Chapter 2: 2014: The End of Change
"Pause for rhythm check, it is compatible with life, can we check for pulse? Welcome back sir..."
It's been three hours, thirty-six minutes, and thirty seconds since the last time I went to pee. My bladder is full of urine the same as a pregnant woman's womb is full of amniotic fluid. I have been dying to visit the loo for the last few hours, however, the patients kept pouring into the emergency department and when they call, I answer. Because it is my duty to save lives and help people with their health problems.
This is Mr. Romero, he became unresponsive on arrival to the hospital after being brought in for severe crushing chest pain. He lost his pulse and he had ventricular tachycardia on the cardiac monitor, meaning his heart was not pumping appropriately to deliver oxygen to his organs especially the brain, hence, no pulse and loss of consciousness. We immediately started CPR and after a few rounds and a few deliveries of shocks, he was revived. Our hospital was tiny and did not have the specialist facilities, so he needed to be transferred to a tertiary hospital.
His family reports that he has been under a lot of stressful situations lately and have been working tirelessly on a new project in his company. He prioritised work over everything else and unfortunately, his body succumb to stress eventually – he had a heart attack.
I learned from Mr. Romero's case that although I am a nurse, I am still human. Despite being too engrossed at work in the last few years, I was thankful not to have any episodes of illness, but my body can only take so much...
"I am the charge nurse here so I can't leave the department, Jade can you escort Mr. Romero in the ambulance for transfer to the Heart Centre please..."
Yes, you read it right. Who would have thought this always late and once apathetic nurse would one day be promoted as a charge nurse?
Something changed inside me... something or someone sparked this to happen and made me a better person.
Jakob – the very first guy that instilled, inserted, and inspired change to this wallflower into a serious contender. He showed me care and love and made me realise that I am good at what I do, and I have the capacity to still improve myself...
He seemed like a bad boy in the eyes of others but from spending so much time with him, I got to see more especially his soft side. He is a down to earth guy who speaks nothing but sincerity. He believes in the mantra of "seeing the best out of everybody," and giving everyone a chance to change.
He became the very best person I know in this planet... or so I thought for the last year...
Jakob was not ready. Although he was so curious and interested with the gay world, he was not ready to open himself up fully. The number of times we had to sneak into his room through the windows and making me act straighter when we are around his parents support this opinion, on top of the amount of times we talked about coming out but never actually doing it.
I did not mind this, because I wasn't ready either.
This fantasy in my mind that we will both announce our love to everyone and that we would get married in a cute little church wearing matching magenta-coloured tuxedos was simply that, a petty fantasy.
My relationship with Jakob turned out more complex and tedious as time went on. We would bicker numerously and would then make up, followed by intense sex. He never said I love you back and would play it like he did not want to say it, but I know that he does love me back, that smirk and sweet smile while looking at me intently with passion says it all the time.
We never labelled our relationship and neither have asked about what our label is. I guess there was no real relationship after all and that all of it was just a big dose of infatuation with a little bit of deception on the side.
Not all of it was clouds and angels singing to Beyonce but I did want to spend more time with him but....
In the last month, things between me and him got stale until he ultimately moved to Manila for work hurriedly and without warning. It was the most devastating moment for me to see him drive off his car and leave for god knows how long. As a self-confessed drama queen, I cried buckets of tears about his rather quick departure.
Just like that, with no mention about any of it prior, he picked up his bags and left.
My heart was crushed to pieces and although it may seem like we were just fuck buddies, I developed love and endless amount of care for him and it is not often that an ugly duckling like me would share something so special, so I thought it was, with a prince like him.
I was so down the day he left and each time I experience depression or sorrow, which is almost all the time, I have one good friend who is never interested to hear my musings and lamentations but still opt to stay with me until I come to my senses. Tina has been my friend since Freshman year in college and she probably know me more than I know myself. She would always roll her eyes upwards each time she speaks, and her favourite hobby is stalking athletes and creating loom bands.
I called her up to break the news about Jakob leaving and as soon as she answered the phone, she said...
"He's gone?"
"Wh... How did you know?" True enough, she knew me very well.
"You never call me at 23:00 unless it's something bad like your favourite celebrity couple breaking up or your crush didn't notice your new hairstyle at work..."
I didn't realize at that time that I have been in my room crying for far too long and it's been 15 hours since Jakob left and I never stopped crying, never went out of my room, and never ate a single meal. With that, I thought I was going into some serious depression.
"Blaire, he never really cared about you. If he did, he would have stayed to be with you. Besides, did he ever tell you he loves you?"
"Uhmmm. No. But I really feel like we have something between us building up. Like a fire of love or something."
"Okay. Enough. You need to calm down or you will end up in a psychiatric ward."
Tina was right. I should not have wasted my time and energy for something that's gone. There was nothing I could have done to make Jakob stay but I can still do something for myself to move on and be happy again.
That was start when I became more focused, and more motivated to do better at work. I dedicated all my attention and efforts to being the best I can be and reinvent myself to be better so that one day, Jakob will see that I do not need him to achieve the unachievable.
Weeks went on, months rolled in, and that was it... A year has gone by without Jakob by my side. Not even a text, an e-mail nor a snail mail. Just like that... I started to forget about Jakob.
"Mr. Apollo, from now on, you will be the charge nurse of the Emergency Department since Cynthia already left for UK." Said our 63 year-old chief nurse.
Well, that was a surprise and truly unexpected as the chief nurse and I never had a good relationship, especially when I had that incident in the summer of 2013. With huge eye bags and slightly messy hair, I walked down the stairs and back to the ED. I haven't had a drop of coffee yet and I am still half asleep. I look like a zombie crawling down the road to the battle zone.
I approached the unit and paused for a bit, reflecting on the day I am about to have and hoping no catastrophe would happen especially it is my first day as the newest charge nurse of the department...
I opened the door, and as soon as I took a step in, a sweet and soft voice greeted me, "Good morning, Sir."
I did not bother to look at the person. I am dragging my feet to the ED with my head down looking at my white shoes hesitantly advance on the floor one after the other, and it is all painted in my face, a pale skinned messed-up grumpy nurse. I received the endorsement from the outgoing shift and learned that I have some new volunteers to teach for the day.
At this point, I felt like the universe is punishing me for trying way too hard to climb up the ladder just to prove a point to a person who pretty much does not exist anymore, and I just wish that the ground below me will just open and swallow the volunteers so I will have less work to do.
While listening to one of the outgoing nurses about the busy shift they had, someone stood too close beside me and it bothered me a bit that someone is listening to our conversation. So, with mean eyes I looked at the person and prepared to say the scariest thing a person could ever hear to back off.... But I didn't.
"Sorry, sir..." It was the same voice that greeted me earlier.
I was mesmerized by the view I was seeing. He had brown eyes, thick eyebrows, pink lips, well defined jaw line, pointed nose, and clean-cut hair. He stood back as I turned to look at him and from where I am, I can appreciate his tall physique, well-built body, and confident stance. I thought for a second, I was seeing an angel, but this young guy is more heavenly than the angels. I got lost for words and for a second, I did not know what was happening...
To save myself from shame, I muttered, "As you were.." As you were? Was this the military training? I was bothered by his presence but now I want him to do as he was doing. I carried on with the conversation and quickly dismissed it so I can hide the fact that I am blushing and gushing over this new volunteer.
Whatever wish I had earlier, I take it back. Do not swallow the volunteers dear ground. Okay, you can still swallow them except this angelic young lad.
He just passed the Nursing Licensure Examination and chose to do his volunteer work our hospital.
Though my eyes are glued to my endorsement notebook and my ears dedicated to my colleague, my nose on a venture trying to get a sniff of how Mr. Volunteer smells like. Alas! I inhaled long and deep and got a hint of his scent. Contrary to the manly and brusque smell that Jakob has, this guy smells like a baby, almost like a newly opened package from the US that smells so pleasant and makes me just want to hug him, squeeze him, and just be around him all the time.
I tried to snap out of these thoughts and focused on the endorsement. I need to have a good first impression to my new colleagues, along with the new volunteers. Act professional Blaire!
A few minutes went by and an ambulance with a patient came rushing in with a gentleman who became unresponsive on the way in, no pulse, and not breathing...
We started CPR and while waiting for the doctors to come and join us, I led the cardiac arrest – my first ever time to lead this situation and I felt nerves creeping in as time went on that Mr. Romero was unconscious.
I had to act tough, and I had to dig all the knowledge that I learned from our training – plus I need to make a good impact on this angelic volunteer.
I never thought I could split focus on two things. While my colleagues were pumping the patient's chest, giving drugs and doing procedures, my eyes were lingering to the side, looking at how Mr. Volunteer's eyes were filled with excitement and wonder. He was so interested in learning and was willing to help in any way he can. He was eager but he was also aware of his limitations being a newbie in the field of nursing.
"Blaire, where are we at?" Thank goodness, Dr. Dionora is here... I can finally breathe a little and focus more... on Mr. Volunteer.
We finally got the patient back to life but needed transfer to a tertiary hospital. But what do I do? Do I go with the patient? Or do I ask someone else...
Apart from me, Jade is the only other senior nurse on shift... Okay, I will send Jade and I will stay in the department...
However as soon as I made the order, I had another thought. I know that I am the charge nurse, but it was my first day and Jade probably knows more about running the department than me. I have done so many transfers in my career and that would be a piece of cake. Besides, a time away from the hospital would be good considering that emergency department is known for "no seat, no eat – for eight hours..."
"On second thought, Jade can you please take charge of the department while I am away, and I will take MR. Romero to the Heart Centre..."
"Sure Blaire, I know you just want to escape your first day..." She said jokingly.
"Sir... Can I go with you? Again, the voice of an angel said. It was Mr. Volunteer, with his face full of interest. But what is he interested in? Was it to me?
No Blaire, he just wants to learn and want to gain as much experience as he can. He will end up leaving you too because this is just a steppingstone for him. You are just a steppingstone for him.
Here we are again, self-sabotaging, unsure and unconfident wallflower shows up again.
We took the patient in to the back of the ambulance. He carried the transfer bag while I took the tray of airway equipment and drugs with me. Manong Jun, drove us to the Heart Centre after...
He sat beside me, took my hand, and said... "Thank you very much sir..." His eyes glued to mine, his smile so sweet and glorious. I felt him pulling me closer to him while he inches his body closer to mine. We were about to kiss. Is this the Jakob-replacer? But I don't even know his name...
We drew nearer and near to each other, our faces inches away from each other. His breath is so divine and his warmth radiating more evidently... We were gonna do it. We were gonna touch lips...
"Enk! Enk! Enk!" Mr. Romero, lost his output again, Ventricular Tachycardia on the monitor....
— New chapter is coming soon — Write a review
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone