Chapter 5: Chapter - 4
"Don't talk to me at school."
"Haa. You're annoying me. Why do you have to be so familiar with me like a little girl?"
"Stop this. I'm busy. –Are you stupid."
"Liar."
Disgust in her eyes. I thought we were getting along.
Friendship, affection, bond. I believed without any reason that such invisible and certain things existed. By the time I realized it, it was too late. I just accepted the fact, realized that it was too late, still struggled miserably, and then it was over without a care in the world. I was used to being hated.
Now it was her turn. That was all there was to it. Somewhere I had the impossible illusion that she was the only one who was special. It couldn't be true. If that's what she wants, I can't cause her any more trouble. I wished her happiness in the future. I hoped so and turned away from her.
"You disappoint me."
"Why did you–!"
"I don't want you by my side. You will make me unhappy."
"—Don't ever come back."
The irritation, the frustration, the accusation in her words. The expectations that had been betrayed before I knew it. I didn't even know why. But I was not surprised to be disappointed.
Perhaps I had vaguely sensed that this would happen sooner or later. The first words exchanged after a long time were a farewell, and there was nothing to do but to obey.
We had almost lost touch with each other in any case. Our relationship was redefined by her. We are no longer "childhood friends," no longer friends, just unrelated strangers.
Humanity has made steady progress in civilization, but some things have not changed.
The origin of the umbrella is said to date back four thousand years, but that silhouette has remained unchanged.
This does not mean that the folding umbrella has not evolved since it was invented 120 years ago.
Why do we say "cheese" when we take a picture or "yoo-hoo" when we try Yamabiko?
[TL: Yamabiko (山彦) is a mountain god, spirit, and yōkai in Japanese folklore. Literally translated, "yamabiko" means "echo". It is the yōkai responsible for the natural phenomenon in mountains or canyons.]
It's time for us to evolve without being bound by our origins. And so, I called out to the mountains in front of me to take charge of human evolution.
"Tartaros!"
Yamabiko never responded. What a disappointment. The tension is straight into the abyss.
Giving up on my challenge to human history, I asked the question that had been bothering me.
"Don't be ridiculous, you fresh-looking guy."
"Is there anything more jokey than your current eccentricities?"
"I'm just challenging humanity's potential. So what's this all about?"
The sky was covered with thick clouds and looked as if it was not welcoming.
I inhaled deeply and felt the breath of fresh greenery.
In front of me was a magnificent natural setting that is rarely seen in the city.
According to the weather forecast, the weather is supposed to break down at night.
When I put my face back down, I was hit by a flash of handsome men that was 150% more intense than usual. Is this guy equipped with a flash?
He is acting as if nothing happened, but I'll give him a chance to explain how it happened.
"'Nananano' shut up. Are you a broken robot?
The four of us, who would have been the most incompatible group in the class —- me, Kouki Mihou, Hinagi Suzurikawa, and Shiori Kamishiro were all in the same group.
A conspiracy of fresh and handsome people.
We are waiting at the entrance of the mountain road for our departure, but I am full of question marks about this situation.
We are on a field trip.
The out-of-town study is an annual hiking trip held soon after the students enter the school to deepen the relationship between the students. It takes two hours to climb a mountain trail, have lunch, and then descend the mountain. It is as if the students are trying to backfill a hole they have dug.
"This is crazy! Why am I in a group of hikers? Isn't the role of a gloomy person to be welcomed with a look of disgust by a group of people who are instructed to form a group as they please, and then, after being left out, we are forced to join the group their homeroom teacher asked them to join?"
"We had a spot open"
That is true, but the biggest concern at the moment is not this man.
"Why don't you do me a favor and say no?"
"I don't know! I just happened to be with those two."
While I was secretly confronting Kouki, the stares of Suzurikawa and Kamishiro were still poking through me. It was awkward. I was told that it was a rude meeting, but I felt as awkward as a new employee who has made the boss's mood worse by talking to him. Well, I don't have any working experience.
I don't want to disturb their school life. I just want them to enjoy their school life without worrying about me like a bag of gloves on the highway.
I'm not trying to make them feel uncomfortable. There is no need to feel uncomfortable.
The teacher's whistle blew, and we climbed the mountain for two hours. The trail was gentle and comfortable, with no particular difficulties or dangers.
On the contrary, the atmosphere along the way was terrible. The fresh and handsome man was a perfect talker. He was careful not to break off the conversation as he talked about the topic at the top of his lungs. I would have preferred the three of them to be friendly anyway, but for some reason, he would talk to me a little bit too. Every time he did this, I would repeat, "Oh, yes," "Nothing," or "On the contrary," and I became a bot. I know people often say it the other way around, but isn't there a need to say it backwards?
In the meantime, we arrived at our destination. Many people's faces naturally broke into tears at the pleasant sense of fatigue and accomplishment, and at the beautiful view from the summit.
However, there seemed to be a certain number of people who were not physically strong enough, and about half of the group was sitting on the grass at the summit, screaming in agony.
Haa.... I was not inclined to do so. But I couldn't ignore them, so I reluctantly called out to them.
"Are you alright, Suzurikawa?"
"Yukito? Ah, thanks. but why?"
I handed a sports drink that I had just bought to Suzurikawa, who was sitting a short distance away from me.
She looks flustered, perhaps startled by being spoken to, but her expression is not good.
It is natural for her to have doubts. I have never spoken to her since I entered the school.
It is true that I have kept my distance from her, but for some reason, I could not understand why now I was concerned about her as a childhood friend. I denied it in the past, even though it was Suzurikawa herself who chose to reject me. That is why I tried to take the first step, but in the end I was rejected.
I recall that as soon as I entered junior high school, Suzurikawa told me not to talk to her at school.
I suppose she felt that it was bothersome to drag her old relationship with him into the new environment, as she was building a new relationship with others. It was a natural extension of our estrangement. Perhaps that is the extent of human relationships.
For her, I was more of a hindrance. Our relationship, which had become nothing at all, had become a stranger and should have ended long ago.
"It's convenient to have vending machines everywhere, isn't it?"
Suzurikawa's breath was coming in quick bursts. But that's not all. A gesture of protecting and covering her ankle. She tried to hide her ankle, but it was obvious. We had hardly had any conversation on the way up to this point, but there was no point in trying to make up for it in a place like this. She knew better than to make such a gesture, and this was not the time to be talking about it.
"I was sorry. I didn't think about your pace."
"No, I'm sorry for dragging you down."
"Don't worry about it, Suzurikawa-san!"
"I will be more considered on the way back."
Kamishiro and Kouki also looked worried. I've made it too much for her. By coincidence, all the students were in the ultra-indoor group that went home, but I was me and I still do not miss my running and muscle training. Kamishiro, who was in the girls' basketball team in junior high school, and a refreshingly good-looking guy who is also an all-around sportsman. Maybe that's why our pace was quite fast to climb up to this point.
This put a great burden on Suzurikawa. She was not physically fit. In the old days, I would have noticed that she was pushing herself too hard. But even though that was the distance between us now, I could not bear to see Suzurikawa in such a state of pain.
"Suzurikawa, strip."
"...Eh? I-in a place like this!? I'll take that kind of thing somewhere else—-"
"What are you talking about? Just show me your legs."
Somewhere else? I took out the taping from my backpack and sat down in front of Suzurikawa. Suzurikawa's face turned bright red as she realized her mistake, but she reluctantly nodded her head and took off her shoes.
"I-Is this okay?"
"You have to take off your socks too, otherwise I can't wrap them up."
"B-but ..."
"? Aah, it doesn't smell don't worry about it.
"Y-you don't have to say it like that!"
I don't have any ulterior motives at all, but I guess it is embarrassing to be with someone of the opposite sex. I am sorry for that.
"Yeah, yeah. I lacked delicacy. It's floral, so it's all right."
"You don't understand me at all!"
"No, but I thought it might hurt your feelings if I said it smells ..."
"S-Smell?!"
"It's hard to eat cream puffs without spilling the cream."
"Don't change the subject! Do they, hey!"
"All right all right. I'll hold my breath so you don't smell it."
"That's the same as saying it stinks already!"
"If you insist, I'll sniff it. Smell it!"
"Yes go a head sniff it! Eh, stop stop! No sniffing!"
Now, right. Now is not the time to be enjoying the smell of Suzurikawa's feet.
"Don't be rash. Calm down. I'm going to touch you a little."
"Nnn…."
She suddenly became quiet, as if she was a maiden in distress. From the outside looking in, I was the perverted *sshole who was touching a high school girl's raw legs. If I am reported, I will turn myself in honestly.
However, Suzurikawa does not show any signs of reporting the incident. Safe. Carefully taping the soles of the feet, from the ankles to the heels, from the calves to the Achilles tendons.
"You are very handy, Yukito. Do you always carry it with you?"
"I do a lot of running."
"Let's join the sports club together."
"To me, going home is the athletic team."
"How tight is it? Can you move it?"
"Y-yeah. ... I think it's okay."
"This will help a little. Take it easy on the way down."
"Thanks."
"Tell me if you feel any pain. See you later."
"W-wait!"
As I was about to leave, I was stopped, but someone tapped me on the shoulder from the side. When I turned around, I saw a small Sayuri-chan, my homeroom teacher with an zealous look on her face. She's really sweating.
Zombie, this person. How little stamina does she have?
"Kokonoe so heavy ... sorry, please give me one ...."
"Sensei, what are you going to do about your children's field day?"
"I'm not married!"
"You'll be in trouble eventually, you know. At the very least, you should be physically active."
"I always get home around 11 pm. I've been eating out for dinner all the time, and lately my foundation has not been going on as well as it should because I've been so inadequate. I don't have time to exercise. My life is over! I'm going to wither away!"
Sensei was devastated. She was too raw to be picky.
But I felt uncomfortable touching the adult teacher. Oh, yes!
"Kamishiro, please teach Sensei how to tape."
"M-me?!"
I called out to Kamishiro, who was watching from afar, and handed her the tools.
"You said something about becoming a manager. That's about as essential knowledge as it gets."
"I see, right. Un, understood. I will do it!"
"With a serious look on her face, she began to apply the taping with a fearful hand.
"Tight, tight, tight!"
"Wawa, I'm sorry!"
"Ah, Sensei, I found cellulite. There is one here, too."
"You idiot! That's the one thing you don't say to a woman!"
"Calm down. I'll teach you an effective massage method to get rid of cellulite."
"You can expect to get a good grade."
"Thanks. Kishashashasha"
"I'm too scared when you laugh with a straight face. That's not a laugh."
Free time. I returned from the restroom and sat down next to Suzurikawa.
She was rubbing her ankle, as if the taping was bothering her.
"These things really work, huh? I've never seen it before, so I'm curious."
"I've got blisters and sores. There is also a Band-Aid plaster, so don't hesitate to tell me."
"I wonder why you are so well prepared. ..."
"Somehow, there have been a lot of strange incidents. I've got a lot of them on hand."
"By the way, Yukito, you were seriously injured in ninth grade, too."
"You knew that?"
"Of course I knew. I've been watching you for a long time."
You were watching me the whole time? Suzurikawa, and me? For what purpose?
"I have not been watching you. Even today, I didn't notice you were in pain."
"...About that, why did you help me?"
She looked thoughtful. Thinking back, Suzurikawa I knew would have been much more aggressive and harsh to me. Now, that atmosphere has faded away. The impression does not match.
It was as if she had returned to the old Suzurikawa of long, long ago, but not even then.
"We're classmates in the same group. I should at least worry about you."
"Classmates... I see. Right."
"I'll give you some chocolates. Eat it and cheer up."
"Eh? Thanks .... You used to give me chocolates all the time."
Sugar is the best remedy for fatigue. It's kind of comforting.
"Just rest and you'll be fine in no time."
As I turned to leave, a thin hand grabbed me.
"—-I'm sorry, don't go."
"That ..., you still do that huh?"
"Eh? Ah, you remembered ...."
"I have confidence in my memory."
Suddenly, I noticed an ugly bear strap attached to Suzurikawa's phone case.
The coloring is all faded and tattered. It didn't even look good. I was surprised that she was still wearing it.
"We had fun back then. ..."
"Are you and your boyfriend having a fight or something?"
"That's .... You know, Hiori said she wanted to meet you."
"I haven't seen her lately. How is she doing?"
"She is fine, but we're in a fight."
"Really? That's unusual, since you used to be good friends."
"Yeah, that's because of me. What do you think I should do?"
"I guess you'll just have to apologize."
So it was not her boyfriend who was fighting with her, but her little sister. But if it was a fight between sisters, I don't think it would be that difficult to make up. I've never had a fight with Yuuri-san.
Hiori-san is the younger sister of Hinagi.
She is a person who calls me "Onii-chan," and I can say that she is also a young and familiar sister to me. I remember Hiori as a kind and gentle girl, overflowing with preciousness.
"She would never forgive me. Because I also trampled on her."
As if recalling something with a distant look in her eyes, Suzurikawa simply gazed out at nature. I am an outsider, and I cannot interfere in the quarrel between sisters. But I could somehow sense that she was waiting for me to say something.
"If you can't go back to your original relationship, you have to make a new one, right?"
"... Eh?"
"Even if you can't go back to your original close sisterhood, a new sisterhood would be up to Suzurikawa and Hiori-chan, wouldn't it? Well, what I say is not very convincing since Yuuri hates me."
"Fufu. That's never going to happen. But I see. I know. Thank you Yukito and…"
Suddenly, her expression softens a little. But it was only for a moment, and then she let out a breath as if she had made up her mind, and turned her stiffened expression toward me.
Suzurikawa slowly stood up, straightened her back, and bowed deeply and profoundly.
"I'm sorry for all the terrible things I've said. I thought I had to apologize as soon as possible. But I was so excited that maybe we could go back to the way we used to be, and be together as if nothing had happened. I can't pretend that it never happened."
"Suzurikawa? What are you talking about?"
"I know I'm being selfish now. I was arrogant, self-centered, ugly, and all I cared about was myself. That is why ...I am sorry!"
Her shoulders shook and she repeated her apology. It is the regret that Suzurikawa has been carrying around. Without even bothering to look at the crowd, she conveys her feelings to me. But
"Uhm...… I'm sorry. I don't remember you ever saying anything bad to me."
"... Eh?"
I was just puzzled. I don't know what Suzurikawa is apologizing for.
＊＊＊＊
"If anything, I should be the one apologizing. I'm sorry, Suzurikawa. I didn't mean to tell everyone about you."
Earlier, when Suzurikawa spoke to me, I inadvertently let slip that Suzurikawa had a boyfriend. I don't know how she feels about it, but at least she doesn't feel good about having someone else divulge her personal information.
"I appreciate everything you've done for me. I ... have to be told to understand."
"W-Why are you apologizing to me? I'm the one who's to blame! Even at that tim—"
It is true that there have been times when I have been told harsh things by Suzurikawa. But those were just facts. I did not think it was harsh. I never felt that it was unreasonable.
Because she clearly told me that it was annoying, I was able to know my place. I am very grateful for that. It's much healthier than having a superficial relationship with someone whom you don't want to be with.
"We are not fighting. I'm not angry, and there's no reason for you to apologize."
The two of us didn't end up like this because we were on different paths. The only thing that happened was that we took different paths and I couldn't stand next to her. I have no regrets or resentment about that.
"—You are kind. That's why I ... wish I hadn't met you."
Reunion is a tragedy. If I had never met her, I would not have made her face like this at this very moment. It doesn't change the fact that she is important to me. That's why.
I just wish her happiness so that I won't be in her way anymore.
We're just classmates now, disqualified as childhood friends and not even friends.
I wet a towel under the tap and wrap it over the taping to cool the affected area. I told Suzurikawa to stay as calm as possible and left the place.
"Yuki!"
Kamishiro called out to me as if she had seen me coming. This depressed me terribly.
"What were you talking about with Suzurikawa-san?"
"Three things: foot odor, sisterly quarrels, and consultation on future paths."
"Uhm….I have no idea what you're talking about."
That's strange. I told her everything, but she didn't get the message at all.
"We're all going out together next time. Yuki couldn't come before, so why don't you join us? I'm sure it will be fun. Do you have any places you want to go?
"It's going to be awkward, so I'll pass."
"…I-I see. I'm glad you gave it some thought!"
The way she slumped her shoulders was painful. Kamishiro has a heavenly personality.
She is popular because she treats everyone with open arms. But now, her usual vivaciousness is gone. I'm the cause of it.
Her eyes were shaking as if she was clinging to me. There was no trace of her innocence.
"May I ask you one question? Why did you choose Shoyo?"
"Becase….. I knew Yuki was going there."
Worst answer. Nevertheless, I did what I had to do. Kamishiro came to apologize, but I told her she didn't have to come back. If I hadn't told her, she would have come to the hospital every day, and that might have led to unnecessary scrutiny.
I wanted to avoid that. I was responsible for everything, including the decision I made in the first place. There was no need for Kamishiro to be concerned about me.
Besides, if by any chance she ran into Yuuri in the hospital room, it would be a major incident.
I had no intention of seeing her again. And yet, she was chasing after me.
"Hey, Kamishiro. you're such a sad little girl. Do you think I'm that pathetic? Do you feel that sorry for me?"
"I don't think so! I know you don't like me. I couldn't tell anyone at school, and I couldn't even help Yuki with your rehabilitation. I just want to do something for Yuki. That's all I can do. ... Please, let me do something too! Otherwise,...."
"Even if I don't want it?"
"...I know Yuki doesn't want to see me. I'm just using Yuki for my own personal satisfaction. But I hated to say goodbye like that,...."
Tears were welling up in her large eyes, threatening to spill over at any moment.
"Haa .... Kamishiro. There is nothing you can do. Just join the club. Everyone is looking for you. It doesn't suit you to be a homecoming club member."
"That's ... sorry. But I want to be with you!"
"There is no point in being so stubborn,"
As long as I'm around, Kamishiro will continue to be tormented. I don't want to see Kamishiro to suffer like this. It was best to leave, and I was happy to see her smiling in some unknown place.
"... Yuki, are you really not playing basketball anymore?"
"I don't even have any regrets now."
I was originally just devoting to shaking off my broken heart. It is not something to be admired.
But the habits I acquired during that time are still alive today.
"But I do play street ball sometimes."
"R-Really!?"
When I unexpectedly said something unnecessary, Kamihiro's reaction visibly changed.
"My body is getting weaker and slower, it's kind of a habit."
"When!? Where?
"It's a free court in the park ..."
Oi, oi, what's going on, Kamishiro? Wiping her tears with her arm, the light returned to her eyes as if they had been rapidly recharged, and the usual Kamishiro-like tension was restored. The conversation is a bit bouncy, in contrast to what it was a moment ago. The difference is so great that even a circuit breaker seems to be triggered.
"I-I will go too! Can I join you?"
"You can do whatever you want?"
"Yes!"
I couldn't possibly say no. The distance between us was too close! Her sparkling eyes reminded me of a dog begging to be walked. If she had a tail, she would be wagging it.
Kamishiro looks best when she's in good spirits rather than depressed. That has not changed since then. She is an athletic person at heart.
She probably wants to be physically active. When I entered "homecoming club" in the search window, the words that came up in the suggestion box were "bum" and "regret," which are not good words. There is no need to make Kamishiro stay with me no matter what. Her place is elsewhere. However, the urge is irresistible, and I end up doing it.
"Kamishiro, paw."
"Woof"
"Okay, Kamishiro fetch."
I took out a bag of candy balls from the snacks I always carry as emergency rations and tossed them. Kamishiro ran to get it at once. Eh, you're really going after it? Ah, she's coming back.
Kamishiro, who came back with the candy balls, was looking at me with expectant eyes while her cheeks were lightly stained. What should I do?
"C-Can you pat me?"
"Listen to me carefully, Kamishiro. You are not a dog. You are a human being. Be aware of that."
"You made me do it, Yuki! I had to get it for you!"
What are you talking about? Stroking a high school girl, that's a perverted *sshole…
Didn't I say this earlier? Geez, It's a little late for that.
