Chapter 3: Chapter 3: Narrating N pt. 2
It was a fun connection. Nate was wonderful. He had these smoldering blue eyes, not the creepy type tho. I can still remember the first time I saw him. It's as if my soul was sucked and thrown back into earth.
Sasha's still staring at me, waiting for me to disclose everything I experienced with Nate. I cannot remember every little thing that happened. But I'm pretty sure that my heart did.
"Hey, I'm still here!" Sasha called my attention. "You want another one?" she continued.
"Nah, I'm all good, Sash," I replied. Looking at my cigarette, I felt empty. A rush of regret washed all over me. I knew it was a bad idea to start smoking. And so does opening up about Nate.
I cannot help but feel distant yet so close to that memory. Truth be told: I am envious of my younger self. Someone who's not afraid to step into the world and own it. Someone who can point out who to not trust.
If I remember correctly, I was about 14 when I first met him online. That moment made me fall in love with the adrenaline of anonymity and fast-paced connections. I knew at that point that this would keep me alive for years. And it did.
"So tell me what happens next, Carms. You wanna keep it all to yourself huh?" she teased me.
"Why don't you just ask me and then I'll answer?" I replied meekly, hoping that that would end her endless questions.
"Oh, you cannot play that card on me, missy! Tell me when did it end and what happened before that," she demanded. Sasha grabbed her bottle of beer and swigged it like her life depended on it.
"It ended after we moved to Instagram. I can't remember which year was that, but I remember that he had a girlfriend who stayed for a while," I answered.
"What do I do with you, Carms? How can I squeeze the words out of you?!" she retorted and laughed her heart out. I laughed with her too. It's been a while since I felt this warm.
"What do you need to know more? How frequently do they do it? I am telling you, Sash, that guy is secretive yet a loudmouth," I shared heartily as I felt myself smile while recalling.
Nah, Carmen. You are not stuck with him. You are just simply recalling stuff you remember about that random guy.
"So when we moved to Facegram, we never talked about the Skype nights. I just knew he changed. His eyes lost its life. Nate became hollow, and I felt that," I recalled. I felt a pinch in my chest as I reminisced about how different he seemed.
"I wished he saw himself from my perspective that time. We never hopped on video call again," I continued.
"Why?" Sash asked quietly, looking at me intently.
"I don't know, Sash. I just knew his life had become harder. I wasn't even sure if he was who he was…" I trailed off. My brain is shutting down slowly as I feel that familiar clench in my stomach.
Nostalgia.
Innocence.
Brighter days.
Those are what I'm feeling right now. If there's an exact words of those three, I hope it will pop before my eyes right now.
"What I meant to say was I wasn't sure if he had shown me the real him. But it felt good, you know? To be heard… to be waited, to be messaged with 'how was your week?'. I felt included and seen that time," I recalled. Sasha's stare seeps through my skin. I can feel it. Her stare signals me to keep going.
"That online connection made me feel that I can belong to someone. Looking back, it saddens me that the first time I felt pretty was through a stranger's eye," I continued.
I am starting to feel the lump forming at the back of my throat. My skin begins to feel warmer and warmer as memories of validation take over me.
"Come on, you've gotta be kidding me, C. I know that you've always been pretty. I saw your baby pics," Sash tried to comfort me, saying words to kiss my teenage wounds.
"What do you mean?" I asked sheepishly, wanting to know what she truly meant. Not that I don't trust her. It's just that I find it hard to believe compliments. I don't want to appear that I'm so full of myself.
"You know what I mean, girl. It's impossible that you never captured someone's attention when you were a teen!" she replied with honesty.
I felt in her tone that she meant it. And I chose to trust her words. But my heart keeps on pounding at the thought of trusting someone again. It's not something that I'm good at. Or at least, it was taught to me by my estranged mom to never trust anyone. Even your angels.
"I know that look, C. Trusting someone isn't easy... I've been there," she assured me, emphasizing every word. "You'll come around one day and learn how to trust someone again," she continued.
"Maybe it's the alcohol talking, Sash. My mind..." I trailed off as I heard a notification on my phone.
"Who's that?" she asked. "Is that Stan?"
"Yeah... he's asking if we can cover the shift for tonight. Double p--" I replied slowly.
"Count me in! Wait, will we be in the same shift?" she clarified.
I just gave her the look and sighed. This girl, my Lord!
"Yes," I sighed. "Can you clean up? I will prepare our bed and some clothes for you," I asked her politely.
I grabbed our pack of cigs and saw the wish stick. Muscle memory moves. I fished it out, put it between my lips, and lit it.
I walked towards my glass windows and admired the view I paid for. City lights have this effect on me. It makes me feel alive yet so alone in this world. Like, how can I ever just exist? How can I just let myself breathe without knowing that there's a world out there? I don't know what I'm saying, but that's how it makes me feel. I wish I could paint it on the insides of my eyelids and just shut the world around me.
I can feel Sash moving our things around. The clinking of empty bottles fills the endless voids inside me, yet I can feel it dig new holes.
If only I didn't have to run away from that shithole, then I'd be less lonely.
If only they stayed, then I'd have someone I could lean on. Running away doesn't always ruin everything, but I have to admit: it soothes me in some parts.
If only Sasha knew how she saved me countless times.
"Say less, C. But can you please wash the dishes? You know that dishes and I don't get along just fine, right?" she said with puppy eyes.
Say less, Sash. I got you this time.
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
kartyem
kartyem Hello! I hope someone's still reading this. If not, then I hope you came across this story and liked it.
I apologize for not updating this sooner. My mind is all over the place when it comes to finalizing what will happen to Carmen and her cat. I'll update this again soon.
Thank you!
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