Chapter 1: Chapter 1: First Sight
As a child I use to fantasize a lot about things and put myself in this non-existing world that wasn't real. Create my own bubble of protecting myself whenever life wasn't fair to me. I felt like if I created this world, where I would never have to feel so lonely and I thought I would get this since of satisfaction from my fulfillment. But that wasn't the case because I would still have to face the horrible world one day when I grew out of my childhood fantasy. I live in a small town called Williamston which is located in North Carolina. There isn't much to see there since, well to me is like a ghost town but it still lively like any other place.
I loved the parade that came every September or in other words the townspeople would call it a stampede. They would have vendors set up from blacksmith making swords, food stands, prize stands, and even antique shops. Also there would be a big field where they would put the ferris wheel, big and small rides, the crazy mirror maze, merry-go-around, and other bizarre rides.
Sometimes, the enjoyment of it doesn't last very long until someone in the bunch ruins the vibe. Fights would breakout among young people and commotion would start a riot. Not those terrible riots like you would see on television or in a movie. Holding stalk forks or whatever they were called — and no not even the people who be the one throwing rocks and fire bottles in someone's window. It was just a small baby gathering of people yelling and being nosy to see who started what — that was pretty much it.
As time pass, I grew older and with that womanhood of starting a period at the age of ten years old. Which I thought pretty much sucks for me, I was told I would experience pain and moody swings. To be honest I kind of handle that situation with maturity. I didn't experience any of that, in fact, I had no clue what the fuck a period was until I started bleeding with blood on the back of my pants at school. My fifth grade teacher was the first one to notice or a student — I can't remember. I was indeed embarrassed a little and ran to the bathroom to stuff toilet tissue in my underwear for the time being. I didn't know what pads or tampons were either.
I got caught by my older sister telling that it was a period and I was starting to change into a women. That I was growing up to embrace the changes of my body. Oh yeah I pretty much did, my breast grew into a huge size of a 36C cup. I tried hiding them because I was so uncomfortable with my body and how it change so quickly. I would always poke or cover them up. I feel like creepy men were staring at me. I cried because I hated growing up and everything seem to be moving fast around me. I didn't want to embrace any of these changes. Girls in school seem to be fine how they look and just carried on with their daily life. I envy most of them, they could get anything they wanted. I bet their parents had no problem spending money. I was stuck struggling in mine.
Living the life in the projects was not something I really liked but had to endure for the time being. I kind of thought my dad would have bought a house for us since he came out of the army. I can't remember much about him because he was always gone away oversea. My dad and mom met each other in high school and from then on out were lovers. My dad became a solider after he left from Fayetteville University. I believe he stayed for at least two years and then left for the army. Well its a long story into the future — I guess I just say a small part that he died in 2011 from diabetes on September 3rd at 7:20pm. I always kept that piece of memory for as long as I remembered.
Now and then I was left with my siblings and mother in the apartment alone. We switch homes a lot because the adjustment to the places were always bad. I remember living in a trailer, it was burn down by unknown accident when I was a kid. Then my mother started getting sick, she would always cry and hold me in her arms to tell me sad words like: "I might end up leaving you and you are going to have to take care of yourself one day." That's why I had valued my time and made a wished for god to slow down time for me. That I would never grow up or age too quickly. I wanted to either stay seven or seventeen years old forever. Of course —- in life it doesn't happen that way.
At the age of seventeen I decided to distance myself from everyone, I wanted to be alone and drift away into my non-existing life where everything made me feel so happy. In school I was bullied a lot and my older sister always had to stand up for me. I always wondered if I was an outcast and didn't belong anywhere and that I would have to find my place on earth of where to grow my own roots. I thought to myself "Will I ever grow stronger and have the will to protect myself instead of someone else." Most of my life I kept quiet and minded my own business. As you would call in school — goodie two shoes or the teacher's pet. I didn't really let any of that labeling shit or slang words bother me. It was just another one of society ways of high school situation. I had one or two friends I would joke around with during lunch time and tried spending most of my time trying to get the hell out of high school. I would say I was popular with the guys in lower years from me —well some of them. I consider myself a tomboy since I loved playing video games and getting down dirty — as in don't mind getting my clothes or shoes dirty.
Then I broke away a little from tomboy to a girly girly. I wanted to look pretty like the girls on television or maybe even be a model. I would try to arch my eyebrows, but only end up cutting them off and looking like an idiot as my sister would tell me; finding the color of foundation was a horrible mess, the color didn't even match my skin. I was like a golden light skin girl with a foundation of an orange color smash on my face. I looked like a fucking oomph loopa with my fat chipmunk cheeks. My body was a perfect hourglass figure and I wanted to stay that way. That is to believe my older sister thought I was a twig Caucasian girl.