Well, then, I can't help it! I observed Kamishiro again for about 10 seconds.
She was more feminine than before, yet still had an innocent look about her. But I couldn't stop.
I'll do it! Let's do it!
"I understand. If you feel like a dog, then I'll be like a breeder."
"T-that's not what I meant, but if you pet me, I'll still ..."
"I'm ready to do it. Good girl, good girl, good girl, good girl."
"Y-Yuki!? Just the head! That...You can't stroke my tummy there!"
"Good girl, good girl, good girl, good girl. Great job ~ well done for getting it."
"Hiyan! Don't touch there…Ah ..., I can't take it anymore...…, stop!…."
Kamishiro was writhing in agony. I wonder how many years in prison? I hope there are extenuating circumstances. ...
"Have you remembered that you are a human being?"
"I'm a human being."
"Fuu. My sacrifice was not in vain."
"Yuki! I-If you do this to anyone else, it's sexual harassment!"
"No, it's sexual harassment even if it's on you."
"You were aware of it?!"
"Wouldn't it be bad if I didn't know I was doing it?"
"Even if you are aware of it, it's still bad!"
It is still the same wherever I looked. Kamishiro suddenly started laughing.
"Hahahaha ... s-sorry. I somehow teared up. ..."
"Hay fever?"
"No it's not that, sorry. Yuki, your arm is fine, right?"
"Haa. You don't have to worry about it anymore."
"It doesn't work that way. ..."
As if she were touching a tumor, Kamishiro gently touched my arm. It's not uncommon for me to get suspicious. Somehow, it could be described as an everyday occurrence. I had gotten used to the pain.
The unassuming exchange with Kamishiro. The time between us goes back a little to a year ago.
Even so, it is definitely different from a year ago. The relationship between me and Kamishiro now is not equal.
No matter how much I s*xually harass her, she will never sue me.
And as long as that is the case, the relationship between me and Kamishiro will remain stuck in a frozen state of stagnation.
"Wha...! Why?! I dropped it... this can't be true... No way...–!"
"What's the matter, Suzurikawa-san?"
"Gone, It's gone! The strap…."
As we descended to the bottom of the mountain and were about to board the bus, Suzurikawa began rifling through her luggage as if in a panic. Only the strap's string was held in Suzurikawa's hand, and the ugly bear mascot that should have been attached to the end of the strap was missing.
"That thing, huh? That was up there, right?"
"Yes. I dropped it on the way down the mountain! What am I going to do ... without that thing ...!"
"No choice but to give up?"
"No! ...I'll go look for it!"
"Don't be absurd. The bus is leaving."
"But–!"
"The strap broke, that means it's got to be long-lived. You've had it long enough, no?"
"But... but it was the last thing that Yukito gave something to me….."
"I'm sure your boyfriend will buy you one of those."
"Stop it! I don't want to hear any more!"
Suzurikawa was distraught. Girls' tastes are difficult to understand. But that doesn't mean she could go looking for it. As long as the group was acting together, there was no way she could delay everyone's return home just for the sake of one person.
It didn't seem like such a big deal. Somehow, I managed to appease and calm her down as we boarded the bus, but she was downcast as if she were a puppet with broken strings.
[Suzurikawa PoV]
Is this also a divine punishment? Was it because I was so excited to be able to talk to the Yukito for the first time in a long time?
If so, it was too cruel. As I swayed on the bus, a helpless sense of frustration built up. That strap is a bonding bond for me. It is a precious thing that proves the existence of irreplaceable time.
It was also the last present that Yukito gave something to me. I am sure that even now, if I ask for it, he might give me something in place of it. But that's not what I want.
What I want is that I don't have what I really want anymore.
What should I do ...What should I do ...? Shall I go looking for it as soon as I get back? It's not that far away. Maybe I can find it before dark.
But I quickly dismiss the idea. I'm tired. It was already too much of a chore to move around today. The weather was starting to break. It would be dangerous to head out alone in this condition. But that doesn't mean I can't involve someone else in something like this.
So, should I go tomorrow? The more time passes, the less likely it is that I will be found.
With no answer in sight, I manage to make my way back to the school, and HR begins.
My homeroom teacher, Sayuri sensei, is saying something to me, but I can't get it out of my head. But I couldn't miss what she said.
"Oi, Kokonoe, where is he?"
"Now that you mention it, he said earlier that he wasn't feeling well and that he was going home."
"I didn't hear anything about it. Mihou, is that true?"
"No, I didn't know either."
"I don't mind if he just went home now, ... that troublemaker. He could have told me"
His seat was blank. I don't know, I haven't seen him since he arrived at school. I thought we were on the bus together. What is the meaning of this? He didn't seem to be sick. Did he suddenly have a stomach ache ... Maybe I should call him later. I'm sure he won't respond, but I'm worried.
An inexpressible uneasiness was growing. For some reason, my bad premonition kept growing.
[Yukito PoV]
"I'm back!"
I shouted loudly, but there was no response. It was a sad monologue.
Just an hour ago, the place was filled with the hustle and bustle of students, but now I was the only one there.
I fantasize about living a slow life in the countryside in the future, but it's just not possible for modern people. I, Yukito Kokonoe, live and die by the convenience store within a minute's walk from here. I'm so much of a regular that the staff might give me strange nicknames. Ignorance is bliss
But I can't just leave her alone, can I?
I've known her for a long time. With a face like that, I can't just ignore it.
Even if we are just classmates now, I should at least be able to help her if she's in trouble.
I make excuses to no one and get into the swing of things.
I picture the steps in my head. No doubt they were there when I talked with Suzurikawa at the top of the mountain. If so, it must have fallen somewhere along the route. The wind was not strong. It might not have been blown away, but if a small animal like a squirrel was moving with it in its mouth, it would be lost. No choice but to hurry. I quickly made my return, it was around seventeen o'clock. Thick clouds covered the sky and the temperature dropped rapidly. It was less than an hour before sunset.
"If I can't find it after going back and forth, I'll give up, Suzurikawa…."
[Suzurikawa PoV]
I carelessly put my bag down in my room and threw myself onto my bed. With a familiar hand, I operated my phone and opened the images. That was my usual routine.
There were many memories of the good times we had together. However, that stopped after the second year of junior high school. From that point on, there were fewer and fewer pictures, and the happy days faded away and the gray days continued. The pictures of my face in them were tired and lonely.
"Can we go back? ...I hate it"
I was always smiling in those days. The first time I saw him, I thought he was a very nice man, and I was very happy to see him. Next to me was someone I loved and who loved me. Whenever I tried to get close enough to take a picture of him, he always responded with a troubled, embarrassed, but still expressionless face. They are all precious, truly precious memories.
—-And now I have lost one of those precious memories.
It is a picture of me in a yukata. Every year, I used to go to summer festivals with him.
At first we went together as a family, but at some point we started going together.
All of them are faint, fleeting, beautiful, and tender memories that come back to me. But all of them were broken. I broke them myself.
I wonder if we could still go out together like this? I wonder if we could have a deeper relationship, go out together to a summer festival, hold hands together, kiss, and then come back home together—- Tears well up in my eyes. I am so stupid, and I have lost something precious to me.
Why? It was a sin to ask such a question. It was all my fault. I had thrown it away. I, the ugly, petty, cowardly one, couldn't stand the happiness and destroyed it. Will we ever be able to talk again like we used to?
I hate it... I want to talk to him more....touch him like we used to…——
That day at the summer festival, when he tried to h*ld my hand, I was so embarrassed that I pulled my hand away and shook it off in a spur of the moment. I didn't want him to realize how nervous I was. [TL: Too lewd]
I wondered if my hands were sweating. I thought desperately, and secretly wiped my hands with a handkerchief.
But he didn't hold my hand again. No. It's not that. I should have just held his hand back.
The feelings that I couldn't reach him. Words that won't be conveyed. I want him to know the truth, but I couldn't tell him, and I've come this far without telling him. If only I could have expressed my feelings to him sooner. Such regrets are piling up day by day.
When I stand in front of him, my legs cower. When I look into his eyes, I am afraid to say anything. I feel as if he thinks that I am no longer important to him.
No longer a childhood friend, no longer a friend, not even a classmate, but an uninterested, irrelevant stranger. I might be considered as such. It was so cruel and terrifying.
But I could tell from his words that it was because he still cared about me. I wanted to believe that he still thought I was important after betraying him like a joke. Believing that that was why he was acting the way he was was the only thing that supported my heart. I didn't know that this would cause me even more pain.
But I had reached my limit. I couldn't take it anymore. I was happy that we were in the same class and that it might be a chance to improve our relationship. But it was too difficult, and the distance between me and him, who was supposed to be so close, was tremendously far.
Even in the ninth grade, he had been badly injured. In my memories he is always injured. He was always hurt by something. And he never once told me why. All he would say was that it was his fault. He never said anything to anyone.
Why, why would he go to that extent–
Today, after just talking to him for the first time in a long time, my feelings had become uncontrollable. The feelings I had been suppressing were swirling like a storm and threatening to erupt.
I held my knees, hugged my body tightly, and gently stroked the taping that was wrapped around me.
Walking was much easier now. He's noticed. He always, always, would save me if I asked for help. But he didn't do it that one time.
I must follow this feeling honestly. I remember the words of Yukito.
Even if we can't go back to the way things were, we might be able to create a new relationship. If I don't step forward here, if I don't step forward now, this whole year will have been for nothing.
I will never get another chance like this. Then I may never see him again. I will not even be allowed to approach him. Am I really going to end up like this, a coward? Is it okay to stay like this? It couldn't be good.
"—-Please. One more chance, please."
I clench my shaking hands as if asking for forgiveness, hoping for someone to forgive me. As if to make up for the days that have passed us by.
I gathered up all my courage and apologized. But there was a sense of discomfort. A discrepancy that would not be filled.
I had been thinking only of apologizing, but his words left me completely blank.
"...What do I want to do with Yukito"
I had never been in a fight with him before. He never got mad at me. It was always just me saying something one way to him.
Tell him everything. Tell him what has happened, why I did the things I did. I will tell him how I feel, openly and honestly, and I will tell him everything about me, nothing hidden, nothing cowardly.
And I will give him everything I have. So please, just one more time. [Yukito PoV]
"How could I possibly find something like this ..."
Yes, I found it! I got distracted and sat down in the shade of a tree. I had gone back and forth three times. Even though I was confident in my physical strength, I was tired. The rain that had begun to fall took away both my strength and body heat. My knees were wobbling and I couldn't stand on my feet. It was dark! I was getting used to the night vision, but I heard an owl hooting from somewhere. It's so elegant, isn't it? I'm glad it wasn't a wild dog. There was nothing I could do about it.
It was near the sixth station. It must have rolled when she dropped it, or it was stuck on a slope slightly off the route. I looked at it again, and the expression on the ugly bear's face was annoying. For how long do you cherish something like this ...?
I threw away all the things and memories given to me by Suzurikawa at that time. There is nothing left now. And yet, Suzurikawa's…
I shake off my thoughts. The time is almost up. If I don't hurry, I will not be able to return home in time. I drag my heavy body down the slope.
＊＊＊＊
Lanterns twinkle and festival music plays a melody. The bustle and noise of the festival is filled with a sense of enjoyment. A street lined with food stalls. With cotton candy in hand, I walked with her.
"Hey, let's eat apricot candy!"
She smiles carefree like she used to, perhaps because of her mood. Such an expression is rare nowadays. She flicks out her candy-red tongue and squints mischievously.
Perhaps it is the special day of the summer festival that casts a spell that brings me back to my childhood.
"Look, you're good at target practice, aren't you? Get it!"
The white-colored wisteria-colored yukata suited her figure well.
Aiming for the target, I did as I was urged. I put the strap of a small bear that I had shot down at the target shooting stall in my purse and proceeded with light steps as if in a state of elation.
This was an annual event for us. I had no doubt that it would continue to be so. As the sun gradually set, a single firework went off, as if to announce the start of the event.
"You know, n-next year….no, not like this—...why ...."
The crowd gradually grew and drowned out the words I was saying.
A loud thumping sound made me look up at the sky. Colorful fireworks were blooming in the night sky. People around us cheered, "Oh ...," and everyone looked at the fireworks.
We were swept away by the crowd, and the distance between us and her was growing.
I quickly took her hand and held it so we wouldn't get separated.
"—-!"
Her eyes widened in astonishment and she flicked her hand away with a snap. My right hand, which had been extended to the retracted hand, lost sight of its purpose and wandered aimlessly in the void.
"Ah ...."
A faint exhale escapes, and she turns back to cover her expression.
Maybe she had been haunted all along. In middle school, she had gradually become more spiteful. I should have realized it sooner.
I should have known sooner, even though she had warned me.
That our relationship had changed and was long over.
That the hand that was shaken off was an intention of rejection.
"–Hmm…..huh...?"
My body feels heavy. Is the earth's gravity changing? My thoughts are hazy and hazy.
My shirt, soaked in sweat, was stuck to my back. I tried to get up to change my clothes, but it became too much trouble and I gave up. I had no choice but to wipe myself off with a towel, but it was too much work.
My vague and hazy memory gradually became clearer. I had caught a cold, I thought.
I managed to make it home in a shambles, but I must have overworked myself in the rain, because I collapsed as soon as I got home. When I took my temperature with a thermometer, I was surprised to find that it was over 38 degrees Celsius. I remember that I only took a bath and dove straight into bed.
When I checked my watch, it was around twelve o'clock. I must have slept for more than half a day.
I was still a little sluggish, but I felt better than yesterday. My temperature had gone down to normal.
After taking some medicine for the cold and getting another good night's sleep, I should be able to go to school tomorrow.
It's been a long time since I've had a cold. It might be the first time since I started working out.
It was not good that I got wet in the rain. I wonder if it's because I've been in the middle of a hectic schedule lately, or if I've been under some kind of mental stress. I had caused trouble for my family again.
In the silence, the only sound was the ticking of the clock. The regular sound, like a metronome me back to sleep. I felt like I was having a very nostalgic dream. The content was pleasant, sad, or somewhere in between. Only a sense of loss remained.
I noticed a strap on my desk. I had completely forgotten about it.
What was it about it that attracted Suzurikawa so much? Could it be that it was actually quite rare? It would make sense if that was why she was in such a panic. If that is the case, I have to give it to Suzurikawa as soon as possible.
But that may not be possible right away. With this thought in mind, my consciousness once again fell into the darkness.
[Suzurikawa PoV]
"I want to ask you something. Can you give me a minute?"
"Eh, me? Wait, please a moment"
During recess, an unexpected person arrives in the classroom.
It was Yukito's sister, Yuuri Kokonoe who showed up. The classroom, which had been quiet until a moment ago, started to buzz. Whispers of a possible confession can be heard, but even though Mihou is a popular boy, such a thing is absolutely impossible for Yuuri-san. She will only make a move if it's about Yukito.
For a moment, her eyes are fixed on me, clearly hostile. It was probably even at Shiori Kamishiro
"Why is Yuri-san ..."
"Yukito is absent from school because of a cold."
But I was more worried about Yukito than anything else. The vague uneasiness inside me is still smoldering.
[What do you mean?]
[That's what I want to ask. Yesterday, he couldn't—-]
The confused voice leaking from the corridor proves that it was not a confession at all. After a while, Mihou-kun came back with a mysterious look on his face.
"What's wrong, Mihou-chi?"
"No I'm fine….but wait. I see! It can't be he….. Suzurikawa-san!"
Mihou-kun noticed something, changed his expression and hurried to speak to me.
"Yesterday, I heard that Yukito came home at almost ten o'clock."
"Why would Yukito come home at that hour? Because yesterday–."
"Yeah. He left school early. He left school early. And yet he got home late at night. It was raining last night, right? And today he is missing school."
At times like this, I hate myself for being so blind. I hate myself for being so narrow-minded as to feel jealous of Mihou, who understands Yukito better than I do.
This is just a guess. Suzurikawa-san, you said you dropped the strap. Perhaps Yukito went–"
I was running out of the classroom before I had finished listening to him.
"Wait, please wait!"
Unable to stand still, I started to run towards her as fast as I could. I forgot about the pain in my legs. I called out to Yuuri, who was heading back to the second grade classroom. I felt a sense of frustration.
Yuri's footsteps came to a sudden stop and she looked back. Her reirend gaze became even harsher.
"Uhm...!"
"....What?"
"Is Yukito okay?!"
Yukito's sister used to be kind to me. But now she's ....
"... It's just a cold. The fever went down in the morning and he will get better soon."
"Thank god.... Can I go visit—-"
"Suzurikawa-san. Don't make me more angry than I already am."
"–...?!"
I was interrupted by a cold voice that chilled me to the bone.
"Yesterday, why was that boy so late coming home? Do you know what he was doing?
"Ah, ..., uhm ...."
What Mihou said is just a guess. There is no proof. Yuuri did not hide her irritation at my lack of an answer, and her words were filled with anger.
"Did you deceive him again? All the way to the ground!"
"I'm sorry! It's my fault! It's my fault! Because I said something unnecessary–"
I couldn't help but apologize, even if it might have been a misunderstanding or a self-satisfaction.
Shakily, I was fully recovered! I was completely revived, but I was starving.
Mom had to go to work today, and she was terribly depressed. She said she wanted to stay with me and take care of me, but I couldn't rest if she did that.
I had too much energy. I'm short on hands and ... have nothing to do.
Isn't she coming home early? It was not my mother. Is it my sister? Shall I pretend to be asleep?
I listen carefully and hear her talking to someone at the front door.
"... go home."
"—–B-but!"
"I'll take care of him. I don't want you here."
"Please! Just a moment of his time is all I ask!"
"If you care so much about him, why did you—-!"
"—–!"
"Why is it any of your business. You, who abandoned my brother?"
"I-It's not like that..."
"Goodbye."
The front door is violently closed. I was terrified by the wildness of the situation.
She was the first one to enter my room. Don't expect the common sense of knocking. She must have come home in a hurry, because she was a little out of breath.
"And, how are you doing?"
"The fever has gone down a lot and I feel much better, but ... did anyone come in here just now?"
I asked, scared. She seemed to know me, but I didn't know who it was.
"...It's a newspaper solicitation."
"You're not good at lying, are you?"
"Ha?"
"I misspoke."
Lieeeeeeeeeeeeeesssss! What what what is going on?! Although I couldn't hear the conversation, it didn't seem like it was going to be like that! There was no way an argument could have occurred over the solicitation of a newspaper.
But when I asked her about it, she didn't seem to have the slightest intention of telling me. I was curious, but when she said, "Ha?" That is the ironclad rule in our family. It's hard to argue with my sister.
"I bought all kinds of things that look good for you."
Sports drinks, nutritional foods, and jellies were placed on the table. Why are they all peach-flavored? She shows a mysterious faith in peaches, but thankfully they are easy to eat.
"You look much better than you did this morning. Is there anything you want me to do?"
"No."
I answered immediately. There is nothing to bother my sister's hand.
"Shall I wipe your sweat for you?"
"I wiped it off myself a while ago, so I'm fine."
"Then, do you want me to make you some porridge?"
"Haha, I would rather not"
"Ha?"
"I'm getting carried away."
Sadly, my trust in my sister's cooking skills is buried under the ground. Facing the cruel reality, I gave up and went to the kitchen and started to make myself some porridge. "Make one for me, too," she says.
How's your appetite?
"I'm not so hungry"
"How's your sleep?"
"I've been sleeping all night, so my eyes are still wide-open."
"Your sex desire?"
"...Hmm?"
Do you have to ask that? No need to hide my upset. Wait. This is just a medical interview by my sister. Even Yuuri Kokonoe would never ask such a meaningless question!
"Hey, what about your sex desire? Hey!"
"Uhm ...."
"Answer me. How's your sex desire?"
"I-It's piling up?"
Unable to bear the pressure, I inadvertently answered honestly.
"I see. Hold on to it when you get over your cold."
"Yes."
I was afraid to ask back, so I just answered honestly.
"I'm sorry for the trouble I caused you, Yuuri."
"Trouble…..why are you—-Haa. If you need anything at all, just call me."
"Yes"
After finishing eating, I returned to my room. Why did my sister's face look so sad?
＊＊＊＊
I opened my abandoned phone and saw an inflated notification. I realize I have failed. I shouldn't have looked. The name of Suzurikawa were all lined up in a row. My gaze naturally turned to the strap.
She must be in trouble by now. I could have given it to her at school, but I had no choice but to hurry.
"I'm going to the convenience store."
The reply came shortly. The cold was completely gone.
I heard that Suzurikawa can get out too. In any case, I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep at this point.
After putting on my jacket, I hobbled off to my destination.
"Yukito!"
Wait, I smell like sweat right now, get away from me! As soon as she saw me, she jumped into my chest and I tried to push Suzurikawa away, but she was surprisingly strong. Gununununu....
"Sorry about the end of the school day. I could have done it tomorrow."
"No. That's such a relief! Is your cold gone?"
"I'm feeling great. I've had a lot of free time on my hands."
"If anything happened to Yukito, I ..."
Suzurikawa was crying. –How unusual. Suddenly, I realize.
"Did you come to my house, by any chance?"
"—-….. sorry."
"Why are you apologizing? Did you get into an argument with Yuuri?"
"N-no! Not like that,..., it was my fault…"
Was it Suzurikawa that Yuuri was turning away?
"Sorry. Yuuri is a martial artist. She must have been hungry and worked up."
"Kusu. I don't know if she'll get mad at you for saying that."
I had a throbbing headache from the unfamiliar crying face. Suzurikawa I remember was always angry and dissatisfied.
"Look, Suzurikawa. Take your ugly bear and go home."
"—–! T-Thank you. Yukito, was you looking for this?"
"I was bored to death because I was home. It's important to you, isn't it?"
"T-Thank you,..., but don't do anything dangerous on your own!"
I gave Suzurikawa an ugly bear on a strap, a.k.a. unbearable. I thought there would be a round of applause for my good sense in naming the bear, but it didn't go through. How terrible.
"I didn't realize they were so valuable.
"I didn't think it was that valuable. ... because this strap is—–"
I didn't know what the words meant. I didn't even want to ask for details. I had given back what was important to her. I wanted nothing more than that.
For a while after that, Suzurikawa kept soaking my T-shirt with tears.
"C-come to my house! There's at least something to eat."
"It's almost night. I'm going to get some ramen and go home."
At this time of night. I am sure that person will at least allow me to send her home.
I'm fine after taking the day off from school, but I'm sure that Suzurikawa is tired. I can't let her go home alone. Her leg is even sore.
Well, when was the last time we were alone together like this? I am feeling a little restless. I was worried because Suzurikawa I knew was so different from Suzurikawa I knew these days. She is not as agitated and calm as she used to be.
"I'm sorry you had to drop it to me"
Is your leg okay?
"Yeah, I'm fine. ….How to say, I miss this kind of thing. I used to get angry at you for playing so late. Yet ... I don't want you go home"
When I arrived at her door, I found her looking somewhat regretful.
"Is something bothering you? It's okay. Nobody cares about the smell of your feet."
I tried to comfort her, but her face turned red.
"Wha!? How long are you going to keep pulling this on me?"
"I thought it was the smell that bothered you?"
"I told you it's not that! Ah, right. That's enough to make me angry. In that case sniff it!"
"Hmph! With a snort and a burnt-out look on her face, Suzurikawa turned her still-taped leg toward me. She looked a little like Suzurikawa I knew.
"I don't understand your taste in trying to get people to sniff it."
"Don't misunderstand me!"
I had no choice. I put my nose close to her and sniffed. Yes, I am the pervert. I'll sweetly accept it. This is Gaia... Suddenly, I come back to myself. No, that ....
"What are we doing…..?"
"Ugh, .... It's your fault! H-How do they smell?"
"Well, that's beside the point. The other day, a fortune teller walked by and bought me a cup of coffee while crying, what was that all about?"
"Don't leave me alone! I'm very interested in what you have to say, but first, protect my honor!"
"That that. That's more Suzurikawa-ish."
"...Eh...?"
"I thought you had completely changed your personality."
Suzurikawa looked as if she had lost her temper, but gradually understood what I was trying to say, and she turned her head down again. I thought I would be bombarded with abusive language, but there was nothing like that.
"…Hey, Yukito. Am I changing?"
"Do you hate it?"
"…..I hate myself so much I can't stand it. It's terrible, isn't it? It's really arrogance not to be honest. I am just taking advantage of you. I'm only hurting you."
As if to express her regret, these self-mocking words spilled out of her mouth.
"I wanted to change. Ever since that day, I have always regretted it. It's cowardly of me to expect you to understand me without telling you. If I don't tell you myself, if I don't put it into words, then there is no point."
I was silent, not knowing what words to say in response to Suzurikawa's anguished words.
"Thank you for finding it—-Thank you. I'm happy."
"You already told me."
"Why did you go looking for it, Yukito? You've been avoiding me for so long."
"As I said yesterday, I'm not looking for a fight. If you are in trouble, I will help you. That's the least I can do."
No matter how much she hated me, the fact was that she had saved my life. This was just a way of repaying that huge debt and nothing more.
"Is it because ... I'm your childhood friend?"
"Unrelevant. But if you're in trouble, if you need help, you have to tell me. I can't be around you anymore."
"You can't ...–Stay with me!"
"That's not my role—-"
Suzurikawa's hand touches my cheek. She slowly speaks out as if she is squeezing my cheek.
"I'm not dating senpai anymore. We broke up right away."
"Ha? No, wait a minute. When did you break up?"
"About two weeks."
"N-no, wait. What the hell. Then I'm fake news ... for policy violations, ... for privacy law violations."
Eeeeehhhh for real? I've never heard of this before! I didn't notice it at all. That's how little I had seen of Suzurikawa. If there was a hole, I would want to get in it.
"It's my fault for not telling you! But I don't want to stop talking with Yukito anymore. Let's go back! Can we go back to being childhood friends like we were back then!"
"Impossible. We can't go back."
"B-But why? Is it too late? Can't I make it in time? Do you like Kamishiro?"
"—No. It's just that I can't remember the feelings I had when I liked you at the time."
A sweet temptation. But still, I never want to go back to the past. The past is always painful and hard. There was no point to which I wanted to return.
"I've always loved you, you know? I've loved you since I was a little girl! I was so happy when Yukito confessed his love to me. I wanted to answer right away! But–"
Suzuriakwa likes me? Eh, a hallucination? Her sudden confession sounded as if it was about someone else and a matter of fact. What the hell is that? The words spewed out with such vigor that it boggles my mind. Earlier, you said you wanted to be honest. So why are you lying?
Why do you try to lie so much? My headache grows worse.
I heard a cracking sound.
It's such a convenient thing that it can't be. In an instant, my thoughts are pulled back to flat.
Our relationship is an extension of the past, a choice I once made.
"I didn't realize you were such a liar."
"–About…..what..."
People say that when one is ill, one's mind becomes feeble, and this may be exactly the case with Suzurikawa's mental state. Her fatigue must be at its peak. When she is feeling down, she is inclined to show her weakness, which does not usually come out. When I catch a cold, I too talk less. My sister even says to me, "You look more sane when you are sick."
I ruminate over the words of Suzurikawa. Why on earth would she say such a thing now? Childhood friends are a rare relationship. From other people's point of view, the relationship appears to be strong and special. That is why it was troublesome. No matter if it was the same sex, if it was a childhood friend of the opposite sex, the relationship and the distance between them would inevitably be a hindrance to dating someone else. That being the case, she would have tried to break off the relationship.
"If we go back to the way we were, it will be the same thing over and over again. If you fall in love with someone else from now on, I will be nothing but a hindrance to you."
"There is no way that's true!"
This is not only true for Suzurikawa. It's that way for everyone. I was already used to it.
"And you've always liked me? Why would you lie like that? Didn't you go out with your senpai because you liked him? Or did you go out with senpai even though you didn't like him?"
"—That's!? But it's not a lie! I'm telling—-!"
There is no doubt that Suzurikawa is lying. If Suzurikawa really told me that she had liked me for a long time, then why did she go out with her senpai? Why didn't she say so at the time? It was the only thing I had ever wished for in my life, the future I had tried to reach for.
But it spilled out of her hand like sand, leaving me with nothing, as usual. Suzurikawa must have liked her senpai enough to go out with him and do that sort of thing. And yet, the story that Suzurikawa had always liked me for a long time sounded like a lie. If it had been after they had broken up with Senpai, I would have been able to understand it, but to be told that she had been in love with me for a long time, I had no reason to believe it.
From the beginning, did she have feelings for me? That was impossible.
I had indeed been dumped and had my heart broken at that time.
Before we met again, I remembered the last words Suzurikawa had said to me. [Liar]
She said these words as if squeezing them out of her hate-filled eyes, and disappeared from my life.
"I don't care if you hate me for whatever reason. But I have never lied to you. I want you to believe that. Well I'm leaving. Make up with Hiori-chan"
[Suzurikawa PoV]
All I could do was watch him leave in a daze. I tried to go after him, but my legs wouldn't move. Only my upper body was falling forward and I was about to fall down.
I finally felt as if I had caught a glimpse of his true intentions. Yukito was right. Sadness washes over me at my own sinfulness. I can't help it.
I felt like my heart had been grabbed by an eagle when I heard Mihou's story.
Yukito had missed school because of a cold. I wondered if he might be suffering from a terrible, monstrous injury. I was filled with fear. He would disappear. He was going to disappear. I was the one who had caused it. I wanted to deny my worst imagination, but I couldn't. My heart feels frozen.
I look down. The precious bond. I couldn't reach my heart. I couldn't touch it.
That summer festival day. I shook off his hand.
I was so excited that I didn't see the look on his face at that moment. Yukito might have felt rejected by me. I didn't tell him otherwise.
I realize it now. It took me a long time to even understand that.
Right. He was always the first to hold hands with me, to confess his feelings to me, and so on. What was I doing then? Like a baby chicken just waiting to be fed, I only received from him, but did I ever do anything for him, did I ever tell him?
I am the one who lied. That's right. The lies I have told have caused him to suffer and me to suffer. It was easy to correct that lie.
But to reveal my true feelings about why I lied was terrifying.
My ugly heart. I was so self-protective, testing others, keeping myself in a safe place, and hurting only others. If I had been honest with myself, if I had waited just a little longer, none of this would have happened.
At that time, I was in a hurry. Yukito was popular. He didn't realize it, but he was more mature than anyone around him.
And above all, he was kind. It was impossible for him not to be popular. Even his occasional eccentricities and outlandish behavior were hard to leave alone. I know girls who liked my childhood friend with his unbalanced charm. They didn't confess their feelings to Yukito because I was there. That's why I did such a true impersonation.
I am the worst. Ugly me. I am dirty and jealous.
As soon as word got out that I had hooked up with a senior, the other girls immediately approached him. One of them was Shiori Kamishiro.
But Yukito began to devote himself to club activities. He didn't care what he looked like, didn't look away at all, and just chased after the ball.
By that time, I was in the grip of my own lies, amplified by malice, and they were irretrievable. Unable to move, unable to scream, I was bound to the thorns of reality.
My mouth did not speak the truth, and I called him a liar.
["Uhm….I will alway be on Yu-chan's side, forever!"]
["Then, I will help you if you are in trouble."]
The promise I made to him when we were children was not something that could be dressed up as marriage. But I still keep it in my heart as a precious memory. He probably doesn't even remember it. Even so, he could not forgive me. I told me that he would help me. I was not the one suffering the pain, but someone else. I was helplessly saddened by that.
I gently tightened my grip on the strap. I knew the truth. He would never lie. Just as he had helped me today.
I was the one who betrayed him by lying and not asking for help.
Even then, if I had honestly asked him for help, he would have solved the problem right away. Because he is a strong person who can do that.
I wanted to change. It was me who needed to change. If I had been honest, I wouldn't have been in such a horrible situation. My family despises me, they are disgusted with me, they are angry with me, and my sister, who adored Yukito, still hasn't forgiven me.
Even though I love Yukito so much. I couldn't tell him how I felt, I couldn't tell him what I said. When I did, I could no longer reach him, and he had lost his affection for me.
It's me who is chasing after him. I will make him like me again.
He no longer needs me to just wait for him. I longed to be a princess, as everyone dreams.
But my glass slipper was shattered, and I had no magician to help me, no pumpkin carriage to take me to the castle, nothing. But I still have the kindness of the man who never gave up on me, in my aching leg.
I will never give up! I can't give up. I don't want to give up.
If I reveal this ugly truth, he will surely hate me. That is why I have come this far without being able to say it. I didn't have the courage, I didn't have the resolve, and now I was condemned as a liar. Yet I had to say it. I had to take just one more step.
Finally, I understand clearly. It was too late, but still I was–.
In order to start everything over, I would have to be hated by Yukito. I have to admit all this ugliness to him, or I can't go back. No, I'm not going back. This time I have to move on!
"I'm sorry. ..."
This is the last time I'm going to apologize. So, hate me and let's start again.
This time, it's about the true love of Suzurikawa…
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
Yuichi_Aragi
Yuichi_Aragi Sorry for the late chapter.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone