Chapter 8: Echoes of you
His dark eyes follow me all day. The reason? I have no idea, but I feel his gaze follow me across the yard, back to the kitchen, even while I'm playing with Zia and the other kids. It's driving me crazy. Every time I look up he's already staring. I don't even have to seek him out, he's just right there. Emma notices, she keeps giving me covert looks which I have no idea how to decipher either. I should've just kept my mouth shut. All of this was really much easier when he was ignoring me. Now I've challenged him, and I don't know how this new version of Dastan is going to respond.
I'm standing at the kitchen sink washing the platters Zahra used for those delicious hotdogs. Haider's at my side wiping them dry with a dish towel, and Emma has seated herself on the counter at my other side. She's claimed the duty of 'official dish passer,' which basically means she sits there and hands me dishes while swinging her little legs and humming some inane tune to herself. Zahra put Zia to bed about an hour ago which was an ordeal in itself. Note, five-year-olds and candy do not a good combination make. She's currently sitting at one of the high stools across from the sink rubbing her temples, eyebrows pinched together while she takes generous sips from her massive coffee mug. The size comparison between her hand and the mug would have been something I giggled at if she didn't look ready to dunk her head in at any moment
I've finally gotten a reprieve from the mysterious staring as Dastan's been tasked with bringing in the tables we used outside. He's been in and out of the kitchen lugging the heavy wooden furniture. I can't say I mind too much. His absence has given my frazzled nerves a break. Anne sits at the counter next to Zahra folding sparkly, pink tablecloths. It's all very companiable even through the breaks of silence when Emma stops humming to pass on a dish.
There isn't much talking going on, which I'm grateful for. I don't think I could take much more of Emma's instigating or Dastan's passive-aggressive jabs at my sanity. He's been extraordinarily nasty all day. I knew going into this that he was going to be upset, angry even, but this… This is ridiculous. He's not even trying to be subtle about it. Everyone knows he can't stand the sight of me, even Anne has picked up that there's some hostility between us.
I realize Dastan's entered the kitchen without looking away from the dishes. I can hear the sound of his leather boots squeaking against the hardwood and a small huff that betrays the sound of his voice just beyond the air leaving his lips. It's started to rain, so he's dripping little droplets of water all over the place. I'm expecting Zahra to chew him out soon. Anne clears her throat, and it's such a loud sound in the ensuing silence that we all turn to look back at her. She reddens slightly, but continues on. "So, I know this is a weird question," she begins, nothing good ever starts out like that. "Forgive me for being presumptuous and you don't have to answer if you don't want to," Oh, this just keeps getting better, "but are you two together?" And there it is. Except, it's not what I was anticipating. She's looking at Emma. For a second I don't understand. Does she think Emma and Dastan are a couple? That's so ludicrous it makes me want to laugh.
Emma's eyebrows are raised, and there's a smirk creeping onto her features. The kind that usually accompanies some sort of nuclear disaster. Then I realize Anne's looking at the both of us. As in, Emma and I. Me. And Emma…
…Oh…
"No," Emma says and I breathe a sigh of relief. Only, it seems I've counted my blessings too soon, because she goes on. "Not that I wouldn't go there because, I mean," she gives me a once-over "Damn." I roll my eyes, "But this one," she points at Dastan "called dibs in first grade, and you know what they say about dating your friends' exes."
My eyes are the size of twin moons as I turn them on her, and I'm not the only one. If my eyes are full moons, Anne's are planets. Ginormous, ethereal grey planets. I look back at Emma who's grinning mischievously. What is she doing?
Dastan's giving her a look like he's about to rip her arm off and beat her with it. "Well, you can have her now," he says, with a tilt of his head and an unfamiliar gleam in his eyes. "I'm not making that mistake again." And with those words that little piece of my heart that was still intact shatters. I can't even look at him; I feel shame spread over my cheekbones and the bridge of my nose, red as the blood that should be seeping out of the wound he just inflicted. I wait for someone to say something, anything. They're all frozen: Zahra with her mug halfway to her mouth, Emma slack-jawed seated on the counter and Haider just standing next to me squeezing the life out of a dish towel. They all just stand there staring at him, and it's only sheer stubbornness that keeps me rooted to the spot. I turn to face the sink again. I'm still watching it all in my peripheral vision.
"Are you joking right now?" Anne asks him, her voice the kind of quiet that usually indicates a raging storm. "You didn't think this is something I should've known?" she makes a vague gesture at the space between him and I.
