Chapter 21: Chapter 14
Evan, my boyfriend, is the best thing to have ever happened to me. When we met, I was on drugs, smoking weed, and drinking. The weeks leading up to our meeting were even worse honestly, so much so, they blurred together. And before that I was in a psychiatric institution.
To My Love, if you are reading this,
I have not exactly slept, I am surviving on caffeine. So, I am going to put my feelings out to you and give you nothing but love and affection. You are so so important to me and I really don't know what I would do without you. You know how to calm me down and what to do to get me to open up. You make me hate my body less than I do every time you compliment me. You flirt with me like you're still trying to get with me, like when we first started talking, and THAT is one of my favorite things about us. I worry you will get tired of me eventually, so I want to tell you I will never get tired of you and I never have been, just in case you worry about that too. I'd also like to say, I am proud of you, and you have NEVER and will never let me down because any mistake you make is just that, a mistake. And I would forgive you a thousand times a day for the rest of my life if that's what I had to do to keep you. I love you unconditionally and no matter what. Unconditional means through anything and everything. I love you when you're at your worst and I love you when you're at your best. We will get through all the bad and we can accomplish anything because, as I've said, we are an unstoppable force, we kinda drag each other through life, and I promise you one day it will ALL be worth it, ESPECIALLY if I have anything to do with it. Making you happy and showing you how much you're really worth is my ultimate goal in life because then I will be completely content. You are everything to me. A relationship is a love and friendship and loyalty and trust and joking about each other and competing to make one another happiest, and being content with each other, and communicating, and we have every single one of those. We've been together for a year and that is INSANE to thank about, but it makes me SO very happy because I am lucky enough to get to have you for a long long time. One day we're gonna get married. In conclusion, I love you very very much.
Yours Truly,
K
I am so undeniably in love with this man, you have no clue. He saw me at my absolute worst and is bringing me up to my absolute best, slowly, but surely, it is happening. I have made so much progress since day one, it is insane. I don't know how he made me do it, but I have cleaned my act up. I have gone from a druggie to not a druggie. He makes me smile on days I don't even want to be awake, he makes me laugh on days I can barely hold a smile, and most importantly, he makes me happy. When I am with him, I feel whole, like the void is full once again. It feels like I have a disease that only his love can cure. No one will ever be able to replace him, or his love. His love is like magic and most people don't believe in magic, just as I never believed anyone could help make me whole again. He brings this light into my life, but this light is special, it only showcases the good in my life. He is special to me, more so than anyone or anything else.
Anxiety is eating away at me, creeping under my skin, and crawling up my throat. It's hard to breathe like this. I am not ready to face her, I am not ready to go to court and stand there in front of everyone and announce how terrible of a mother she was to my sisters and I to everyone in the courtroom. I am terrified of not getting justice. I'm not terrified of the woman whose fault this is, no not one bit. I should be though, because who can do what she did with no remorse? No person with morals and ethical obligations could, that's for sure. How does one not feel bad for things like she did? I guess these are just more questions no one is ever going to know the answers to. I feel empty. I feel like there's nowhere and nothing for me, like there's no way for me to be normal.
I wonder what it's like to live without anxiety. To live without a constant voice questioning everything, making me wonder if i'm good enough would be pure bliss. I wonder what it would be like to live without depression, without being so sad I feel numb, and empty. I wonder what life is like without PTSD, and dissociating, without bipolar disorder. I would love to live a life without being bipolar, because at least then I would be consistent. I feel so strange, because this is my normal, but I wish more than anything that I had a more normal feeling, normal life.
Today has been one of the longest days I have had in a long time. All day, i have been trying to figure out what i'm missing, because it feels like i'm missing something, and so far, I can't seem to figure it out. It's like I'm in a trap, not able to get out, even though I have every single thing I need to unlock it. I'm stuck in my head, and there's every way out sitting in front of me, but I can not seem to use any of them, because they won't work. My escape routes are all broken, as am I. I just want out of this pointless cycle that I always seem to be stuck in. I want to stop feeling this pain that I constantly seem to be feeling. I just want to for one day, feel like I am a normal person. I want to know what it's like to be normal, and I wish I could, because maybe I would realize that I don't like normal. I know eventually I would get tired of normal, but maybe it would be nice for just a day. I just wish I knew what it was like more than anything, I would trade anything to know what it is like to not be mentally ill for a day. That's not possible, like many things I want in life, but boy do I wish it were.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone