Chapter 19: Harry Potter: Book 1 Part 16 ("Cooking!")
# HEY I HAVE A DISCORD SERVER https://discord.gg/9274TfZtf9 #
3rd P.O.V
We tune in to the early morning at Hogwarts before students have gotten up for the first day, in an empty classroom we can spot a small white creature that's SUPER FLUFFY! This is Fou, who is standing atop a desk with a notepad and pencil but his side.
When a low flash of light appears and out came a man. He stood at a solid 6'1, with broad shoulders, short slicked back white hair, grey eyes and tanned skin. His signature black body armour and red overcoat billowed in the wind after this summoning.
[Archer]「 Master, I see you have called for me { He was alert looking around for any signs of enemies, only to find none.} but there is no battle going on what do you need from me? 」
#Fou is communicating with his note-pad#
[Fou]「The food in this school is absolutely atrocious, and let's be honest we have the same level of cooking skill. { Which is a fact acknowledged by both Archers} So I want you to teach the house-elves how to properly cook, even Harriet agreed you should. 」
[Archer]「 Hmm, that shouldn't be a problem, but you're dismissing the fact that you could do this yourself. {He took a moment to ponder his words.} On second thought, I'll do it knowing you as well as I do you would probably have them make something weird. {Probably something like Spotted Dick} Now tells me how last night's food was.」
[Fou]「 Hmmm. Let's start with the Steak, {Though I wouldn't call it that} there was almost zero seasoning, super oily, wasn't fresh either. The bacon was near if not as bad, super greasy. The eggs? overcooked a little. Oh, the horror that happened to the fries over salted, not even properly made! The only tolerable food was the bloody salad! 」
Fou continued on his rant about the food presented during dinner and how they were monstrosities to all cooking, while Archer stood deep in thought about what to teach the little things who make food.
[Archer]「 ENOUGH MASTER! I understand the problem. {At this point Fou and gone on a full 15-minute rant, and if he was stopped now he would go on for a whole day!} Now I have quite a few I could teach them, but they won't learn if we stay here so let go now.」
&TIME SKIP TO THE KITCHEN&
#Play Fate/stay night: [Unlimited Blade Works] OST II - #19 Emiya UBW#
We stood in horror in the kitchen watching them, the... little monsters... Hogwarts dares called chefs.
They were... Washing meat, Not washing any fruits and vegetables, Cooking steak all the way through, Not letting the meat rest after cooking, Under/over seasoning everything, Cross-contaminating, Not balancing flavours or textures, Undercooking/overcooking vegetables, Relying too much on carbs/meat and limiting the number of vegetables, Stuff like eggshells being cooked into the bloody eggs, Not chopping vegetables all the same shape.
Archer took a deep breath, pulling out a specific chef's knife. I recognized this knife it's one we are both fond of, after all, it belonged to the greatest foul-mouthed chef to ever live.
#WARNING I WENT HEAVILY INTO THE CUSS WORDS HERE#
GORDAN RAMSAY'S PERSONAL CHEF KNIFE.
[Archer]「 WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE! 」
Every house-elve froze and turned to the entrance of the kitchen. A man with broad shoulders, short slicked back white hair, grey eyes and tanned skin.
#Ignore Shirou and focus on Archer and image a look of pure rage on his face#
A particularly old House-elf stepped up to face the person in a chef's outfit.
[Winky]「 My name is Winky, sir, Winky wants to know sir's problem with our kitchen.」
This old house-elf was very brave and not afraid to step up to this human who had just disrupted their work!
[Archer]「 The problem I have with your kitchen? THE PROBLEM I HAVE WITH YOUR KITCHEN!? {The other house-elves started to cower behind the defiant little winky who just stared in contempt at archer for disrespecting her kitchen.} I'LL TELL YOU THE FUCKING PROBLEM I HAVE WITH YOUR KITCHEN! {He walked over to one of the sinks, winky in tow, the house-elf at the station coward as he walked to his sink, hoping it wasn't going to get punished for whatever it had done wrong} YOU'RE WASHING THE FUCKING MEAT, THIS RUINS THE MEAT AND SPLATERS GERMS OVER YOUR HANDS, AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN WASHING THE VEGETABLES! {He grabbed a fork and knife, stating a stake he put it on a plate and cut it open to show the others.} THIS STEAK IS COOKED ALL THE WAY THROUGH, MY GRAN COULD DO BETTER! AND SHE'S FUCKING DEAD!
AND THIS OTHER SLAB OF MEAT YOU'RE NOT LETTING IT REST AFTER COOKING IT!? NOT TO MENTION YOU EITHER UNDER OR OVER SEASONING EVERYTHING!
YOU ARE CROSS-CONTAMINATING EVERYTHING, IF YOU HANDLED RAW CHICKEN AND THEN A STEAK YOU COULD GET A STUDENT SICK BECAUSE OF THAT!
YOU DON'T BALANCE THE FLAVOURS OR TEXTURES OF THE MEAL!
YOU UNDER OR OVERCOOK ALL THE VEGETABLES AT THE SAME TIME, YOU RELY ON TOO MANY CARBS AND LIMIT THE AMOUNT OF MEAT AND VEGGIES STUDENTS EAT!
YOU LEAVE EGGSHELL BITS IN THE EGGS WHEN YOU MAKE THEM!
AND YOU NEVER CUT THE VEGGIES IN THE SAME SHAPE!」
Winky looked at Archer confused and just had to voice her thoughts.
[Winky]「 Winky is confused sir, Headmaster Dumbledore told us to cook like this! Is it not good enough for sir? 」
#You know that face Tanjiro made when he first met Zenitsu. ya know the one. Pure utter disgust. yeah, that's Archer's face right now.#
[Archer]「 {Looking at the elf's Emiya just couldn't let this go. Dumbledore had declared war on cooking, and Archer planned on winning} *Deep sigh* I'm gonna teach all of you how to actually cook proper food because what you are making right now belongs in the garbage. 」
The elf's all-around felt offended at Archer's casual dismissal of their ability to cook and took this as a challenge, they would make him eat his words by pre-paring the best meal EVER! and they would do it with his cooking methods as well!
[NEXT TIME ON ABC's The walk- *Ahem* Uh... Primate murder through a multiverse!]
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