"It didn't seem important." He says by way of explanation and I don't know how she doesn't cross the room and slap that disinterested look right of his face. As it is, she seems like she's holding her temper in check by clenching her jaw.
"You didn't think it was important" she repeats and the anger flows off her in waves, I take an involuntary step away and bump my hip into the counter by the sink. "to tell me that I was going to meet your tall, supermodel, blonde bombshell ex-girlfriend; who your parents clearly love by the way."
"That's not exactly how I would describe it."
Oh, boy. He's gone and done it now. I see the moment her control snaps and I feel so sorry for her. That she's about to embarrass herself in front of people she clearly wants to make a good impression on. I speak before I've registered that there's words leaving my mouth. "So, what were you saying about that new lead in the case?" I ask Emma. It's such an unexpected question it snaps everyone out of their stupor. She turns to me her eyes confused but she doesn't get the chance to answer.
"I thought I told you to stop investigating that case." Haider says, suddenly sounding all business.
"Oops, I forgot," I give him a careless shrug and a lopsided smirk. He narrows his eyes at me.
"Stop using humor to deflect from your trauma." He says it so sternly. Sounding so much like a dad. So much like my dad, who I just want to hold me right now while I cry over this whole situation and how messed up everything feels, that for second I forget that I'll never have that.
"Thank you."
He raises an eyebrow, his mouth pulling down at the corners, "That wasn't a compliment." He chastises.
"All I heard was that you think I'm funny" another shrug, this time it's a little tenser. Emma chokes and I hear the telltale huff of Zahra's exasperation.
"Hold on," Anne interrupts, staring at Dastan. "You're not getting out of this that easy." Her voice strains over the words. I can tell she's holding back far more emotion than she's letting on. I barely know this girl but in this moment I feel a strange camaraderie with her. Maybe it's because we're both in love with the same boy, or maybe it's because we're both being hurt by the same boy. Whatever, it is it makes me wish I could make this situation a little easier for her. She doesn't deserve this and I'm part of the reason she's going through it right now.
"Haider," Emma's voice cuts through my thoughts like a straight razor. There's a breathy tone of panic in the sound, "Code red." Two little words but my entire body comes alive in response, adrenaline floods my system. I taste it at the back of my throat. I look down at the sink and realize that in all the excitement I've accidentally grabbed the blade of the knife I'd been washing. No, I'm squeezing the blade of the knife I'd been washing. My hands are still submerged but the water is slowly turning red.
… Ouch.
My stomach lurches and I stumble away from the sink my hand coming out of the water. Haider grabs my wrist before I see the blood and turns his body against mine so that my arm is tucked firmly against his side with the length of my body pressed against his back. It looks almost as if I've got my arm wrapped around him. He's got my wrist in a vice-like grip so I can't move. It's a little trick we perfected when we realized the sight of blood makes me lose it. "Zahra-" He begins.
"First-aid kit, I know" she says on her way out of the room. Emma's made her way to my side. She's stroking my hair soothingly, saying something but it sounds distant. Like it's coming through a tunnel. The sound is muffled and distorted. My heart is galloping like a prize racehorse, and my lungs are squeezing painfully tight. I'm forcing air through my chest at this point but I know it won't be long before I'm fully hyperventilating.
Images flash behind my eyelids.
My dad's body as I crawled towards it, still bleeding from the shots to the chest.
Mom lying in a ruby pool by the foot of the stairs.
Tommy slumped against the wall, his grey hoodie and the wall behind his head smeared with crimson streaks.
The air is thicker. My lungs are weaker. Spots of black dance across my vision as Haider comes into focus, then promptly blurs again. I feel his hands on my face, I think. He's saying something over and over again. "Look at me." I do. I focus on his eyes, like his son's. Black as tar, I'm drowning. Sinking deeper, it's not as unpleasant as I thought it'd be. I try to follow the pattern of brown and gold woven into his inky irises. I feel Emma's hand in mine. Slowly, I tighten my fingers over hers, regaining some sense of my surrounding. I keep forcing air out of my body. Keep looking into his eyes. It feels safe here. Belatedly, I realize my other hand has been patched up. I slump against Emma, breathing as deeply as I can and she holds me against her, cradling me. Protecting me from the world. Suddenly, it makes sense why Anne thought we were together. The thought is so silly; I let out a delirious giggle.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone