me after. There are times when I wake up and look at the tall palace walls and feel like nothing has changed. You could let me leave. You could have allowed me to leave and live outside the palace long ago but you insisted that I stay. You say it's for my protection. You and other people say a lot of things, but nobody ever asked me for my opinion. I won't go into the details. Right now, you think you are always right and that everyone has to listen to you because you are the Emperor. I am only willing to stay because I hope and believe you will be a better emperor that the Former Emperor. Please don't forget that 'Emperor' is only a title. Don't forget who you truly are in an attempt to keep that title. Don't let it get to your head and mess with reason and practicality. I am grateful and thankful for everything you have given me but please, at least give me some freedom to choose what I want to do with my life and time."
There is silence in the hall and I can feel Fluttering Bird trembling beside me.
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
Tonukurio
Tonukurio In editing, I have noticed so many little mistakes. I'm so sorry that it's taken me so long to see them. It's been a while since I last looked at this story. Please do help me pick up any spelling or grammatical mistakes and leave a note. I'll appreciate it. A person always misses things when they're self-editing.
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