Chapter 1: The Beginning

My ambition in life was crystal clear but still sometimes I feel like am in a maze trying to find my way out. I don't know why my life is so complicated? I cannot share anything with anyone. I am afraid that if I did I will break down. That's why I feel like I am dying inside, I wanted to scream, wanted to ask for help but I can't. I wear a fake smile and try to move on. Sometimes few words from the love ones hurts so much. Its hard to write down the feeling. When you will saw me, you will see a happy girl, well I try to be happy most of the time but inside I am suffering a lot. I wished I had someone with whom I could share everything but I never share any of my problem with anyone. During my school time one of my classmate got to know about my secret and let me tell you it didn't end well. I will save you that story for later. It's hard to pretend to be okay when actually you are not but it's quite easy for me now, just sometimes that emotion kind of burst and it really gets hard to explain others what was wrong with me. Well I try my best to react normally most of the time. Have you ever feel left out by your friends or ignore? I know that feeling, standing around with your so called friends at school or going somewhere but felt completely left out. As if you are invisible. They just nod there head when they saw you or just say hi to you because of that so called friendship barrier between you guys. Friendship should be pure, to be there for each other at any cost but these kind of friendship only exist in books nowadays. Its really hard to find a true friend and in my case let's just say it's impossible. I have friends but not all of them like me so much. I know how will I know if they like me or not. I cannot read minds, I know from experience, that horrible incident that happen to me. So thanks to those friends really who remove my believe from trust. I have major trust issues, I think about a 100 times before telling someone about something. Why? my life complications were not enough that I also got friends as well as trust issues? Sometimes I get so tired from all these stuff that I wish I could go in an island sitting in the beach, seeing the waves, rushing cold wind, silence everywhere, just me, the sea and my thoughts. I dreamed about these so many times. Few months ago I found my best friend, both of us are so same. From our habits to our common interest all are same. She and I are like a little gang. And I am so lucky to have her.'' And then she put her headphones in. And the world turned into nothing more then a whisper.'' I read these quote somewhere and it fits my situation perfectly. Whenever I am in a bad mood I put my headphones in and automatically I started to relax. When I was at school I thought if I could bring my phone with me, hear songs when I feel alone. But sadly we were not allowed to take phones with us. Whenever I am angry I listen to music, it calms me down. I started to sing along with the song and all my worries go away. Music is my other best friend. Along with music I write my feelings down. Whether its angry, sad, happy whatever it is I wrote it down. As I write I feel like a weight is lift from my shoulder. But if anyone read my secret diary, they will go mad and lose there mind. Because what I am thinking is something no one would except. From few weeks ago I started writing poems. The first one was just an idea and then slowly the poems got deeper and meaningful.