Prologue
Through the eyes of a child, you could see all the magic the world had to offer, is what they said.
But I couldn't remember seeing anything magical when I was a kid.
Growing up, my world was only filled with unending violence, imposed fear and useless pleads. My father, who was supposed to be our pillar, did nothing but break us until my mother and I crumbled into tiny fragments, unable to build ourselves again.
It was a never-ending cycle; a nightmare that was always on repeat.
Kung mayroon mang impyerno, iyon mismo ang naging buhay ko sa loob ng bahay namin.
Walang araw ang lumipas na hindi pinaranas ng aking ama ang sakit ng bawat hagupit ng kanyang galit. Hindi ko nga alam kung ano ba ang nagawa ko sa kanya para magalit siya nang ganoon sa akin.
Did I ruin his life when I was born? Did I hurt him in any way? Did I bring the misfortunes he was always talking about? Hindi ko talaga alam. Wala naman kasi akong maalalang kasalanan na nagawa ko sa kanya. Wala rin naman siyang maibigay na dahilan sa akin kung bakit niya ginagawa ang mga pananakit na iyon. Basta't ginagawa niya na lang, ipinararanas at uulitin sa mga parating na araw.
If dying was an option, I would've chose that in a blink of an eye.
Pero kahit iyon ay ipinagkait niya sa akin. Sabi niya nga, hindi niya hahayaang mamatay na lamang ako nang basta-basta. I needed to feel the pain he felt. I needed to reach hell like how he did. I needed to break, as if I wasn't already.
Kaya nga, hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang mga nagawa ko.
I never would.
Even if the world gave me billions of chances to change me decision, I'd still repeat the same thing, over and over again. And I wouldn't regret all those times.
Just like how my father never regretted his actions up to his last breath.
I watched how the brick building in front of me flared through the darkness of the night. The sky that was typically glum and dreary was now painted by a bright shade of orange, as the fire consuming our house refused to be tamed, like a hungry beast ready to devour anything in its path.
Closing my eyes, I hummed my favorite song. The sound of several sirens echoing throughout our neighborhood served as a background melody. Then as if on cue, a thunderous thump came from my crumbling home, if I could even call it one, earning a few shrieks from the people surrounding the area.
There was only one word to describe the scene-havoc.
This was what I wanted. It was what I'd always pictured in my mind; that hellhole of a house fading into ashes, along with its nightmares and memories. It was the only way to stop the torment; to end the mayhem.
Tama naman ang naging desisyon ko, hindi ba, Mama?
Nang imulat ko ang aking mga mata, isang lalaking nakasuot ng asul na uniporme ang lumapit sa akin. Habang hawak ang kanyang sumbrero sa isang kamay, lumuhod siya sa harapan ko, ang kanyang mukha ay hindi maipinta. His eyebrows were furrowed, lips tugged down into a frown, and eyes reflecting sympathy, as though I had loss everything when in fact, I felt the opposite.
"Hindi nakaligtas ang mga magulang mo, hija," he said, shaking his head.
They were never meant to survive, I wanted to say. But instead, I kept quiet.
Tumango ako at hinayaan siyang makaalis. Nang may ngiti sa mga labi, tumingala ako sa kalangitan, hindi alintana ang gumuguhong tirahan sa aking harapan at ang ilang mga matang nakatuon sa akin.
"Then there was fire, and everything ended," I softly sang, finishing the song in my head.
Kusang lumabas ang isang mahinang tawa sa aking mga labi. The stars blinked at my miserable state, as embers flew with the wind's direction, dancing to the melody of death and destruction.
"I made the right decision." I nodded my head in agreement.
Kahit pa mali man ang nagawa ko sa mata ng kahit na anong diyos, sigurado pa rin akong hindi pagkakamali ang nagawa ko. It was the right thing to do. At least, it was, for me. And I refuse to feel sorry. Bulungan man ako ng konsensya ko, hindi ko ihihingi ng tawad ang mga nagawa ko.
Because why should I?
Why should I apologize for the monster I'd become, when nobody ever apologized for making me this way?
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