Chapter 19: Chapter 12

Hmm, where do i start? The thoughts are repetitive to a fault, well the memories i should say. It is Nicoles utter bullshit that I'm hearing in my head, "dont let your father find out" " smoke with mommy please" "but mommy doesnt want you to grow up" "quit fucking crying Katrina, seriously, come one, just calm down" "if dad finds out he will kill us both" "share with mommy, don't you love mommy?"(referring to weed). That was all normal for me to hear though. It is funny how now i can re hear all of it, and it is so much worse than before. Now I know how wrong all those things were to be saying to me, her child. I understand she should not have ever been smoking with me, or bribing me into giving her some of my weed, or keeping secrets from my dad. "I'm dating (insert 1 of 5473932853 mens names) don't tell your father Katrina it would kill him." or "dad can't know youre talking to (insert 1 of 48636892 mens names), you better not let him find out". My absolute fucking favorite thing is that she fucking knew how badly it was ultimately gooing to hurt my father. She knew that it would break him, yet she still did it. She still continued to date men and the first man I knew of, knew she was a married woman. Fucking homewrecker Hank. Hank liked to flirt with me, "your tongue is so long" "haha what that tongue do". Then there was "you better not tell your father he's saying those things to you", at least Nicole protected her lovers, even if she never protected me. It goes to show she did know how to be a protector, but she chose not to be mine. The woman who was supposed to protect me, and love me and shower me in love and acceptance, never did any of that for me. It's like she wasted too much of her good on other people, to give any to me. I feel abandoned by her even though I officially made the choice to have no contact with her, because she did not try to stop me from pulling away, nor did she try to be better. She always pretended to care about me, she always wanted everyone to think that she was this awesome mother, and her kids were well taken care of. We were taken care of physically, but emotionally, I absolutely was not. To this day i still hate crying and get angry with myself for crying because she so often said "quit it" "are you seriously crying" "katrina you're just being dramatic, knock it off", and when i cry, i hear those things. It's called an intrusive memory, and intrusive memories don't just go away. Quite frankly, I'm not sure how she almost never was okay with me crying, because often I truly did have a valid reason to, however at the time, I thought she was right to tell me I shouldn't be crying. I cry often but everytime I do, it's hell. I feel like I'm out of control everytime I show too much emotion, or let someone in too much. I feel like i am wrong for feeling when i do feel, and the fact that I feel everything so fucking intensely, makes the situation worse everytime. It is a cycle that I can't seem to escape.No matter what I do or where I go, who I'm with, or who I talk to, the cycle remains. I just want to be normal, I want to feel and breathe and think like everyone else. I want to not be mentally ill is what I really mean. Homewrecker Hank also smoked weed with me and tried to trip with me when i was fucking fourteen. I guess the free weed cancelled out the creepy comments like PEMDAS for a little while there, not anymore though. Now I see the wrong, and I know how messed up the whole situation was. That isn't so bad, but it haunts me. I wonder if in any of the time I have blurred out something happened, I wonder if something worse had been said while I was high, or drunk. I wonder if I even know everything that was said to me, or in front of me. I guess I know for sure that I don't know everything seeing as I have to wonder what there is that I don't know. I guess I do more so just wonder what the hell I don't know, because I'm sure there's a lot. I do know that there's a lot that i can't remember, and I know a lot of the time I was high as fuck. I was high for 2 years straight, everyday, weed, xanax, pain killers, adderall, whatever the hell I could get my hands on, I did. It all truly started after I got raped in a closet when I was 13. From there it just went on to get worse and worse, I didn't try to save myself because no one taught me it was wrong. I didn't try to stop because the woman I looked up to the most smoked more weed than snoop dog. I just saw being high and hiding it as normal everyday life, and it's hard not to go back to those behaviors especially when things get tough. Things are tough right now, but I truly do not remember a time when they were not rough.For as long as I can remember, I've had something shitty going on, every day, every week, every month, it's something new. I'm starting to go insane. I feel trapped. I feel like I'm stuck in a hell loop of bad after bad after bad and I need justice for what Nicole did to me. I need things to go my way just this once, she deserves to be punished for her crimes. She deserves to be punished to the fullest extent of the law, and if she isn't, I don't know what I'm going to do. I know I was high or drunk very often, if not constantly, so I'm not surprised that things are blurry. Quite frankly I wish that I hadn't been addicted to drugs, because maybe then I wouldn't have so much trauma, because so much stuff happened while I was high or drunk, or trying to be high or drunk. I know shit happened when I was blacked out, and in some cases, I don't know who did it. I wish things were different, but I can't change the past, only the future. Only being able to control the future is some major bullshit, but I guess I can also control the now. Now, I do my absolute best to make my future better than my past, which at that is still fucking hard to do. Controlling my emotions in the now is incredibly difficult. I just wish I could better control my emotions because maybe then I would have some sense of relief or at least stability. I don't even know what it's like to feel stable, I would love to though. Well, I should say, I don't know what it's like to feel stable sober. I feel invisible like I'm not seen and no one gets me. No one understands who I am. No one understands what goes on in my mind, but I don't think they would want to anyway, because my mind is very messy. My mind is like a huge room, with stuff all over the place, and every good thing about me is hidden under a pile of junk somewhere. I want all of the junk to be organized in some corner, but I can't seem to gather it up quickly enough for it to be clean enough that it even looks like I made any progress. All I want in this world is to make noticeable progress. I want someone to see that I am working on myself and appreciate it. I want to appreciate myself, but I'm so caught up in hating me that it's hard to do.