Everyone has a different perspective on death. Some see it as a spiritual release, while others fear it like a curse. For me, death held no such meaning.
The closer you are to something, the less inhibitions you hold for it. It would explain a firefighters nonchalance towards fire or how some unfortunate soldiers found more comfort holding a gun in a battlefield than being back at home.
For me, I had been sick my whole life. My childhood memories consisted of hospital visits and my struggles with swallowing medicine tablets and getting injections.
I spent the better half of my life in doctor's offices and hospital beds. I knew that most children at that age feared hospitals, but I considered it my second home.
From the consistent smell of hospital grade cleaning products to the warm yet distinctive care of various on-call nurses, whose unique personalities varied like shades of colours, always teetering with the latest gossip.
The pale white walls illuminated by the bright lights never failed to invoke a sense of fear and solemnity and the professional white coats, who strutted through the halls with a sense of arrogance only 4 years of med school and crippling student debt could produce.
All of which was a constant source of entertainment for me.
Over the years, I had a few life-threatening moments, which caused my overprotective mother to admit me to hospitals for weeks on end.
Bless her heart, but when you have a congenital medical condition, the hospital just becomes a stop-gap solution.
She never received the cure to her 'baby's' illness that she wanted, and I saw the frustration and sadness it brought her.
As for me, I had been born with a body that was weaker than most, and all I could was accept my situation.
My first life threatening attack was terrifying. My coughs were so severe that I was surprised that my lungs didn't fly out of my mouth.
The head pain was so strong that only a fetal sleeping position could placate it slightly. Constantly spitting blood and changing bedsheets from the alarming amount of sweat I was producing. That was my first close encounter with death.
After being rushed to the hospital, the doctor was surprised that I lasted that long. His exact words were, "This kind of pain would fold a man twice your size."
I neither took this as a compliment nor as encouragement. I took his words with a grain of salt as doctors tend to lie to their patients to calm them down, and I wasn't in the mood to boast about my pain tolerance levels.
I was released afterwards, and not six months later, I was face to face yet again with Mr. Doctor. This would set the trend for the rest of my life as bi-yearly hospital admissions became the norm.
After my first episode, things became easier. I could tell the signs of an attack before they happened.
My room desk was littered with prescription bottles and over-the-counter medication that I would take as needed with hot water bottles becoming paramount. The heater would be on full 24/7 and my own personal water supply was consistently replenished to ensure I was always hydrated.
This repeated over and over with me improving my 'emergency stash' as time went on, adding a humidifier, a dehumidifier, a year supply of pain meds, amongst other necessities.
It had gotten to the point that I would feel scared if I had been healthy for too long.
My illness became as natural to me as breathing and eating. You'd be surprised with how adaptable we are as human beings. One of the few things I could be proud of in my situation.
It became an open secret amongst family members while outsiders referred to me as "The Sick One" when addressing me to my family. Cool nickname, but not worth the effort to earn it.
Despite what you may think, I never complained. Sure, I pitied myself sometimes and wondered why it happened to me of all people internally, but outwardly, it never showed.
Being on death's doorstep constantly has a way of maturing people, and being a quiet child who preferred people watching to small talk, it only served to further reinforce my loner status.
I was acutely aware of people's emotions and thoughts towards me and my situation.
It became easy to read people as they always tried to hide their expression in front of me. I always found the pity in their eyes disgusting, but I understood why it was there.
My family and fellow hospital patients were the only people I truly enjoyed conversing with. My family treated me as a patient, but my 'second' family were the only people who understood me.
The saying "Birds of a feather.." was never truer than in these moments. The knowledge that everyone around me was suffering something similar to me brought us a sense of closeness that only pain and suffering could forge.
Apart from the initial Q&A, we never spoke of our ailments as silent acknowledgement was always prevalent amongst us.
We conversed as most normally do, and our conversation was just as menial as most small talks are. Whether it was a discussion about the weather or the inevitable world takeover by China, it was as mundane as humanly possibly.
It was two years after I became acquainted with them that I first saw someone die.
It was an old man who lived in the same ward as me. He treated me kindly, and I always referred to him as 'Uncle' by request because he said he was too young to be a grandfather.
The 80 year old 'youngster' true to his words, exuded so much positivity and child-like enthusiasm that it put me, the youngest patient in our ward, to shame.
I always asked him how he was so happy all the time and he always replied that we were already at the bottom of our rope so there wasn't any reason to stay down and wallow since the only way left was up.
His wisdom was lost on me as a child but as I got older, I appreciated his outlook more and more.
On his death bed, I watched as our ward filled up with people, both known and unknown.
