Chapter 41: Understanding
"That shall wrap up today's lesson," Sona said, putting away her flash cards.
She took Eren's portable whiteboard and marker and wiped it of the kanji and hiragana he had been practicing, taking care that nothing stained, before stowing it, along with the rest of the lesson's material, in the chest kept beneath the bench.
"I shall see you next week," the young Sitri said, standing up and walking away, carefully not looking at Mikasa as her aunt went through a few exercises.
"Sona," Eren called, and the student council president paused.
"Yes, Eren?"
"I need to talk to you."
Sona closed her eyes, exhaling, and turned.
Aunty was still doing her cool-down stretches, and Sona felt another pang of envy at the sight of her toned physique.
It wasn't even the muscles, the grace with which she moved, or even the self-confidence Mikasa held herself with.
It was everything.
Every little thing her aunt did recently sent feelings of doubt and envy through Sona, wounding her pride.
And it was entirely self-inflicted.
Sona knew it was.
Knew it was irrational and unfair.
Sona knew that her aunt did not realize the effect she had when she decided to use Sona's lessons with Eren as times when she could get some physical conditioning in.
Sona would even bet that her sister's Pawn was trying to be kind and give Sona some time alone with Eren without her hovering over them.
Mikasa Ackerman had always underestimated her beauty.
Sona hid all those feelings of envy and so many others as she looked over at Eren.
"Is it important? I have a meeting to get to."
Sona felt a twinge of shame at the lie. She was busy and did have a meeting to get to, but not for a few hours.
"It is," Eren nodded gravely. "It shouldn't take long, but you have been busy, so I need to get this out of the way while I still can."
Sona's heart seized.
"While you still can?" She asked, her worry shining through.
"I don't know if I'll have another chance," Eren's lips pursed. "You've been avoiding me lately."
This time, Sona could not hide the wince at the accusation.
"I've just been busy," Sona explained. "Some stuff happened over the summer, and I need to do a lot of networking for my dream. I haven't had much time for anything at all."
"I am not accusing you," Eren denied. "Despite how busy you are, you haven't missed even a single one of our lessons. I know I am not the most important factor at the moment, and that is fine. It's just... there is something I need you to understand, and I need to be sure you do before anything happens."
Sona looked to her aunt, wondering what she was making of Eren's grim words.
Mikasa was still going through the motions of winding down, but her eyes were closed, and her face was set in a line of grief and sadness.
Sona couldn't help but feel terrible.
Yes, she was jealous. Sona could admit that to herself.
Yes, she had good reason to be.
Right when she had decided to confess to Eren, she learned about his complicated relationship with the woman she had been going to for advice.
And yes, Sona was extremely busy.
Not only with her duties as overseer of this territory, Student Council President, King of a Peerage in the middle of the Young Devil Tournament, a student set to take her college exams soon, and now coordinating and appeasing her sponsors.
But that didn't mean she should have lost herself in her own life and problems.
Not only wasn't it Eren or Aunty's fault, but they had made no effort to rub their relationship, whatever it was, in her face. As far as Sona had seen, they might not have even kissed, let alone anything else.
Sona did not want to become a leader who would let her personal feelings get in the way of not only her happiness but also the happiness of people she cared about.
And... Eren was right. He didn't have much time left.
A few months at least if he did truly die at nineteen, but still, Sona should not be letting her awkwardness and jealousy take away from the time she did have to spend with her friend.
Losing herself in her work was easy.
Confronting her feelings, the truth of them, the truth that they would go nowhere, was much harder.
But it needed to be done.
If nothing else, she didn't want to regret missing these days later in life.
"Sorry," Sona said, closing her eyes and bowing in apology to the boy on the bench. "I shall endeavour to do better."
"Sona," Eren sighed, and Sona could not help the way her heart fluttered at the fond exasperation in his voice.
It was so hard to get even the slightest praise or concern from Eren that when it did shine through, it never failed to fill her heart with warmth.
"I am not saying you need to spend every moment with me. I do not need to be babied. Just slow down. When was the last time you played chess with Rias? Or spent any time with your Peerage outside of training?"
Sona... couldn't remember.
She knew it couldn't be too long ago, but the days were blending together. The closest she got was watching that ridiculous movie, and she left not long after to make up for the work she missed.
Sona was just... so busy.
Now more than ever.
It seemed like every one of her sponsors had wanted information on the events leading to Loki's death.
Half of the remaining Pillar Families were knocking down her door because they knew she had been there when the god died and were suddenly feeling the threat of Chaos Brigade.
While it had increased their respect for her, it also multiplied the demands on her time.
Had she talked to Saji about anything that wasn't his duty or how he was handling Vritra's other Gears? What about Riruko or Momo? Had their affections penetrated Saji's thick skull?
She knew her Peerage was doing well academically, as she tracked that, and physically because Aunty was helping them train, but emotionally?
How were they doing in their lives after watching a god die and being exposed to the True Longinus?
They had all almost died, and Sona... wasn't there to talk with them.
Even if she couldn't provide the emotional support Rias could to her Peerage, Sona had always prided herself on being able to lead them well, with a steady hand and a rilability unique among her generation. She strove to be someone they could trust to have their best interest at heart.
And she was failing them, just as she was failing Eren.
"You are right," Sona said gravely, meeting Eren's grey eyes. "You once told me I should not lose myself to my dream and forget to live. I have done just that."
"Your dream is actually what I wanted to talk to you about," Eren nodded at the spot on the bench beside himself that she had just left.
Sona retook her seat, well aware of her aunt's gaze.
"What about it?"
"The first time we met, you told me you wanted to be a teacher who would accept everyone. Do you remember?"
"I do," Sona couldn't help the smile that arose at the memory.
Oh, if she had only known who she was talking to then... Actually, Sona wouldn't have changed anything.
Still, Eren's approval had stuck out, if only because of what it meant to her.
"You called it admirable. A good dream."
"It is," Eren nodded, tapping his cane along the ground. "Do you remember what you said next?"
Sona cast her mind back. While some parts stuck out, it had been a year and a half, and specific details had faded.
"I thanked you for your words?" Sona half guessed.
"No," Eren denied. "Your exact words were, 'I am dedicating everything to achieving it.'"
That sounded about right to Sona's ears.
She was a bit surprised he remembered her exact words, though.
Sona was even more surprised when her aunt suddenly stopped her stretching to look at Sona in surprise.
"What is it," Sona asked, uncomfortable with the sudden attention without knowing why she received it.
"I am surprised you remembered," Mikasa said simply. "You were young."
"Remembered what," Sona asked again, unsure what the two were talking about.
"Our world, our military at least, had a salute," Eren explained sombrely, eyes lost on a distant horizon. "We, who believed we were all that stood between humanity and extinction, knew we could die at any moment. Knew the survival rate was abysmal. At that time, we did not have a nation, and though we had a king, very few of us ever actually fought for him or the institution. No, we were fighting for something else. Something greater than ourselves."
Mikasa, in an almost unconscious act, stood with her back straighter. Her left hand fell behind her back, and her right rose to form a fist over her heart.
"Shinzou wo Sasageyo."
Then she shook her head, dropping the pose.
It was as if the memory and salute were instinct rather than anything she had consciously thought about.
Half of Sona heard the words in the language Mikasa and Eren occasionally spoke. Eldian, she guessed.
Thanks to devils' ability to understand all languages, the other half heard it in the closest equivalent she could understand. Japanese, in this case.
"'Dedicate your heart?' As good as any salute as I've heard," Sona nodded.
She wasn't an expert on military subjects by any means, but she did know the basics. Salutes, flags, anthems, and marching songs were all tools to help create a sense of unity, of shared purpose and mission, in a military so that soldiers would focus less on themselves and more on the 'army' as a whole.
"It was the salute of those going to die," Eren said plainly. "It meant to dedicate your heart to something so completely that, even when you died, you entrusted your comrades to carry your heart on. Our dream would not die with us. A dream, a future worth dying for. A horizon we were all chasing."
"We all..." Mikasa started to say before shaking her head. "Or I guess most of us believed we were fighting humanity."
"You showed me this salute?" Sona asked, not really remembering something like this.
"When you were six or seven, you asked about my world," Mikasa said, wiping her sweat with a towel. "I told you I was part of a military. You wanted to know why I wanted to be a soldier and I didn't have an answer. I just told you I dedicated my heart to something and wanted to defend it. You spent the next few days telling everyone that would hear that you would dedicate your heart to anything and everything."
Sona's face burned with shame, and she didn't look at Eren in fear of what his face would look like.
"I thought here words were a coincidence," Eren said. Was Sona imagining it, or was there humour in his voice? "It was partly why I agreed to these lessons in the first place. I didn't mind helping a dream like that. I didn't know it came from you."
"That never happened!" Sona protested, face aflame. "I don't remember any of that!"
"It was before you had solidified your dream of being a teacher and a school for everyone. The words resonated with you," Mikasa said, pulling a bottle of water from the mini-fridge under the bench. Sona definitely wasn't imagining the humour in her aunt's voice. "We have magical recordings if you want. Serafall thought you were adorable and recorded you telling her you'd dedicate your heart to her. I'm surprised she hasn't used it to tease you."
Now that Mikasa brought that up, Sona had vague recollections of saying something like that, but she had been so young at the time.
She must have repressed the memory.
Repressed it hard.
"You stopped saying it when Serafall wanted you to say it while wearing a magical girl costume. 'Miracle Girl So-tan will dedicate her heart to justice!' If I remember correctly."
"Aunty!" Sona whined, mortified by Mikasa's plain and deadpan delivery of her dark history.
The way Mikasa said it, like she was talking about the weather, made it infinitely more embarrassing for the young heiress.
Sona wanted to die.
She wanted to dig a hole, crawl in, and bury herself alive.
The shame was the primary reason it took Sona so long to notice the look in Mikasa's eyes.
"You are messing with me," Sona accused her aunt. "Aren't you?"
"The story is true," Mikasa said plainly, but she nodded. "But yes, I am. I've always been concerned about your habit of putting feelings aside for work. Your reactions are more genuine when you feel your pride has been damaged. It is half the reason your sister acts the way she does."
Sona winced, acknowledging that Mikasa agreed with Eren about her workaholic tendencies. She knew that it was true, too. She did have a high sense of pride and fell to embarrassment quickly when it was poked.
"You two planned this," Sona asked, glaring at Eren.
"No," Eren shrugged. "We just work well together."
"Fine," Sona sighed. "I will take more care not to lose myself in my dream and the work involved."
"That's good, but..." Eren hesitated. "Not actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Both of you."
That got their attention.
Mikasa had been with Eren these last few months, almost every waking moment of every day. Anything he needed to say to her could be said without the other's present at any moment. Sona was sure they did so, talking about secrets from their world when nobody was around.
It was odd that he needed to talk to both of them simultaneously.
"Eren?" Mikasa asked, her plain tone giving way to worry and concern.
"I..." Eren paused, closed his eyes and tightened his knuckles on his cane. He exhaled a deep breath. "I don't have much time left."
It was like all air was sucked from Sona's lungs.
She knew. Had known it. They all did.
He had just said something similar only a few minutes ago.
For a while, Sona had still held out hope that Eren would become a devil, even after rejecting Mikasa.
Then she saw Rias make Rossweiss her Pawn and knew her friend would never use those pieces if hope remained.
Eren would not be reincarnated.
He would die a human.
Sona had just drowned that realization in more work.
Mikasa didn't look any less devastated than Sona, though her reaction was of grim acceptance.
As if she had already prepared herself.
Sona supposed her aunt had.
Mikasa had already buried Eren once before, after all.
"I've been talking with the others," Eren continued. "Trying to get them to understand. You two... You're all that's left."
Rias had mentioned something to that effect, something about Eren acting differently with everyone, but Sona hadn't been around for most of that.
Now, hearing his words, something clicked in her mind.
"You're leaving a will behind," Sona guessed in the silence after Eren trailed off.
"That's... not wrong," Eren said with hesitation. "I've done what I can to prepare the others, but I will entrust the rest to you two. I think... together, you can do it."
"Do what?" Sona asked.
"The hardest job of all," Eren said grimly. "Leading and teaching."
Sona still didn't understand.
Mikasa, though, understood Eren.
She understood what was happening.
After all, he had done this before.
At least this time, he was clear about what he was doing before he died instead of running ahead and leaving them to figure it out.
Maybe Eren really had changed.
"He wants us to make sure there is not another Eren Yeager," Mikasa said hollowly.
"What?"
"In our world," Mikasa explained, her voice as dead as Eren's had ever been. "His death left a mess for us. One that took years to clean up. But he entrusted that mess to our friends. And me. You want me to do it again, don't you?"
"It will not be the same," Eren denied, but his voice was weak. "I don't want it to be the same. But..." Eren shook his head and looked into Mikasa's eyes. "All I am asking you to make sure they do not make the same mistakes I did. That is it. Help them understand. Help them learn."
"Understand what?"
"That to dedicate your heart to a better future is dangerous," Eren said simply. "It must be done. Everyone born in this world has the right to live in it, and we inherit the hearts entrusted to us. But when you pass on your heart, when you dedicate yourself to a dream, you never know who will pick it up after you. Or what they will do with it."
"You... want me to carry on your dream?" Sona shifted uncomfortably.
"No. I've entrusted that to Rias. I want you to ensure she does not lose herself in it. I want you to pull her back. I want you to be a voice of reason."
"Sona is not Armin, Eren!" Mikasa snapped protectively. "Don't put this on her."
"I know that!" Eren snapped back, standing from the bench to loom over the shorter woman. "I am not asking her to be! I don't want her to be Armin. I want her to be Sona!"
"What are you two talking about," Sona joined in, eyes narrowed in anger at being left out.
The two former soldiers stared at each other briefly before Mikasa answered.
"He's asking us to make a better world," the Pawn said, not taking her eyes off Eren's. "He wants you to try and fix this world's problems."
"What?"
"You cannot fix people," Eren shook his head in dismissal. "You cannot fix a world. War will follow peace, and peace will follow war. That is reality. Accept it."
"What, exactly, are you trying to say, Eren?" Sona asked.
"I want you to achieve your dream, Sona," Eren said plainly, his eyes finally tearing from Mikasa's to stare through Sona's glasses and into her own. "I want you to be a teacher who will teach anyone who is willing to learn. And I want you to teach the truth. No political spin. No flattery or lies. The brutal truth of what sort of monsters are out there."
Mikasa's eyes widened at the realization of what Eren was truly asking.
"I was going to do that anyway," Sona huffed, a bit affronted that Eren expected her to not already intend to do so.
"No, Sona," Mikasa said, her voice filled with... fear? Sona looked back at her aunt and saw she was pale. "He means he wants you to teach about our world. To do that, he wants me to tell you everything."
Why... did her aunt look so afraid?
"They need to know," Eren said forcefully. "They need to know this path's risks and consequences. They need to know why we did what we did."
"Please, Eren," Mikasa begged. "Please don't ask me to do this to them. They will not... They can't..." Mikasa seemed to search for the words, unable to express whatever she was trying to say. "Their memories will be tainted. Do you really want this? Can't we just be happy?"
"I can only trust you with this," Eren said, voice laden with grief and self-recrimination. "If you weren't here, I wouldn't do this. They'd never learn, or if they did, they wouldn't understand. If I told them... If I had the time to tell them, they might not believe it. You saw it. You lived it. Please do this for me, Mikasa. Please do not let them make the same mistakes I did."
"They are so young," Mikasa closed her eyes. "They won't understand why you... Why I..."
Sona wanted to be affronted at the insinuation, but the pain writ clear across her aunt's face held her tongue.
"You can't baby people just because you are stronger," Eren reprimanded gently.
"Then what good is all this strength if I can't protect the ones I love!"
Eren's face softened at the tears beading Mikasa's eyes.
"You don't have to do it soon," Eren shook his head. "Sona is busy. They still have a while before they need to face it. But they need to know before walking down this road. There were too many corpses on ours. They need to look for another way. When they are ready, you need to tell them. Or history will just repeat itself. Please, Mikasa. You are the only one who can change the future."
It was as if Eren had punched her.
Mikasa swayed, and Eren stepped forward to steady her, pulling the Pawn tight against his chest.
Sona felt distinctly uncomfortable as if witnessing a private moment for which she should not be present.
"Sona," Eren said, still holding Mikasa close to himself. He looked over at the younger girl. "When you feel you are ready, you can ask Mikasa about our world again. She'll tell you. She's strong enough to tell you. And... You need to listen. No matter what you learn, you need to understand the reasons why it happened. Only then will you be able to teach others about it. Can you promise to do this?"
Sona looked at her aunt, searching for any response or further denial.
She received none.
All Eren was asking was for Sona to gain access to information she had always been curious about, yet it felt more than that.
It felt like there was some great, dark secret that would change her entire view of Eren and her Aunt. Like some yawning abyss that she would have to dive into if she actually agreed.
Mikasa Ackerman had always hesitated to talk about her past, and Sona would finally know why.
Yet she felt fear at the prospect more than joy.
"I will," Sona said, her throat dry.
"Good," Eren nodded. "As I said, I want you to be yourself and pursue your dream. Dedicate your heart to it. I know you can do it. Mikasa and the others will help you, but you need to be the ones to lead them."
"Rias is too headstrong," Sona denied. "And the others will follow her."
"She'll listen to you," Eren shook his head. "I know you aren't their King. That's for the best. They don't need a King. They need a friend and leader they can trust. I am trusting you to keep them in line. You need to be the one to make the hard calls. To need to be the one to pull them back when they run too far."
"Eren," Sona said hesitantly. "What does this all mean? I don't understand."
Sona was an intelligent girl, but even she was confused.
Eren was simultaneously trying to pass his heart and dream onto her and Rias and trying to make sure they didn't make the same mistakes he and Mikasa did.
It was contradictory and confusing, not helped by the fact that Eren didn't feel he could tell them what those exact mistakes were.
Over the year and a half with Eren, Sona had pieced together the bare bones of the 'mistakes.' Eren had never hidden that he considered himself just as bad as the worst monsters out there, but it hit Sona then: she was missing something crucial.
This was much, much bigger than any of them had suspected.
The only thing Sona could say with any confidence at the moment was that both Eren and Mikasa were trying to protect them, but each had different methods.
Mikasa wanted them safe and happy, taking the burden on herself, while Eren wanted them prepared to shoulder it themselves.
"Mikasa will help you make sense of this later," Eren shook his head. "I can't be the one to tell you. While she might not be impartial, Mikasa will be much better than I. And she knows more than me. You can go to her for advice after I am gone. Trust her to support you."
"I see," Sona said, looking away.
"Not yet," Eren said softly. "But you will."
Maybe she would. One day.
But it didn't stop the ache in Sona's heart today.
"Eren?"
"Yes?"
Sona hesitated for a long moment, then, swallowing her pride and embarrassment, she asked in a quiet voice.
"Can... Can you hug me, too?"
Sona's ears burned, and she couldn't look at the older boy.
Her heart was pounding so hard, she was sure Eren could hear it.
What must Aunty think?
"...Sure."
Sona didn't give herself time to psyche herself out. She dove for his open arm and, hesitantly, wrapped her arms around Eren and her Aunt.
With one fist bunched in Eren's shirt, Mikasa wrapped the other around Sona.
They might not have much time together left, but Sona didn't want to miss any more of it.
For the first time, Eren sat in the center of the bench.
This close, Sona could hear Eren's heartbeat.
The heart he was entrusting to them all.
It was not the love and the life Sona had hoped for with her crush.
But no matter what the future held or what she learned, Sona would have memories like this to push her forward.
Memories of warmth, of friendship, and of beauty.
Despite all the pain that came before and would follow after. All the tragedy and sorrow.
Despite learning of the Devil, Eren Yeager.
His betrayal. His crimes. His war.
Despite it all...
Sona Sitri wouldn't once regret stopping to wake the dying boy on the bench.
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
ReadingDangerously
ReadingDangerously I won't say much about this chapter or the next.
By this point, I want the story to speak for itself. If I've done a good job, it will. If I didn't, it won't.
I will meet you all on Sunday for the last chapter of part 3.
I'll be waiting on the bench.
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Ranking 
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