Chapter 24: | butterscotch and nectarine

Missing someone and not being able to see them is the worst feeling ever.

- Nathanael Richmond

________________________

- L I L A -

I blew out a breath as I continued being in a pensive mood, my eyes slowly gravitating to where Matthew sat alone, the same broken expression on his face each time I glanced at him.

He had been doing that a lot lately; being by himself, and doing nothing but stare - well, in his case, be stationary - blankly into the distance. I could tell it was beginning to take a toll on Toby because the gaiety of his steps slowed down into a much more dreary one.

A part of my heart ached terribly for him, but the logical part shut off any feeling of love I had towards him. Even seeing Gloria seem disheartened because of Matthew's loss of interest in her, didn't satisfy me because she won; every point I had made was made invalid by the fact that she won, and Matthew and I were no longer together.

I must've been staring at him for a long while since it had been 20 minutes after school ended. I hated seeing him like that.

The once clear sky was covered in a myriad of greys, filling me with anything but optimism in how Matthew was going to get home. As soon as the first drops slammed against the ground, I opened my door, and walked briskly to where he was sat, my hand touching his shoulder.

"Let me take you home," I whispered softly, his dark brown hair sticking to his forehead as small rivulets of water dripped down his obsidian-coloured glasses across the slope of his nose.

He tilted his head upwards silently, his bottom lip wobbling as he shakily stood up, curling his hands around Toby's lead. "I don't know if I can..." he muttered lowly, his head ducked down. "I don't think I'll be okay if I'm so close to you, and I can't touch you."

The aching part of my heart prevailed and brought him as close as his arm would allow, my nose buried into the crook of his neck once he pressed his lips to my hairline. "Let's get out of the rain, Matt."

His nickname rolling off my lips sounded foreign to me, but something felt right about it, his lips parting as he exhaled a very soft breath.

At that moment, I could've cared less about the pouring rain that soaked my clothes because all that mattered was him. The upsetting thing was that once we were sat in my car, the logical side of my heart topped the charts and had me withdrawing my hand from his grasp.

"Why do you do that?" he quietly asked, his tone fragile and weak. "One second you touch me and show me affection, and the next you're cold and distant. Lila...my heart can't take it anymore."

I turned to him at the same time he rolled his lips into his mouth briefly before he spoke again. "I can't be around you anymore when I know I've lost you."

He was deadly silent for the rest of the car journey to his house, and even retrieved Toby and walked to his house without so much of a backward glance at me. The door opened as Katherine stood in the threshold, bringing him into a tight hug before her gaze turned to me.

I watched Katherine quietly make her way to my car, inserting herself into the passenger's seat. Silence had continued to roam before she cleared her throat purposefully.

"This is the worst I've ever seen him," she stated clearly, her voice not daring to waver. "I hate seeing anything but a smile on his face, and when he was with you, he always smiled."

"Katherine-."

She shook her head softly and held her hand up. "After the accident, he wasn't himself, but that was understandable. Now, he's so heartbroken that he forgets to eat, and all he does nowadays is stay in his room. He thinks we don't notice when he's crying, but just because he can't produce tears doesn't mean that we don't know," her head lifted and she stared at me with glassy eyes. "Angus and I just want our son back."

Katherine decided to end the one-sided conversation there, her lips parting once she gripped the door handle. "So, I wanted to let you know that we're moving back. This place isn't good for him, and he has to know that he'll be okay without you."

My heart plummeted and I gasped softy, staring at her with wide eyes. "Let me speak to him," I offered desperately, sighing tiredly once I began to unfasten my seatbelt. "Just give me 10 minutes."

She stared at me with cautious eyes, frowning. "You can have as much time as you need, Lila."

With relief, I followed her into her home, heading straight for Matthew's room. Upon entering, he was sat hunched over on his bed, untying his shoe laces as Toby sat dreadfully on his bed.

Whining quietly, Matthew raised his head at his dog's sound, his eyes moving aimlessly. "Mom?"

I walked slowly towards him, taking the opportunity of his slightly open posture to sit on his lap. "It's me," I whispered against his lips, feeling him suck in a gust of air.

He gingerly wrapped an arm around me, hesitantly brushing his lips against mine. "Stay with me," he leaned his forehead against mine, breathing slightly heavy. "Don't let me feel like this."

I cradled his jaw with both my hands, my nose brushing against his. I refrained from answering him and moulded my lips to his, feeling his wet hair on the pads of my fingers.

He held me tightly against him, scared that I was going to pull away too soon once he got used to the rhythm of our kiss. He kept me in his lap even after I broke away for air, his eyebrows meeting in tiredness. "It feels so good to hold you," he whispered against my collarbone, his hand rubbing smooth circles up and down my back.

It felt good to be in his arms.

"You're tired," I muttered in response, removing his glasses that were atop his head. Toby leaped gracefully off the bed once Matthew leaned back on his pillow, sliding me to rest in front of him.

He pressed his nose into the back of my shoulder, his broken arm positioned by my back as his other arm circled underneath my head. "Please don't go."

And I didn't. So I fell asleep in his arms and for once in the last month, it felt like everything was normal.

---

I was awoken by Matthew's soft fingertips smoothing down the baby hairs at the top of my forehead, warmth emanating from his body. I remained silent, my heart thumping in my chest.

One step forward, two steps backwards.

That was how it was with him. I convinced myself that I couldn't love him anymore, but every time I gave into the temptation to feel his arms around me, I was back at square one.

In love with him.

"I need to go home, Matthew." I whispered quietly, noticing that the rain had stopped and the sky was a vast blanket of black.

I could feel his lips curl into a frown as he kissed my shoulder. "Not before you hear what I have to say," he murmured lowly, a new sense of determination in his voice.

Sitting up, I fiddled nervously with my fingers, staring down at his stormy eyes. Before, I could stare into his eyes with slight ease, my heartbeat only increasing infinitesimally, but now, I found it increasingly difficult. It felt as if my heart slammed against my lungs, rendering me breathless as a foreign feeling rapidly travelled from the pit of my stomach to the tips of my fingers.

"I know the only way we can be together is if we're honest with each other, and I'm finally ready to do that." He blindly reached for my fingers, intertwining them with his before he brought it to his lips. "I was so hurt, that I kissed Gloria because I knew it would hurt you," I clenched my jaw angrily as he continued. "That was stupid, childish and unfair because you never hurt me intentionally."

He could feel my hand slipping from his, which only made me grip it tighter. "Everything I felt when Vanessa cheated on me, came back to me ten times as hard, and it's because I'm madly in love with you...more than I ever was with her."

"You're not the only one at fault, Matthew," I mumbled lowly, directing my gaze to the shut door. "I shouldn't have let myself get that close to Isaac, even when I knew it could hurt you."

"You love me, though," he spoke confidently. "I know you don't have feelings for Isaac."

Silence had emerged the room as his words rolled of his lips, my eyes softening significantly. "I love you."

He leaned up, meeting me halfway as I connected our lips, caressing the jagged scar on his neck. He shivered and adjusted his position so he was on his back, his hand raising to thread in my hair.

"I love you too...so much." He whispered against my lips, leaning forward again for a soft, brief kiss.

Feeling his soft hair brush against my fingers, I felt his lips press tenderly to my forehead. "I want to take it slow," I murmured against his neck. "I want to make up for all the time we spent broken up."

"What? Like f-friends?" he stuttered against my hairline, a sense of uncertainty evident in his voice.

"I know we love each other, but I don't want to rush into the relationship because that didn't work so well the last time." I intertwined my fingers with his, feeling him pull me closer.

"We can be together, Lila." He whispered. "Just with less strain on our relationship. I can't be friends with you when I'm in love with you."

"Please, Matthew," I uttered, closing my eyes. I didn't want to rush straight into the relationship, but ease into it so nothing could go wrong again. "Let's not put any labels on us, that way it's easier."

It was a few moments before Matthew leaned back, an indecisive expression painted on his face as he brushed his lips against mine in defeat. "Fine. No labels."

______

After a little while longer of staying in his room, I decided it was time to go home, and as we stood at the door, Matthew was reluctant to let me go.

His arm circled around my waist and he pulled me closer to his body before he kissed me squarely on the lips. "Does our agreement mean I can't tell you I love you?" he murmured softly against my lips, his forehead gently resting on mine.

Nodding my head, I pressed a short kiss to his lips. "No labels means no strings attached...until we're officially a couple again."

I felt his hand run through my hair as he angled my face towards him. "I'll count the days until then." He laid a delicate kiss on my forehead.

I was slowly making my way back to him.

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