In most of my years I felt like my she was trying to ruin me. We fight a lot and one time I threw a remote at her head and because I didn't block. She threw it back and hit me in the face. For the rest of day I had a dark bruise under my eye. She called herself the street gangster with the street knowledge. She wanted to be known as the badass bitch who wasn't scared of anything. Sadly she dropout out of school at the age of nineteen. She wanted her freedom to do whatever she wanted and not be controlled by anyone.
Hm, I had a crush on one of the guys who she hung out with and when I told you she was trying to ruin me — well this is the part. He was my first crush ever and to even consider myself or even think I could actually fall in love with him. Oh my god my feelings were on overload for him, like girls screaming at a concert for their famous singer to rain down on them. I was so crush by the embarrassment of her having sex with him. My whole body fell to the bottom of the depth of no return. I thought my life was ruin and he wouldn't look at me the same way ever again. I kept a straight face when she told me the news about what she did. I felt like everyone admire her in way but also in disguise hated her gusts. After all she was consider the black sheep of the family. Always getting in trouble and causing a scene wherever she goes. My stupidness covered up for her because I thought she would come after me for revenge. I remember my dad slapping her in the face for trying to sneak a boy in the house. I'm glad I wasn't apart of that.
Believe it or not I have been only talking about older sister when I have three more siblings in life. Oh my troubling baby sister was a monster to me, but I was so in love with her. My baby sister slap me only because my older sister demanded. Every time it was time for her to breast feed, I would always watch her grab on to mother and she would be twirling her little fat hands in her curly hair. I would try to poke her in the cheek when she was drinking. Mom would always teach me how to change her diaper and feed her. The feeding part was little bit, how should I say tricky in a way. You would have to check to see if the bottle was the right warmth before giving it to her. Shhh— no one can know about me eating her cereal because that shit was delicious. You add a little juicy juice to the cereal and mix it together. BAM, delicious sweetness. I was eventually caught and yelled at for stealing her food.
Not least but last the two twin brothers who is the oldest of everyone in the family. I don't really know them as as far as being their little sister. Well to more so to say that the first oldest is gone away to Tokyo in pursuit of chasing his dream — whatever the that mean. Second oldest is in currently in ECU and building himself up to be a IT Technician and working to be a wiz at tech advance computer, program — I think. To be honest I have no clue of what's going on in his world. He really interest me as a character who thinks he knows everything about the 'life.' In reality, I feel like his hiding that his a confuse little boy on the inside and maybe outside too.
I kind of admire him in the same way I do for my older sister. Their both more social and out-going than I am. I mean don't get me wrong I can be social to under the right moment of feeling comfortable around someone. It's just I feel so tired or give out of energy when I have to talk to someone. I could just be picky.
Well I guess now I'm done summarizing my life so far but to begin a new chapter…
Bung. A ball up piece of paper hit me in the head from the inside the classroom. I was sitting under the window outside enjoying the view and writing in my journal of documenting my life journey when someone shadow poured over me.
"Hey!"
I looked up face to face with a silver headed guy greeting me with a half unbutton school uniform shirt. His eyes caught me off guard —green and half haze eyes. I research that people with different eye color are unique or crazy in someway.
He smiled at me and pointed to the paper. "Let me get that paper. Sorry if it hit you on the head. We're playing basketball in the inside."
I grab it and hand it to him to only get a pull on the arm, like closer to him. I felt like I turn red in instant and caught a whip of his cologne.
"Damn, my bad. I didn't know I was that strong." He smiles again only to laugh. "Why are you outside by yourself?"
"I dunno." I said stupidly.
"Are you writing poetry?"
"No." I quickly put away my journal and hide behind my back.
"Sorry. I'm not trying to be in your business, just trying to make conversation. I never seen you before. Are you in this class?"
"Uhhh…"
"Ryde! Ryde! Let's go already. I 'm scoring 10 to your 5 dude."
I guess a couple of his friends he was playing with distracted him. It was kind of a relief, because I was getting really nervous and sweating under my arms.
"Sorry I gotta go." He said, waving goodbye to me.
I watch him as he walks away from the window and joining his friends to continue their little game. For some reason I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. I was so surprise to see someone actually talking to me. Because my last year of school is coming up I decided to devote myself to studying really hard and getting into college. Then I realize that I have no idea what the FUCK I WANNA DO!
FUUUUCKKKK ME!!!!
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