Here was a man, who throughout the entire time I had known him, was always in hospital but he was able to touch so many others who were in similar or more distressing situations than him.
Without a single dollar or an ounce of pity, he had done more for the patients than most charities ever do.
As I looked at his face as he passed into the after life, I couldn't help but think about how peaceful death looked.
All your problems seem to disappear and you became free in the most literal sense of the word. Free from worries and pain, freedom from stress and anxiety. But despite it's allure, I was firmly aware of the disadvantages.
If my painful existence had taught me anything, it was gratefulness. Every moment I spent without pain was a gift to be cherished.
Watching my family visit my hospital room everyday renewed my love for them and my appreciation for their continued care every day.
It was hard to grow complacent as I watched my fellow roommates grieve silently, not due to pain but at fact that they had to struggle alone as their families abandoned them. They tried to hide their pain through nonchalance and indifference but everyone could tell it was a façade.
Death also had a way of revealing a human being's true nature. Knowing that someone's end approached seem to give people a sense of bravery and shamelessness.
Ungrateful loved ones expecting life insurance payments and potential Will benefits. Partners revealing their infidelities and all manner of human scum seem to be summoned in the name of bad health.
I knew that misery loved company but this was just putting salt on an open wound. It seemed that when suffering struck, it came in spades.
Then my fateful day arrived. I had just turned 23 when my luck seemed to have run out and I was left alone at home on the day I got my worst episode.
It came so suddenly that I was caught off guard. I couldn't reach the phone to call anyone as the pain left me immobilized. The episode was more painful than the previous ones and lasted longer than all the others too.
It was as if my illness knew I was alone and couldn't handle it by myself. As it continued ravaging my physical and mental state, I felt my strength leave me as I slowly lost the will to fight. My thought seem to calm as I realized that this was it.
With my family in mind, I decided to muster one final attempt. With all my remaining strength, I desperately tried to raise my hand towards the phone but my fingers refused to budge.
All my efforts were for naught as I slowly lost the will I had just mustered. As I laid there and waited for the pain to end, my thoughts wandered towards my family once again.
This time, tears welled up in my eyes as I thought about how much support they gave me and how useless I felt for not being able to return their efforts. I wanted to apologize for being such a burden to them and ask them not to be too sad.
I wanted to thank them for never giving up on me and now, I would finally be out of their hair.
I finally closed my eyes as I felt the last of strength disappear. I knew they would be okay since they were tough. In my final moments, I just prayed that they'd be safe and nothing would happen to them.
"I hope you'll be okay...."
[You do not need to worry about that, my child]
My eyes flew open at the sound of the unfamiliar voice but my condition confused me even more.
The pain that had left me on the verge of death had seemingly disappeared and now, I was standing alone in a wide, dark expanse. In front of me was a sky filled with stars of all shapes and sizes with no planets in sight.
I searched for the source of the voice and found a body of lights bereft of any facial features. It seemed to looking in my direction and without any face and I could feel his guilty expression.
[How bold of you to assume a higher beings emotions but you are correct. It was a miscalculation on my end that led to your sad life]
"I understand my life was painful but I don't think it was bad enough to garner your attention. People go through worse everyday, right?"
[Ahh, such humility! You truly were taken too soon. You see, there is a cycle through which souls go after death. Depending on their actions while living, they accumulate something called Karma.]
"I'm vaguely aware of this belief."
[Well, that Karma then decide how their next life will develop. Have enough Good Karma and you could be a King with numerous servants and enough Bad Karma and you become a blind leper with one leg]
"Since I wasn't capable of performing any bad actions and your appearance, I guess I must have a decent amount of good Karma?"
[You, my child, were destined for a good life as a result of Good Karma from your previous life but some of my associates mixed up your destiny with someone else who shared your name and world.
What could be sadder than an innocent soul having to suffer for someone else's benefit? You are carrying around two lifetime's worth of good Karma. Quite the feat, might I add. Never been done before.]
"How is the man who replaced me doing?"
[Rest assured, when his time is up, the punishment will be astounding but since you're soul had already descended, we could not remedy this mistake.
So we waited until you returned to apologize and reparate our actions. He is currently living as the only son of a Saudi Arabian oil magnate. Once again, I apologize.]
"So my sickness was a mistake. I'd like to say I forgive you but I'd be lying. The pain was unbearable and sometimes, I even thought of ending it but the reason I did not end my life is the same reason why I can't hate you.
Thanks to your mistake, I was able to meet my family and if you give me a second chance, I'd choose them again. I'd hope it would be without the sickness but if it's mandatory then I'll go through it all over again".
[You truly are a kind soul. Enough of this! Fortunately for you and with a little loophole I created. Your involuntary act of carrying someone else's burden could also be technically considered charity so your already high karma increased as long as you were alive. It gives me ample room to help you with your future endeavours!]
"What do you mean, 'future endeavours'? Don't you just reincarnate me into my family again without the sickness and let me live out a normal, painless life? My Karma should be enough for that, right?"
[Unfortunately I cannot do that. You see, as infinite as the multiverse is; each World can only register each soul's presence once before refusing entry. Think of it as a viral infection. The world catches your soul --> Goes through the process --> You die and it develops a antibody for you, specifically.
Even going back in time would not help. I could send you to an alternate universe not much different from your own where they are almost identical but after watching you for a while, I believe you would not choose this option]
"And why not?"
[Because they wouldn't be truly yours. You would overthink your relationship with them and believe fully that you were an imposter who stole someone else's rightful place.
I could wipe your memory but that would spit on your efforts during the hardships you endured. Fully aware of this fact, I already created a suitable alternative that you would enjoy]
"...You know me a bit too well."
[Well, I have watched over you for a long time. Quite an achievement for a mortal but that's besides the point. I know you like reading fanfictions so I've decided to offer you a similar deal but there will be conditions.
One, you will not be able to choose the world you end up in as they will be random but I will ensure an adequate amount of special events and people to keep it entertaining for you.
Two, you will be given three choices of powers to inherit but I will need to regulate them, depending on the world. And finally three.....have fun.]
I couldn't help but smile. Even though his monotone way of speaking never fluctuated during our entire conversation, I couldn't help but fill a sense of excitement from the words of this eccentric omnipotent being.
"So....about my three choices?"
[Hit me. I'll go back and forth with you until we reach a suitable solution]
"My first choice is to make sure my family never have to worry financially"
[Even now, you still find ways to surprise me. Like I said previously, you needn't worry. Of course, your passing will cast a dark cloud over their lives for a long time but they will learn to move on while carrying you in their hearts.
Shortly after your death, Your mother will win the lottery of $180,000,000. I wish I could give her more but the World would not allow any more interference. I will ensure their continued life is carefree so you still have 3 wishes]
"You're quite the nice guy yourself, Mr. Light"
[Mr. Light? Ahh you are referring to my current avatar. Well, Mr. Light isn't the worst of names I've been called. So what are your wishes?]
"I wish to be free of death. Our multiple close encounters over the years has frankly created a bad working relationship between us. I don't want to suffer like I did before"
[Hmm, this is quite tricky. I can't grant you complete immunity since even gods are capable of dying True Deaths but if you are worried about suffering....The closest I can do is make you Nigh-Absolute immortal.]
"Nigh-Absolute? What's that mean?"
[You will be for all intents and purposes, Immortal. You will never age or die of natural causes. You will be invulnerable to almost everything but the only way you can die is by being killed. To ensure your continued survival, I would suggest you choose a wish related to combat prowess]
"Okay, fair enough. Then for my second wish, I would like all the abilities of Cadis Etrama Di Raizel, The Noblesse"
[Raizel, huh? Interesting. So you've chosen which long lived race you wish to inhabit. To be honest, I could've made you a high human or a High Elf but Vampires are good too.
In this case, I will give you the ability to use these gifts but you will have to earn them through hard work and effort.]
"Can't have it too easy, huh? Then for my last wish...I want a companion. If I've learnt anything from my hospital stay, it's that you can handle unbearable burdens if you have someone to help carry the weight. Immortality sounds lonely without anyone to spend time with."
[Are you sure? You could ask for another earth shattering power or endless wealth? Something recklessly selfish, adhering to your human nature? This is quite a unique ask]
"I'm sure it is but what's the point of having fun if there's no one there to enjoy it with?"
[Hahahaha! You make an excellent point. Sometimes, it even gets lonely up here too so I understand completely.
Quite the wise decision you made there. I have just the idea for you but before I get ahead of myself, do you have any idea's for your appearance? I remember Raizel being quite the looker]
"All respect to him but I don't want to look like Rai. The pretty boy twink aesthetic doesn't suit me. As long as you keep that in mind, I'm cool with anything."
[I see then this makes things easier....and done. Anything else you'd like to say before you departure]
"Nope. Just thank you for everything."
[Just doing my job. Goodbye, child]
Before I could even realize what was happening, I felt myself falling backwards into a dark hole with my vision rapidly fading to black. All the while, my brain couldn't help but think
'I hope I don't have to go through birth again....'